f'
Page Twenty-Eight
THE MICHIGAN DAILY
Fridov. March 3 1944
Friday, March 3, 1944
THE MICHIGAN DAILY
I
Nazis Routed
In Kpmnsvkr
Basin Battle
Soviet Communique States
German Manpower Reaches
Negative 4,000,000 Figure
By PERCY McBEEBEE
Disassoc. Press Correspondent
(Special to The Daily)
PSIAKTROUMOQNOVSKUVOS,
March 3.-Red forces, sweeping
through the Kpmnsvkr Basin to-
ward the key city of Minskipitsk,
Soviet rail center held by the
Nazis since April 33, 1960, have
forced back the troops of Marshal
Stoutenhammer to the Slovest-
skinkov River bend with an-
nounced Russian casualties of 12.
Estimate Impossible
German casualties have reached
an all-time high "impossible to
estimate," according to the Soviet
communique released by Gen. Ty-.
monomomonnoovretskylov. The
communique also stated: "The:
question of Nazi manpower has
become even more serious with
these new losses. According to
estimates by the Soviet Bureau of
Enemy Populations, the male pop-
ulation of the German Reich be-
tween the ages of 14 and 66 has
now reached the staggering figure
of a negative 4,000,000. The fact
that the German armies are still
fighting is the most tremendous
achievement of any modern na-
tion."
Further fighting in Kpmnsvkr
Basin is expected to result shortly
in the fall of Minskipitsk, thus
driving the German Eighteenth
Army to the village of Dksopomo-
nv where the Red troops of Mar-
shal Kizzeranleaversky are await-
ing the Nazis with "open arms,"
according to the Soviet communi-
que.
14,00 Prisoners Taken
Skirmishes in the lower Potsky
River Basin resulted in the fall of
$8 villages to the Red Army, with
no casualties announced. 14,00
German prisoners were taken, ac-
cording to the communique.
Marshal Joseph Stalin, reported
by neutral sources to have ordered
the name of his brand of tobacco
changed from Stalingradstovski
to Kpmnsvkrskovski, in honor of
this new Red victory.
CROWLEY
STUDIO
PORTRAITS
A SPECIALTY
HOME PORTRAITS
BY APPOINTMENT
Weddings - Gronps
Graduation
Application Photographs
TELEPHONE 2-2220
321 SOUTH MAIN
Knights Lay Down Armor for More F6
y
. "v f : Vt- "
itting V-Ball Attire
Tuxedos, tails, white ties, stuffed
shirts, all the soup and fish are
scarce these days. That is
what the well dressed BMOC
has found in preparing for
his big night-
Victory Ball.
But that hasn't stopped our two
galavanting heroes.
Faced with the problem of accu-
mulating the proper attire for
Directory Is
More Than
Just Names
Believe It or Not, Spicy
Stuff Dashes Through
Erstwhile Lifeless Volume
fAides Walk Out, F.DRfppoi
Prof. Flawson's Prophecies
Bode No Good Will for Students
By PROF. CRESTON FLAWSON
No V-Ball extra would be com-
plete without predictions of the
fates of the 8,000 odd students
who at present are honoring the
University with their presence.
Mostcertain and most un-
happy prediction: Exit, as of
April 1, a goodly percentage of
both the male and female popu-
lation. ASTP is leaving, you
know, and it would seem that
the only way the obliging coed
can keep up the morale of the
armed forces is to follow her
nman around. We're all for it,
ourselves.
And, of course, classes will con-
tinue. No doubt there will be just
as many people as usual grump-
ling on to eight o'clocks, and cut-
ting them when the effort to get
out of bed is too much. To make
these unfortunate souls feel a
little better, we feel obliged to re-
mind you that pretty soon the
moon will have set before 8 a.m.
* * *
Another prediction that is ab-
solutely definite and positively
certain regards the weather. And
if anyone is harboring any
thoughts about ordinary spring,
where it rains only 4 days out of
five, he will soon change his tune.
But then one can always say that
even though the rain makes the
coeds look even more like hags
than usual since their hair is
never up, that there is nothing
better for a facial and soft sexy
skin than constant fine mist on
the face. Or is this why the
Planned Parenthood Club of Ann
Arbor always puts on a special
membership drive in the spring.
June will find another Ec 51
class with a mortality rate ap-
proaching 95%.
* * * ~
Another depression may hit
Ann Arbor at which time.Univer-
sity officials can be bribed to fal-
sify ident cards. P-Bell here we
come.
Male students may soon be
forced to keep hours. After the
mass exodus of men from campus,
it will be easier to keep track of
the men left than of the girls,
* * *
Physics lectures may become
so interesting that admittance
is charged at the door.
* * *
It is also safe to predict that
there will soon be extra rooms
around town. We wouldn't dare
promise lower rents though.
According to present indica-
tions so many students will pro-
tect the discontinuance of Geol-
ogy 65 that University authorities
will be forced to have the course
taught again next semester.
Business in the arboretum
will soon be resumed. But due
to the present ratio, there will
be no crowding.
