4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 30, 2003 OP/ED olhe 9U[itt igttn ttilWS 420 ALL THE TIME ANN ARBOR, MI 48109 zpeskowi@umich.edu NEAL IS A TERRORIST EDITED AND MANAGED BY WEALTHY, WHITE SUBURBAN BRATS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SINCE 1890 JERSEY JEW Editor in Chief CATHOLIC JEW Editorial Page Editor Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily. Retards. THE DAILY'S GUIDE TO THE MIDDLE EAST: E MADAGASCAR SRI LANKA P U W s loom fie ld V a tic a n C ity ISRAEL ..NJ Ottomn Y k Empire nmPA LESTINE - Jerusalem AETN Tel Aviv bFuFJI (Dam. Rep.} Suicid bombi s CANA DIA 'ttlemen SU DAN -Woody And he will become pregnant. I Ass+Boycotters=Assboy T wo weeks ago, recently-beatified Eng- lish Professor Ralph Williams moder- ated a sit-down interview with Michigan Daily representative, former Daily editorial page editor Nick Woomer's Ass, and the Michigan Daily Boycotters at Cafe Zola. Excerpts follow: Editor's note: The views of Nick Woomer's Ass are not necessarily representative of the views of the rest of Nick Woomer. Ralph Williams: Welcome, both of you. Thanks for coming. Boycotters: Fuck you, racist. Ass: Good evening. It's a pleasure to be here. RW: I was hoping you could explain why your group is boycotting the Daily. B: I lost my Daily column last August, and ... err ... the Daily is a tokenizing, racist insti- tution staffed by members of the Hitler Youth. We united because they didn't write enough stories about us. RW: Of course. Of course. I've been informed that you planned on trying- to sign onto the boycott the Rev. Al Sharpton? B: Al was available. Geoffrey Feiger wasn't. RW: Are you pleased by the results of the boycott? B: Yes. A: Yes. RW: I see. This one's for you, Mr. Ass. What is the Daily's official response to the boy- cott? A: (farting noises) RW: Has the boycott changed the Daily's editorial stance at all? A: Well, the Daily is boycotting Amnesty International, the NAACP, the United Negro College Fund, various Head Start programs, the Special Olympics and Korean, Chinese and Mexican restaurants. And we're divesting from Palestinian refugee camps. RW: Did you know the Latin word for whatever it is that's wrong with my hands is megadactylus? B: We'd like to respond to that by pointing out that Nick Woomer's Ass suffers from the same affliction. RW: (to Ass) Would you like to respond to that? A: I would just like to point out that my ass is a symbol of liberation only. RW: So, why have the boycotters been so quiet lately? B: Our egos have been clashing. A: Could someone please kindly pass me the crumpets? RW: Have the boycotters come up with any new demands? B: Yes. We would like to formally request that Daily Arts Writer Joey Litman meet former Daily Arts Writer Dustin Seibert on the play- ground after recess. RW: Why can't we all just get along? A: Because the boycotters are a bunch of self-promoting, wannabe-activist morons. B: Then we'd have to come up with a new shtick. RW: Then how would each of you like to see the boycott resolved? B: The Daily should pay professors at the Life Sciences Initiative to resurrect Jesus and make him head of the paper's task force on diversity. The task force would be in charge of creating tolerance through viewings of "The Little Rascals" in a multiethnic setting. A: I agree with the resurrection of our Lord and Savior. But following said resurrection, Daily staffers should re-crucify Jesus on a burn- ing cross on the Daily lawn. In a multiethnic setting, of course. RW: This meeting's goal was to work toward some sort of compromise. I hope that we have achieved this on some level. Would each party like a last word? B: Of course we'd like a last word. We can see that our silly demands are hardly rational and make us look like self-aggrandizing twits. We wonder if you could perhaps get us on tele- vision somewhere, or maybe just print our pic- tures in The Daily again? We are nothing without our campus noteriety, and, frankly, we haven't been