January 31, 2006
arts. michigandaily. com
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EXPLORES NEW DEPTHS
By Imran Syed
Daily Arts Writer
There comes a point in every man's life when he
must stop what he's doing and re-evaluate his perspec-
tive on the world and his place within it.
Such a time came and went about five years ago for
Hilton's nasty dynasty *
somehow managed to go one
column without mentioning
her name, but celebutante Paris
Hilton made her way back into the
news with a libel suit filed by her
ex-boyfriend's 40-something for-
with a reputation of
not exactly being the
brightest bulb on Broad-
way, Hilton managed
to outdo herself with
her ignorance on the
witness stand. Accord-
ing to court documents
obtained by www.tmz.
corn, Hilton failed, in.
all her experience, to
master an understand- PU
ing of international MA
Martin Lawrence. While other
funnymen chose to move on
from slapstick to adult comedy,
Lawrence decided to make a
sequel to his 2000 "hit" "Big
Momma's House" The lat-
est in the unfortunate trend of
bad movies leading to worse
At the Showcase
and Quality 16
20th Century Fox
sequels, this one lacks any sense of comedy, passable
storyline or respect for its poor audience's time.
Malcolm Turner (Lawrence), the hapless soul who
donned the Big Momma pads to bust a murderous rob-
ber in the first film, returns to work on another asinine
case for the FBI. Circumstances that are never really
explained lead him to bust out the Big Momma threads
once more and go "undercover" in the house of a sus-
pected bad guy. This man is doing something that's bad
for "homeland security." Of course, what, how or why
is of little concern. At the house, Malcolm undergoes
the usual transformations, has the conventional revela-
tions and falls in love with the three kids, wondering
why their father went so wrong.
In all fairness, the film does have a heart. The kids
are cute and Big Momma's antics to win their support
are mildly endearing. But sentimentality only serves its
purpose if it's handled with poise and gets across an
even remotely heartwarming message.
Such is not the case with "Big Momma's House 2."
One minute we have Malcolm building a delicate rela-
tionship with the eldest daughter, only to have a nude
big momma plopping into a tub of mud a moment later.
The story is a pointless, cyclical disaster.
But perhaps the film's worst aspect is that it's not
even the slightest bit funny. Even Martin Lawrence
diehards will be hard pressed to make excuses for the
guy; he seems to have lost every last hint of comedic
that an acquaintance had "a weird
Greek name. Like Douglas." Even
better, Hilton said, "I meet so many
people. I don't even know some of
my friends' names."
In a minor achievement of sorts,
Hilton didn't embarrass herself
as greatly as her mother managed
to recently. Her youth and lime-
light-obsessed mother did her best
impression of her scantily clad
daughters, and was pictured at a
nightclub (she's in her 40s) com-
pletely trashed and wearing a see-
The incident will likely lead to
large groups of young boys search-
ing for pictures of Paris and unex-
pectedly finding out what happens
when gravity and age take their toll
on the female body.
In related over-the-hill celebrity
news, Aaron Spelling, creator of
"Beverly Hill 90210" and a litany of
other soap operas regularly occupy-
ing soccer moms everywhere, was
charged with sexual harassment this
His nurse alleged that Holly-
wood's favorite octogenarian was
a little too grabby with her (and
himself), fondling her breasts,
masturbating in front of her, asking
for oral sex and "talking about his
own sexual liasons with actresses"
(please say no, Jennie Garth), lead-
ing to retina-burning mental images
and yet another reason to avoid
Court TV at all costs for the next
In a surprising twist of fate, the
caretaker was later involved in a
devastating car accident that left
her in a coma, and is reportedly
pregnant with Spelling's lovechild
- a child destined to grow up with
no mother and exact his
revenge against the Spell-
ing family by purposefully
botching Tori Spelling's
eventual face lift, lead-
ing her to wear a bandage
around her head and going
into seclusion because
of horrific scarring. Or
something like that. I
might be wrong.
The slightly more stoned
IT Aaron, Aaron Sorkin of
,00 "West Wing" fame, will
return to television with
a highly anticipated series follow-
ing the behind-the-scenes action of a
"Saturday Night Live"-type show.
Sorkin, notoriously famous for
his apprehension with hallucinogen-
ic mushrooms at an airport, signed
D.L. Hughley, Steven Weber and
fellow former drug addict Matthew
Perry for the show.
Twice as bloated and half as funny
since his "good" years on "Friends,"
Perry finally has the funds to restart
the expensive habit he was forced to
quit. (Sadly, "Friends" residuals can
only get you so much high-quality
coke and Vicodin.)
And finally, in a Hollywood-imi-
tating-college turn of events, Us
Weekly reports that Jessica Simp-
son was seen performing a sup-
posed "walk of shame" in a men's
shirt from the Chateau Marmont to
her friend's car after a night with
Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine.
Considering Levine's burgeoning
popularity and the death of soon-
to-be ex-hubbie Nick Lachey's sing-
ing career, maybe Jessica's upgrade
should be called a "stride of pride."
Slowly but surely,. she's on her way to
sleeping with three-star talent.
Ah, that's ambition we should all
- Mattoo is a future biographer
of the Hilton sisters and world-
champion gossip. E-mail him
Courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Oddly enough, the most disturbing thing here is the hair.
swagger he once had. Without any real snaps to dish
out, what remains of Lawrence is a 400-pound blob of
rubber, babbling incoherently and desperately clinging
to the Hollywood relevance he once had.
The supporting cast does little to help their ineffec-
tive star. Nia Long's role as Malcolm's love interest
is trimmed considerably from the first film, and she
seems to serve little purpose in this story at all.
Gone are the two top-notch character actors that
somehow wandered into the first film - Terrence
Howard ("Hustle and Flow") and Paul Giamatti ("Cin-
derella Man") - both of whom, incidentally, are likely
to receive Oscar nods this morning.
But then again, both were unknowns when they made
"Big Momma's House," so maybe this sequel will cata-
pult some unknowns to fame too. Come to think of it,
that Eduardo Renta was absolutely stellar as "Club Bad
Guy #2" - maybe he'll turn out to be the next Tom
Hanks. Wouldn't that put a nice, shiny wrapper on the
pile of debris that is "Big Momma's House 2"?
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