4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 30, 2003
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420 ALL THE TIME
ANN ARBOR, MI 48109
NEAL IS A TERRORIST
EDITED AND MANAGED BY
WEALTHY, WHITE SUBURBAN BRATS
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
Editor in Chief
Editorial Page Editor
Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily's
editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not
necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily. Retards.
THE DAILY'S GUIDE TO THE MIDDLE EAST:
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And he will become pregnant.
T wo weeks ago, recently-beatified Eng-
lish Professor Ralph Williams moder-
ated a sit-down interview with
Michigan Daily representative, former Daily
editorial page editor Nick Woomer's Ass,
and the Michigan Daily Boycotters at Cafe
Zola. Excerpts follow:
Editor's note: The views of Nick Woomer's
Ass are not necessarily representative of the
views of the rest of Nick Woomer.
Ralph Williams: Welcome, both of you.
Thanks for coming.
Boycotters: Fuck you, racist.
Ass: Good evening. It's a pleasure to be
RW: I was hoping you could explain why
your group is boycotting the Daily.
B: I lost my Daily column last August, and
... err ... the Daily is a tokenizing, racist insti-
tution staffed by members of the Hitler Youth.
We united because they didn't write enough
stories about us.
RW: Of course. Of course. I've been
informed that you planned on trying- to sign
onto the boycott the Rev. Al Sharpton?
B: Al was available. Geoffrey Feiger
RW: Are you pleased by the results of the
RW: I see. This one's for you, Mr. Ass.
What is the Daily's official response to the boy-
A: (farting noises)
RW: Has the boycott changed the Daily's
editorial stance at all?
A: Well, the Daily is boycotting Amnesty
International, the NAACP, the United Negro
College Fund, various Head Start programs, the
Special Olympics and Korean, Chinese and
Mexican restaurants. And we're divesting from
Palestinian refugee camps.
RW: Did you know the Latin word for
whatever it is that's wrong with my hands is
B: We'd like to respond to that by pointing
out that Nick Woomer's Ass suffers from the
RW: (to Ass) Would you like to respond to
A: I would just like to point out that my ass
is a symbol of liberation only.
RW: So, why have the boycotters been so
B: Our egos have been clashing.
A: Could someone please kindly pass me
RW: Have the boycotters come up with any
B: Yes. We would like to formally request
that Daily Arts Writer Joey Litman meet former
Daily Arts Writer Dustin Seibert on the play-
ground after recess.
RW: Why can't we all just get along?
A: Because the boycotters are a bunch of
self-promoting, wannabe-activist morons.
B: Then we'd have to come up with a new
RW: Then how would each of you like to
see the boycott resolved?
B: The Daily should pay professors at the
Life Sciences Initiative to resurrect Jesus and
make him head of the paper's task force on
diversity. The task force would be in charge of
creating tolerance through viewings of "The
Little Rascals" in a multiethnic setting.
A: I agree with the resurrection of our Lord
and Savior. But following said resurrection,
Daily staffers should re-crucify Jesus on a burn-
ing cross on the Daily lawn. In a multiethnic
setting, of course.
RW: This meeting's goal was to work
toward some sort of compromise. I hope that
we have achieved this on some level. Would
each party like a last word?
B: Of course we'd like a last word. We can
see that our silly demands are hardly rational
and make us look like self-aggrandizing twits.
We wonder if you could perhaps get us on tele-
vision somewhere, or maybe just print our pic-
tures in The Daily again? We are nothing
without our campus noteriety, and, frankly, we
haven't been dating much. Please.
RW: And you, Mr. Ass? A last word?
A: Indeed. First, let me state that I am
absolutely floored by the arrogance and petti-
ness displayed here today by the Boycotters. I
have more class a in single dingleberry than
they possess as a whole. But, ultimately, I'd like
to state that these people are quaint children
with little to no concept of what it means to be
actually fight for something.
The Michigan Daily Boycotters can be
reached at www.dailyboycott.com. More worth-
wile things to do with your time can be found any-
Members of The Michigan Daily can be
reached care of incoming Editor-in-Chief Louis
Meizlish at www.meizlish.com. Be sure to listen to
the official Meizlish.com theme song.
Lettenvriter is Matt Petering!
I am Matt Petering! Do you not know this!? Your failure
to endorse me for University Regent makes you complicit in
the proliferation of Life Sciences buildings. I am Matt Peter-
Smoking is hot
In the beginning there were cigarettes. Big fat cigarettes.
And the Daily editorial page encouraged everyone to smoke
them. Because cigarettes are heaven. Heaven. That's right. And
all y'all who don't smoke: Start smoking! Jesus Christ Son of
a Whore, what's wrong with you people? (I need a smoke.)
Seriously, fucking fuck sticks, what's wrong with you?
DAVE, JOHN AND NEAL
THE DAILY'S GUIDE TO
MSA: Muslims Suck Association
SAFE: Students Allied for Fadi's Ego
SOLE: Still Only Lily-whitE
IFC: Imbecilic Fucking Chumps
BAMN: Bumbling through life By Any
IASA: Indians Aren't So Awesome
YAF: You Asshole Facists
MSA: Masturbating Sorority Affliction
BSU: Bitching Silliness and Confusion
AWA!: Anyone? Why An Exclamation point?
HEADS: Heads Equals A Durty Sanchez
LGBTC: Licking Grabbing Biting Tying
KMFDM: Kill My Fuckin' Dog Man
ROTC: IRaqi Oil Through Suicide
SAC: Students Against Cancer
SFL: Students Fomenting Lust
UAC: Underfunded Asshole's ProjeCts
C.R.E.A.M. get the money. Dolla, dolla bills.
Z.J.A: Zac, Jess, Aubrey - Rape Machine
Thanks a lot, assholes!
The Senior Editorial Board members would likeA to thank
Editorial Page Editor Johanna Hanink for an absolutely incred-
ible year; her leadership has been invaluable and we appreciate
all the work she has done in the face of so much unwarranted
MICHIGAN BY THE NUMBERS:
0 - Number of exposed penises during Naked Mile
1 - Number of persons still boycotting The Michi-
2 - Number of football team defensive players shot
12 -Number of holes in Michigan defense
3 - Number of Daily Staffers who have had sex in
Ari Paul's bed
8 - Number of pounds gained by sorority girls on
average Saturday night at Bella Napoli
8.5 - Number of pounds purged on average Sunday
afternoon by sorority girls
20 - Number of times Barbara Grutter was beat up
by an underrepresented minority when she was a kid
456 - Number of times Mary Sue Coleman has
been caught masturbating in the Graduate Library
15 - Number of musicals outgoing Daily Editor-in-
Chief John Schwartz has performed solo in the shower
1999 - Year we're gonna party like it is
65 - Number of the Daily's dollars that Daily
chump-of-the-year, Danny Moloshok, spent on room
service at the Outback Bowl
1 - Number of times Rob Goodspeed has been
fired from the Daily
45 - percentage of Edit Board members who think
Jess Piskor is gay.
Aubrey Henretty and Zac Peskowitz are drunks.
We're not kidding. They are drunk lovers who cannot
edit a page because they are always drunk and fucking.
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' . .Connect the dots and go straight to gym class!
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TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL BIBLE AND KORAN VERSES
"And behold, a pale horse, and "Therefore We sent upon them
criticism. We could not ask for a finer editorial page embas-
sary. We would also like to congratulate incoming co-Editors
Aubrey Henretty and Zac Peskowitz. We expect to see on their