I
’m a firm believer that
relationships of all kinds
— be it platonic, sexual,
romantic,
familial, etc. —
take work, as
I’m sure most
other
people
are. Someone
recently
told
me, “You don’t
seem
like
the
kind
of
person who’d
waste
time
doing something they’re not
good at.” They’re right. It’s why
I don’t play basketball or try to
be a model with my 4-foot-11-
inch stature. It’s why my subpar
mathematical abilities keep me
from studying to be an engineer.
I feel very much the same about
my relationships. If I’m not
“good” at keeping a healthy
relationship, I’ll cut someone off.
I just don’t see the point in trying
to uphold a bond that simply is
not working. More particularly,
I — with few exceptions — don’t
think staying friends with my
exes right after a breakup is at all
plausible or necessary.
To
most,
this
is
surely
a
character
flaw.
Being
a
perfectionist in an aspect of
life that is far from capable of
being perfected seems fruitless;
keeping
people
who
mean
something significant to you in
your life should be a priority.
But if it is at a detriment to your
mental wellbeing, is it worth
it? Plenty of my friends keep in
close touch with their various
ex-boyfriends and girlfriends,
not thinking anything of the swift
change in the dynamic of their
relationships, which is great for
them. I’m impressed that they’re
able to do that. Not all of these
friendships go off without a hitch
though — most are riddled with
jealousy and awkward tension.
For me, I don’t think it’s the
change from romantic to platonic
that doesn’t sit right; I think it’s
the people I’ve dated who have
so wholly put me off to this idea
of being friends after a breakup. I
can’t seem to overlook the things
about my exes or the flaws in our
relationships that made it all fall
apart in the first place.
I’ve been broken up with, as
well as done the breaking up.
I’ve been in a mutually-decided
breakup as well. All were times
I never wanted to continue the
relationship platonically, nor did
I see that option being beneficial.
The
toxicity
that
surrounds
the decision to end a romantic
relationship is inevitably there
even if not always at the surface.
Traits once considered endearing
about your significant other now
grind into the deepest recesses
of your existence regardless of
whether or not you’re the one
who broke things off. How can
you cultivate a healthy friendship
with
someone
if
somewhere
within
your
relationship
there’s bound to be some sort
of resentment for the end of the
relationship?
Not only are you bothered
immensely by the little things
your ex does, but also there will
inevitably come a time when
one of you finds someone else. If
I’ve learned anything from the
many romantic comedies I’ve
watched while single and eating
Häagen Dazs by the pint, it’s that
communication all but breaks
down between people when a
third party is involved.
Suddenly texting your ex to
ask if they have your T-shirt you
spilled wine on that one time
turns into this big dark secret
from your current significant
other for fear of hurting them
with
your
strictly
platonic
relationship with the person you
once dated. All right, maybe I’ve
watched too much of “The OC”
in my homework-free stupor of
summer, but there is definitely
a possibility of a friendship
with an ex causing strain in any
current relationship you might
pursue.
Even
the
strongest
people sometimes feel insecure,
and keeping someone around you
may have had something special
with in the past can feel like a
threat. To me, it’s not worth it.
Relationships that had to end on
the basis of bad timing stemming
from any variety of reasons or
any variety of circumstances out
of your control can potentially be
different. I’ve never experienced
this, but I’m sure if I did, I’d
react to whether or not I’d keep
that person around quite a bit
differently. Until that happens,
however, I’m going to happily
leave my exes in the past where
they belong.
—Olivia Puente can be reached
at opuente@umich.edu.
T
hrough my job this summer,
I have met many people who
have fled their countries
due to gender-
based violence,
political
persecution
and incredibly
dangerous
gangs who have threatened their
lives and the lives of their families.
And at the end each day, when I’m
tired or upset about something in
my own life, I can’t help but feel
that I had no right to be concerned
with these things. They’re nothing
compared to what others are going
through. Others endure so much
worse.
And while it is true what I am
preoccupied by is of a completely
different nature (and magnitude)
to those who are making dangerous
journeys to find a safe place to live,
the constant comparison between
our problems and those of your
friends, family, coworkers and
acquaintances (to name a few) is
unhealthy because it perpetuates
the idea that we have to be silent in
our struggle.
