v 0 V - ___ The Michigan Daily - Weekend $agaz 10B -The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazie - Thursday, December 4, 2003 ME WEEKENDENTERTAINMENT ScoTT SERILLA - WHATEVER IT IS, rM AGAINST IT ME Weekend Magazine's annual Holiday gift guide HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITIGATION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ........ . Go Hova, it's your birfday. Bi LLBO TOP 10 1. The Black Album, Jay-Z - Let's just hope he doesn't make a Black Album2. 2. The Singles'1992-2003, No Doubt - It'd be called Greatest Hits but that would imply the music is in some way great. 3. In the Zone, Britney Spears - And for the longest time Ithought "The Zone" was a diet, but now I see it is just a p lan for suck. 4. Metamorphosis, Hillary Duff - Haha, her name is 'Duff.' Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Thanks, "Average Joe." 5. NOW hat's What I Call Music, Various Artists - I won- der if there will come a day when Hillary and Britney are among the "various artists." 6. Shock'n Y'allToby Keith - Thanksgiving. Football. Cowboys. Halftime. Toby Keith. Which of the above won't be around in two years? 7. Closer, Josh Groban - And people say mothers don't buy CDs anymore. . Begfor Mercy, G-Unit - I'd like the Jay-Z Mercedes with the G-Unit rims to go with it. Now that's the ride. 9. Take a Look in the Mirror, Korn - Since no list would be complete without a Paris Hilton reference and this CD deserves no press, here it is, your obligatory PH reference. 10. SpeakerboxxxlThe Love Below, OutKast - Wesley Clark's running-mate for 2004 has been narrowed down to three options: Andre, Big Boi or Governor Dick Kempthome of Idaho. his document has been forwarded to you fiom the legal offices of Hornbiower and Hornblower: sensi- tive materials contained herein. Dear Mr. Claus: In regards to our looming court date, I would just like to clarify a few tentative matters on behalf of my client, Mt. Scott Serilla, to rectify any lingering confusion over our impending civil suit against you, SANTA Inc., and all there- in mentioned subsidiaries or associates. We regret that it became necessary to obtain the federal injunction shutting down your so-called worksho, and freezing all your assets. We realize that the third quar er s a crucial time of year for you and your employees, butwel -el we were left with little recourse. To refresh your memory (which your defense te LI assures me is mostly operational), Mr. Serilla is suig for damages and back gifts related to broken agreement a id general incompetence displayed on your part between tnIe holiday seasons of 1984 through 1996. Your shoddy wc rk has obviously had a forceful impact on the scarred, tre- bling pool of jelly that is my client's psyche. His ablity to maintain a relationship has been crippled, he hardly ever makes deadline at his job and he sobs uncontrollably when- ever he hears "Good King Wenceslaus." For example, in 1985, my client requested of you a "Castle Grayskull" He-Man play-set with working draw- bridge, detachable laser turrets and accompanying Battle Cat figurine. In exchange for which he agreed to make his bed, continue eating his mother's 'Santa Fe Surprise' casserole and refrain from thinking suggestively of Punky Brewster through the month of April of the following year. We have, of course, plenty of corroborating evidence, both in copies of correspondence sent from my client to your offices at the North Pole and a taped oral agreement made on Dec. 15th of '85 at the Eastland Mall in Harper Woods. During the conversation, you express your willingness to abide by the deal and deliver said Castle Grayskull 10 days hence. Lucky someone had the foresight to wear a wiretap under his snow pants. Mr. Claus, I doubt that 1 need remind you that 10 days after this conversation, my young client awoke at 6 a.m. to find not a Castle Grayskull, or even the moral equivalent - the lair of evil Skeletor, "Snake Mountain." What he found was a stuffed hybrid of a lion and a bumblebee, apparently called a Wuzzle. We're still not sure even what that was, but it sounds simply terrible. Certainly this was not the last time Mr. Serilla awoke to disappointment on Dec. 25 due to your negligence and belligerent indifference. In '87 there was no VHS of "Harry and the Hendersons," and in '89, no Huffy moun- tain bike. 1990 -- you failed to bring Bill Laimbeer and Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson of the World Champion Detroit Pistons to Mr. Serilla's home to serve him break- fast in bed, then help him and his brother Paul beat the DeWitt boys from up the block in their annual Christmas Day Hoops classic. And the list goes on. Sound ridiculous, Mr. Claus? 