Page Ten
TI.JC AA II- LJr A Ki r, A ii v
ST H ELM I C IiG AN DAIL Y Saturday February 12, 1938
The Staff Of The J-Hop Extra
Managing Editor JOSEPH S. MATTES
Associate Editor TUURE TENANDER
Associate Editor WILLIAM C. SPALLER
Associate Editor ROBERT WEEKS
J-HOP ISSUE EDITORS
JOSEPH S. MATTES EARL R. GILMAN
ASSISTANTS: Helen Douglas, Robert I. Fitz-
henry, Joseph Gies, Walker R. A. Graham,
Roy Heath, Saul KleIman, Morton Linder,
Robert Mitchell, Sue Potter, Roy Sizemore,
Jean Smith, Dorothea Stoebler, Stan Swinton,
Tuure Tenander, Virginia Voorhees, Joe Freed-
man, Edward Magdol, Robert Perlman.
Bear Facts .. .
By RAJAH BLABSON
Business Manager
Credit Manager.
Advertising Manager
ERNEST A. JONES
DONALD WILSHER
NORMAN STEINBERG
J-Hop Issue Business Manager
* . . PHILIP BUCHEN
J-HOP ISSUE
Local Advertising Manager Walter Stebens
Circulation and National Advertising
Louis H. Grossmann
Publications and Classified Walter Nielson
Service Manager Stuart Robson
Accounts Manager .... Robert Tiedeman
Women's Business Manager
Helen Jean Dean
Women's Advertising Manager .
Marion Baxter
ASSISTANTS: Harold Goldman, Ray Frederick,
Connie Bryant, Phil Westbrook, Tom Slattery,
Jane Mowers, Florence Michlinski, Margaret
Bremer, Zenovia Skoratko.
All This Talk
Is Silly.
A LOT OF LOOSE TALK is being bandied
about to the effect that the J-Hop, now in
session, will do wonders toward hauling us out of the
recession, also now in session. Such talk is designed
to take pee-wee brains off their troubles. Certainly
there is not a word of truth in it.
In the first place a recession is basically and
fundamentally a lack of cash. Prosperity, obviously
enough, is a plentitude of cash. Even though that isn't
right economically 51 speaking, it's right.
Now, when it comes to picking a collegian as clean
as the hound's proverbial tooth, nothing beats a J-Hop.
Nobody can recall, even in the pre-Hoover days, a single
individual who survived a J-Hop with plenty of cash,
or even any cash at all.
The reasoning involved in this J-Hop-equals-pros-
perity skull-duggery is something like this: the social-
ites in an attempt to appear at their best for the
festivities, will put out plenty of potatoes for things
like hair cuts, white ties, permanents, manicures,
bottled goods and other sundries. This starts cash
circulating among the local shopkeepers who in turn
go out and buy things and so on, ad nauseum.
But here's the catch. This nice economic circuit
is shorted when it comes to the student. Students don't
have much of anything to sell. They just put out and
when they get done putting out they are in a financial
hole second to none.
There is a notable exception to the statement that
students don't have anything to sell and that they
aren't brought in for some of this J-Hop created pros-
perity. Sam, the old-clothes man has been known to
buy from students, but his buying power seldom exceeds
two bucks. Maybe this prosperity will hoist it to $2.50,
which seems about right for a slightly used tail-suit
with boiled shirt tossed in.
To Our
Readers
THROUGH THESE PAGES march George
1Pookie, Joe Zilch, Oxie O'Rourke, Johnny
Greenbehindtheears, Hale Carnegie, Mazie Hootie, Mr.
Blooey, J. Spiegel, Herman the Bartender and others,
all figments of the J-Hop extra staff's imagination.
When these characters were created, and when
situations were made for them, they seemed passably
funny to us, sometimes even hilarious. Now that they're
written they don't seem quite so funny. Only a true
work of art seems good to the writer even when it's
too late to change it.
We wrote to our own senses of humor, as anyone
must if he is to have a good time writing humor. But
these pages are essentially for you who attend the
J-Hop. We hope you enjoy reading them as much
as we did writing them. The J-Hop Staff.
YESTERDAY we dropped Into that den of iniquity
on East Huron Street that houses Oxie O'Rourke,
our favorite bookie, and his business. Sitting there
chewing ever the effect of the J-Hop on income were
those other two betrayers of local youth, Herman the
bartender and Sambo, king of the gallopng cubes.
Oxie was speaking. He claimed that pre-J-Hop saving
had crippled all worthwhile industry.
"Before the J-Hop I had a good business," he told
his companions. "It was illegal and so practically my
only overhead was hush money. Oh. I had a few other
minor expenses. For one thing
I had to buy lollypops for the
kids from the Unigrational
Church.
"They would (Oxie con-
inued) come down every Sun-
day after their classes in
church, and then I'd pass out
the suckers, one to each of /
them. The little brats would 1
put two bucks on some nag's "
nose, they'd never bet place or
show. I'd clean their little
pants off them regularly.
