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10B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, October 24, 2002
The top 10 worst horror movies
since the inception of humanity
The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine-
' SECRETS OF..THE.PROS... w *
:ARBOR BREWING COMPANY'S
By Lyle Henretty
Daily Arts Writer
Fear is as old as humanity itself. A
terrified Kane feared the wrath of God
and his fellow men, his heart ached with
terror and confusion, as reality snapped
into focus and horrible death loomed
before him. None of the following cine-
matic efforts would have even jolted
Kane slightly. This is taking into account
that the mere idea of a projected moving
image would have no doubt been so
troubling to a primitive mind that the
mere thought of it would have quite pos-
sibly caused death and/or complete loss
of bowels. This list is a guide for the
uninitiated, and I feel true pity for any of
you that have actually seen any of these
atrocious atrocities. Please, stay away.
10. Alien Blood Filmed on digital
video, this undyingly bizarre film begins
showcasing some very interesting cine-
matography before disintegrating into a
sexless porno romp about vampires and
aliens, or vampire aliens, or some damn
thing. Seriously, it chronicles the
exploits of a pregnant women and her
young daughter running from some
snipers wearing white bags on their
heads. Soon they seek refuge in a
whore-house full of vampires. The video
case promises an "unforgettably grue-
some blood-soaked special effects
packed finale," but I didn't actually
make it to the end. Please e-mail me if
it was any good.
9. The Beyond This is considered by
many to be Italian horror heavyweight
Lucio Fulci's "capolavoro" cementing
him as the greatest goremiester on the
planet. So, why then does this mess
about the seven gates of hell and the
walking dead devolve into humorous
post-Romero drivel that's dubbed (from
English to English, based on lip move-
ment) like a Sonny Chiba movie? As
flesh-eating zombies attack, a confused
protagonist can't seem to get it straight
that shooting them in the head kills
them, wasting bullet after bullet. "Don't
worry," he tells a young lass the zombie
intend to, uh, eat, "I'm a doctor," which
often comes in handy while fighting
zombies. Did "Eyes Wide Shut" really
steal this line?
8. Jack Frost No, not the rollicking
Michael Keaton family comedy, but
(insert joke here). A killer uses magic,
"Child's Play"-style, to turn himself into
a snowman, and then he keeps killing
people. Oh, and did I mention that he
takes off his nose and rapes a women?
With his CARROT NOSE? If you lis-
ten closely during that particular scene,
you can hear the innocence of my child-
hood being violated by unwieldy irony
(and a carrot).
7. Basket Case What could be scarier
than a deranged young man carrying
around his excised Siamese-twin brother
- _. ~I~1..Uui
in a basket? So what if the brother is lit-
tle more than a head-and-arms mass
with plastic teeth, and only moves in
stop-motion so advanced Pixar wouldn't
excrete it? And a twenty minute flash-
back showing you the murderous broth-
er's motivation? Motivation for a
murderous head with arms? Brilliant!
Hitchcock could have made this work.
Frank Henenlotter, whose second most
famous movie is "Basket Case II," not
so much.
6. Street Trash Far be it from me to
condemn a film that includes a scene
where a crazy homeless man puts some
turkeys in his pants and crashes through
a window, a Vietnam flashback where
the Viet Cong are all vampires and of
course, two guys playing catch with the
penis of a third party. The most recog-
nizable actor in this "film" played the
mayor in "The Toxic Avenger," and you
find yourself in wonton lust of the quali-
ty production value of the Troma stal-
wart. Sit back, relax, enjoy some Viper
(which melts bums from the inside out)
and explain the mafia sub-plot to me.
5. Maximum Overdrive Stephen
King decided to forego the usual bas-
tardization of his novels onto the big
screen by making his directorial debut
(and, thank God, denouement) so bad
I started to revel in the subtleties and
careful cinematography of "The
Lawnmower Man." The story of vehi-
cles and appliances coming to life and
attacking Emilio Estevez, who does
his best to make the killer electric
carving knife look Oscar-worthy, hits
its peak about 18 seconds into the
movie, when the director appears on-
screen to say "The ATM told me to go
fuck myself!" All down hill after that,
friends and neighbors.
4. The "Psycho" remake I just want
to thank the director (who shall remain
nameless, but his initials are Gus Van
Zandt) for showing Norman Bates mas-
turbating during the shower scene. Seri-
ously. I was always confused as to
whether the original "Psycho" was sup-
posed to have sexual overtones. Thanks
114
E.Washington
St.
GRILLED CHICKEN ALFREDO
A look at the
underside of U of M
for clearing that up for me.
3. Cannibal Holocaust A film
this hard to find should contain a little
more than ritualistic rape-punishment
with a rock, the slaying of live ani-
mals on-screen, visible castration, and
lots of gratuitous cannibal-nudity!
No, it shouldn't. Pray for me, I
watched it twice.
