Page Ten TI.JC AA II- LJr A Ki r, A ii v ST H ELM I C IiG AN DAIL Y Saturday February 12, 1938 The Staff Of The J-Hop Extra Managing Editor JOSEPH S. MATTES Associate Editor TUURE TENANDER Associate Editor WILLIAM C. SPALLER Associate Editor ROBERT WEEKS J-HOP ISSUE EDITORS JOSEPH S. MATTES EARL R. GILMAN ASSISTANTS: Helen Douglas, Robert I. Fitz- henry, Joseph Gies, Walker R. A. Graham, Roy Heath, Saul KleIman, Morton Linder, Robert Mitchell, Sue Potter, Roy Sizemore, Jean Smith, Dorothea Stoebler, Stan Swinton, Tuure Tenander, Virginia Voorhees, Joe Freed- man, Edward Magdol, Robert Perlman. Bear Facts .. . By RAJAH BLABSON Business Manager Credit Manager. Advertising Manager ERNEST A. JONES DONALD WILSHER NORMAN STEINBERG J-Hop Issue Business Manager * . . PHILIP BUCHEN J-HOP ISSUE Local Advertising Manager Walter Stebens Circulation and National Advertising Louis H. Grossmann Publications and Classified Walter Nielson Service Manager Stuart Robson Accounts Manager .... Robert Tiedeman Women's Business Manager Helen Jean Dean Women's Advertising Manager . Marion Baxter ASSISTANTS: Harold Goldman, Ray Frederick, Connie Bryant, Phil Westbrook, Tom Slattery, Jane Mowers, Florence Michlinski, Margaret Bremer, Zenovia Skoratko. All This Talk Is Silly. A LOT OF LOOSE TALK is being bandied about to the effect that the J-Hop, now in session, will do wonders toward hauling us out of the recession, also now in session. Such talk is designed to take pee-wee brains off their troubles. Certainly there is not a word of truth in it. In the first place a recession is basically and fundamentally a lack of cash. Prosperity, obviously enough, is a plentitude of cash. Even though that isn't right economically 51 speaking, it's right. Now, when it comes to picking a collegian as clean as the hound's proverbial tooth, nothing beats a J-Hop. Nobody can recall, even in the pre-Hoover days, a single individual who survived a J-Hop with plenty of cash, or even any cash at all. The reasoning involved in this J-Hop-equals-pros- perity skull-duggery is something like this: the social- ites in an attempt to appear at their best for the festivities, will put out plenty of potatoes for things like hair cuts, white ties, permanents, manicures, bottled goods and other sundries. This starts cash circulating among the local shopkeepers who in turn go out and buy things and so on, ad nauseum. But here's the catch. This nice economic circuit is shorted when it comes to the student. Students don't have much of anything to sell. They just put out and when they get done putting out they are in a financial hole second to none. There is a notable exception to the statement that students don't have anything to sell and that they aren't brought in for some of this J-Hop created pros- perity. Sam, the old-clothes man has been known to buy from students, but his buying power seldom exceeds two bucks. Maybe this prosperity will hoist it to $2.50, which seems about right for a slightly used tail-suit with boiled shirt tossed in. To Our Readers THROUGH THESE PAGES march George 1Pookie, Joe Zilch, Oxie O'Rourke, Johnny Greenbehindtheears, Hale Carnegie, Mazie Hootie, Mr. Blooey, J. Spiegel, Herman the Bartender and others, all figments of the J-Hop extra staff's imagination. When these characters were created, and when situations were made for them, they seemed passably funny to us, sometimes even hilarious. Now that they're written they don't seem quite so funny. Only a true work of art seems good to the writer even when it's too late to change it. We wrote to our own senses of humor, as anyone must if he is to have a good time writing humor. But these pages are essentially for you who attend the J-Hop. We hope you enjoy reading them as much as we did writing them. The J-Hop Staff. YESTERDAY we dropped Into that den of iniquity on East Huron Street that houses Oxie O'Rourke, our favorite bookie, and his business. Sitting there chewing ever the effect of the J-Hop on income were those other two betrayers of local youth, Herman the bartender and Sambo, king of the gallopng cubes. Oxie was speaking. He claimed that pre-J-Hop saving had crippled all worthwhile industry. "Before the J-Hop I had a good business," he told his companions. "It was illegal and so practically my only overhead was hush money. Oh. I had a few other minor expenses. For one thing I had to buy lollypops for the kids from the Unigrational Church. "They would (Oxie con- inued) come down every Sun- day after their classes in church, and then I'd pass out the suckers, one to each of / them. The little brats would 1 put two bucks on some nag's " nose, they'd never bet place or show. I'd clean their little pants off them regularly. "I wasn't mean to them. If they wanted credit I used to give it to them. But I'd make them pay me back even if, as was most often the case, they would have to take the money out of their daddies' pocket- books late at night. If they didn't pay me I'd tell their daddies and they'd get their litle hind ends blistered. If I should ever have a progeny - he won't be dull-witted