The Michigan Daily - The Day of REckonNING -11 Coaching fraternity hosts inaugural meeting By Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno Daily Sports Hulks First-year Michigan women's basket- ball coach Cheryl Burnett laid her head in a punch bowl, full of beer spiked with GHB, and smiled. She had just swallowed five live goldfish and taken 10 licks from Michigan women's crew coach Mark Rothstein's infamous paddle. But none of that mattered anymore. She was finally a member of the Michi- gan coaching fraternity, and man, did it taste sweet. "The announcers on TV always talk about the coaching fraternity, but this is really what it's all about," Burnett said, as she lifted her head from the punch bowl and beer dripped off her newly- dyed, shit-brown locks. After the sudden exit of Sigma Chi from campus, the Michigan coaching fraternity, which had never before had a house to call its own, took over. "The first party was totally tubular," said Engineering freshman Rajib Patel. "I walked in the front door, and Lloyd Carr was doing a keg-stand! The count went all the way to 1997, and then after that, he couldn't do it anymore. But 1997 was still sweet!" Scenes from the inaugural meeting of the 'M' coaching fraternity will never be forgotten by freshmen all over cam- pus. "There was this really old guy with orange hair, I think his name was Red," said LSA freshman Who Cares. "We were chillin' on the balcony smoking a J, and he walked out, whipped out his dong and started peeing off the balcony onto the lawn. I was looking at him, and he was like, 'What the fuck are you looking at, BOY?' "It was awesome." Young Ashley Peuterschmidt, who lives in South Quad, didn't think that hockey coach Red Berenson's exploits were so "awesome," though. "His piss got all up in my hair!" Peuter ... ohh fuck it said. "After I saw how old he was, it was OK, I guess. It was kind of cute to see a senile old man peeing off a balcony. That's college, though, I guess." The basement at the Sigma Chi house, where some of the University's top fraternity macking stories have taken place, was where Michigan bas- ketball coach Tommy Amaker spent most of his evening. "He was hovering around the dance floor, just surveying the field most of the night," said LSA freshman Jenny Johnson. "Finally, he got up the courage to talk to me, and he came up to me and started freaking me from behind. I pushed him away. "I don't freak with guys who wear polo shirts and pants up to their nip- ples. I'm sorry - He should put a suit on next time, and maybe he'd have a chance." Amaker was seen soon after, running after Johnson, yelling, "I'm trying to improve my offensive game!" at the top of his lungs. Maybe Tommy will have better luck at the next party, which is scheduled for some time in mid-February. The Michi- gan coaching fraternity started strong, but expect even better next time around. "We're really not about wins and losses," Michigan men's tennis coach Mark Mees said. "We're just trying to improve from match to match ... I mean party to party." "Forget improvement," Carr said. "This first one was TREMENDOUS." Weber takes over W bball, brings back Mott QM' NOTES Ann Arbor News Michigan Hockey writer 'Dantoine Fitts' replaced with robot drone The Ann Arbor news announced today that longtime Michi- gan hockey writer and former Michigan Daily MSE Dantoine Fitts. will be replaced with a robot. The robot will be named IluvRED. After years of meaningless, repetitive coverage, the News finally realized that Pitts was worried more about eating, calling penalties and getting the same seat in the press confer- ence rather than writing. Berenson agreed with the News' decision. "I like the decision," Berenson said. "Toine' was really get- ting on my last nerve. There's only so many times I can answer the same question, and I'm getting sick of it. "Plus he was really whiny, and I think he was worried more about eating the free food, than actually covering the team." IluvRED, who does not eat as it is mechanically impossible, will be able to transfer stories without using an external inter- net port. "I'm really happy about that," SID Andrew Lad said. "Toine' got really bitchy every time he needed a connection." Maize Rage baffled; basketball team runs an offensive play Students stood in awe the other night as the Michigan men's basketball team successfully attempted, and executed, an offen- sive play for the first time all season. "I don't really know what happened," Super-Daily-Drouput I Peter Lund said. "I mean one-minute, they were running around like chickens with their heads cut off, and the next minute, they actually ran a play. And it worked!" The fans weren't the only ones who were baffled. Amadou Ba, who co-starred with Kevin Bacon in "The Air Up There", didn't approve of the play. "Here at Michigan, we don't do things like that," Ba said. "Maybe in the movies, but definitely not here." Amaker actually shed a tear after the play. "We've been working on it for so long, and I didn't think it was ever going to happen while I was here," he said. "But I'd like to credit our passion, patience, perserverance, um ... pride, and ... preparation, and did I say passion?" Amaker announces retirement of all Michigan basketball numbers As part of the continued effort to restore Michigan's basket- ball tradition, Tommy Amaker (T.A.) has decided to retire every single number other than zero. The jerseys will stretch all the way around Crisler Arena. They will include tributes to superstars such as No. 10 Herb Gibson and No. - urn, well who the hell cares - Mike Got- fredson. "The real challenge was finding players for every number," T.A. said. "I mean when the hell did Mike Gotfredson play ... Wait, what? I started him? Shut the fuck up." Upon learning of his No. 22 jersey being retired, Jason Bossard, who was the worst player on the Fab Five teams, was stunned. "I think I scored a basket once," Bossard, known by his teammates as Crappy McCrapperson said. "I don't know what kind of operation they're running there, but I think Amaker's lost his mind - I sucked." All current players are being forced to change their numbers to double zero. "I wanted them to realize that, as individuals, THEY ARE NOTHING!!!!!!" T.A. said. New University study shows no one gives a fuck about small sports In light of the study, this paper won't write anything here. That's the fuckin' point of the study. In a shocking move to the wrestling community, Bill Martin has forced the Michigan wrestling team to give up its locker- room to the Michigan dance team. The wrestlers, who give up their shitty high school lockerroom to opposing basketball and gymnastic teams, will be moved to the boilerroom of the visit- ing football lockerroom. "Really it came down to what team gave us more moxy and spunk," Martin said via satellite from down the road. "There was also the issue of 'What have you done for us lately?' National championships are nice, but did the wrestling perform in sexy uniforms at the most recent home basketball game? No, they didn't, because we took their lockerroom." Woman mugged outside of Brazilian cafe; Markus Curry seen leaving scene of crime LEEANN BYES/Daily Weber at his press conference on former assistant Ron Mott: "We're bringing the crazy bastard back." Pull over, that ass is too fat!!! B(ball) Cup JOIN DAILY SPORTS. YEAH BITCHES Fuck all y'all hoes. fill! 3. Q Ke BField hockey girls pose for spring break ad for extra dough 0 r Z l UICMIGA UPCOMING EVENTS r- Women's Gymnastics #17 ita.t.irr Men's Tennis Hockey #3 #3 WEINER/Daily sse by urn ymterday a last -nut _ ions fore today ing. - I 11 i