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www.'meatsp in.cP OR
jaherrnan@urnich.edu
"WOULD YOU RATHER H-
TICE? A DREAM OR SOME
A N ECKLACE, OR FRE EDO
SITCH ES
JAVE A LEXUS OR JUS-
SUBSANCE? A BEAMER,
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55
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' ' NOTES
Fanatical fucking fans
Facebook phenoms
After beginning to sweep the nation last
winter, Facebook dorks have begun to infil-
trate athletics. Those looking to establish
themselves as "cool" and "popular" have
jumped to college athletes in an attempt
to bolster their pitifully low self-esteem.
Befriending athletes has become an all-
too-common and creepy occurrence at the
University.
"I guess I'm being like every other per-
son and writing on your wall, but honestly,
you are awesome!" Britnie Ryan of Lock
Haven wrote on the wall of Michael Phelps.
"I wish I could swim like that, I have my
first meet this weekend down at Clarion,
and I busted my ankle about 2 weeks ago,
so I'll suck but oh well. I've been working
on it, maybe I could actually swim like
you! Hope all is well!"
Perpetrators of the male species are
easy to spot. At Touchdown's Cafe, they're
usually the ones picking up the leftover
jersey-chasers that Jason Dest and other
athletes don't want.
Unfortunately, athletes just don't care
enough to put these pathetic people in their
place and leave the dorks without friends.
"I just confirm the friend invite without
paying attention," swimmer and Olympic
gold-medalist Peter Vanderkaay said. "I
don't fill out how they know me. I just skip
that step."
But what can be done to curb the prob-
lem if athletes won't take action? Well,
nothing. Endless taunts and insults seem
to be the only way to stop these leeches
of society.
Yet not all is lost with these Facebook-
philes. Some use athletes' boards to criti-
cize them for a poor play (That takes balls,
kiddies).
"Way to throw a lateral you idiot, every-
one else on your team understands to do
that why the Hell can't u do that at the end
of the game?" Paul Bartosz wrote on the
wall of Michigan tight end Tyler Ecker.
We thought they were "friends."
News flash: Ragers are
a big bunch of boners
Despite the fact that Michigan
shot 34 free throw attempts com-
pared to Michigan State's 10 on
Wednesday night, the members of
the Maize Rage continued to com-
plain whenever the Wolverines were
hit with fouls.
"Who the fuck cares?" an uniden-
tified "Rager" exclaimed on numer-
ous occasions throughout the contest,
suggesting the officials should sim-
ply look the other way instead of
whistling Michigan players for
palming or three-second violations.
"Those are weak calls."
Apparently, this individual never
learned that three-in-the-key and
palming are prohibited in basket-
ball, just like going out of bounds or
traveling.
The Maize Rage is made up of
dozens of members who care way
too much about Michigan athletics.
"That was one of the best experi-
ences of my life," Sam Deutsch said
of the game.
Deutsch (probably pronounced
DOO-sh) is from Armonk, N.Y., and
obviously has not experienced very
much in his life. David Axelrod, also
a tool, was equally excited in his over-
reaction to a sporting event.
"I'm dying to get a hold (sic) of a
recording of last nights (sic) extra-
wordinary (sic) life changing (sic) win
over MSU," he said. "if (sic) you and
anyone you know recorded the game
PLEASE LET ME KNOW because
i (sic) want to watch it over and over
again (seriously)."
Translated, that means Axelrod
doesn't want a tape if you recorded the
game. He doesn't even want a tape if
somebody you know recorded the game.
He only wants a tape if you and some-
body you know recorded the game.
Football team
equals talent
CHRIs WBBg/Daly
This is what happened Wednesday night - figuratively - for those of you who missed the game.
p1vv men s oops ties
Brent Pentway can rap 'Cats durmie
like a mo' fo' can rap
Question: Who
has as much
talent as any-
one in the country?
Answer: The Michigan
football team. Well,
certainly more talent
than Ashlee Simpson. I
really hate her.
Speaking of Simp-
sons and Michigan
football, where was
Mister Simpson this
year? It's not as if the
Wolverines would
have done any worse
than 7-5 with him
spending a little more
time on the field.