likes these Sunday school boys: he'll Oxie learn his arithmetic from the Daily Racing Form. "But all this business stopped with the J-Hop. About three weeks ago all the college boys stopped coming down. I'd noticed about a week before that they never had beer on their breath when they came up to my cage, and I should have suspected ..., With this Herman, who had since dropped out of the game, opened his yap. "I did my best to keep them drinking beer. For one thing, I told them if they didn't the casks would o never be emptied and there * would consequently be no bock beer this springtime. "Then I told them they could go to the Moose twenty times for the price of a J-Hop ticket. But they got funny ideas about orchestras. This saving of money will ultimate- ly hurt those college boys, for with the brewing and horse- racing industries closed down there will be few, if any, wages paid, and there won't be any drunks to spend money freely. "But, have another beer, all s. of you. I can't sell it so I might as well give it away." This expansiveness with beer on Herman's part trou- Sambo bled Oxie's conscience. Ac- cordingly, the latter did what he always did when he felt obligated: he guided Herman into a dark corner of the basement and gave him a tip on a horse at Hia- leah for last Thursday. Roxie practically rationalized Hialeah into existence, for it had closed, along with everything else, three weeks ago. Most of the horses had died, and the Daily Racing Form was carrying recipes in an effort to increase circulation. Sambo, who, having gone through everybody's funds like Pluto water, wasn't feeling so bad, had his troubles too. Unlike most gamblers, he had an eye for the future. "Well," began Sambo, "everything came so easy this last fall that I loafed. It was a dismal night when I left Washtenaw fraternities and sororities with more thirty pesos collectively. I happen to play dice like Duke Ellington plays the piano, but I never once used loaded dice,y which make it harder for a good manipulator like me to win. "When everybody began saving their money I took to following the sandwich man around, catching them when they came down for a bit. After a while they got sore, and that's why I've got these two black eyes." At this everybody looked up quizzi- cally at Sambo, then foolish- ly at each other and then, of course, down again. Herman Everybody had nothing to say, and said it. So, their sad tales ended, they all got up and walked away, leaving one with the general impression that three great industries had buckled, putting the nation in a hideous recession, because churches and the W.C.T.U. don't keep much money in circulation after all. Fixed Costs, TheCINEMA Multi - Dang By JOSEPH GIES The movie mart for the Hop week- nd C u rves end, scanned in brief fashion witn an eye to Saturday and Sunday mat- inee speculations, contains one item C ause S um whichappears solid enough for the current investment price, another that perhaps should sell a little short Last Factor Blinds Eyes Of Buyers, in the present supply-and-demand schedules, and a third which un- Experienced Economists Claim; doubtedly will prove a gilt-edged Two Paths To Prosperity bottled-in-bond good thing. Reading from left to right, they are Man- By BOJANGLES Proof, with Myrna Loy and Franchot Why does a recession recede? Tone; The Last Gangster, with Ed- Ten University economists (not the ward G. Robinson, and Every Day's kind that economize for the Univer- A Holiday, with the ineffable, un- sity at Lansing) when questioned last quenchable Mae West furnishing a night settled with finality the prob- temporary upswing in a proverbially lem that has set the nation on its depressed market. back for several months. The slump in the Golden West Prof. Shorey Peterson led off the stock predicted as a result of the re- symposium by pointing out that all cent activity of the Federal Radio recessions, like tidal waves and good Commission'scensor in connection orchestras in Ann Arbor, must recede. with the Adam and Eve deal on a "The only question," he said, "is Sunday evening program has failed whether they will recede eventually to materialize. Instead, it is reliably or sooner, and if so how high and dry reported that Gideon Bibles, Inc., has will the campus be. hit a new high following the stimulus "However, before the situation can of the West salesmanship. At any rate be completely remedied, the main the episode does not appear to have cause of the slump must be eliminat- had an adverse effect on the box of- ed. This was undoubtedly the illegal fice selling price of West, which is combination of fraternity men in re- still listed as Preferred on practically straint of competition for coeds. thlexcags teEatatoso "There are two paths to prosperity: the Every Day's A Holiday personnel a return to free competition for wom- include Edmund Lowe (whose stock en for the J-Hop; or complete Univer- is higher than the name indicates), sity regulation of not only hours, but Charles Butterworth, Charles Win- quantity of dating and distribution inger, Walter Catlett and Chester of