2. Bloodsucking Freaks A few
years back, the man responsible for dis-
tributing this film apologized for it
while speaking at the Borders on Liber-
ty Street. Seriously. It's the timeless tale
of an evil doctor who keeps deranged
women locked up as his servants/furni-
ture, a bearded midget named Ralphus,
a ballet prodigy who, for some inexpli-
cable reason, dances like a linebacker,
and a guy who literally sucks a brain up
through a straw. It all sort of unravels
into a rape-revenge fantasy by the end,
but at least it gives Ralphus a chance to
use a whip.
1. Orgy of the Dead Just in case you
thought this list didn't include enough
pervasive sexism and an overall violent
disposition (as far as lists can have dis-
positions) to women, this one's for you.
It is impossible to end a list such as this
without at least referencing the late,
great Ed Wood, but it would have just
been lazy to cap it with "Plan 9 From
Outer Space." No, "Orgy" was made
late in the director's life, and he's only
given credit for the screenplay. The writ-
ing is characteristically Wood, as a dead
couple sneaks up on the Devil (who's
wearing Dracula's cape and having trou-
ble reading his cue cards through the
smoke) and his mistress forcing 12
women to do strip-teases in a grave
yard. Yep, that's it. The women are not
particularly attractive, and they're not
really good at dancing. To try to diffuse
the sexism of that statement, try to
imagine John Malkovich and M. Emmit
Walsh doing a dancing shirtless in a
graveyard and you'll get the idea. This is
the only film on the entire list that is
truly frightening.
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1 tsp minced garlic
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INSTRUCTIONS
In a small saute.pan, heat the
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'U,-offers resources for suffering students
-
www.universitysecrets.com
HEALTH
Continued from Page 3B
Unfortunately for overworked col-
lege students, stress triggers depres-
sion. Midterms, relationship woes and
financial worries can cause one stress
and destitute feelings, but a screening
needs to be assessed to diagnose clin-
ical depression.
The depression diagnosis ,is not
merely a check for distress, but rather
a combination of several symptoms.
"One of two major symptoms needs
to be present: depressed moods and
loss of interest in activities," Newlin
explained. Next, "There are five more
symptoms to look for, such as prob-
lems with sleep and concentration."
Many young adults entering college.
are coming to school already diag-
nosed for depression, yet temptations
cause further problems.
"A lot of depressed college students
want to stop taking their medications
so they can drink alcohol, but they do
not realize that alcohol makes their
depression worse," Newlin said.
Left untreated, depression episodes
return as a chronic illness that lasts
for longer time periods with greater
intensity. Depression can ultimately
lead to severe consequences, even sui-
cide. The American Academy of Child
& Adolescent Psychiatry found that
suicide is the third-leading cause of
death for 15 to 24 year olds.
"It's normal to want a reason for
why we are here," Sandelands said.
"But I was suicidal because of my
severe depression. The only reason
why I wanted to die was to get rid of
the suicidal feelings."
THE TREATMENT MENTAL1TY
Fortunately, there are effective
methods of treatment for mental ill-
ness. For anxiety disorders, Himle
suggests that a . psychological inter-
vention of cognitive-behavioral thera-
py is most successful.
"Each disorder has specific compo-
nents catered to their characteristics,
but the one commonality is that
patients are often asked to deliberate-
ly encounter what they fear," Himle
said. "If an Obsessive-Compulsive
patient has a fear of germs, they are
encouraged to gradually expose them-
selves to dirt. Cognitive therapy
works well too. A patient with Social
Phobia would be asked to analyze the
true consequences for avoiding social
situations."
The University Depression Center
provides screenings and recommends
a combination of psychotherapy and
medication, such as Paxil and Prozac,
which are usually very effective in
treatment of these disorders.
Sandelands believes that treatment
can also come directly from within
the patient, rather than only as a result
of a pill.
"I exercise to feel better, and that's
huge. Doctors will always prescribe
psychotherapy and medications, but
that doesn't allow a sense of control
for the patient. Alternatives to med-
ication such as journaling and attend-
ing support groups can be just as
helpful."
Student groups have also risen to
the challenge to treat mental illness.
Mentality is a student organization
open to anyone who desires to share
experiences with mental health and
illness. The members strive for the
creation of expressive works of music,
writing, drama, workshops and dis-
cussions to make people's experiences
positive.
"With mental illness, you're labeled
with a disorder," said Sandelands.
"But at Mentality, if we can listen to
someone's experience and relieve
them, even for just five minutes, that's
relief from that label."
Other goals of Mentality are the
education of the public to be aware of
the effects of mental illness and the
final transformation the challenge the
silence and stigma that surround men-
tal illness.
To stay strong and healthy,
Sandelands makes sure to stay posi-
tive and appreciate how far she has
come along in her treatment. She also
notes the need to be realistic.
"People with anxiety are very much
in touch with reality. We know it's
unreasonable to have these feelings.
You just have to hope you'll pull
through everything. I continually have
to tell myself to trust in myself."
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Winner of the North American
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303 " SOUTH DIVISION * SUITE 2