The DAY OF RECKONING .... tommywearasuit.com fuckthechop@daily.com rl To Mike from 511Linden, don't woy about the $80, we 3 1got it out of your mom the other nightI uck you!! a Coming Monday Softball team orgy tape surfaces; Bat and balls go in places they shouldn't Fubu takes over for Nike; all 'M' athletes will wear No. 05 next season Crisler to be renamed Eddie L. Martin court Carr tracks down ABC's Todd Harris, kills wife and kids Izzo fired by Michigan State after crying reveals his identity as a woman Mel Pearson fed up with Red's lifespan, takes hot dauters elsewhere Rumor Central Over the years we accumulate much information that cannot be reported because of a lack of sources or facts that contain something other than the truth. Here's the best of what we have come up with: - Kelly Baraka was kicked off the Michigan football team, not because he smoked pot, but because of a sec- ond-hand high he received in a locked room with other football players, who locked him in. - According to inside sources, Michigan women's basketball center Jennifer Smith, Avery Queen and Bernard Robinson participated in a threesome ... just for the hell of it. - Chris Webber admitted to killing Ed Martin with the same Ford Explor- er that Martin purchased for him eight years ago. - Andy Burnes has taken up a new hobby photographing lesbian acts at Rick's. Most recently, two drunk girls he photographed kissing. - The hockey team has made the Frozen Four and has been eliminated in the semifinals ... just saving ticket- holders time. - Alan Webb, a former Michi ... you know what, look it up yourself asshole, has discovered there is no future in track and field. He's begging to come back to Michigan. - The basketball program has a bet. The first guy who sleeps with an athletic department employee gets $5000 from the new Eddie L. Top-1 O DAILY SPORTS DROPOUTS YOU ACOULNT CUT MT DITC Making it four years at the Daily is a strugle. These pople didn't have watit takes to eat hot dogs and write stories at the same time. Fuck y'all. Michigan inks 'Superslut' to four-year deal By Raphael Schwartz You're ...FIRED! After a year-long battle with Florida State, UCLA, LSU, Texas and Colorado, Team Blew and the Michigan Athletic Department scored the top-ranked jersey chaser recruit in the country, Valerie Dumie, better known as "SuperSlut," or for you pharmacy students, "Valtrex." "This is big, not only for our athletes, but for the whole University of Michigan," Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin said with a boner. "Aside from the Daily's business staff, this school is in need of some fine ass. "Our athletes are not fucking nearly enough, and frankly, they're concerned." "Nobody got me up for a big game like SuperSlut," said Dirk Digler, the star quar- terback at SuperSlut's high school, Cock High. "When she came into the lockerroom before the state championship game with the catholic school girl outfit on and pig- tails, I nearly gooed myself." Jersey chaser analyst Frances Clark says SuperSlut is the perfect girl for the job. "She walks in the lockerroom and gets down to business," Clark said. "It's not every day a jersey chaser comes along that can make a guy explode in under five sec- onds. We clocked her at the high-school all-star game. "She's the total package. 36-24-36. Unbelievable for an 18-year-old." SuperSlut has been honing her skills with current Michigan athletes Chris Perry and Bernard Robinson. "I've had better," Robinson said. "But her enthusiasm was unparalleled. "Is that a word?" "She was the BOMB baby," Perry said. "I loved it when she started chanting, 'PERRY! PERRY! "I couldn't believe she got the chant out with my special sauce flowing into her mouth." Digler, who had SuperSlut whenever he wanted her, was always impressed with her skills. "Before each game, she'd walk in, and she'd say, 'Blow, pussy, or ass,' " Digler said. "I usually chose blow. In that state championship game, I chose blow, and I've never regretted my decision." SuperSlut sat out senior year with her- pes. It was a tough battle for her, but she's gotten the disease totally cleared out of her system, and she's ready to get started. "I looked for a doctor to clear me for action this year, and luckily, I found one. Well, actually, I gave him head, and then he cleared me," SuperSlut admitted. "I chose Michigan because I could contribute right away. "I heard the girls in Ann Arbor are dogs." Michigan coach Lloyd Carr agreed with SuperSlut, saying that Michigan's lack of hot girls kept the Wolverines from signing some of the nation's top football recruits. But that's a problem no more. "Recruiting has never been easier," Carr said. "SuperSlut gives us the advantage we've been lacking for the past century. "Her blow job was tremendously out- standing." GIRLS GONE WILD/Daily Bo and Bill pose with the Wolverines' newest recruit, Valerie Dumle - a.k.a. SuperSlut. Both University officials look forward to the "benefits" she will provide Michigan athletics In years to cum. a You got Punk'd biatch! Carr feels foolish Edwards to 'U' and Carr: 'Fuck y'all, I gots to get paid fuckers!' By Drew Henson What? You were never a Yankee, so go fuck off. Right before he took his program off MTV, Ashton Kutcher had one more prank to pull ... this time on Lloyd