4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 27, 2006
S O low IWA"WINF tfdvl l
JASON Z. PESICK
Dueler in Chief
Editorial Page Editors
''I tried to hug Pesick
once, but he hid
under a desk."
- Melissa Runstrom, Daily Arts
Editor, on her nearly romantic, but
ultimately traumatic, encounter with
the Daily's Editor in Chief.
NOTABLE QUOTABLE, TAKE TWO
'' From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking
along the road, some youths came out of the town and
jeered at him. 'Go on up, you baldhead!' they said. 'Go on
up, you baldhead!' He turned around, looked at them and
called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD.
Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-
two of the youths."
II Kings 2:23-24, New International Version.
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How to 'right' a letter to the editor
THE MICHIGAN DAILY OKAY, MAYBE WE DRANK - A LITTLE
ed below are
pies of what
we at Daily
want to see
in a letter to
the editor - ever. But we do enjoy receiving
your letters, sent to tothedaily@michigandaily.
com, of course.
The didactical writing samples included
below provide an extensive, but not compre-
hensive, list of exactly what not to do when
sharing your thoughts with the Daily. We at
the Daily's editorial page have some addi-
What does it take to be a Daily letter writ-
You must write complete, coherent sen-
tences. You must use capital letters and excla-
mation points sparingly. You must not lie.
Please write letters to the Daily, rather than
forwarding us an angry letter you penned to
a third party, be it the President, your ex-
boyfriend or even a columnist you hate. And
please, please don't make stuff up. We spend
hours upon hours trying to dig around on the
Internet to find out if your claims that your
dog was crowned prince of Scalevia or that
Osama bin Laden is dead are true.
It's annoying. We'd rather be sleeping,
drinking or doing our homework than wast-
ing our time on your rubbage.
But even if you can't meet these require-
ments (and they sure are stringent), write us
A truly "good" letter not only meets, but
exceeds these criteria. It offers new insights
- maybe we even chuckle when we read it.
Or maybe, you'll change some minds. Win
some hearts. All those good things.
The opinion editors have had an excellent
time this evening. They can be reached
iT'S A NEW ERA AT DAi.Y Opn .
OR AT LEAST IT WILL E-- STARTING
E-MAIL US AT
MINDLESS RANTS TO THE EDITOR
Editors' Note: The following let-
ters are excerpted, without further
editing, as they were submitted via
e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
We have taken the liberty of replying to their
The first letter, sent from bringbackameric
email@example.com, was submitted as
part of a campaign to get President Bush to
send a letter concerning illegal immigration
to President Vicente Fox of Mexico:
Americans all at risk from
'illegal Mexican invaders'
DEAR MR. PRESIDENT:
This letter is to notify you of extremely
serious IMMIGRATION PROBLEMS that
have begun to "BOIL OVER" in our Country,
the United States of America. We urgently
need your help to rectify the matter imme-
The American people are rising up daily
and notifying us here in Washington of a
major threat to our people, our country, our
way of living,rour entire economy and our
They are upset and they are pointing
out to us with utmost seriousness that we,
here in the hallows of Washington dormito-
ries, were "asleep at the switch", concerned
about votes, and apparently oblivious to a
very serious "INVASION" of our GREAT
COUNTRY by illegal Mexican invaders
from your country.
THIS INVASION MUST CEASE IMME-
DIATELY !!! We want you to call your people
back to their home country NOW !!! DO IT
NOW !!! IT CAN BE DONE - REGARD-
LESS OF WHAT ANY NAY-SAYERS SAY.
IT CAN BE DONE - IT MUST BE DONE
Editors' response: The author of this par-
ticular batshit crazy letter is a little con-
fused on history. America invaded Mexico in
the 1840s, taking half their country in the
process. Do you really think white people
would have named all of California's cities
in Spanish of their own free will?
Osama bin Laden merely
Bush's propaganda tool
TO THE DAILY:
Osama Bin Laden is dead. There has been
a death announcement, a funeral, and a read-
ing of his will, widely published by foreign
newspapers. He died of kidney failure, prob-
ably in December of 2001. That is why,
despite all the torture, he still hasn't been
As CNN reported, "But by December
, of course, that tape that was aired
then, he's barely moving the left side of his
body. So he's clearly got diabetes. He has low
blood pressure. He's got a wound in his foot.
He's apparently got dialysis ... for kidney
How could he have stayed alive for over
four years, having aged so enormously in just
three months since 9/11?
His existence is perpetuated because he
is Bush's "Emmanuel Goldstein" perfect-
The only evidence of his continued exis-
tence is a few poorly recorded tapes (and in
at least one case, the "confession" released
on December 13 2001, a poorly-chosen body
double was used).
Since I know you're a "liberal" newspaper
as they say, this should certainly interest you:
"President Bush has opened a six-point lead
over John Kerry in the first opinion poll to
include sampling taken after the new Osama
bin Laden videotape was broadcast on Friday
night." (Telegraph, 10/31/04)
Just as the BBC article you quoted said of
the latest tape: "The BBC's Justin Webb in
Washington says that in the US the immedi-
ate political effect of the tape will probably
be to boost support for President George W
If the 2004 video was a fake, it was pre-
cisely what the Bush regime (which is in
command of the CIA, may I remind you)
used to tilt the election from Kerry toward
For more background on the facts I've stat-
ed, please see: http://tinyurl.com/7d73d.
Please try to be a better newspaper; Amer-
ica is in peril.
Editors' response: Oldspeaking crimethink-
er deAngeli unbellyfeel Ingsoc. Big Brother is
To revert back to what Orwell's 1984
referred to as "oldspeak:" Of course bin
Laden's dead. Members of the Inner Party
- which of course includes the indepen-
dent student media - have known this for
years. How a lowly prole such as deAn-
geli came across this information, how-
ever, is beyond us. We already took care
of Winston Smith; someone else will pay
We have no qualms about admitting bin Lad-
en's death in print. This paper's going down
the memory hole tomorrow anyway. Adam, be
warned: The Thought Police will be paying you
a visit at the Planet soon.
(,'r(Jr / iti ClAr (iY2t
JASON "ZESTY" PESICK
Editor in Chief
Sun-Thurs. All night long
Alison Go Managing Editor
Farayha Arrine Managing News Editor
NEWS EDITORS: Michael Kan, Jameel Naqvi
Suhael Momin Editorial Page Editor
Sam Singer Editorial Page Editor
ASSOCIATE EDITORIAL PAGE EDITORS: Emily Beam, Christopher Zbrozek
OPINION COLUMNISTS AND NONEDITORS: Sara Eber, Brian Slade
Ian Herbert Managing Sports Editor
SENIOR SPORTS EDITORS: Megan Kolodgy, Sharad Mattu, Matt Venegoni
SPORTS NIGHT EDITORS: Gabe Edelson
Adam Rottenberg Managing Arts Editor
ASSOCIATE ARTS EDITORS: Alexandra M. Jones, Melissa Runstrom
ART SUBEDITORS:Amania AndradeVictoriaaEwa.ls,Sarah Pessoan
Ryan Weiner Managing Photo Editor
ASSOCIATE PHOTO EDITORS: Jason Cooper
ASSISTANT PHOTO EDITORS:
Doug Wernert Magazine Editor
JONATHAN "I'M NOT A
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