The Michigan Daily - The Day of REckonNING -11
Coaching fraternity hosts inaugural meeting
By Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno
Daily Sports Hulks
First-year Michigan women's basket-
ball coach Cheryl Burnett laid her
head in a punch bowl, full of beer
spiked with GHB, and smiled. She had
just swallowed five live goldfish and
taken 10 licks from Michigan women's
crew coach Mark Rothstein's infamous
But none of that mattered anymore.
She was finally a member of the Michi-
gan coaching fraternity, and man, did it
"The announcers on TV always talk
about the coaching fraternity, but this is
really what it's all about," Burnett said,
as she lifted her head from the punch
bowl and beer dripped off her newly-
dyed, shit-brown locks.
After the sudden exit of Sigma Chi
from campus, the Michigan coaching
fraternity, which had never before
had a house to call its own, took
"The first party was totally tubular,"
said Engineering freshman Rajib Patel.
"I walked in the front door, and Lloyd
Carr was doing a keg-stand! The count
went all the way to 1997, and then after
that, he couldn't do it anymore. But
1997 was still sweet!"
Scenes from the inaugural meeting of
the 'M' coaching fraternity will never
be forgotten by freshmen all over cam-
"There was this really old guy with
orange hair, I think his name was Red,"
said LSA freshman Who Cares. "We
were chillin' on the balcony smoking a
J, and he walked out, whipped out his
dong and started peeing off the balcony
onto the lawn. I was looking at him,
and he was like, 'What the fuck are you
looking at, BOY?'
"It was awesome."
Young Ashley Peuterschmidt, who
lives in South Quad, didn't think that
hockey coach Red Berenson's exploits
were so "awesome," though.
"His piss got all up in my hair!"
Peuter ... ohh fuck it said. "After I saw
how old he was, it was OK, I guess. It
was kind of cute to see a senile old man
peeing off a balcony. That's college,
though, I guess."
The basement at the Sigma Chi
house, where some of the University's
top fraternity macking stories have
taken place, was where Michigan bas-
ketball coach Tommy Amaker spent
most of his evening.
"He was hovering around the dance
floor, just surveying the field most of
the night," said LSA freshman Jenny
Johnson. "Finally, he got up the
courage to talk to me, and he came up
to me and started freaking me from
behind. I pushed him away.
"I don't freak with guys who wear
polo shirts and pants up to their nip-
ples. I'm sorry - He should put a suit
on next time, and maybe he'd have a
Amaker was seen soon after, running
after Johnson, yelling, "I'm trying to
improve my offensive game!" at the top
of his lungs.
Maybe Tommy will have better luck
at the next party, which is scheduled for
some time in mid-February. The Michi-
gan coaching fraternity started strong,
but expect even better next time
"We're really not about wins and
losses," Michigan men's tennis coach
Mark Mees said. "We're just trying to
improve from match to match ... I
mean party to party."
"Forget improvement," Carr said.
"This first one was TREMENDOUS."
Weber takes over W bball, brings back Mott
Ann Arbor News Michigan
Hockey writer 'Dantoine Fitts'
replaced with robot drone
The Ann Arbor news announced today that longtime Michi-
gan hockey writer and former Michigan Daily MSE Dantoine
Fitts. will be replaced with a robot. The robot will be named
IluvRED. After years of meaningless, repetitive coverage, the
News finally realized that Pitts was worried more about eating,
calling penalties and getting the same seat in the press confer-
ence rather than writing.
Berenson agreed with the News' decision.
"I like the decision," Berenson said. "Toine' was really get-
ting on my last nerve. There's only so many times I can answer
the same question, and I'm getting sick of it.
"Plus he was really whiny, and I think he was worried more
about eating the free food, than actually covering the team."
IluvRED, who does not eat as it is mechanically impossible,
will be able to transfer stories without using an external inter-
"I'm really happy about that," SID Andrew Lad said. "Toine'
got really bitchy every time he needed a connection."
Maize Rage baffled; basketball
team runs an offensive play
Students stood in awe the other night as the Michigan men's
basketball team successfully attempted, and executed, an offen-
sive play for the first time all season.
"I don't really know what happened," Super-Daily-Drouput I
Peter Lund said. "I mean one-minute, they were running
around like chickens with their heads cut off, and the next
minute, they actually ran a play. And it worked!"
The fans weren't the only ones who were baffled. Amadou
Ba, who co-starred with Kevin Bacon in "The Air Up There",
didn't approve of the play.
"Here at Michigan, we don't do things like that," Ba said.
"Maybe in the movies, but definitely not here."
Amaker actually shed a tear after the play.
"We've been working on it for so long, and I didn't think it
was ever going to happen while I was here," he said. "But I'd
like to credit our passion, patience, perserverance, um ... pride,
and ... preparation, and did I say passion?"
Amaker announces retirement of
all Michigan basketball numbers
As part of the continued effort to restore Michigan's basket-
ball tradition, Tommy Amaker (T.A.) has decided to retire
every single number other than zero.
The jerseys will stretch all the way around Crisler Arena.
They will include tributes to superstars such as No. 10 Herb
Gibson and No. - urn, well who the hell cares - Mike Got-
"The real challenge was finding players for every number,"
T.A. said. "I mean when the hell did Mike Gotfredson play ...
Wait, what? I started him? Shut the fuck up."
Upon learning of his No. 22 jersey being retired, Jason
Bossard, who was the worst player on the Fab Five teams, was
"I think I scored a basket once," Bossard, known by his
teammates as Crappy McCrapperson said. "I don't know what
kind of operation they're running there, but I think Amaker's
lost his mind - I sucked."
All current players are being forced to change their numbers
to double zero.
"I wanted them to realize that, as individuals, THEY ARE
NOTHING!!!!!!" T.A. said.
New University study shows no
one gives a fuck about small sports
In light of the study, this paper won't write anything here.
That's the fuckin' point of the study.
In a shocking move to the wrestling community, Bill Martin
has forced the Michigan wrestling team to give up its locker-
room to the Michigan dance team. The wrestlers, who give up
their shitty high school lockerroom to opposing basketball and
gymnastic teams, will be moved to the boilerroom of the visit-
ing football lockerroom.
"Really it came down to what team gave us more moxy and
spunk," Martin said via satellite from down the road. "There
was also the issue of 'What have you done for us lately?'
National championships are nice, but did the wrestling perform
in sexy uniforms at the most recent home basketball game? No,
they didn't, because we took their lockerroom."
Woman mugged outside of
Brazilian cafe; Markus Curry
seen leaving scene of crime
Weber at his press conference on former assistant Ron Mott:
"We're bringing the crazy bastard back."
Pull over, that ass is too fat!!! B(ball) Cup
Fuck all y'all hoes.
3. Q Ke BField hockey girls pose for
spring break ad for extra dough
ita.t.irr Men's Tennis Hockey
#3 #3 WEINER/Daily
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