"I wasn't mean to them. If
they wanted credit I used to
give it to them. But I'd make
them pay me back even if, as
was most often the case, they
would have to take the money
out of their daddies' pocket-
books late at night. If they
didn't pay me I'd tell their
daddies and they'd get their
litle hind ends blistered. If I
should ever have a progeny -
he won't be dull-witted likes
these Sunday school boys: he'll Oxie
learn his arithmetic from the Daily Racing Form.
"But all this business stopped with the J-Hop. About
three weeks ago all the college boys stopped coming
down. I'd noticed about a week
before that they never had
beer on their breath when they
came up to my cage, and I
should have suspected ...,
With this Herman, who had
since dropped out of the game,
opened his yap. "I did my best
to keep them drinking beer.
For one thing, I told them if
they didn't the casks would
o never be emptied and there
* would consequently be no bock
beer this springtime.
"Then I told them they
could go to the Moose twenty
times for the price of a J-Hop
ticket. But they got funny
ideas about orchestras. This
saving of money will ultimate-
ly hurt those college boys, for
with the brewing and horse-
racing industries closed down
there will be few, if any, wages
paid, and there won't be any
drunks to spend money freely.
"But, have another beer, all
s. of you. I can't sell it so I
might as well give it away."
This expansiveness with
beer on Herman's part trou-
Sambo bled Oxie's conscience. Ac-
cordingly, the latter did what he always did when
he felt obligated: he guided Herman into a dark corner
of the basement and gave him a tip on a horse at Hia-
leah for last Thursday. Roxie practically rationalized
Hialeah into existence, for it had closed, along with
everything else, three weeks ago. Most of the horses
had died, and the Daily Racing Form was carrying
recipes in an effort to increase circulation.
Sambo, who, having gone through everybody's funds
like Pluto water, wasn't feeling so bad, had his troubles
too. Unlike most gamblers, he had an eye for the
future.
"Well," began Sambo, "everything came so easy
this last fall that I loafed. It was a dismal night when
I left Washtenaw fraternities and sororities with more
thirty pesos collectively. I
happen to play dice like Duke
Ellington plays the piano, but
I never once used loaded dice,y
which make it harder for a
good manipulator like me to
win.
"When everybody began
saving their money I took to
following the sandwich man
around, catching them when
they came down for a bit.
After a while they got sore,
and that's why I've got these
two black eyes." At this
everybody looked up quizzi-
cally at Sambo, then foolish-
ly at each other and then,
of course, down again. Herman
Everybody had nothing to say, and said it.
So, their sad tales ended, they all got up and walked
away, leaving one with the general impression that
three great industries had buckled, putting the nation
in a hideous recession, because churches and the
W.C.T.U. don't keep much money in circulation after
all.
Fixed Costs, TheCINEMA
Multi - Dang
By JOSEPH GIES
The movie mart for the Hop week-
nd C u rves end, scanned in brief fashion witn
an eye to Saturday and Sunday mat-
inee speculations, contains one item
C ause S um whichappears solid enough for the
current investment price, another
that perhaps should sell a little short
Last Factor Blinds Eyes Of Buyers, in the present supply-and-demand
schedules, and a third which un-
Experienced Economists Claim; doubtedly will prove a gilt-edged
Two Paths To Prosperity bottled-in-bond good thing. Reading
from left to right, they are Man-
By BOJANGLES Proof, with Myrna Loy and Franchot
Why does a recession recede? Tone; The Last Gangster, with Ed-
Ten University economists (not the ward G. Robinson, and Every Day's
kind that economize for the Univer- A Holiday, with the ineffable, un-
sity at Lansing) when questioned last quenchable Mae West furnishing a
night settled with finality the prob- temporary upswing in a proverbially
lem that has set the nation on its depressed market.
back for several months. The slump in the Golden West
Prof. Shorey Peterson led off the stock predicted as a result of the re-
symposium by pointing out that all cent activity of the Federal Radio
recessions, like tidal waves and good Commission'scensor in connection
orchestras in Ann Arbor, must recede. with the Adam and Eve deal on a
"The only question," he said, "is Sunday evening program has failed
whether they will recede eventually to materialize. Instead, it is reliably
or sooner, and if so how high and dry reported that Gideon Bibles, Inc., has
will the campus be. hit a new high following the stimulus
"However, before the situation can of the West salesmanship. At any rate
be completely remedied, the main the episode does not appear to have
cause of the slump must be eliminat- had an adverse effect on the box of-
ed. This was undoubtedly the illegal fice selling price of West, which is
combination of fraternity men in re- still listed as Preferred on practically
straint of competition for coeds. thlexcags teEatatoso
"There are two paths to prosperity: the Every Day's A Holiday personnel
a return to free competition for wom- include Edmund Lowe (whose stock
en for the J-Hop; or complete Univer- is higher than the name indicates),
sity regulation of not only hours, but Charles Butterworth, Charles Win-
quantity of dating and distribution inger, Walter Catlett and Chester
of affections. We face a crucial crisis." Conklin. At the Majestic Exchange,
Despite the conclusive evidence of- Saturday and Sunday.