Students and professors may
some day fill the roles they were
intended for. Students, seeking
knowledge, will ask questions of
the profs. We wonder who would
cram for bluebooks and finals.
** *
It is even safe to wager that
some day beer picnics will again
be held in the Arboretum and
illegal fraternity parties. At that
same time there will be a shortage
of GIRLS.
Keep A-Headt
Our military styles are design
for victory. We are glad to
victory possible.
THE DASCOI
tne big dance, Ezra nd eke Polk's city directory of Ann Ar-
(pctured above) journeyed down bor contains a wealth of interest-
to main street and visited ing and not so interesting facts.
Claude Brown, whose hearty Just to acquaint the student with
smile and sly manner has this amazing book, The Daily has
become tradition with the undertaken a compilation of the
well dressed Michigan more spicy items therein:
man. He sells old As Is Athens
clothes.
"My heart is pure and I have the Slogan of this fair city, believe
strength of ten," quoth Zeke, it or not, is "Athens of the West."
"but I can't go dressed as a In addition, we learn that the
knight in armor." principal manufactured products
"My girl thinks I am a he man," of this thriving metropols are:
yelped Ezra when the astute broaches and broaching machines
Mr. Brown pulled out a baby (for breach of promise suits, per-
costume. haps?); candy (to make the coeds
Theyfouht nd fgurd ad Isweeter. you know) ; castings (get
They fought and figured and thee behind me, Satan!); cigars
guessed what would be fitting (anything to break that damn
ufor Michigan's extravaganza. cigarette habit); commercial bal-
We are breaking a confidence, but ers (out of the jug, no doubt),
in the interests of ethical jour- doors and blinds (we always have
nalism we feel we must di- held that they are mighty con-
vulge the real names of the venient at times) high-speed steel
two characters pictured. forgings (to put pressure on the
It hurts, but they are profs?); furniture (the better to
Dave Loewenberg, a soft-sofa you with, my dear);
lit student from gasoline gauges (to measure the
Chicago, and Stan gas appeal in these autoless
Wallace, a lit student days); ice and ice cream (arbore-
not from Chicago. tum cold shoulders must have had
their fingers in tis business); pis-
ton pins (sex, glamour and Die-
y h m fortrich!); coiled and flat springs
(take your pick, sister) and, to
U W finish off, sashes, steel balls and
pharmaceutical and toilet articles
(everyone needs these).
Learn To Swing and Sway Also, the University Library, as
In the Arthur Murray Way of 1941, had 1,025,000 volumes. No
wonder so many students wear
Too many Michigan men think glasses.
that the only aim in dancing is And, if you are interested, per-
to see how many times you can haps the sanitary engineers wgill
be, this "Athens of the West" has
get around the room. Some aim 109.24 miles of sewers.
only at mileage and others at Location Is Lovely
breaking speed records also. How does the directory describe
The pump handle type of dancer the location of Ann Arbor? We
is another common type. He grabs feel that the following quotation
your hand tight and moves it pis necessary to convincethose
you had tghtandmovs i UPhomesick people from the rugged
and down, up and down, up and beauty of New England and the
down so that by the end of the warm scents of Florida that Ann
evening you are sure that with Arbor really has its merits if only
two more pumps your entire right one will look for them: "Ann Ar-
half will give way. bor stands on a range of hills
Even commoner is the fellow overlooking the beautiful valley of
who uses the same step all eve- the Huron River, while all around
ning or who spends the evening lies a sweep of rich, rolling farm
explaining what a good dancer lands." (To be perfectly frank
he used to be before he got out of with you, I haven't noticed this
practice. "beauty" either.)
On the basis of these sad facts All this, in addition to anybody
it seems that a few dancing les- and everybody's address, includ-
sons would be very appropriate. ing students. I'll bet you didn't
Therefore, we will offer a five know you were in there, now, did
minute course entitled "How To you?
Imitate Arthur Murray" or "This Yup, as the directory states, in
I Ain't Michigan." bold face caps, "THERE IS ONLY
First, as regards the boys. Ap- ONE ANN ARBOR." Thank hea-
proach the girl gently. She's just ven for some consideration of us
as anxious to get in your arms as poor mortals.
you are to get her there. After '
all there is a shortage of men you
know so this may be something toI
which she isn't quite accustomed.
Now, put your arms around her, R D N
but remember there are people THE VICTORY SPORT!
looking. Her housemother might
even be a chaperon. Get on your
mark, listen for the beat, get set,!
go. You'd better start going in < '
the other direction. Every other ;
couple on the floor couldn't be
wrong. Two steps one way and
two the other. When you get tired
just sit one out and watch the oth-
er couples until you learn a news
step.
Girls, remember that your main
job is to keep him off your toes and
to tell him how well he's doing. Ride one of our fine horses,
It'll be easy to convince him, but indoors or out according to
just try to make yourself believe
it. the weather. Beginning or
advanced classes. Free Trans-
of Your Hair 0i tation
ed to your personal appearance, Fi
serve the men who are makin S D E
STABLES
LA BARBERS Phone 2-3441
Our Public Wri~tesi
- *
Special to The Daily
WASHINGTON, D. C., March 4.
