THE MICHIGAN DAILY
Friday, March 3, 1944
Friday, March 3, 944
THE MICHIGAN DAILY
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Tf-IF MICI-ICAN DAILY Fiday, March 1944 Frida,,Mrh3 94TEMCIA AL
a tion Brecthless osFDR Flips Coin
Fourth Term Decision,
Still Remains Doubtful
Voodoo Magic. Loading Charged
Figuring in Our Political
By Astonished Nat
By MONROE FINK
WASHINGTON, D.C., March 4.1
-"Heads, I run for a fourth term,
tails I don't," was the statement'
President Roosevelt made as he
tossed a coin before an assembled
gathering of reporters at his week-
ly press conference at the White,
In the best 1944 traditionathe
coin stood up on its side after
which the Chief Executive was
hears to remark, "that coin has
been in my possession so long it's
even acquired my habits."
During the past 12 hours, "smoke
filled rooms and noisy newspaper
city desks have been buzzing with
speculation over this strange phe-
Interviewed at his Pine Street
office (just around the corner from
Wall Street) Wendell Willkie com-
mented, "The action of the Presi-
dent's coin is no more remarkable
than mine for in spite of the num-
ber of times I toss it, it always
comes up heads."
Sam Grafton, columnist, was re-
ported as saying, "The behavior of
this coin reflects once again that
attitude of vascilation and inde-
cision which is responsible for our
muddled foreign policy."
Waving a large red herring,
Robert McCormick, publisher of
the Chicago Tribune, stated, "The
coin was obviously loaded accord-
ing to a new process which usually
reliable sources inform me hasI
just been perfected by a group of
anarchist scientists in Moscow."3
"Voodoo magic," was the only
explanation which Alabama's Rep.
Rankin could offer. "Obviously
Roosevelt learned about it through
his wife's experiments in inter-
i Interviewed in Albany shortly 1
after the President's conference.
Tom Dewey proceeded to toss a
coin in the air himself, with the
gleeful remark, "See! Mine plays
Between sips of tea, Harrison
(possibly not the most dangerous
chairman the Republican party
has ever had) Spangler said that
he perferred to remain silent
awaiting a poll of the nation's
"There is nothing strange about
the President's coin," "Honest"
John Bricker told a group of cor-I
respondents. "He has so far un-
balanced the budget and 'rubber-
ized' our currency that even coins
find it impossible to maintain a
normal position." Reporters left
him while he was still flinging
coins around the room in an at-
tempt to show how stable a "state
rights" variety would be.
Found in a disgruntled mood in
his office by a member of the New
York Times staff, Jim Farley said,
"I taught Frank a lot in my day
but I never thought he would stoop
to cheap magicianship."
"Even the mints have been af-
fected by the lay down attitude of
organized labor, "Westbrook Peg-
ler, columnist, remarked at a ban-
quet sponsored by the National
Aassociation of Manufacturers
earlier this evening. "We can no
longer trust the quality of our
Caught by reporters just before
climbing into a Flying Fortress on
her way back to speak before aI
women's club meeting in South
Africa, Mrs. Roosevelt refused to!
comment on the grounds that she
had hardly seen her husband in
the last two years.
Discovered in their council
chambers hurling bean bags atj
one another, the "nine young men"
of the Supreme Court told Wash-!
ington correspondents that they
would be too busy fighting with
each other during the next "umftv
umfpt" years to worry about such
passing fancies as a fourth term.;
Stockholm radio, on the advice
of a Berlin correspondent, who
was given permission to interview
Benito Mussolini, in his specially
designed dungeon below the Wil-
helmstrasse, quoted the Duce asI
saying, "That's nothing, I used to
jump through hoops of fire."
But in spite of the wide disa-
greement among important per-
sonalities, the attitude of "the man
on the street" was best summed up
in the statement, "What else can
you expect from those new coins
the Treasury is putting out."
quiet 'good neighborly'
Vice-President, who may sur-
prise everybody as the darkest
of the deep dark horses.
. .Michigan's own, who re-
fuses to comment, but, oh, how
he can run!'
Department Heads Lose
Mora Support for Chief
After Muddled Election
Special to The Daily
WASHINGTON, D.C., March 4.
