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ELITE ENTERTAINMENT EXPOSITI
HYPOCRISY'S TOP FIVE
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ANDY TAYLOR-FABE - THE EUPHIo QUESTION
CHOOSING CLASSES IN THE
AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT
Everyone's, or at least my,
favorite part of politics is the
hypocrisy. Oh, the silly
things one will say and do to push
an agenda. Those disgusting little
instances of the pot calling the ket-
tle black have far too often been
accepted as legitimate activity, and
many Americans buy into it.
Therefore, I feel it necessary to
compile a list of organizations,
national and local, that epitomize
sleaziness, hypocrisy and all
around dumbassness.
The Anti-Defamation League
Or "How I Learned to Stop
Worrying and Love the Christian
Right." In reaction to growing crit-
icism of the Israeli occupation, the
ADL has decided to buddy up with
the evangelical right because peo-
ple like Pat Robertson and Jerry
Falwell support Israel. They don't
support Israel for any great love of
the Jews; it's 1) out of their support
for an imperialistic foreign policy,
and 2) because the Jews returning
to the region fulfills a Christian
prophecy about Judgment Day.
Abraham Foxman, national direc-
tor of the ADL, states that current
"realities should make American
Jews highly appreciative of the
incredible support that the State of
Israel gets from a significant group
of Americans - the Evangelical
Christian Right." The same group
of people that put up billboards
about how the Jews need to convert
is now Abe's best friend. The ADL's
official slogan is "Fighting Anti-
Semitism, Bigotry and Extremism
Since 1913." Apparently after 89
years, the ADL doesn't really care
anymore.
Students Allied for Freedom and
Equality
The brainchild of LSA senior
Fadi Kiblawi dedicates itself to
fighting racism (mainly Israel).
The fallacy that combating certain
types of racism is anti-racism is
proven by the fact that many mem-
bers of SAFE are openly racist.
One member posted links to a
white supremacist website on a
University-related Internet mes-
sage board in order to "prove her
point." Another decorated his dorm
room door with caricatures of Jews
with big noses. Another, in
response to a book that denied the
existence of the Holocaust, once
said in complete seriousness,
"other than that, it's a pretty good
book."
The United States of America
President George W. Bush has
outlined a simple policy that tells
us who against we must wage war.
The criteria are: any country that
possesses and has used weapons of
mass destruction, any country that
aids and abets terrorist organiza-
tions both foreign and domestic
and any country that has invaded
defenseless nations. Therefore, the
United States of America has no
choice but to launch a pre-emptive
strike against the United States of
America, and anyone who dis-
agrees is, well, un-American.
National Rifle Association
Every single member of the
NRA probably has at least two
American flags for each gun, so it's
pretty easy to assert that those that
love their guns love their country.
They love their country so much
that they support the political force
that wants to protect us from ter-
rorism so badly that they are will-
ing to throw away our constitution-
al freedoms, except of course, for
the only liberty that may actually
cause terrorism, which is the right
for anyone to buy as many uzis,
bazookas and nuclear warheads as
one possibly desires. Furthermore,
if Saddam Hussein actually does
have a weapons stockpile, wouldn't
the NRA defend his rights?
Michigan House Co-Op
Inside this house (it is sometimes
referred to as Michigan Socialist
House), one will find a sign saying
"Co-ops Cure Poverty" and surely
a few bumper stickers like "I'd
rather be smashing imperialism"
on bedroom doors. And sprinkled
throughout the house are the
whitest kids on the block smoking
reefer and pounding brews in a rev-
olutionary act against capitalist
society.
It's not exactly hypocrisy, but
there's a certain something about a
house full of kids that think that by
sharing tofu and rice and drinking
microbrews they're going to allevi-
ate the world of socio-economic
inequality. But if they're right, then
cheers! And pass the tofu.
It seems that these organizations
spend more time thinking about all
the things that they hate and not
enough time on how they should
behave themselves. Next time
SAFE wants call something or
someone racist, they should all
look within themselves and come
to terms with their own prejudices.
The ADL should have more com-
mon sense than to throw away their
values and make friends with anti-
Semitic, racist demagogues in
blind defense of the Israeli poli-
cies.
But people get so caught up in
their emotions that they don't even
realize that they are making com-
plete fools of themselves. And
sometimes, the public doesn't
know all the facts and doesn't
know how hypocritically some of
these very influential groups are
behaving.
If more people called out these
groups for being so publicly igno-
rant, maybe they would act a little
better. That's probably expecting
too much.
- Ari Paul can be reached at
aspaul@umich.edu.
Wow, he's dangerous and sensitive.
BLLLBOARD
TOP 10
1. 8 Mile, Soundtrack -
You'd better never let this play on
your CD player.
2. Justified, Justin Timberlake
- The pop singer has no appreci-
ation for wordplay; Justinfied
would have been awesome.
3. The Best of 1990-2000 &
B-Sides, U2 - We would think
of something clever for this, but
Zooropa and Pop sucked so bad
that we're still speechless.