My friends often confess that
they feel bad being upset about
things going on in their lives —
divorcing
parents,
a
troubled
relationship or a health problem
— when they know someone
has it much worse. I often hear
comparisons to people who go
without food, clean water and
shelter. “At least I have it better
than they do,” my friends say,
shrugging
off,
pushing
down,
diverting their own emotions and
stressors because they don’t think
they have a right to be upset about
them.
But
every
hardship,
every
struggle is unique. My friends are
right to notice that their struggles
and those of someone who is
fleeing persecution or is without
food and water are not of the same
magnitude, but the reality is we all
face struggles in some way. And we
should be allowed to voice anger,
frustration and sadness about the
things that are hard in our lives.
As college students, we are faced
with many social and academic
stressors
that
can
sometimes
overcome us and contribute to
whatever else we are facing in our
lives. College is a privilege, but
there are definitely times where
it can feel more overwhelming
and
anxiety-producing.
If
we
are not comfortable, validated
and supported in speaking about
what is stressful, worrisome and
anxiety-producing to us, we can
feel alone. College has its own
unique stressors, which we can
only attempt to handle if we are not
constantly told we have it better
than X or Y.
Society
talks
a
lot
about
perspective. “But to put it into
perspective, at least I have it better
than others who don’t have clean
water or enough food”or “At least
I’m not the family on TV who lost
their son” are things I hear all the
time when people are talking about
what is going on for them. They’re
addendums, as if the person is
saying, “Don’t worry, I know my
struggles aren’t much compared
to what others face.”And while
perspective is important to realize
that traffic or a broken nail aren’t real
hardships, we must allow ourselves
to feel upset by struggles in our
lives. I believe we can recognize
and value someone else’s situation is
more dire and at the same time not
have to simultaneously discount our
real feelings and real worries about
our own situations and hardships.
Feeling empathy for someone’s tragic
situation is not mutually exclusive
with silencing your own feelings
about your situation because you
perceive the other as worse.
Even if a person isn’t facing
starvation or lacking clean water,
they should be allowed to feel upset.
We should be safe and validated
when we talk about something hard
that is going on in our lives. Our
loved ones and close friends are here
for us (or they should be) during
the good and the bad, the happy
and sad. They shouldn’t be here to
tell us that there is someone who is
going through worse so we should
shut up and be grateful for what we
have. Yes, we need to understand
and acknowledge where we are
very lucky and be grateful for that.
But what we also have to do is see
that our struggles — incomparable
to anyone else’s — are valid in their
own right.
I am fortunate in many ways. I
am lucky to have opportunities as
a result of my high-level education.
I have a loving family and receive
endless support. I have access
to good food and clean water. I
live very comfortably in many
regards. But I also go through
hard moments in my life and want
to turn to family and friends for
support and sometimes a shoulder
to cry on. Without these support
systems, if I felt like I could never
talk about what was going on for
me because my hardships were
nothing compared to those around
me, I would keep things bottled up.
Over time, I would begin to feel
alone and isolated, and it would
only make something difficult
infinitely harder to cope with.
It shouldn’t be one or the other;
it shouldn’t be a competition of who
has it worse. We all go through
hardships that differ in nature but
should be treated as well-founded
in their own way. We can’t feel that
we shouldn’t talk about problems
because they seem menial, less
than those of others. We should
be allowed to talk about them, feel
heard and be comfortable looking
to others for support during trying
times. As a society, while we should
help each other to acknowledge
the difference between different
hardships, we must help each other
through them as well. We need to
have compassion for ourselves.
Otherwise, how can we have
compassion for others?
—Anna Polumbo-Levy can be
reached at annapl@umich.edu.
5
OPINION
Thursday, June 23, 2016
The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com
Your struggles are valid, too
OLIVIA
PUENTE
ANNA
POLUMBO-
LEVY
The past is the past
Roland Davidson, Caitlin Heenan, Elena Hubbell,
Jeremy Kaplan, Madeline Nowicki,
Kevin Sweitzer, Brooke White.
EDITORIAL BOARD MEMBERS