4 T- 4B - The Michigan Daiy- Weekend -z~e- Thursday, November 21, 2002 6 _0 pw I The Michigan Daily - Weked Igziue -Th AmIPAUL-IFOUGHTTHE LAW 3 E ELITE ENTERTAINMENT EXPOSITI HYPOCRISY'S TOP FIVE I ANDY TAYLOR-FABE - THE EUPHIo QUESTION CHOOSING CLASSES IN THE AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT Everyone's, or at least my, favorite part of politics is the hypocrisy. Oh, the silly things one will say and do to push an agenda. Those disgusting little instances of the pot calling the ket- tle black have far too often been accepted as legitimate activity, and many Americans buy into it. Therefore, I feel it necessary to compile a list of organizations, national and local, that epitomize sleaziness, hypocrisy and all around dumbassness. The Anti-Defamation League Or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Christian Right." In reaction to growing crit- icism of the Israeli occupation, the ADL has decided to buddy up with the evangelical right because peo- ple like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell support Israel. They don't support Israel for any great love of the Jews; it's 1) out of their support for an imperialistic foreign policy, and 2) because the Jews returning to the region fulfills a Christian prophecy about Judgment Day. Abraham Foxman, national direc- tor of the ADL, states that current "realities should make American Jews highly appreciative of the incredible support that the State of Israel gets from a significant group of Americans - the Evangelical Christian Right." The same group of people that put up billboards about how the Jews need to convert is now Abe's best friend. The ADL's official slogan is "Fighting Anti- Semitism, Bigotry and Extremism Since 1913." Apparently after 89 years, the ADL doesn't really care anymore. Students Allied for Freedom and Equality The brainchild of LSA senior Fadi Kiblawi dedicates itself to fighting racism (mainly Israel). The fallacy that combating certain types of racism is anti-racism is proven by the fact that many mem- bers of SAFE are openly racist. One member posted links to a white supremacist website on a University-related Internet mes- sage board in order to "prove her point." Another decorated his dorm room door with caricatures of Jews with big noses. Another, in response to a book that denied the existence of the Holocaust, once said in complete seriousness, "other than that, it's a pretty good book." The United States of America President George W. Bush has outlined a simple policy that tells us who against we must wage war. The criteria are: any country that possesses and has used weapons of mass destruction, any country that aids and abets terrorist organiza- tions both foreign and domestic and any country that has invaded defenseless nations. Therefore, the United States of America has no choice but to launch a pre-emptive strike against the United States of America, and anyone who dis- agrees is, well, un-American. National Rifle Association Every single member of the NRA probably has at least two American flags for each gun, so it's pretty easy to assert that those that love their guns love their country. They love their country so much that they support the political force that wants to protect us from ter- rorism so badly that they are will- ing to throw away our constitution- al freedoms, except of course, for the only liberty that may actually cause terrorism, which is the right for anyone to buy as many uzis, bazookas and nuclear warheads as one possibly desires. Furthermore, if Saddam Hussein actually does have a weapons stockpile, wouldn't the NRA defend his rights? Michigan House Co-Op Inside this house (it is sometimes referred to as Michigan Socialist House), one will find a sign saying "Co-ops Cure Poverty" and surely a few bumper stickers like "I'd rather be smashing imperialism" on bedroom doors. And sprinkled throughout the house are the whitest kids on the block smoking reefer and pounding brews in a rev- olutionary act against capitalist society. It's not exactly hypocrisy, but there's a certain something about a house full of kids that think that by sharing tofu and rice and drinking microbrews they're going to allevi- ate the world of socio-economic inequality. But if they're right, then cheers! And pass the tofu. It seems that these organizations spend more time thinking about all the things that they hate and not enough time on how they should behave themselves. Next time SAFE wants call something or someone racist, they should all look within themselves and come to terms with their own prejudices. The ADL should have more com- mon sense than to throw away their values and make friends with anti- Semitic, racist demagogues in blind defense of the Israeli poli- cies. But people get so caught up in their emotions that they don't even realize that they are making com- plete fools of themselves. And sometimes, the public doesn't know all the facts and doesn't know how hypocritically some of these very influential groups are behaving. If more people called out these groups for being so publicly igno- rant, maybe they would act a little better. That's probably expecting too much. - Ari Paul can be reached at aspaul@umich.edu. Wow, he's dangerous and sensitive. BLLLBOARD TOP 10 1. 8 Mile, Soundtrack - You'd better never let this play on your CD player. 