I

’m a firm believer that 
relationships of all kinds 
— be it platonic, sexual, 

romantic, 
familial, etc. — 
take work, as 
I’m sure most 
other 
people 

are. Someone 
recently 
told 

me, “You don’t 
seem 
like 

the 
kind 
of 

person who’d 
waste 
time 

doing something they’re not 
good at.” They’re right. It’s why 
I don’t play basketball or try to 
be a model with my 4-foot-11-
inch stature. It’s why my subpar 
mathematical abilities keep me 
from studying to be an engineer. 
I feel very much the same about 
my relationships. If I’m not 
“good” at keeping a healthy 
relationship, I’ll cut someone off. 
I just don’t see the point in trying 
to uphold a bond that simply is 
not working. More particularly, 
I — with few exceptions — don’t 
think staying friends with my 
exes right after a breakup is at all 
plausible or necessary.

To 
most, 
this 
is 
surely 

a 
character 
flaw. 
Being 
a 

perfectionist in an aspect of 
life that is far from capable of 
being perfected seems fruitless; 
keeping 
people 
who 
mean 

something significant to you in 
your life should be a priority. 
But if it is at a detriment to your 
mental wellbeing, is it worth 
it? Plenty of my friends keep in 
close touch with their various 
ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, 
not thinking anything of the swift 
change in the dynamic of their 
relationships, which is great for 
them. I’m impressed that they’re 
able to do that. Not all of these 
friendships go off without a hitch 
though — most are riddled with 
jealousy and awkward tension. 
For me, I don’t think it’s the 
change from romantic to platonic 
that doesn’t sit right; I think it’s 
the people I’ve dated who have 
so wholly put me off to this idea 
of being friends after a breakup. I 
can’t seem to overlook the things 
about my exes or the flaws in our 
relationships that made it all fall 
apart in the first place. 

I’ve been broken up with, as 

well as done the breaking up. 
I’ve been in a mutually-decided 
breakup as well. All were times 

I never wanted to continue the 
relationship platonically, nor did 
I see that option being beneficial. 
The 
toxicity 
that 
surrounds 

the decision to end a romantic 
relationship is inevitably there 
even if not always at the surface. 
Traits once considered endearing 
about your significant other now 
grind into the deepest recesses 
of your existence regardless of 
whether or not you’re the one 
who broke things off. How can 
you cultivate a healthy friendship 
with 
someone 
if 
somewhere 

within 
your 
relationship 

there’s bound to be some sort 
of resentment for the end of the 
relationship?

Not only are you bothered 

immensely by the little things 
your ex does, but also there will 
inevitably come a time when 
one of you finds someone else. If 
I’ve learned anything from the 
many romantic comedies I’ve 
watched while single and eating 
Häagen Dazs by the pint, it’s that 
communication all but breaks 
down between people when a 
third party is involved.

Suddenly texting your ex to 

ask if they have your T-shirt you 
spilled wine on that one time 
turns into this big dark secret 
from your current significant 
other for fear of hurting them 
with 
your 
strictly 
platonic 

relationship with the person you 
once dated. All right, maybe I’ve 
watched too much of “The OC” 
in my homework-free stupor of 
summer, but there is definitely 
a possibility of a friendship 
with an ex causing strain in any 
current relationship you might 
pursue. 
Even 
the 
strongest 

people sometimes feel insecure, 
and keeping someone around you 
may have had something special 
with in the past can feel like a 
threat. To me, it’s not worth it.

Relationships that had to end on 

the basis of bad timing stemming 
from any variety of reasons or 
any variety of circumstances out 
of your control can potentially be 
different. I’ve never experienced 
this, but I’m sure if I did, I’d 
react to whether or not I’d keep 
that person around quite a bit 
differently. Until that happens, 
however, I’m going to happily 
leave my exes in the past where 
they belong.

—Olivia Puente can be reached 

at opuente@umich.edu.

T

hrough my job this summer, 
I have met many people who 
have fled their countries 

due to gender-
based violence, 
political 
persecution 
and incredibly 
dangerous 
gangs who have threatened their 
lives and the lives of their families. 
And at the end each day, when I’m 
tired or upset about something in 
my own life, I can’t help but feel 
that I had no right to be concerned 
with these things. They’re nothing 
compared to what others are going 
through. Others endure so much 
worse.

And while it is true what I am 

preoccupied by is of a completely 
different nature (and magnitude) 
to those who are making dangerous 
journeys to find a safe place to live, 
the constant comparison between 
our problems and those of your 
friends, family, coworkers and 
acquaintances (to name a few) is 
unhealthy because it perpetuates 
the idea that we have to be silent in 
our struggle.