4. Strippe, Christina Aguilera
- You are not talented or hot.
5. Shaman, Santana - Hear
his credibility disappearing with
every ripping guitar solo.
6. Cry, Faith Hill - We're crying
ourselves to sleep because of this list.
7. The Eminem Show,
Eminem - Watch. This will be
on VH l's so-called "Ultimate
Album" show in like a month.
8. Still Ghetto, Jaheim -
Still crying.
9. Live at Folsom Field Boulder,
Colorado, Dave Matthews Band -
Well, your last few albums were
sub-par, so why not do a live album?
Hey, why not take a cue from Pearl
Jam and do 200 of them. We're kid-
ding, Dave. Seriously. Don't.
10. Nirvana, Nirvana - I've
got a new complaint. This sucks.
Today is a special day. No, not because its
voltaire's birthday, because 'm sure that's wa
you thought I was going to say The joyous day to
whicha referring is the beginning of registration for
Winter 2003 classes. Butnow that I think about it, what
better to guide us through the trials and tribulations of
Wolverine Access, the course guide and the first few
weeks of classes themselves than the wit of the satiri-
cal French philosopher. And while these clever apho-
risms may not guarantee you the perfect schedule and
eternal educational bliss, they may help you to keep your
head on straight in the topsy-turvy world of registration.
"hence is a word void of seme;hong can eivt
withouti cae.
One of the first things to remember when choosing
classes iswthat you can't be afraid to be shallow, because
things in the course guide exist fora reason. Sure, looks
can be deceiving; you can't judge a book by its cover -
blah, blah, blah; but when it comes to the course guide,
use the professors' pictures wisely. It's simple: If a pro-
fessor looks mean in the picture, don't convince yourself
that it is just ndooi chance; he is probably mean. After
all, he chose the damn picture.
And if she has very tightly clenched lips and has a mouth
that, to paraphrase Roald Dahl, looks like a dog's butt, take
it as an warning of future treachery and misery. Remember
elementary school? You could always tell who the mean
teacher was right away. Why should it be any different now?
Trust your gut; as Voltaire said, "The safest course is to do
nothing against ones conscience."
"The best way to become boring is to leave
nothing out."
Analyze the class description in the course guide careful-
ly If it seems particularly wordy and tedious, it right, just
might, be a preview of what is to come. If there are 12 para-
graphs about some excruciatingly boring subject, take that
as a big, red warning light. And watch carefully for what
isn't written as well. Just because the description doesn't
specifically mention a huge term paper, that doesn't mean it
doesn't exist. Voltaire was all over that: "You see many stars
at night in the sky but find them not when the sun rises; can
you say that there are no stars in the heaven ofday?"
"Everything's fine today, that is our illusion,"
Pay very close attention to the second day of lecture.
Forget the first lecture, when the professor spends an hour
reading the syllabus and discussing the direction of the
class. The second day is the real test. If you are not absolute-
ly enthralled on this day, get out. Run. The professor is
brighighis A-game that day, ad ifyou don't likethe class
or the pronfnow, yo're going toiiate them latr.
You'tegoingtoslowlybe tsetteassand be
disg the very sight othehe person who is responsible
for your torment. You can begin to hte someone who is
actuallya very nice person but who just lappens to real-
ly suck at lectures, and why waste your contempt on pro-
fessors when there are so many scorn-worthy people out
there in the world, e.g. the French. I'm kidding of course.
No, I'm not.
"it is difficult to free tools from the chains they
revere."
If you find yourself in the above predicament with an
uninspirng professor, don't be afraid to get the hell out
of there. Too many people see choosing classes like mar-
riage. No, bad example, OK, I've got it --like buying a
new car: You're in it for the long haul. The safety and
comfort of having your classes chosen and your schedule
set is a dangerous position to be in. So get some back-
bone, find that other class.that you would rather be in
and leave the crappy class behind. As the Volt-man said,
"Man is free at the moment he wishes to be ... as long as
the drop/add deadline hasn't passed."
"Anyting too stupid to he said is sung."
"Sung" is French for "said in discussion section,"
right? The point is, don't drop a class if you hit the
house numbers in the GSI roulette game. You may have
to suffer through a few painful hours of a worthless
section, but ifWthe lecture itself is good, tough it out.
"As l nga* peopke betreve in abstudtks they W Ul
continue to commit mrocides"
The specific absurdity and atrocity to which I am refer-
ring (and I'm sure Voltaire was too) are, respectively, the
absurd and erroneous belief that just because a professor
tells you to read something; you actually have to do every
bit of it and the foolhardy atrocity of simultaneously tack-
ling al assigned reading for all of your classes, rendering
you a joyless, free-timeless drone. I'm not saying that you
shouldn't do any of it. You're here to learn, and you are pay-
ing for it. But you have to find your equilibrium,ifor like the
V4Dogg explained, "Neither abstinence nor excess ever
renders man happy"
Oh, and to any of my current or future professors who
happen to read this, I can only offer one last bit of Voltaire's
wisdom: "Love trth, andpardon eror soplease don't hold
any of this againstAndy when you give out grades."
