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January 30, 2004 - Image 10

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 2004-01-30

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.



The DAY
OF RECKONING ....
tommywearasuit.com
fuckthechop@daily.com

rl

To Mike from 511Linden, don't woy about the $80, we
3 1got it out of your mom the other nightI uck you!!

a

Coming Monday
Softball team orgy
tape surfaces; Bat
and balls go in
places they shouldn't
Fubu takes over for
Nike; all 'M' athletes
will wear No. 05
next season
Crisler to be renamed
Eddie L. Martin court
Carr tracks down
ABC's Todd Harris,
kills wife and kids
Izzo fired by Michigan
State after crying reveals
his identity as a woman
Mel Pearson fed up with
Red's lifespan, takes hot
dauters elsewhere
Rumor Central
Over the years we accumulate much
information that cannot be reported
because of a lack of sources or facts
that contain something other than the
truth. Here's the best of what we have
come up with:
- Kelly Baraka was kicked off the
Michigan football team, not because
he smoked pot, but because of a sec-
ond-hand high he received in a locked
room with other football players, who
locked him in.
- According to inside sources,
Michigan women's basketball center
Jennifer Smith, Avery Queen and
Bernard Robinson participated in a
threesome ... just for the hell of it.
- Chris Webber admitted to killing
Ed Martin with the same Ford Explor-
er that Martin purchased for him eight
years ago.
- Andy Burnes has taken up a new
hobby photographing lesbian acts at
Rick's. Most recently, two drunk girls
he photographed kissing.
- The hockey team has made the
Frozen Four and has been eliminated
in the semifinals ... just saving ticket-
holders time.
- Alan Webb, a former Michi ...
you know what, look it up yourself
asshole, has discovered there is no
future in track and field. He's begging
to come back to Michigan.
- The basketball program has a
bet. The first guy who sleeps with an
athletic department employee gets
$5000 from the new Eddie L.
Top-1 O DAILY
SPORTS DROPOUTS
YOU ACOULNT CUT MT DITC

Making it four years at the Daily is
a strugle. These pople didn't
have watit takes to eat hot dogs
and write stories at the same time.
Fuck y'all.

Michigan inks 'Superslut' to four-year deal

By Raphael Schwartz
You're ...FIRED!
After a year-long battle with Florida
State, UCLA, LSU, Texas and Colorado,
Team Blew and the Michigan Athletic
Department scored the top-ranked jersey
chaser recruit in the country, Valerie
Dumie, better known as "SuperSlut," or for
you pharmacy students, "Valtrex."
"This is big, not only for our athletes,
but for the whole University of Michigan,"
Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin
said with a boner. "Aside from the Daily's
business staff, this school is in need of
some fine ass.
"Our athletes are not fucking nearly
enough, and frankly, they're concerned."
"Nobody got me up for a big game like
SuperSlut," said Dirk Digler, the star quar-
terback at SuperSlut's high school, Cock
High. "When she came into the lockerroom
before the state championship game with
the catholic school girl outfit on and pig-
tails, I nearly gooed myself."
Jersey chaser analyst Frances Clark says
SuperSlut is the perfect girl for the job.
"She walks in the lockerroom and gets
down to business," Clark said. "It's not
every day a jersey chaser comes along that
can make a guy explode in under five sec-
onds. We clocked her at the high-school
all-star game.
"She's the total package. 36-24-36.
Unbelievable for an 18-year-old."
SuperSlut has been honing her skills
with current Michigan athletes Chris Perry
and Bernard Robinson.

"I've had better," Robinson said. "But
her enthusiasm was unparalleled.
"Is that a word?"
"She was the BOMB baby," Perry said.
"I loved it when she started chanting,
'PERRY! PERRY!
"I couldn't believe she got the chant out
with my special sauce flowing into her
mouth."
Digler, who had SuperSlut whenever he
wanted her, was always impressed with her
skills.
"Before each game, she'd walk in, and
she'd say, 'Blow, pussy, or ass,' " Digler
said. "I usually chose blow. In that state
championship game, I chose blow, and I've
never regretted my decision."
SuperSlut sat out senior year with her-
pes. It was a tough battle for her, but she's
gotten the disease totally cleared out of her
system, and she's ready to get started.
"I looked for a doctor to clear me for
action this year, and luckily, I found one.
Well, actually, I gave him head, and then he
cleared me," SuperSlut admitted. "I chose
Michigan because I could contribute right
away.
"I heard the girls in Ann Arbor are dogs."
Michigan coach Lloyd Carr agreed with
SuperSlut, saying that Michigan's lack of
hot girls kept the Wolverines from signing
some of the nation's top football recruits.
But that's a problem no more.
"Recruiting has never been easier," Carr
said. "SuperSlut gives us the advantage
we've been lacking for the past century.
"Her blow job was tremendously out-
standing."

GIRLS GONE WILD/Daily
Bo and Bill pose with the Wolverines' newest recruit, Valerie Dumle - a.k.a. SuperSlut. Both
University officials look forward to the "benefits" she will provide Michigan athletics In years to cum.

a

You got Punk'd biatch! Carr feels foolish
Edwards to 'U' and Carr: 'Fuck y'all, I gots to get paid fuckers!'

