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January 13, 2005 - Image 13

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Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 2005-01-13

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0 4

12B - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, January 13, 2005

©
, Q C
, r

pointcounterpoint

POINT: EARLY DETECTION IS THE BEST WAY

COUNTERPOINT: THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE STICKING THAT IN MY ASS

x';> a By Predator
Daily Arts Writer
There is a deep
evil facing mid-
dle-aged inter-
galactic bounty
hunters, one that
bides in the in the dark recesses of
unexplored galaxies: colon cancer. I
kid you not assassins, demon-spawn
and space parasites.
But unlike the tentacled mon-
strosities that crawl into your escape
hatches, there is a simple and mostly
painless way to combat this silent
behemoth.
It's true: All intergalactic beings
50 years of age and old should start
getting yearly checks with their
space doctors.
Now, I know what you're think-
ing. You're thinking, "Predator,
colon checkups are uncomfortable.
They're borderline disgraceful, and
I think my doctor enjoys them a lit-
tle too much."

And
healthy
pathize

as a totally normal and
male bounty hunter, I sym-
with your concerns, but

"It's true: All
intergalactic beings
50 years of age
and older should
start getting yearly
checks with their
space-doctors."
- Predator
Daily Arts Writer
believe me when I say that an annual
dose of humility is not only good for
the soul, but will help us combat the
single greatest threat to space war-
fare since Will Rogers.

By Alien
Daily Arts Writer
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, I know the
risks of a diet
high in fatty
foods, human chest cavities and
chocolate. I also know there is no
way in hell that chunk of plastic is
getting anywhere near this alien's
ass.
Harp on all you want about early
detection and what not, but my
intergalactic colon is going unex-
plored, thanks.
I stay in shape, I chase after
bloodied, screaming humans, I do
my sit-ups and stretches in the heat-
ing vents of Mining Colony ZX35W,
and I always get some vegetables to
go along with the usual dinner of
torn open human lungs.
My family has no history of colon
problems. All 5,347 of my brothers
are in fine shape, colon cancer and
space marines be damned. Why go

through some unneeded medical
procedure when I feel fine? Our
president said that all these waste-
"I draw the line at
having a foreign
object wielded by
some foolish nurse
violating the tender
confines of my rear."
- Alien
Daily Arts Writer
ful medical procedures drive up the
cost of insurance. Or something
like that.
Most importantly, it's a complete
violation of my privacy. Dropping
trou has never given me pause; I

even comply when asked for a urine
sample (though my acidic discharge
ususally melts the cup and spills on
to the floor).
I draw the line at having a foreign
object wielded by some foolish nurse
violating the tender confines of my
rear. That's an exit hole only, buddy.
All of this nonsense is just good
ol' Predator paranoia. Stop asking
about our bottoms, and start help-
ing us eat humans.
You claim this rectal invasion is a
preventative measure and expect us
to simply spread our nether cheeks
every year.
What are we trying to prevent, our
asses from ever enjoying a moment
of peace again?
Listen Predator, it's totally your
business if you want some stranger
shoving a metal rod into your lower
intestine. Different strokes for dif-
ferent xenomorphic space mon-
sters.
I know you like all that rough
stuff anyway.

WEEKEND WANTS YOU TO WRITE.
E-MAIL WEEKEND2K5@UMIcH.
EOU AND PICK UP A STORY TODAY.
AND DON'T MIND ALIEN AND
PREDATOR. THEY WON'T HURT YOU.

FOR MICHIGAN THEATER USHERS
COME TO A SPECIAL ORIENTATION
MONDAY, JANUARY 17
5:30 PM MICHIGAN THEATER
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[USHERS NEEDED FOR THIS SEASON'S SHOWS:1

BRIGHT EYES
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MOE.
KELLER WILLIAMS
DAVID SEDARIS
ELVIS COSTELLO

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FOR MORE INFORMATION, SEND EMAIL TO VOLUNTEERS@MICHTHEATER.ORG
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