0 4 12B - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, January 13, 2005 © , Q C , r pointcounterpoint POINT: EARLY DETECTION IS THE BEST WAY COUNTERPOINT: THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE STICKING THAT IN MY ASS x';> a By Predator Daily Arts Writer There is a deep evil facing mid- dle-aged inter- galactic bounty hunters, one that bides in the in the dark recesses of unexplored galaxies: colon cancer. I kid you not assassins, demon-spawn and space parasites. But unlike the tentacled mon- strosities that crawl into your escape hatches, there is a simple and mostly painless way to combat this silent behemoth. It's true: All intergalactic beings 50 years of age and old should start getting yearly checks with their space doctors. Now, I know what you're think- ing. You're thinking, "Predator, colon checkups are uncomfortable. They're borderline disgraceful, and I think my doctor enjoys them a lit- tle too much." And healthy pathize as a totally normal and male bounty hunter, I sym- with your concerns, but "It's true: All intergalactic beings 50 years of age and older should start getting yearly checks with their space-doctors." - Predator Daily Arts Writer believe me when I say that an annual dose of humility is not only good for the soul, but will help us combat the single greatest threat to space war- fare since Will Rogers. By Alien Daily Arts Writer Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the risks of a diet high in fatty foods, human chest cavities and chocolate. I also know there is no way in hell that chunk of plastic is getting anywhere near this alien's ass. Harp on all you want about early detection and what not, but my intergalactic colon is going unex- plored, thanks. I stay in shape, I chase after bloodied, screaming humans, I do my sit-ups and stretches in the heat- ing vents of Mining Colony ZX35W, and I always get some vegetables to go along with the usual dinner of torn open human lungs. My family has no history of colon problems. All 5,347 of my brothers are in fine shape, colon cancer and space marines be damned. Why go through some unneeded medical procedure when I feel fine? Our president said that all these waste- "I draw the line at having a foreign object wielded by some foolish nurse violating the tender confines of my rear." - Alien Daily Arts Writer ful medical procedures drive up the cost of insurance. Or something like that. Most importantly, it's a complete violation of my privacy. Dropping trou has never given me pause; I even comply when asked for a urine sample (though my acidic discharge ususally melts the cup and spills on to the floor). I draw the line at having a foreign object wielded by some foolish nurse violating the tender confines of my rear. That's an exit hole only, buddy. All of this nonsense is just good ol' Predator paranoia. Stop asking about our bottoms, and start help- ing us eat humans. You claim this rectal invasion is a preventative measure and expect us to simply spread our nether cheeks every year. What are we trying to prevent, our asses from ever enjoying a moment of peace again? Listen Predator, it's totally your business if you want some stranger shoving a metal rod into your lower intestine. Different strokes for dif- ferent xenomorphic space mon- sters. I know you like all that rough stuff anyway. WEEKEND WANTS YOU TO WRITE. E-MAIL WEEKEND2K5@UMIcH. EOU AND PICK UP A STORY TODAY. AND DON'T MIND ALIEN AND PREDATOR. THEY WON'T HURT YOU. FOR MICHIGAN THEATER USHERS COME TO A SPECIAL ORIENTATION MONDAY, JANUARY 17 5:30 PM MICHIGAN THEATER 603 E. LIBERTY, ANN ARBOR [USHERS NEEDED FOR THIS SEASON'S SHOWS:1 BRIGHT EYES KEANE MOE. KELLER WILLIAMS DAVID SEDARIS ELVIS COSTELLO JAN. 18 FEB. 16 FEB. 18 FEB. 23 APR. 14 APR. 19 FOR MORE INFORMATION, SEND EMAIL TO VOLUNTEERS@MICHTHEATER.ORG $8.50 GENERAL ADMISSION e $6.75 STUDENTS, SENIORS & VETERANS " $5.50 MICHIGAN THEATER MEMBERS :LICHIGAN FOR MORE INFORMATION, CALL (734)668-TIME OR VISIT US ON THE WEB WWW.MICHTHEATER.ORG 603E.LIBERTYST.*** DOWNTOWN ANN ARBOR " *" s s s ". ae