By Drew Henson
What? You were never a Yankee, so go fuck off.
Right before he took his program off MTV,
Ashton Kutcher had one more prank to pull ...
this time on Lloyd Carr.
So, as Carr prepared to go to Houston to
watch Tom Brady in the Super Bowl, Braylon
Edwards and Kutcher approached him in the
parking lot of Schembechler Hall.
"Basically, I told him to suck it, Kutcher
yelled 'You've been punk'd' and I proceeded to
give him the remix edition of my choice to go
pro," Edwards said. "I mean, it makes sense on
so many levels. A Michigan player gets
arraigned every offseason, and it was my turn
to get wasted and punch out a fan, wrestler or
window - whatever comes first. That, and I
saw Michael Jenkins was supposed to be a
first-rounder this year to either Carolina and
New England. Jenkins isn't good enough to
lick my nut sack.
"Shit, me and Brady? I'll win a Super Bowl
for the next four year§. Means more than some
dumb-ass glass trophy. Did you know you don't
get paid for winning a national title in college?
Jason White must be as dumb as he looks to
stay around for a sixth year. Enjoy all the
media hype while you're a Sooner, it'll earn
you and your shit knees nothing when you're a
bum in NFL Europe."
Carr did not respond to questions about
Edwards' departure, but did stare into the soul
of a reporter and proceeded kill him Scorpion-
from-Mortal-Kombat-style. The coach then
feasted on the flesh, muttering "Mmmmm ...
media," every two minutes.

... I love the pros. They just package it as my
persona and endorsements come knocking.
Damn, this is the best day of my life - right
behind when Kelly Bar ... nevermind."
Edwards then left the interview podium with
Demi Moore, who came out of the Michigan
football lockerroom boiler room twenty min-
utes later smoking a cigarette. Kutcher just
bounced around yelling, "I'm Ashton Kutcher,
I'm freakin' awesome."
What wasn't freakin' awesome were the fans
reactions.
"Edwards is a douchebag," said a pissed off
engineering junior. "And I should know
because I invented the word 'douchebag.'
HAHAHAHAHA."
Then the junior's two friends proceeded to
laugh like, "HAHAHAHAHA," in a mocking
fashion.
Apparently "douchbag" was invented a
long time ago, but no one had patented the
idea. After watching the Inventor-Tech hot-
line commercial, he patented the term. The
guy who missed out on inventing the roller
blades and the clapper killed himself immedi-
ately afterward.
Despite the ill-feelings, Edwards is leaving
the University on good terms, according to
him.
"I bought Jason (Avant) and Stevie (Breast-
on) new Caddies as going away gifts," Edwards
uttered and then winked. "I'm a good guy, in
fact I'm the greatest guy I've ever known. I do
it all for the kids."
Demi Moore is now pregnant.
"I gave her the real remix to Braylition ...
poppin fresh out the kitchen," Edwards said.

0

NICOLE STANTON/Daily
Braylon Edwards, in between two hoes, along
with Ashton Kutcher, drops a bombshell on coach
Lloyd Carr: "I'm getting paid blatch ... that's what
you get for sitting mel ASS!"
"Realistically, I had to leave," Edwards said.
"Right now if I was to punch a Michigan Daily
sports editor or pee on anyone R. Kelly-esque,
I'd probably go to jail or get kicked off the
team. But if I go pro, I can beat down fucking

a

reporters - you know what, you reporters
should try going through one of our practices
you'd die, and I mean that in the nicest way
- where was I? Beating down fucking
reporters and peeing on things whenever I want

Berenson kicks off year
with fake I.D. ceremony

.,

1. Peter Lund
. Lund gave up the Dailyto
become Superfan IV. So w at?
He sucked at lacrosse.

ByP.T.
Glad to be up north
Following a tradition started with Mike Cammalleri, the
Michigan hockey freshmen were presented with their fake I.D.s
in order to get into Rick's on Friday night.
Sophomore Al Montoya, who tanked three separate games
last season in order to get to the bars before the long lines, has
masqueraded as Nashir Nafalashon for the past year. As the 5-
foot-6, 260-pound Nafalashon, Montoya entered Rick's suc-
cessfully as a 42-year-old every week.
"It was probably the greatest thing I received last year, said
the CCHA Tournament MVP. "No other award came close. No
other achievement mattered in comparison to the action I got at
those bars. God bless this tradition."

Michigan coach Red Berenson called out the freshmen one-
by-one before the season opener to present them with their pre-
cious cards.
For Mike Brown, the identity of Sally Hopkins - a 54-year-old
retired teacher with blue eyes and no penis -was a disappointment
T.J. Hensick will be prowling the streets of Ann Arbor as
Mao Chang, a 7-foot, 174-pound center from the republic of
China, and Mike Mayhew shall be further known as Cletus
"Bubba" Shanker, the self-proclaimed mouth-of-the-south.
"The tradition is very important to retaining athletes for their
entire four-year career," said Berenson, as he a drained a 40 of
LaBatt. "Illegally going to the bars has been a staple of the
Michigan hockey program since I've been its captain. Now with
the fake I.D. program, we can feel a little better about cheating
the system."

3. Charles Paradis
" Gave up men's basketball coverage
for Rebecca Ramsey and Random
L ~JStudent Interviews, Sweet.

j1014

40

5. Jen Scheyer
"We're sorry J. Brady chased you
away, but, DAMN, he would've been a
lucky man ... nice melons.

Field hockey SID fired

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after inrnamP macfi t atinn

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