-As the President's head janitor
carefully replaced the name tab1
on the door of the White House
last night (the other had turned
yellow with age), the whole nation
awaited by their firesides for the
presidential comment on the fiery4
havoc resulting from the resigna-
tion of all ten cabinet members.
Shortly after midnight the
much-expected news issued from
the White House broadcasting4
room. Unable to find ten mem-
bers outside his immediate kin to,
fill the posts, the President made
the following appointments:
Eleanor Qualifies
The Secretary of State is to be
Anna Eleanor Roosevelt (Mrs.
Franklin D. Roosevelt) 'whom the
President feels is most qualified
for the position in view of her in-
ternational connections. "Al-
though I have not been in close
enough contact with Mrs. Roose-
velt in the last two years to dis-
cuss with her personally, her ac-
tivity in educational, sociological
and political lines, new reports
have portrayed her work as very
constant, complete, trans-contin-
- BULLETIN -
WASHINGTON, D. C.; March
4.--Newly-reelected President of
the United States Franklin De-
lano Roosevelt announced to-
night the appointees to the ten
cabinet positions of the Execu-
tive Department of the United
States government. The depart-
ment posts, recently vacated by
the third-term members, are to
be filled by Mrs. Roosevelt, the
four Roosevelt sons, President
and Mrs. Roosevelt's daughter,
two Roosevelt grandchildren, the
Roosevelt son-in-law and Fala.
ental and international in nature.}
I have heard from authoritative
sources that there is no spot in
the world which Mrs. Roosevelt or
Prime Minister Churchill has not
visited. On these bases I feel that(
she is qualified to steer our nation
in its foreign entanglements," the
President said.
To the important post of Post-
master-General, the President ap-
pointed Fala (who needs no in-
troduction to readers). "Fala, I
i-
a
it
t
(
I
i
t
C
t
I
t
s
C
t
c
;e
sl
a
it
d
b
Sirs:<
Most honorable McCormick is
my man. It would make me velly
happy to find the flower of Ameri-
can manhood occupy the most
honorable position of chief execu-
tioner.
Hirohito
* * *
Sirs:
Me want Henry Wallace for
President, great and good United
States. Me-want more milk. Sav-
vy?-
Mumdago Tchambuli
King of Hottentots
Sirs :
Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
the man of the year, the man
of the century, the man of all
ages! Need I say more.
Alben W. Barkley
Another dark horse.-Ed.
* * *
Sirs :
I have no statement to make.
Thomas E. Dewey
No comment.-Ed.
* * *
Sirs:
I have been much alarmed re-
cently by the Dewey-for-President
clique. Although I realize that{
this is only a passing fancy on the
part of our intelligent and en-
lightened voters, it still illustrates
a dangerous tendency.
The point is simply this: Dewey
has a mustache. A fine mustache,
I must admit-one which prob-
ably required years of painstaking
care and treatment.
But the editors of The Daily will
undoubtedly agree with me when
I point out the fact that it is un-
American and contrary to the
freedom loving spirit of our fore-
fathers.
I suggest that the Dies Commit-
tee start an investigation imme-
diately. No man with a mustache
shall ever have the presidency of
the United States.
D. Walter Sptslk
Probably just jealous.-Ed.
Typewriter;
in a Jam?
we'll fix it
OFFICE EQUIPMENT
SERVICE CO,-
207 S. Main Ph. 2-1213
Sirs:
Washington is such a strain
on my nerves after a heavy con-
gressional winter. When little
things started to annoy me at
the office, Franklin suggested I
come to Ye Michigan Campus
for ,a rest. I have found com-
plete relaxation and especially
love your Ann Arbor trees.
Fala
Arf, arf!--Ed.
Sirs:
Having long been a reader and
admirer of your fine paper, I
choose this method of enlisting
the support of the Michiganmcam-
pus in my forthcoming campaign
for the presidential nomination on
the socialist ticket.
My all-inclusive four-point plat-
form can, I think, hardly fail to
call forth your enthusiastic coop-
eration:
1. When elected I shall im-
mediately see that elevators are
installed in Angell Hall. These
elevators will be the most up-to-
date elevators ever seen in any
building on the Michigan cam-
pus, guaranteed not to shoot
through the roof, stop between
floors or drop suddenly through
the basement.
2. With the support of the Board
of Regents, the President of the
University and the state legisla-
ture, I shall plant petunias along
all the sidewalks.
3. I guarantee all A's to every
student enrolled in this great insti-
tution of learning.
4. There shall be two chickens
in every pot and a Cadillac con-
vertible in every garage.
J. Edgar Percy Twiffleham
(right and honorable)
Man, you're cooking with gas
now.-Ed.
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VAN AKKEREN
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Cabinet Is Filled with F
Fala Gets Post as Old-T
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