1. A man of your age who chooses to spends the majority of his time with elves and reindeer - and a man who seems to find nothing wrong with regularly bouncing the children of others on his lap - is certainly in no placeto make value judgements on the fea- sibility of the whims of young boys. 2. You were under no automatic obligation to honor any of these wishes, yet, with- out regard to plausibility, you had approved all of them. Don't write checks your red-covered rump can't cash. Larger still are the lingering questions of '92 when you, allegedly in the depths of an egg-nog binge, sadly mistook my client's home for that of a Senor Julio Cerrila of Mexico City. When my client awoke, his shoes were filled with lime candy and there was an orange in his sock. Mr. Claus, if you think a naranja is an acceptable gift for my client, then you are sadly mistaken. We trust that justice will prevail and that we already have more than enough evidence for the Courts to immediately begin garnishing your wages to repay my client. But just in case, we have managed to secure several key character wit- nesses to testify as to your incompetency and blatant disre- gard for the welfare of children around the world. Yes, your estranged wife, Estella Claus, was more than happy to come forward with several key documents, impli- cating you in everything from taking pay-offs from certain high-profile families in order tofx the naughty and nice list, to your stint in Betty Ford for addiction to hallucinogenic "sugarplums." With this near damning testimony, I hardly see how the jury could rule in any other way, but our favor. Furthermore, your outrageous implication that my client may have lifted the idea for this column from either "Miracle on 34th Streef" or an old "Calvin and Hobbes," is both coun- terfactual and slanderous, and you can eat it. Yours' Marshall Stack, Attorney at law - Santa settled out of court and now Scott gets to see "The Return of the King " a week before you do. E-mail him to see ifhe needs a ride at sserilla@umich.edu. Courtesy ofUniversal There's a crazy raver cat in the house! WIEEKEN D BOX OFFICE Gross in millions of dollars 1. The Cat inthe Hat (24A) - One fish, two fish, red fish ... shitty movie. 'Nuf said 2. The Haunted Mansion (24.2) - As low as he's gotten, Eddie still would not trade places with Dan Aykroyd right about now. Oh, how the mighty fall hard. 3. Elf (2.6) - Need more Ferrell, check out the clips on wwwanchorman-themovie.com. 4. Gothika (12.8) - This is what happens when you give someone an Oscar, they turn around and give you "Gothika." 5. Bad Santa (12.2) - Honestly, this is the funniest movie of the year. That is if you like movies that are funny. 6. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (12.0) - I just have one question, how do you sneak up on a ship called the TThe Missing (10.8) - I'll tell you what is missing, good movies with Tommy Lee Jones. Let's make some more Men in Black" movies. 8. Timeline (8A4) - Rotten Tomatoes gave this movie a 12% rat- ing, that means only one out of every eight minutes is good. Think about it, what are you going to do for those other seven minutes? 9. Love Actually (8.2) - Second best Christmas movie out right now, and the best isn't "Elf." 10. Brothe Bear (4.8) - Go where the lights touch the Earth, in other words a different movie. ;Z2, . "'' ' .. . .. . BRETT MOUNTAIN/Daily Who wouldn't want an iPod or a digital camera for the holidays? Compiled by Daily Arts Writers piled a T ith the cold, crisp air of December descending, there is no doubt the Holiday Season is here. We at Weekend know how hard it is to find that great gift, so we've gone ahead and com- list of sure fire, can't go wrong gifts ... . ...................... ...... .............. I . ..... ....... ... . ................ .............. NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT HOT OR NOT? DIDDY DOES L.A. AWARD SHOWS - "Actor" Ashton Kutcher dis- played the Sean John label on his underwear as he thanked his sponsors after accepting the award for Big Stylin 2003 from entertainer P. Diddy, during the taping of "VHl1 Big in 2003" awards ceremony that aired Sunday, Nov. 30 as reported by The Associated Press. The label refers to Sean Combs' urban clothing line. P. Diddy also received an hon- orary award at theceremony before presenting the style award to friend Kutcher. The same night, P.Diddy attended the Vibe Awards that aired on the 28th on UPN. This awards show featured mini fashion shows of designer labels, including Diddy's own Sean John. DEATH TO 'MURDER' - The Associated Press reported that the company behind the multiplatinum rapper Ja Rule and singer Ashanti announced yesterday it had changed its name to The Inc., moving away from its previous incarnation as Murder Inc. Therlabel's name, according to founder Irv Gotti, came to him as he watched a television documentary on the original crew of mob hit men. He liked the title's double-meaning, referring to both the mob and making hits for the radio. Gotti billed Murder Inc. as "the world's most dangerous record company" when it was found- ed in 1997. Similarly, Suge Knight changed the name of Death Row Records to Tha Row in 2001. Ja would just need to dangle a lame white rapper over a balcony to seal the deal. We have some suggestions. iPod $299 Apple store Teamed up with the recently launched iTunes online store, named invention of the year by Time Magazine, the iPod is the hottest item on the block. For those who already own an iPod, Apple has released several accessories, including speakers and a wireless remote control, the perfect gift for those already in the know. Canon PowerShot A300 $200 Circuit City This reasonably priced 3.2 megapixel digital camera by Canon offers a lot of bang for your buck. With a built-in-flash and a handful of features, the A300 can be used in many different environments. While the camera comes with a 16MB CompactFlash Card, enthusiasts should invest in either a 32MB or 64MB card to allow for more pictures. "Positions of the Day" by NERVe com Fans of the irreverent ' "Bad Santa" should check out David Sedaris's "Holi- days on Ice." A master of nonfiction humor writing, Sedaris unleashed the mother of all Christmas col- lections in 1998. The book includes hilarious, yet unusually heartwarming family stories. "The College Cookbook" by Geri Harrington Available at any major bookstore $13 "The College Cookbook" is com- posed of recipes from college stu- dents around the country. Harrington prefaces the col- lection with useful facts about cheap meals and nutritional values. "Holidays on Ice" by David Sedais Borders $9 4C3.' d ~ , one of Ann Arbor's finest restaurants. Main Stre Ventures offers gift certificates that can be used Gratzi, Palio, The Real Seafood Company, Ch( House. Be sure to give enough to c6ver entree drinks and dessert. Call 888-456-3463 for gift ce tificates. Fondue Set $28 Urban Outfitters Perfect for a housewarming gift, a fondue set fun for anyone that wants to take a new spin on fi ger foods. Versatile and small, it's great fun for tho that miss the days when playing with our food was little more acceptable. TV Box Sets $50-$70 Best Buy This holiday season promises a wide selection of T series on DVD for the strong, independent woma "Alias,' "Sex & the City" and "Friends," all have ne box sets available. Take some time over break to cat( up on those episodes you may have missed. i _I $10 Urban Outfitters Dinner Gift Certificate Start the day off right with this calendar of sexual Various prices positions. With 384 poses, there's more than one per Main Street Ventures day Need we say more? Givesomeone a greatmealat ,. , a g Magnetic Poetry Pick-up Lines $10 Borders While the Shakespearean edition may spark a fe laughs now and again, the thrill of Magnetic Poet is better left to the true jokester's mind. The late version, Pick-up Lines, offers just the right balanc between college bar-scene humor and good, clea madlib-esque'fn.' II I 1 I . i. S ..