fered by Professor Peterson, Prof. Ed- The next best product for week-
gar (G-Man) Hoover claimed that end buying, the Loy-Tone issue, also
secret information brought to him by featuring Rcsalind Russell among its
government agents indicated that re- selling points, is recommended for
cessions, slumps, declines, or depres- those who like their film stocks light
sions-like sunspots, are here to recur. but steady. At the Michigan Curb,
"There can be no doubt," he vowed Sunday.
"that the cycle in female affections-
from coldness and multi-dating in
the early fall, to going "steady" about
the time J-Hop bids are passed O n T h - L a
around, to affection (until J-Hop n T he Level
morning) in proportion to the flow of
currency, to multi-dating by the time
the second semester starts-this cycle
is endemic to the University system of By WRAG
limiting the number of women to one- The J-Hop is a lot like the Demo-
third the number of men." cratic Party-the only difference is
However, Prof. Robert S. Ford, that the J-Hop might possibly end
commanding attention by pounding up in the black.
on his desk, calmly refuted (he
claimed) both Professor Peterson and This year the J-Hop Commit-
Professor Hoover in his soft, silken, tee had two platforms--one for
sonorous, Southern syllables. "Tax- Kyser and one for Dorsey. And
ation," he yelped, "taxation is the the planks are for dancing so all
source of all evils, just as sure as parties are pleased.
Mother Nature is the source of all
good. As usual, the affair is priced some-
"Were it not for the three per cent thing like a Jackson Day Dinner, but
sales tax in the sovereign state of at The Hop you get a few hot tunes
Michigan, students would not take and not quite so much hot air for
taxicabs to the J-Hop, would walk, your money.
wear out their shoes, buy new ones
and the flow of consumers goods thus And then every J1-Hop has its
stimulated would give the recession N.L..B.-h"No Liquor Hemains
a recess." in Bottles."
But Prof. Charles Remer, unim-
pressed, maintained that the fall in
international trade was both the
cause and effect of the economic de-
cline Ann Arbor and the United
States are facing.
The University Loan system, how-
aver, was attacked jointly by Prof.
Leonard L. Watkins and Prof. How-
ard S. Ellis. "The artificial restric-
tions upon credit, they affirmed, in-
terfered with the expansion of in-
dustrious love affairs, since Michi-
gan Men with depleted resources were
prevented from borrowing sufficient
capital to finance the appearance of
their O.A.O. sfrom the home town.
The lower expenditures, thus neces-
sitated, caused the current produc-
tion to become overproduction."
An entirely different view was taken
by Prof. I. L. Sharfman, head of the
economics department and railroad
expert, who maintained that the de-
crease in multi-dating and the in-
crease in steady-dating, culminating
n the J-Hop are closely linked to or-
iginal cost (reckoned from the begin-
ning of the semester) less deprecia-
tion. "The constant building up of
investments made by Michigan men,"
Professor Sharfman said, "has con-
tributed largely to the present mar-
ket condition. The boys are just pur-
suing the old American custom of
orotecting their investments. Onlv
there was no need to call in the
Marines. The local boys seem to have
the situation well in hand."
The consensus of labor experts,
Prof. William Haber, Prof. Margaret
Elliot and Robert Horner, indicated
that the whole problem is one of
'urves. "Curves hold the key to the
whole question," they said in unison
'ast night.
"If the income of students is plot-
;ed on the same graph with their
grades, the point of intersection is
House Parties have their W.P.A-
"Whatta Party Afterwards!" and
their own A.A.A. - "After-Alcohol
Asininities."
However, house parties aren't what
they used to be. The days of the pa-
jama parties and all night dances are
over, and girls move into fraternity
houses merely to see what kind of a
dive the boys have to put up with
all year.
But one of the houses is going
to have a lot of fun after the
J-Hop is over and the girls have
trucked back to their regular
rooms. The boys have planted
a dictaphone system throughout
the house and plan to listen to
the cow-sessions that always con-
tinue to the wee hours.
Thus goes another J-Hop, and by
the time the red marks of starched
collars have worn off male necks and
the red marks of necks have been
washed off male collars, the girls will
have their memories pasted in scarp
books and the males will be stuck
trying to find money for textbooks.
very significant," Professor Haber
commented.
More weight was given to the curve
representing the percentage of good
movies and dances in Ann Arbor by
Professor Elliot. Mr. Horner, how-
ever, leans slightly to the curve of
lipstick consumption as an idea of
dating.
But they were all agreed that the
whole thing is a matter of curves.
"And," they sadin conclusion, "if
the curves don't alter there'll be no
change."