-Andy Taylor-Fabe can be reached at
andtaylumich.edu.
The top 10 voices of current hit-hop
ii
Semester fJFVorld Peace at
Maharishi University of Management
.du/ e800369 6480
VOICES
Continued from Page 3B
trust into expressive freedom that he uses to escort his
listeners though various subjects. The voyage is made
possible by Jay's inviting tone.
4 Guru Guru has a husky, relaxed tone of voice
* that lends his music an effortless sound. From
storytelling to battling, Guru's subdued nature gives
his flow a supercilious sense. This, in turn, only
enhances the respect one has to have for an emcee as
talented as Guru. No emcee sounds more comfortable
on the mic, and no emcee could ever want to have his
style compared with the relaxed Guru's. Simply and
literally, the man makes it sound easy.
3 Baatin Mainstream hip-hop heads mightnot
* know Baatin, but the Slum Village emcee has a
quiet, scratchy voice that translates to a smooth flow.
Providing a distinct contrast to the more energetic
sound of fellow S.Ver T3 or the commanding delivery
of departed SV member and super producer Jay Dee,
Baatin is an understated contributor to any record, and
whether he be repping Conant Gardens or wondering
how many hits it takes "a record to blow," his deft
rhyming skills and voice can mesmerize audiences.
2 Ghostface Killah Even if there were no Wu,
everyone would know Ghost. His voice can
sound abrasive, measured, sympathetic, loud. Yet this
diversity is a perfect complement to his creative and,
frankly, deranged personality. The man's three LP's
have made fans both amazed and scared, yet he is one-
of-a-kind in his delivery and his voice has a great exu-
berance. Coupled with varied subjects and tones, Tony
Starks' unique yet versatile sound ensures that music
fans know who is flowing.
Chali 2na The best voice in hip-hop is the deep,
* melodic baritone possessed by the Jurassic 5
emcee. 2na's sound is distinctive, and his delivery is
always anchored by the bass in his voice. When har-
monizing with his compatriots - a J5 staple - the
deep sound really stands out. 2na is also able to inject
his rhymes with a playfulness that often manifests
itself in his vocal modulations. On stage, working in
concert with 2na's innate sense of performance, these
variations endear the emcee to the often adoring and
captivated crowd. Another effect deftly cultivated and
exploited by Chali is his astounding ability to rapidly
spit while maintaining a consistent volume and tone.
Sometimes never stopping for air, Chali pleases fans
even further, mesmerizing those hearing a big man
with a booming voice spit rhymes quickly. Chali 2na's
voice is an unforgettable, unmistakable sound that
suits his music and distinguishes him from his peers.
................ . .. - ,:,., 4:,. " " ll- I I - - .......... ..... ..
:': . . I .... ... .... .... .. . ...
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WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT
JAMES COBURN DEAD AT 74 -
The legendary actor died of a heart
attack on Monday. Coburn had
his first hit in Hollywood in
1960 with his role as Britt
in "The Magnificent
Seven," the popular
Western version of
Kurosawa's "The Seven
Samurai."
In 1963, he played
Sedgwick the Aussie
Manufacturer in the
World War II prison-
camp comedy "The
Great Escape."
Coburn made a
splash in the mid-
'60s with his char-
acter Derek Flint in
the Bond-like spy
spoof series, which Coburn in 1966.
included "Our Man Flint" (1966)
and "In Like Flint" (1967) and is
considered to be one of
the major influences
for Mike Myers'
"Austin Powers"
series.
His major credits
in the 1970s includ-
ed the Spaghetti
Western classic
; "Duck, You
Sucker" and
S a m
Peckinpah's
"Pat Garrett
and Billy the
Kid," which
featured Bob
Dylan in one
Courtesy of Warner Bros. of his few
acting roles.
Coburn's career was spotty in the
'80s due to a debilitating case of
arthritis, but he was able to continue
taking roles occasionally as he bat-
tled the disease. He also appeared in
"Maverick" (1994), "Eraser" (1996),
"The Nutty Professor" (1996) and
"Payback" (1999).
In 1997, he won an Academy
Award for his role as Glen
Whitehouse in the drama
"Affliction." He also provided the
voice for Henry J. Waternoose III
in the animated Pixar film
"Monsters, Inc."
His most recent credits are the
"The Man from Elysian Fields"
(2002), which stars Andy Garcia,
and "American Gun" (2002).
Coburn is survived by his wife, two
children, Lisa and James, and two
grand-children.
THE O.J. ALL STARS
OF THE WEEK
RICK JAMES, PAUL REUBENS
AND JEFFREY JONES
So many sex offenders, so little time.
The ex-"King of Funk" was recently
accused of sexually assaulting a 26-year-
old woman. Jones, best known for his
role as Ed Rooney in "Ferris Bueller's
Day Off," was arrested for having sex
with a minor and possession of child
pornography. Reubens was arrested for
possession of child pornography as well.
courtesy o interscope
Chall 2na: This dog's got chops!