dating much. Please. RW: And you, Mr. Ass? A last word? A: Indeed. First, let me state that I am absolutely floored by the arrogance and petti- ness displayed here today by the Boycotters. I have more class a in single dingleberry than they possess as a whole. But, ultimately, I'd like to state that these people are quaint children with little to no concept of what it means to be actually fight for something. The Michigan Daily Boycotters can be reached at www.dailyboycott.com. More worth- wile things to do with your time can be found any- where. Members of The Michigan Daily can be reached care of incoming Editor-in-Chief Louis Meizlish at www.meizlish.com. Be sure to listen to the official Meizlish.com theme song. S 0 LETTERS .I Lettenvriter is Matt Petering! I am Matt Petering! Do you not know this!? Your failure to endorse me for University Regent makes you complicit in the proliferation of Life Sciences buildings. I am Matt Peter- ing! MATT PETERING Junior Regent Smoking is hot In the beginning there were cigarettes. Big fat cigarettes. And the Daily editorial page encouraged everyone to smoke them. Because cigarettes are heaven. Heaven. That's right. And all y'all who don't smoke: Start smoking! Jesus Christ Son of a Whore, what's wrong with you people? (I need a smoke.) Seriously, fucking fuck sticks, what's wrong with you? DAVE, JOHN AND NEAL Smokers THE DAILY'S GUIDE TO STUDENT GROUPS MSA: Muslims Suck Association SAFE: Students Allied for Fadi's Ego SOLE: Still Only Lily-whitE IFC: Imbecilic Fucking Chumps BAMN: Bumbling through life By Any Means Necessary IASA: Indians Aren't So Awesome YAF: You Asshole Facists MSA: Masturbating Sorority Affliction BSU: Bitching Silliness and Confusion AWA!: Anyone? Why An Exclamation point? HEADS: Heads Equals A Durty Sanchez LGBTC: Licking Grabbing Biting Tying Club KMFDM: Kill My Fuckin' Dog Man ROTC: IRaqi Oil Through Suicide SAC: Students Against Cancer SFL: Students Fomenting Lust UAC: Underfunded Asshole's ProjeCts C.R.E.A.M. get the money. Dolla, dolla bills. y'all. Z.J.A: Zac, Jess, Aubrey - Rape Machine Thanks a lot, assholes! The Senior Editorial Board members would likeA to thank Editorial Page Editor Johanna Hanink for an absolutely incred- ible year; her leadership has been invaluable and we appreciate all the work she has done in the face of so much unwarranted MICHIGAN BY THE NUMBERS: 0 - Number of exposed penises during Naked Mile last year 1 - Number of persons still boycotting The Michi- gan Daily 2 - Number of football team defensive players shot since May 12 -Number of holes in Michigan defense 3 - Number of Daily Staffers who have had sex in Ari Paul's bed 8 - Number of pounds gained by sorority girls on average Saturday night at Bella Napoli 8.5 - Number of pounds purged on average Sunday afternoon by sorority girls 20 - Number of times Barbara Grutter was beat up by an underrepresented minority when she was a kid 456 - Number of times Mary Sue Coleman has been caught masturbating in the Graduate Library 15 - Number of musicals outgoing Daily Editor-in- Chief John Schwartz has performed solo in the shower 1999 - Year we're gonna party like it is 65 - Number of the Daily's dollars that Daily chump-of-the-year, Danny Moloshok, spent on room service at the Outback Bowl 1 - Number of times Rob Goodspeed has been fired from the Daily 45 - percentage of Edit Board members who think Jess Piskor is gay. Aubrey Henretty and Zac Peskowitz are drunks. We're not kidding. They are drunk lovers who cannot edit a page because they are always drunk and fucking. i niettheS dLO GY sraih\mass ' . .Connect the dots and go straight to gym class! i 'r' ter- '''' ' .. '' i lp ~!. TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL BIBLE AND KORAN VERSES "And behold, a pale horse, and "Therefore We sent upon them criticism. We could not ask for a finer editorial page embas- sary. We would also like to congratulate incoming co-Editors Aubrey Henretty and Zac Peskowitz. We expect to see on their I