-Within a half hour after the re-
sults of the presidential election
securing Franklin D. Roosevelt
for a fourth term in the White
House, the entire cabinet resigned.
In view of the fact that Roose-
velt was reinstated in the chief
executive chair by a simple major-
ity of only 10,000 votes (the na-
tional electorate was so muddled
by partisan issues that only a few
thousand ballots were legible), the
retiring cabinet members were too
confused to remain in office.
Pivot Post Deserted
Miss Perkins told reporters last
night that she did not feel that
labor was swinging for the Chief
and she "as Florence Nightingale
of the workers of America" could
no longer remain in the "pivot
post" to support the President
:'throughout this term and the
terms which shall follow."
Fearing for his life as a result
of the Wall Street crash today,
Henry Morgenthau, Jr., ex-Secre-
tary of the Treasury, stated,
"Frank's reelection has caused fin-
ancial chaos in this country: a
major panic must follow today's
actions in the curb market; I can
no longer hold my post."
Victory Gardens Threatened
Sec. of Agriculture Wickard
said after leaving the President
late last evening that "Mr. Roose-
velt had hinted at ploughing up
every victory garden in order that
an American flag may be planted
in every spare inch of soil in this
country. I can assume no part of
such a plan," Wickard said in
Attorney-General Biddle, stat-
ing that he doubted the legality of
the recent election, said he could
no longer serve the President
faithfully and must resign his
position to someone who was more
willing to "get Frank out of his
Nerves Are Shot
Secretary of Commerce Jones,
on hearing that Eleanor has em-
barked early this morning on a
continental "thank-you topr" an
nounced that this was the "straw
which broke the Jones' back." He
told friends at lunch that all east-
west-north - and - south bound
trains had been off schedule for
twelve years as a result of Elea-
nor's travels. "My nerves just
won't take another four years of
complaints," he said. It was indi-
cated by official sources that
Jones would resume the presi-
dency of the Union Pacific lines.
Secretary 'of Interior Ickes was
found in the Library of Congress
scanning a world atlas after he
had commented to the librarian
that "anywhere in the interior of
the United States was too hot for
him now." Walter Winchell
flashed that Ickes had purchased
a one-way ticket to Shangri-La.
Hull Takes Vacation
Secretary of State Cordell Hull
left for an extended vacation to
the Smokey Mountains "where I
can read about foreign affairs in
the morning paper and get away
from the national hellzapoppin,"
he told reporters.
Secretary of Navy Knox and
Secretary of War Stimson, having
spent the night naming a new
U.S. fleet for Candidate John
Bricker's relatives, gave up the
whole deal in disgust and re-
signed. "The whole situation is
impossible," Knox was reported
to have said, and Stimson ex-
See CABINET, Page 31
Teacher Gives Apples to
Pupils in Utopian Classes
When class interest is rated higher than attendance, when com-
prehension means more than rote memory for a bluebook, when stu-
dents take courses to get more out of them than a grade or three
hours credit, Utopia will have supplanted the University.
Typical classroom scene of the dim remote day when a class is
no longer a wasted hour that weary students would much rather
spend at the nearest campus
hangout or peacefully asleep in should have-(The scene fades
bed: back to 1944, to students running
PROF. MURCH: (strides cheer- madly to classes, because being
fully into the room, lugging a bag marked present means more than
of apples) Here, have some. This the class, to students cutting clas-
is no bid for attention or industry, ses because not learning a lesson
either. I just like apples. (He might endanger their hoped for
passes them out by tossing them mark, to students cramming for
at the astounded characters finals and then forgetting every-
sprawled in their seats. They sud- thing they learned, happy because
denly begin to wake up.) It's a they got their three hours credit.)
nice day-let's go outdoors, eh? That's life. Well, maybe some-
(The Army's been doing it: why day-
not the rest of the classroom-
JOHN Q. MURDLESON, JR.: 4
(innocently, peering through his
thick horn - rimmed bifocals)!
But, Professor Murch, I thought
we were going to have a quiz on
nineteenth century silver legis-
REST OF CLASS (furiously):
Shut up, you dope!I
PROF MURCH: Why don't we D Needs
go outdoors and have a nice quiet r
discussion over the apples, on
what should have been done onM ore i
the silver question, eh?
