Mohday, February 11; 1952
T HE MIC H IGA N D A ILY
THATCHER IN UTh
By NEWBOLD MORRIS
ROBERT ALPHONSO TAFT
Congressional bloodhounds let out the loudest yelp to
date in their investigations of pinkish Midwestern University
yesterday after hearing Midwestern's gibbering President Har-
ly Thatcher admit that his estranged wife and brother-in-law
had bilked his institution out of $6 billion in real estate fees by
cornering all the property for the school's "cherchez campus."
"Yelp," the House Un-Midwestern Activities Commit-
"Help," screamed President Thatcher as the bloo'd-
hounds tore at his vitals.
FENDING OFF committee mem-
bers with a mangled arm, Thatch-
er, a splintered tent-pole of a man,
blubbered the whole story of the
grisly land grab which is now cost-
ing Midwest citizens more than 4
B-29 bombers, 3 cases of heroin,
and an ermine lap-robe.
.. a bit of trouble
The ex-Mrs. Thatcher, now
plain Jane Strudelmacher Gut-
enbesser, sat idly by, with her
brother and alleged co-co Rspira-
tor Alger Bloggins Twickenham,
whistling cash-register notes, at
the sight of her ex-husband's
The tale, encompassing heart-
break and travail worthy of Beau-
mont and Fletcher, rambled from
the selection of the site, chosen
for its inability to stand up under
a foundation to th,e falling out
of the Thatcher couple over who
would name the next emeritus
professor. The freshman Presi-
dent objected when his wife
plumped for Pogo Possum, con-
tending t h a t the Okefenokee
Swamp's leading citizen merited
no more than a spot on the GOP
ticket for University Regent.
THEN, TWICKENHAM gave tes-
timony on how he, informed by
his miffed sister of Thatcher's in-
tended "cherchez campus" site,
had brought up the property right
out from under the former vice-
president of the Ohio Gang.
But the proceedings came to a
temporary halt when, Twicken-
ham, now rolling his trousers
past his 'thigh, was felled by a
tackle from Senator Joseph Me-
Harpie, traveling with the com-
mittee's road show.
"I knew it when he started peel-
ing," McHarpie rumbled. "The
guy's a State Department pink."
HAVING established Twicken-
ham's guilt, the committee turned
to the hapless Thatcher, whose
chief accuser was Louie Schmoo-
dense, a patriot.
Schmoodenze told how he knew
Thatcher in his student days at
"Even then he had that shifty
trick of looking you straight in
the eye. And his 'Russian Lea-
ther' after-shave lotion smelled
like Russian leather."
While the ex-Mrs. Hatcher, new-
ly be-minked, strode out the door
with a strong Midwestern stride
counting money to the tune of the
"Star Spangled Banner,"
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. ,. a bit of noise
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the Michigan Campus!
New styles first for men
Stat. Street on the Campus