2. Justified, Justin Timberlake - The pop singer has no appreci- ation for wordplay; Justinfied would have been awesome. 3. The Best of 1990-2000 & B-Sides, U2 - We would think of something clever for this, but Zooropa and Pop sucked so bad that we're still speechless. 4. Strippe, Christina Aguilera - You are not talented or hot. 5. Shaman, Santana - Hear his credibility disappearing with every ripping guitar solo. 6. Cry, Faith Hill - We're crying ourselves to sleep because of this list. 7. The Eminem Show, Eminem - Watch. This will be on VH l's so-called "Ultimate Album" show in like a month. 8. Still Ghetto, Jaheim - Still crying. 9. Live at Folsom Field Boulder, Colorado, Dave Matthews Band - Well, your last few albums were sub-par, so why not do a live album? Hey, why not take a cue from Pearl Jam and do 200 of them. We're kid- ding, Dave. Seriously. Don't. 10. Nirvana, Nirvana - I've got a new complaint. This sucks. Today is a special day. No, not because its voltaire's birthday, because 'm sure that's wa you thought I was going to say The joyous day to whicha referring is the beginning of registration for Winter 2003 classes. Butnow that I think about it, what better to guide us through the trials and tribulations of Wolverine Access, the course guide and the first few weeks of classes themselves than the wit of the satiri- cal French philosopher. And while these clever apho- risms may not guarantee you the perfect schedule and eternal educational bliss, they may help you to keep your head on straight in the topsy-turvy world of registration. "hence is a word void of seme;hong can eivt withouti cae. One of the first things to remember when choosing classes iswthat you can't be afraid to be shallow, because things in the course guide exist fora reason. Sure, looks can be deceiving; you can't judge a book by its cover - blah, blah, blah; but when it comes to the course guide, use the professors' pictures wisely. It's simple: If a pro- fessor looks mean in the picture, don't convince yourself that it is just ndooi chance; he is probably mean. After all, he chose the damn picture. And if she has very tightly clenched lips and has a mouth that, to paraphrase Roald Dahl, looks like a dog's butt, take it as an warning of future treachery and misery. Remember elementary school? You could always tell who the mean teacher was right away. Why should it be any different now? Trust your gut; as Voltaire said, "The safest course is to do nothing against ones conscience." "The best way to become boring is to leave nothing out." Analyze the class description in the course guide careful- ly If it seems particularly wordy and tedious, it right, just might, be a preview of what is to come. If there are 12 para- graphs about some excruciatingly boring subject, take that as a big, red warning light. And watch carefully for what isn't written as well. Just because the description doesn't specifically mention a huge term paper, that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Voltaire was all over that: "You see many stars at night in the sky but find them not when the sun rises; can you say that there are no stars in the heaven ofday?" "Everything's fine today, that is our illusion," Pay very close attention to the second day of lecture. Forget the first lecture, when the professor spends an hour reading the syllabus and discussing the direction of the class. The second day is the real test. If you are not absolute- ly enthralled on this day, get out. Run. The professor is brighighis A-game that day, ad ifyou don't likethe class or the pronfnow, yo're going toiiate them latr. You'tegoingtoslowlybe tsetteassand be disg the very sight othehe person who is responsible for your torment. You can begin to hte someone who is actuallya very nice person but who just lappens to real- ly suck at lectures, and why waste your contempt on pro- fessors when there are so many scorn-worthy people out there in the world, e.g. the French. I'm kidding of course. No, I'm not. "it is difficult to free tools from the chains they revere." If you find yourself in the above predicament with an uninspirng professor, don't be afraid to get the hell out of there. Too many people see choosing classes like mar- riage. No, bad example, OK, I've got it --like buying a new car: You're in it for the long haul. The safety and comfort of having your classes chosen and your schedule set is a dangerous position to be in. So get some back- bone, find that other class.that you would rather be in and leave the crappy class behind. As the Volt-man said, "Man is free at the moment he wishes to be ... as long as the drop/add deadline hasn't passed." "Anyting too stupid to he said is sung." "Sung" is French for "said in discussion section," right? The point is, don't drop a class if you hit the house numbers in the GSI roulette game. You may have to suffer through a few painful hours of a worthless section, but ifWthe lecture itself is good, tough it out. "As l nga* peopke betreve in abstudtks they W Ul continue to commit mrocides" The specific absurdity and atrocity to which I am refer- ring (and I'm sure Voltaire was too) are, respectively, the absurd and erroneous belief that just because a professor tells you to read something; you actually have to do every bit of it and the foolhardy atrocity of simultaneously tack- ling al assigned reading for all of your classes, rendering you a joyless, free-timeless drone. I'm not