V - ___
The Michigan Daily - Weekend $agaz
10B -The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazie - Thursday, December 4, 2003
ScoTT SERILLA - WHATEVER IT IS, rM AGAINST IT
Weekend Magazine's annual
HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITIGATION
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........ .
Go Hova, it's your birfday.
1. The Black Album, Jay-Z -
Let's just hope he doesn't make
a Black Album2.
2. The Singles'1992-2003,
No Doubt - It'd be called
Greatest Hits but that would imply
the music is in some way great.
3. In the Zone, Britney
Spears - And for the longest time
Ithought "The Zone" was a diet, but
now I see it is just a p lan for suck.
4. Metamorphosis, Hillary
Duff - Haha, her name is 'Duff.'
Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
Thanks, "Average Joe."
5. NOW hat's What I Call
Music, Various Artists - I won-
der if there will come a day when
Hillary and Britney are among the
6. Shock'n Y'allToby Keith
- Thanksgiving. Football. Cowboys.
Halftime. Toby Keith. Which of the
above won't be around in two years?
7. Closer, Josh Groban -
And people say mothers don't buy
. Begfor Mercy, G-Unit -
I'd like the Jay-Z Mercedes with
the G-Unit rims to go with it. Now
that's the ride.
9. Take a Look in the
Mirror, Korn - Since no list
would be complete without a Paris
Hilton reference and this CD
deserves no press, here it is, your
obligatory PH reference.
Love Below, OutKast - Wesley
Clark's running-mate for 2004 has
been narrowed down to three
options: Andre, Big Boi or Governor
Dick Kempthome of Idaho.
his document has been forwarded to you fiom the
legal offices of Hornbiower and Hornblower: sensi-
tive materials contained herein.
Dear Mr. Claus:
In regards to our looming court date, I would just like to
clarify a few tentative matters on behalf of my client, Mt.
Scott Serilla, to rectify any lingering confusion over our
impending civil suit against you, SANTA Inc., and all there-
in mentioned subsidiaries or associates.
We regret that it became necessary to obtain the federal
injunction shutting down your so-called worksho, and
freezing all your assets. We realize that the third quar er s a
crucial time of year for you and your employees, butwel -el
we were left with little recourse.
To refresh your memory (which your defense te LI
assures me is mostly operational), Mr. Serilla is suig for
damages and back gifts related to broken agreement a id
general incompetence displayed on your part between tnIe
holiday seasons of 1984 through 1996. Your shoddy wc rk
has obviously had a forceful impact on the scarred, tre-
bling pool of jelly that is my client's psyche. His ablity to
maintain a relationship has been crippled, he hardly ever
makes deadline at his job and he sobs uncontrollably when-
ever he hears "Good King Wenceslaus."
For example, in 1985, my client requested of you a
"Castle Grayskull" He-Man play-set with working draw-
bridge, detachable laser turrets and accompanying Battle Cat
figurine. In exchange for which he agreed to make his bed,
continue eating his mother's 'Santa Fe Surprise' casserole
and refrain from thinking suggestively of Punky Brewster
through the month of April of the following year.
We have, of course, plenty of corroborating evidence,
both in copies of correspondence sent from my client to your
offices at the North Pole and a taped oral agreement made
on Dec. 15th of '85 at the Eastland Mall in Harper Woods.
During the conversation, you express your willingness to
abide by the deal and deliver said Castle Grayskull 10 days
hence. Lucky someone had the foresight to wear a wiretap
under his snow pants.
Mr. Claus, I doubt that 1 need remind you that 10 days
after this conversation, my young client awoke at 6 a.m. to
find not a Castle Grayskull, or even the moral equivalent -
the lair of evil Skeletor, "Snake Mountain." What he found
was a stuffed hybrid of a lion and a bumblebee, apparently
called a Wuzzle. We're still not sure even what that was, but
it sounds simply terrible.