Carr. So, as Carr prepared to go to Houston to watch Tom Brady in the Super Bowl, Braylon Edwards and Kutcher approached him in the parking lot of Schembechler Hall. "Basically, I told him to suck it, Kutcher yelled 'You've been punk'd' and I proceeded to give him the remix edition of my choice to go pro," Edwards said. "I mean, it makes sense on so many levels. A Michigan player gets arraigned every offseason, and it was my turn to get wasted and punch out a fan, wrestler or window - whatever comes first. That, and I saw Michael Jenkins was supposed to be a first-rounder this year to either Carolina and New England. Jenkins isn't good enough to lick my nut sack. "Shit, me and Brady? I'll win a Super Bowl for the next four year§. Means more than some dumb-ass glass trophy. Did you know you don't get paid for winning a national title in college? Jason White must be as dumb as he looks to stay around for a sixth year. Enjoy all the media hype while you're a Sooner, it'll earn you and your shit knees nothing when you're a bum in NFL Europe." Carr did not respond to questions about Edwards' departure, but did stare into the soul of a reporter and proceeded kill him Scorpion- from-Mortal-Kombat-style. The coach then feasted on the flesh, muttering "Mmmmm ... media," every two minutes. ... I love the pros. They just package it as my persona and endorsements come knocking. Damn, this is the best day of my life - right behind when Kelly Bar ... nevermind." Edwards then left the interview podium with Demi Moore, who came out of the Michigan football lockerroom boiler room twenty min- utes later smoking a cigarette. Kutcher just bounced around yelling, "I'm Ashton Kutcher, I'm freakin' awesome." What wasn't freakin' awesome were the fans reactions. "Edwards is a douchebag," said a pissed off engineering junior. "And I should know because I invented the word 'douchebag.' HAHAHAHAHA." Then the junior's two friends proceeded to laugh like, "HAHAHAHAHA," in a mocking fashion. Apparently "douchbag" was invented a long time ago, but no one had patented the idea. After watching the Inventor-Tech hot- line commercial, he patented the term. The guy who missed out on inventing the roller blades and the clapper killed himself immedi- ately afterward. Despite the ill-feelings, Edwards is leaving the University on good terms, according to him. "I bought Jason (Avant) and Stevie (Breast- on) new Caddies as going away gifts," Edwards uttered and then winked. "I'm a good guy, in fact I'm the greatest guy I've ever known. I do it all for the kids." Demi Moore is now pregnant. "I gave her the real remix to Braylition ... poppin fresh out the kitchen," Edwards said. 0 NICOLE STANTON/Daily Braylon Edwards, in between two hoes, along with Ashton Kutcher, drops a bombshell on coach Lloyd Carr: "I'm getting paid blatch ... that's what you get for sitting mel ASS!" "Realistically, I had to leave," Edwards said. "Right now if I was to punch a Michigan Daily sports editor or pee on anyone R. Kelly-esque, I'd probably go to jail or get kicked off the team. But if I go pro, I can beat down fucking a reporters - you know what, you reporters should try going through one of our practices you'd die, and I mean that in the nicest way - where was I? Beating down fucking reporters and peeing on things whenever I want Berenson kicks off year with fake I.D. ceremony ., 1. Peter Lund . Lund gave up the Dailyto become Superfan IV. So w at? He sucked at lacrosse. ByP.T. Glad to be up north Following a tradition started with Mike Cammalleri, the Michigan hockey freshmen were presented with their fake I.D.s in order to get into Rick's on Friday night. Sophomore Al Montoya, who tanked three separate games last season in order to get to the bars before the long lines, has masqueraded as Nashir Nafalashon for the past year. As the 5- foot-6, 260-pound Nafalashon, Montoya entered Rick's suc- cessfully as a 42-year-old every week. "It was probably the greatest thing I received last year, said the CCHA Tournament MVP. "No other award came close. No other achievement mattered in comparison to the action I got at those bars. God bless this tradition." Michigan coach Red Berenson called out the freshmen one- by-one before the season opener to present them with their pre- cious cards. For Mike Brown, the identity of Sally Hopkins - a 54-year-old retired teacher with blue eyes and no penis -was a disappointment T.J. Hensick will be prowling the streets of Ann Arbor as Mao Chang, a 7-foot, 174-pound center from the republic of China, and Mike Mayhew shall be further known as Cletus "Bubba" Shanker, the self-proclaimed mouth-of-the-south. "The tradition is very important to retaining athletes for their entire four-year career," said Berenson, as he a drained a 40 of LaBatt. "Illegally going to the bars has been a staple of the Michigan hockey program since I've been its captain. Now with the fake I.D. program, we can feel a little better about cheating the system." 3. Charles Paradis " Gave up men's basketball coverage for Rebecca Ramsey and Random L ~JStudent Interviews, Sweet. j1014 40 5. Jen Scheyer "We're sorry J. Brady chased you away, but, DAMN, he would've been a lucky man ... nice melons. Field hockey SID fired y . after inrnamP macfi t atinn 4 ;..is, ,,..n V ~ttm ta . I i