CLASS (all except Murdleson, Continued from Page 26
who has that frustrated look
caused in the good old war days
by trying to find a place that this country needed a Florence
served steak): Let's go! (They Nightingale to look after their best
find a grassy spot somewhere in interests. "I feel that Franklin D.
the vicinity of the library. The Roosevelt, Jr., will be quite cap-
rest of the University is perched able as a substitute for the late
on the grass, happily munching Miss Perkins, however, as Frank's
various forms of food and wav- efforts at preventing family strikes
ing oranges in heated discus- and walk-outs have been quite ef-
sions). fective in the past. Frank has the
PROF. MURCH: I forgot to tell abality to make every person want
you-we never take roll these to cooperate," the President con-
days. If you don't come, I'll know eluded.
it when I have the final discussion Having made the startling ap-
with you. pointments known to his fireside
MURDLESON: But how do you audience, the President closed with
get to be a Phi Bete, then? My the hope that the Senate would
father was a Phi Bete here. and I see fit to make the approvals with
want to be one. too. the same unbiased, non-partisan
HARMON: Aw, haven't you and unselfish motives that moved
heard? After my Dad was lost for him to make the appointments.
the fourth time, the Regents asked "I am sure the electors of this
him, as a personal favor, to please nation will feel that I have made
stay put, And he said he would if the choicest of selections for the
they'd outlaw Phi Bete here, on executive cabinet and will over-
account of he didn't like it be- look the fact that those appoint-
cause it was the one thing here he ed were intimately connected with
never made. m," the President said.
PETE POWERHOUSE (flexing Rporters interviewing the Pres-
his powerful football muscles): ident following the broadcast an-
Yeah, Prof. Moich, let's get back nounced that for the first tme in
to the subject. What about them the histoiy of the United States
silver laws, huh? They sort of the need has arisen for ail Cabinet
confuse me, on account of I al- members to reside in the White
ways feel they didn't know what House. "With the exigencies ot
they was doing, war as they are, I feel the need
PROF MURCH: Well, Power- for having all members present so
house, there's a lot of truth in that domestic. national, and in-
that. On the other hand, the ternational affairs can be settled
Act of 1890- on-the-spot," the President wa
HARMON: That was a stupid quoted as saying,
act, if you ask me. I think they Following the interview the
Free of Rules
UTOPIA, ANN ARBOR, During
the Millenium-(DP)- The stu-
dent house of representatives at
Utopia, the college now occupying
the site formerly occupied by the
University, decided yesterday that
girls will no longer be required to
Football Star Lost ii
Or, t Can Happen
This body decided that as most
of the girls have reached the age
of consent, they should be able to
make up their own minds about
such unimportant matters as what
time they should go in. This is
all in line with the new plan
adopted by the legislature of
Utopia of teaching students to
think for themselves.
Bring Your Buick Up
The house also decided that all
rules regulating the operation of
motor vehicles will be immediately
revoked. It was decided that if
students desired to spend their
time driving around rather than
studying, that they should be al-
lowed to do so.
In this way there will not be
the discrimination between stu-
dents who have learned to avoid
the campus cop and those who
just seem to be in the same spot
where he is.
Many girls were seen in the
library studying in slacks last
night. The dean of women walked
in and asked if the girls would see
if the student legislature couldn't
add an amendment to the bill so
she could wear her slacks to work
in the future.
The president of Utopia has
submitted a speech he proposes to
give to the House Committee on
Professorial Action. The commit-
tee will discuss the speech tomor-
By PRETZEL MAC BELL
Special To The raily
TIMUCTOO, March 3.-News
of a wild-eyed white man; with a
beard so long he wraps it around
his waist in the jungle trails, has
been brought to this outpost of
civilization by a native runner who
expressed the belief: "I think the I su
guy's a football player from the esp
way he tackles the underbrush." con
It is believed that the man is \
one of four lost in a plane crash fici
last month over Lake Chad. Hope sta
that the man will survive until dir
rescue party Number Fourteen an
reaches that area has been ex- fro
pressed by officials in the Tim- bea
buctoo University of Michigan Ex- ma
tension Service office. for
The native runner was unable foo
because of t
Also, the rt
so busy 'sc
Did I reset
1" and t
m the c
row and decide whether or not
the president will be permitted to
Girls no longer have to live in
I approved houses. The new legis-
lative body has decided that
where, how and with whom a per-
son lives is her own business.