Certainly this was not the last time Mr. Serilla awoke to
disappointment on Dec. 25 due to your negligence and
belligerent indifference. In '87 there was no VHS of
"Harry and the Hendersons," and in '89, no Huffy moun-
tain bike. 1990 -- you failed to bring Bill Laimbeer and
Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson of the World Champion
Detroit Pistons to Mr. Serilla's home to serve him break-
fast in bed, then help him and his brother Paul beat the
DeWitt boys from up the block in their annual Christmas
Day Hoops classic.
And the list goes on.
Sound ridiculous, Mr. Claus? 1. A man of your age who
chooses to spends the majority of his time with elves and
reindeer - and a man who seems to find nothing wrong
with regularly bouncing the children of others on his lap -
is certainly in no placeto make value judgements on the fea-
sibility of the whims of young boys. 2. You were under no
automatic obligation to honor any of these wishes, yet, with-
out regard to plausibility, you had approved all of them.
Don't write checks your red-covered rump can't cash.
Larger still are the lingering questions of '92 when you,
allegedly in the depths of an egg-nog binge, sadly mistook
my client's home for that of a Senor Julio Cerrila of Mexico
City. When my client awoke, his shoes were filled with lime
candy and there was an orange in his sock. Mr. Claus, if you
think a naranja is an acceptable gift for my client, then you
are sadly mistaken.
We trust that justice will prevail and that we already have
more than enough evidence for the Courts to immediately
begin garnishing your wages to repay my client. But just in
case, we have managed to secure several key character wit-
nesses to testify as to your incompetency and blatant disre-
gard for the welfare of children around the world.
Yes, your estranged wife, Estella Claus, was more than
happy to come forward with several key documents, impli-
cating you in everything from taking pay-offs from certain
high-profile families in order tofx the naughty and nice list,
to your stint in Betty Ford for addiction to hallucinogenic
"sugarplums." With this near damning testimony, I hardly
see how the jury could rule in any other way, but our favor.
Furthermore, your outrageous implication that my client
may have lifted the idea for this column from either "Miracle
on 34th Streef" or an old "Calvin and Hobbes," is both coun-
terfactual and slanderous, and you can eat it.
Marshall Stack, Attorney at law
- Santa settled out of court and now Scott gets to see
"The Return of the King " a week before you do. E-mail
him to see ifhe needs a ride at email@example.com.
There's a crazy raver cat in the house!
Gross in millions of dollars
1. The Cat inthe Hat (24A) -
One fish, two fish, red fish ... shitty
movie. 'Nuf said
2. The Haunted Mansion
(24.2) - As low as he's gotten,
Eddie still would not trade places with
Dan Aykroyd right about now. Oh,
how the mighty fall hard.
3. Elf (2.6) - Need more
Ferrell, check out the clips on
4. Gothika (12.8) - This is what
happens when you give someone an
Oscar, they turn around and give
5. Bad Santa (12.2) - Honestly,
this is the funniest movie of the year.
That is if you like movies that are
6. Master and Commander:
The Far Side of the World (12.0)
- I just have one question, how do
you sneak up on a ship called the
TThe Missing (10.8) - I'll tell
you what is missing, good movies
with Tommy Lee Jones. Let's make
some more Men in Black" movies.
8. Timeline (8A4) - Rotten
Tomatoes gave this movie a 12% rat-
ing, that means only one out of every
eight minutes is good. Think about it,
what are you going to do for those
other seven minutes?
9. Love Actually (8.2) -
Second best Christmas movie out
right now, and the best isn't "Elf."
10. Brothe Bear (4.8) - Go
where the lights touch the Earth, in
other words a different movie.
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Who wouldn't want an iPod or a digital camera for the holidays?
Compiled by Daily Arts Writers
T ith the cold, crisp air of December descending, there is no
doubt the Holiday Season is here. We at Weekend know how
hard it is to find that great gift, so we've gone ahead and com-
list of sure fire, can't go wrong gifts ...