affections. We face a crucial crisis." Conklin. At the Majestic Exchange, Despite the conclusive evidence of- Saturday and Sunday. fered by Professor Peterson, Prof. Ed- The next best product for week- gar (G-Man) Hoover claimed that end buying, the Loy-Tone issue, also secret information brought to him by featuring Rcsalind Russell among its government agents indicated that re- selling points, is recommended for cessions, slumps, declines, or depres- those who like their film stocks light sions-like sunspots, are here to recur. but steady. At the Michigan Curb, "There can be no doubt," he vowed Sunday. "that the cycle in female affections- from coldness and multi-dating in the early fall, to going "steady" about the time J-Hop bids are passed O n T h - L a around, to affection (until J-Hop n T he Level morning) in proportion to the flow of currency, to multi-dating by the time the second semester starts-this cycle is endemic to the University system of By WRAG limiting the number of women to one- The J-Hop is a lot like the Demo- third the number of men." cratic Party-the only difference is However, Prof. Robert S. Ford, that the J-Hop might possibly end commanding attention by pounding up in the black. on his desk, calmly refuted (he claimed) both Professor Peterson and This year the J-Hop Commit- Professor Hoover in his soft, silken, tee had two platforms--one for sonorous, Southern syllables. "Tax- Kyser and one for Dorsey. And ation," he yelped, "taxation is the the planks are for dancing so all source of all evils, just as sure as parties are pleased. Mother Nature is the source of all good. As usual, the affair is priced some- "Were it not for the three per cent thing like a Jackson Day Dinner, but sales tax in the sovereign state of at The Hop you get a few hot tunes Michigan, students would not take and not quite so much hot air for taxicabs to the J-Hop, would walk, your money. wear out their shoes, buy new ones and the flow of consumers goods thus And then every J1-Hop has its stimulated would give the recession N.L..B.-h"No Liquor Hemains a recess." in Bottles." But Prof. Charles Remer, unim- pressed, maintained that the fall in international trade was both the cause and effect of the economic de- cline Ann Arbor and the United States are facing. The University Loan system, how- aver, was attacked jointly by Prof. Leonard L. Watkins and Prof. How- ard S. Ellis. "The artificial restric- tions upon credit, they affirmed, in- terfered with the expansion of in- dustrious love affairs, since Michi- gan Men with depleted resources were prevented from borrowing sufficient capital to finance the appearance of their O.A.O. sfrom the home town. The lower expenditures, thus neces- sitated, caused the current produc- tion to become overproduction." An entirely different view was taken by Prof. I. L. Sharfman, head of the economics department and railroad expert, who maintained that the de- crease in multi-dating and the in- crease in steady-dating, culminating n the J-Hop are closely linked to or- iginal cost (reckoned from the begin- ning of the semester) less deprecia- tion. "The constant building up of investments made by Michigan men," Professor Sharfman said, "has con- tributed largely to the present mar- ket condition. The boys are just pur- suing the old American custom of orotecting their investments. Onlv there was no need to call in the Marines. The local boys seem to have the situation well in hand." The consensus of labor experts, Prof. William Haber, Prof. Margaret Elliot and Robert Horner, indicated that the whole problem is one of 'urves. "Curves hold the key to the whole question," they said in unison 'ast night. "If the income of students is plot- ;ed on the same graph with their grades, the point of intersection is House Parties have their W.P.A- "Whatta Party Afterwards!" and their own A.A.A. - "After-Alcohol Asininities." However, house parties aren't what they used to be. The days of the pa- jama parties and all night dances are over, and girls move into fraternity houses merely to see what kind of a dive the boys have to put up with all year. But one of the houses is going to have a lot of fun after the J-Hop is over and the girls have trucked back to their regular rooms. The boys have planted a dictaphone system throughout the house and plan to listen to the cow-sessions that always con- tinue to the wee hours. Thus goes another J-Hop, and by the time the red marks of starched collars have worn off male necks and the red marks of necks have been washed off male collars, the girls will have their memories pasted in scarp books and the males will be stuck trying to find money for textbooks. very significant," Professor Haber commented. More weight was given to the curve representing the percentage of good movies and dances in Ann Arbor by Professor Elliot. Mr. Horner, how- ever, leans slightly to the curve of lipstick consumption as an idea of dating. But they were all agreed that the whole thing is a matter of curves. "And," they sadin conclusion, "if the curves don't alter there'll be no change."