Plays will have to be approved1
only by a Utopia Committee on
Stident Amusement in the future.
This committee will judge plays!
entirely on the basis of whether
or not they will meet with student1
approval. Special Hayes Office
regulations formerly in effect for
the college will be ignored in the
Hours for dancing in all, places
I frequented by students are to be
determined by fatigue. and not by
' hard and fast rules. Fraternities
t can have parties whenever they
want to. Their only task now is to
f try to find girls to attend them.
The Lamp Is Low
Half the lights in dorm living
- rooms will be turned off in the
future. How coeds entertain their
s guests in this section of the room'
will be their own business. The
legislature has decided that it is
- better to have students neck un-
der cover of darkness than under1
r the lights in front of the dorm.
d "We must think of the reputation
of Utopia," they said.
There will also be no room in-
s . _ R i
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,fr r -,
u '' " ;
ib (E V -
.Ai big; sel(
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT
the hero of our tale and the mystery man of the ages.
Another Barnum, FDR keeps up the nation's aspirin sales
with the headaches everyone gets guessing-just guessing.
Unearthed in Book on FDR
Latest sensation in high politi-
cal circles is the strange mystery
of "The Purloined Letter," pub-
lished in T. Felsen Parks' new
book, "Four Men-Franklin D.
"Dear Jack," the letter ran,
"What has been done in the sixth
term matter? Will you send word
by carrier pigeon, please. What
developments in the coup d'etat?
Fala is going to be the man in my
opinion, and I can promise you
good dog food from that quarter if
you think it- would be helpful."
It was - typewritten on White
House stationery, dated January
16 (the night of), and signed
"Harrison Spangler" in lemon
juice which became visible only
when held over the flame of a
candle. Parks said it meant that
Spangler wanted Fala to get the
sixth term nomination in 1952.
The book had scarcely appeared
before Harrison Spangler de-
nounced the letter as a forgery.
On second thought he called up
the dog pdund and sent dogcatch-
Republican Senator William1
Percival Snodgrass thought the
Senate ought to investigate too.
He said he wanted to find out if
Spangler was "now dabbling in
canine politics." He made a 157-
page speech in the Senate, illus-
trating it with photostats of dogs
infected with rabies. If they were
genuine, they indicated that the
United Society of America for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Dumb
Animals had undoubtedly given
Spangler the "purloined letter."
The Senate was disturbed and
confused by these unforeseen de-
velopments. Dies suggested a spe-
cial committee investigation of
communistic tendencies among
dog breeders of America and pre-
sented evidence of subversive ac-
tivities on the part of members of
the profession. Six special com-
mittees were immediately author-
ized to probe the matter.
Roosevelt family (with the excep-
tion of Mrs. Roosevelt who is in
Shangri-La doing social work for
the starving and aged) settled
down for a family dinner in the
White House to discuss plans for
the coming term.
Lisle Kant Run
Lace Kant Run
Mich. Theatre Bldg.
for theBa .ll..
The Gage Linen Shop has a great
many handkerchiefs to go with any
X'*:.evening gown or date dress. No out-
fit is complete without one. Whether
she prefers gay prints or dressy ban-
kies we have fine quality linens.
Always Reasonably Priced
10 NICKELs ARCADE
--.. - ----" -----yfi ---' t.--..."" ---- t ..... ...-- C ---
Pipes, tobacco, cigars and cigarettes of
the finest quality and in your favorite
brand. For special occasions we have
"Party Cigarettes" by Benson and
Candy is an
ular today 1
lovely to 10
// 'as good.
GEN. DOUGLAS MAC ARTHUR
. 'Bataan speaks' on every-
thing but the fourth term ques-
tion. However, who knows . .
he may yet.
... the meteor flashing across
the sky may end up a nice
bright star on the horizon yet.
324 S. State