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NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT
HOT OR NOT?
DIDDY DOES L.A. AWARD SHOWS
- "Actor" Ashton Kutcher dis-
played the Sean John label on his
underwear as he thanked his sponsors
after accepting the award for Big
Stylin 2003 from entertainer P.
Diddy, during the taping of "VHl1
Big in 2003" awards ceremony that
aired Sunday, Nov. 30 as reported by
The Associated Press. The label
refers to Sean Combs' urban clothing
line. P. Diddy also received an hon-
orary award at theceremony before
presenting the style award to friend
The same night, P.Diddy attended
the Vibe Awards that aired on the 28th
on UPN. This awards show featured
mini fashion shows of designer labels,
including Diddy's own Sean John.
DEATH TO 'MURDER' - The
Associated Press reported that the
company behind the multiplatinum
rapper Ja Rule and singer Ashanti
announced yesterday it had changed
its name to The Inc., moving away
from its previous incarnation as
Therlabel's name, according to
founder Irv Gotti, came to him as he
watched a television documentary on
the original crew of mob hit men. He
liked the title's double-meaning,
referring to both the mob and making
hits for the radio. Gotti billed Murder
Inc. as "the world's most dangerous
record company" when it was found-
ed in 1997.
Similarly, Suge Knight changed
the name of Death Row Records to
Tha Row in 2001. Ja would just need
to dangle a lame white rapper over a
balcony to seal the deal. We have
Teamed up with the recently launched iTunes
online store, named invention of the year by Time
Magazine, the iPod is the hottest item on the block.
For those who already own an iPod, Apple has
released several accessories, including speakers and a
wireless remote control, the perfect gift for those
already in the know.
Canon PowerShot A300
This reasonably priced 3.2 megapixel digital camera
by Canon offers a lot of bang for your buck. With a
built-in-flash and a handful of features, the A300 can
be used in many different environments. While the
camera comes with a 16MB CompactFlash Card,
enthusiasts should invest in either a 32MB or 64MB
card to allow for more pictures.
"Positions of the Day" by NERVe com
Fans of the irreverent '
"Bad Santa" should check
out David Sedaris's "Holi-
days on Ice." A master of
nonfiction humor writing, Sedaris
unleashed the mother of all Christmas col-
lections in 1998. The book includes hilarious, yet
unusually heartwarming family stories.
"The College Cookbook" by Geri Harrington
Available at any major bookstore
"The College Cookbook" is com-
posed of recipes from college stu-
dents around the country.
Harrington prefaces the col-
lection with useful facts
about cheap meals
and nutritional values.
"Holidays on Ice" by David
d ~ ,
one of Ann Arbor's finest restaurants. Main Stre
Ventures offers gift certificates that can be used
Gratzi, Palio, The Real Seafood Company, Ch(
House. Be sure to give enough to c6ver entree
drinks and dessert. Call 888-456-3463 for gift ce
Perfect for a housewarming gift, a fondue set
fun for anyone that wants to take a new spin on fi
ger foods. Versatile and small, it's great fun for tho
that miss the days when playing with our food was
little more acceptable.
TV Box Sets
This holiday season promises a wide selection of T
series on DVD for the strong, independent woma
"Alias,' "Sex & the City" and "Friends," all have ne
box sets available. Take some time over break to cat(
up on those episodes you may have missed.
Urban Outfitters Dinner Gift Certificate
Start the day off right with this calendar of sexual Various prices
positions. With 384 poses, there's more than one per Main Street Ventures
day Need we say more? Givesomeone a greatmealat
Magnetic Poetry Pick-up Lines
While the Shakespearean edition may spark a fe
laughs now and again, the thrill of Magnetic Poet
is better left to the true jokester's mind. The late
version, Pick-up Lines, offers just the right balanc
between college bar-scene humor and good, clea
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