True, he is from
Cincinnati (the nasty
'Nati if you will), but
what the fuck? We
know he's got enough
game to mack on a
chick with six hockey
players at the same
time, but he'd prob-
ably just say "D'oh."
Who else has a lot
of talent? Antonio
Bass. That guy has
completed 100 percent
of his passes - all to
Jason Avant. Speak-
ing of Bass, Michigan
football players have
tended to sport interest-
ing last names. Moos-
man, for example. Very
interesting.
But moving on, if
the football team had
to pick a theme song
for this year, I think
it would probably be
"Seventh Floor Crew."
Because all season
long, it was like a
seven-man train was
all up in them. And if
the Wolverines had to
pick a mascot, it would
be a kid with a stut-
tering problem, since
they couldn't finish
anything they started.
And if the team had to
pick a television sta-
tion, it would be ESPN-
Plus - wait, that's just
stupid. Enough with
the "if the team had to
pick" crap.
It's time to move on
to more important mat-
ters - yeah, let's talk
about Chad Henne.
I didn't care for his
straight-across bangs
(see bottom photo) at
the beginning of the
season, but when he's
got that helmet on
- well, let's just say
he resembles Will Fer-
rell. He'Os also kind of
a big deal.
So even though he
catches more shit than
a fly on a farm, Henne
has stats that stack up
against those of any
Michigan quarterback.
And speaking of quar-
terbacks, has anyone
else noticed the striking
resemblance between
eight-time Olympic
medalist Michael
Phelps and former
Michigan quarterback
John Navarre? Both
of them have this kind
of Bubba Gump thing
going on.
So enough about the
seven-win crew. We're
done as Daily sports
editors and that's what
really matters.
- This column was
written with rotating
sentences from Gabe
Edelson, Ian Herbert,
Megan Kolodgy,
Anne Uible and
Matt Venegoni. They
cannot be reached.
By Sue Guevara
Daily Sports Writer
Officer Kurt Kohtz braced himself as the
Michigan and Northwestern basketball teams
exited the court at halftime of yesterday's
matchup. It was his first time as a police escort
at a women's basketball game, and he wasn't
sure what to expect. The Wildcats had caught
up to the crowd's beloved Wolverines, and the
254 fans could get hostile at any moment.
But he didn't have time to worry about agi-
tated spectators - he had enough on his hands
with escorting the coaches, referees and players
from the floor into the locker room.
"That was per NCAA rules," Kohtz
explained.
Luckily, he was able to see the phenom-
enal halftime performance, which featured the
Blaze, a sporty dance group of 10- to 14-year-
olds. Their No.5 jerseys (Michaela Leary? Dion
Harris?) glistened under the lights of Crisler
Arena as they jazz-squared and pivot-turned to
Ciara's "1-2 Step" or something like that.
"I'm not sure who these kids are with,
but they're pretty good,' Kohtz said.
What followed was simultaneously the most
thrilling and heartbreaking 45 seconds of the
entire halftime. A young girl, who shall remain
nameless, attempted to win a dinner for a family
of four by making perimeter shots. Her efforts
were thwarted by her lack of arm strength, and
perhaps by her simple lack of will to compete.
Who knows?
Despite this lowlight, the band kept
the atmosphere light with its totally inap-
propriate but rousing rendition of Abba's
"Dancing Queen."
It was at this point that Kohtz could breathe
a sigh of relief. He had successfully controlled
Crisler's rowdy crowd, and the players stormed
back onto the court.
It should be noted that the Wolverines did
not miss a single layup during the warmup,
while the band accompanied their antics with
Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride."
But in the end, the halftime contributors'
efforts were all in vain - the Wolverines lost
to Northwestern, 77-57.
PHOTO COURTESY OF TAMI JACKSON
Boners on display: The Maize Rage gets it
on during a raucous game at Crisler Arena.
Officer Kohtz is nowhere to be seen.
Boxes and Wals
Tour Registration Now Open
Date/Time: Jan. 19th -- Jan. 27th, 2006
Monday - Friday: 7pm, 8pm, 9pm
Saturday: 1pm, 2pm, 3pm
Location: Video & Performance Studio (Inside Duderstadt Center) North
Campus
Go to www.umich.edu/~umboxes to register for a tour.
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