My friends often confess that 

they feel bad being upset about 
things going on in their lives — 
divorcing 
parents, 
a 
troubled 

relationship or a health problem 
— when they know someone 
has it much worse. I often hear 
comparisons to people who go 
without food, clean water and 
shelter. “At least I have it better 
than they do,” my friends say, 
shrugging 
off, 
pushing 
down, 

diverting their own emotions and 
stressors because they don’t think 
they have a right to be upset about 
them.

But 
every 
hardship, 
every 

struggle is unique. My friends are 
right to notice that their struggles 
and those of someone who is 
fleeing persecution or is without 
food and water are not of the same 
magnitude, but the reality is we all 
face struggles in some way. And we 
should be allowed to voice anger, 

frustration and sadness about the 
things that are hard in our lives.

As college students, we are faced 

with many social and academic 
stressors 
that 
can 
sometimes 

overcome us and contribute to 
whatever else we are facing in our 
lives. College is a privilege, but 
there are definitely times where 
it can feel more overwhelming 
and 
anxiety-producing. 
If 
we 

are not comfortable, validated 
and supported in speaking about 
what is stressful, worrisome and 
anxiety-producing to us, we can 
feel alone. College has its own 
unique stressors, which we can 
only attempt to handle if we are not 
constantly told we have it better 
than X or Y.

Society 
talks 
a 
lot 
about 

perspective. “But to put it into 
perspective, at least I have it better 
than others who don’t have clean 
water or enough food”or “At least 
I’m not the family on TV who lost 
their son” are things I hear all the 
time when people are talking about 
what is going on for them. They’re 
addendums, as if the person is 
saying, “Don’t worry, I know my 
struggles aren’t much compared 
to what others face.”And while 
perspective is important to realize 
that traffic or a broken nail aren’t real 
hardships, we must allow ourselves 
to feel upset by struggles in our 
lives. I believe we can recognize 
and value someone else’s situation is 
more dire and at the same time not 
have to simultaneously discount our 
real feelings and real worries about 
our own situations and hardships. 
Feeling empathy for someone’s tragic 
situation is not mutually exclusive 
with silencing your own feelings 
about your situation because you 
perceive the other as worse.

Even if a person isn’t facing 

starvation or lacking clean water, 
they should be allowed to feel upset. 
We should be safe and validated 
when we talk about something hard 
that is going on in our lives. Our 
loved ones and close friends are here 
for us (or they should be) during 

the good and the bad, the happy 
and sad. They shouldn’t be here to 
tell us that there is someone who is 
going through worse so we should 
shut up and be grateful for what we 
have. Yes, we need to understand 
and acknowledge where we are 
very lucky and be grateful for that. 
But what we also have to do is see 
that our struggles — incomparable 
to anyone else’s — are valid in their 
own right.

I am fortunate in many ways. I 

am lucky to have opportunities as 
a result of my high-level education. 
I have a loving family and receive 
endless support. I have access 
to good food and clean water. I 
live very comfortably in many 
regards. But I also go through 
hard moments in my life and want 
to turn to family and friends for 
support and sometimes a shoulder 
to cry on. Without these support 
systems, if I felt like I could never 
talk about what was going on for 
me because my hardships were 
nothing compared to those around 
me, I would keep things bottled up. 
Over time, I would begin to feel 
alone and isolated, and it would 
only make something difficult 
infinitely harder to cope with. 

It shouldn’t be one or the other; 

it shouldn’t be a competition of who 
has it worse. We all go through 
hardships that differ in nature but 
should be treated as well-founded 
in their own way. We can’t feel that 
we shouldn’t talk about problems 
because they seem menial, less 
than those of others. We should 
be allowed to talk about them, feel 
heard and be comfortable looking 
to others for support during trying 
times. As a society, while we should 
help each other to acknowledge 
the difference between different 
hardships, we must help each other 
through them as well. We need to 
have compassion for ourselves. 
Otherwise, how can we have 
compassion for others?

—Anna Polumbo-Levy can be 

reached at annapl@umich.edu.

5
OPINION

Thursday, June 23, 2016

The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com

Your struggles are valid, too

OLIVIA
PUENTE

ANNA
POLUMBO-
LEVY

The past is the past

Roland Davidson, Caitlin Heenan, Elena Hubbell, 

Jeremy Kaplan, Madeline Nowicki, 

Kevin Sweitzer, Brooke White.

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