saying that you shouldn't do any of it. You're here to learn, and you are pay- ing for it. But you have to find your equilibrium,ifor like the V4Dogg explained, "Neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy" Oh, and to any of my current or future professors who happen to read this, I can only offer one last bit of Voltaire's wisdom: "Love trth, andpardon eror soplease don't hold any of this againstAndy when you give out grades." -Andy Taylor-Fabe can be reached at andtaylumich.edu. The top 10 voices of current hit-hop ii Semester fJFVorld Peace at Maharishi University of Management .du/ e800369 6480 VOICES Continued from Page 3B trust into expressive freedom that he uses to escort his listeners though various subjects. The voyage is made possible by Jay's inviting tone. 4 Guru Guru has a husky, relaxed tone of voice * that lends his music an effortless sound. From storytelling to battling, Guru's subdued nature gives his flow a supercilious sense. This, in turn, only enhances the respect one has to have for an emcee as talented as Guru. No emcee sounds more comfortable on the mic, and no emcee could ever want to have his style compared with the relaxed Guru's. Simply and literally, the man makes it sound easy. 3 Baatin Mainstream hip-hop heads mightnot * know Baatin, but the Slum Village emcee has a quiet, scratchy voice that translates to a smooth flow. Providing a distinct contrast to the more energetic sound of fellow S.Ver T3 or the commanding delivery of departed SV member and super producer Jay Dee, Baatin is an understated contributor to any record, and whether he be repping Conant Gardens or wondering how many hits it takes "a record to blow," his deft rhyming skills and voice can mesmerize audiences. 2 Ghostface Killah Even if there were no Wu, everyone would know Ghost. His voice can sound abrasive, measured, sympathetic, loud. Yet this diversity is a perfect complement to his creative and, frankly, deranged personality. The man's three LP's have made fans both amazed and scared, yet he is one- of-a-kind in his delivery and his voice has a great exu- berance. Coupled with varied subjects and tones, Tony Starks' unique yet versatile sound ensures that music fans know who is flowing. Chali 2na The best voice in hip-hop is the deep, * melodic baritone possessed by the Jurassic 5 emcee. 2na's sound is distinctive, and his delivery is always anchored by the bass in his voice. When har- monizing with his compatriots - a J5 staple - the deep sound really stands out. 2na is also able to inject his rhymes with a playfulness that often manifests itself in his vocal modulations. On stage, working in concert with 2na's innate sense of performance, these variations endear the emcee to the often adoring and captivated crowd. Another effect deftly cultivated and exploited by Chali is his astounding ability to rapidly spit while maintaining a consistent volume and tone. Sometimes never stopping for air, Chali pleases fans even further, mesmerizing those hearing a big man with a booming voice spit rhymes quickly. Chali 2na's voice is an unforgettable, unmistakable sound that suits his music and distinguishes him from his peers. ................ . .. - ,:,., 4:,. " " ll- I I - - .......... ..... .. :': . . I .... ... .... .... .. . ... ............. WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT JAMES COBURN DEAD AT 74 - The legendary actor died of a heart attack on Monday. Coburn had his first hit in Hollywood in 1960 with his role as Britt in "The Magnificent Seven," the popular Western version of Kurosawa's "The Seven Samurai." In 1963, he played Sedgwick the Aussie Manufacturer in the World War II prison- camp comedy "The Great Escape." Coburn made a splash in the mid- '60s with his char- acter Derek Flint in the Bond-like spy spoof series, which Coburn in 1966. included "Our Man Flint" (1966) and "In Like Flint" (1967) and is considered to be one of the major influences for Mike Myers' "Austin Powers" series. His major credits in the 1970s includ- ed the Spaghetti Western classic ; "Duck, You Sucker" and S a m Peckinpah's "Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid," which featured Bob Dylan in one Courtesy of Warner Bros. of his few acting roles. Coburn's career was spotty in the '80s due to a debilitating case of arthritis, but he was able to continue taking roles occasionally as he bat- tled the disease. He also appeared in "Maverick" (1994), "Eraser" (1996), "The Nutty Professor" (1996) and "Payback" (1999). In 1997, he won an Academy Award for his role as Glen Whitehouse in the drama "Affliction." He also provided the voice for Henry J. Waternoose III in the animated Pixar film "Monsters, Inc." His most recent credits are the "The Man from Elysian Fields" (2002), which stars Andy Garcia, and "American Gun" (2002). Coburn is survived by his wife, two children, Lisa and James, and two grand-children. THE O.J. ALL STARS OF THE WEEK RICK JAMES, PAUL REUBENS AND JEFFREY JONES So many sex offenders, so little time. The ex-"King of Funk" was recently accused of sexually assaulting a 26-year- old woman. Jones, best known for his role as Ed Rooney in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," was arrested for having sex with a minor and possession of child pornography. Reubens was arrested for possession of child pornography as well. courtesy o interscope Chall 2na: This dog's got chops!