0 0 0 0 10B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, October 24, 2002 The top 10 worst horror movies since the inception of humanity The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine- ' SECRETS OF..THE.PROS... w * :ARBOR BREWING COMPANY'S By Lyle Henretty Daily Arts Writer Fear is as old as humanity itself. A terrified Kane feared the wrath of God and his fellow men, his heart ached with terror and confusion, as reality snapped into focus and horrible death loomed before him. None of the following cine- matic efforts would have even jolted Kane slightly. This is taking into account that the mere idea of a projected moving image would have no doubt been so troubling to a primitive mind that the mere thought of it would have quite pos- sibly caused death and/or complete loss of bowels. This list is a guide for the uninitiated, and I feel true pity for any of you that have actually seen any of these atrocious atrocities. Please, stay away. 10. Alien Blood Filmed on digital video, this undyingly bizarre film begins showcasing some very interesting cine- matography before disintegrating into a sexless porno romp about vampires and aliens, or vampire aliens, or some damn thing. Seriously, it chronicles the exploits of a pregnant women and her young daughter running from some snipers wearing white bags on their heads. Soon they seek refuge in a whore-house full of vampires. The video case promises an "unforgettably grue- some blood-soaked special effects packed finale," but I didn't actually make it to the end. Please e-mail me if it was any good. 9. The Beyond This is considered by many to be Italian horror heavyweight Lucio Fulci's "capolavoro" cementing him as the greatest goremiester on the planet. So, why then does this mess about the seven gates of hell and the walking dead devolve into humorous post-Romero drivel that's dubbed (from English to English, based on lip move- ment) like a Sonny Chiba movie? As flesh-eating zombies attack, a confused protagonist can't seem to get it straight that shooting them in the head kills them, wasting bullet after bullet. "Don't worry," he tells a young lass the zombie intend to, uh, eat, "I'm a doctor," which often comes in handy while fighting zombies. Did "Eyes Wide Shut" really steal this line? 8. Jack Frost No, not the rollicking Michael Keaton family comedy, but (insert joke here). A killer uses magic, "Child's Play"-style, to turn himself into a snowman, and then he keeps killing people. Oh, and did I mention that he takes off his nose and rapes a women? With his CARROT NOSE? If you lis- ten closely during that particular scene, you can hear the innocence of my child- hood being violated by unwieldy irony (and a carrot). 7. Basket Case What could be scarier than a deranged young man carrying around his excised Siamese-twin brother - _. ~I~1..Uui in a basket? So what if the brother is lit- tle more than a head-and-arms mass with plastic teeth, and only moves in stop-motion so advanced Pixar wouldn't excrete it? And a twenty minute flash- back showing you the murderous broth- er's motivation? Motivation for a murderous head with arms? Brilliant! Hitchcock could have made this work. Frank Henenlotter, whose second most famous movie is "Basket Case II," not so much. 6. Street Trash Far be it from me to condemn a film that includes a scene where a crazy homeless man puts some turkeys in his pants and crashes through a window, a Vietnam flashback where the Viet Cong are all vampires and of course, two guys playing catch with the penis of a third party. The most recog- nizable actor in this "film" played the mayor in "The Toxic Avenger," and you find yourself in wonton lust of the quali- ty production value of the Troma stal- wart. Sit back, relax, enjoy some Viper (which melts bums from the inside out) and explain the mafia sub-plot to me. 5. Maximum Overdrive Stephen King decided to forego the usual bas- tardization of his novels onto the big screen by making his directorial debut (and, thank God, denouement) so bad I started to revel in the subtleties and careful cinematography of "The Lawnmower Man." The story of vehi- cles and appliances coming to life and attacking Emilio Estevez, who does his best to make the killer electric carving knife look Oscar-worthy, hits its peak about 18 seconds into the movie, when the director appears on- screen to say "The ATM told me to go fuck myself!" All down hill after that, friends and neighbors. 4. The "Psycho" remake I just want to thank the director (who shall remain nameless, but his initials are Gus Van Zandt) for showing Norman Bates mas- turbating during the shower scene. Seri- ously. I was always confused as to whether the original "Psycho" was sup- posed to have sexual overtones. Thanks 114 E.Washington St. GRILLED CHICKEN ALFREDO A look at the underside of U of M for clearing that up for me. 3. Cannibal Holocaust A film this hard to find should contain a little more than ritualistic rape-punishment with a rock, the slaying of live ani- mals on-screen, visible castration, and lots of gratuitous cannibal-nudity! No, it shouldn't. Pray for me, I watched it twice. 2. Bloodsucking Freaks A few years back, the man responsible for dis- tributing this film apologized for it while speaking at the Borders on Liber- ty Street. Seriously. It's the timeless tale of an evil doctor who keeps deranged women locked up as his servants/furni- ture, a bearded midget named Ralphus, a ballet prodigy who, for some inexpli- cable reason, dances like a linebacker, and a guy who literally sucks a brain up through a straw. It all sort of unravels into a rape-revenge fantasy by the end, but at least it gives Ralphus a chance to use a whip. 1. Orgy of the Dead Just in case you thought this list didn't include enough pervasive sexism and an overall violent disposition (as far as lists can have dis- positions) to women, this one's for you. It is impossible to end a list such as this without at least referencing the late, great Ed Wood, but it would have just been lazy to cap it with "Plan 9 From Outer Space." No, "Orgy" was made late in the director's life, and he's only given credit for the screenplay. The writ- ing is characteristically Wood, as a dead couple sneaks up on the Devil (who's wearing Dracula's cape and having trou- ble reading his cue cards through the smoke) and his mistress forcing 12 women to do strip-teases in a grave yard. Yep, that's it. The women are not particularly attractive, and they're not really good at dancing. To try to diffuse the sexism of that statement, try to imagine John Malkovich and M. Emmit Walsh doing a dancing shirtless in a graveyard and you'll get the idea. This is the only film on the entire list that is truly frightening. QUALITY DRY CL EANING & SHIRT SERVICE 332 Maynard (Across From Nickels Arcade) 668-6335 INGREDIENTS 1 tsp minced garlic 1 cup heavy whipping cream 1 cup grated parmesan cheese 1 grilled chicken breast 1-2 tbIs chopped scallions 8 oz. fettuccine INSTRUCTIONS In a small saute.pan, heat the minced garlic with a small amount of olive oil. Add heavy whipping cream and turn heat to medium. When at a boil, add parmesan cheese and mix. Lower heat and allow to simmer until desired thickness is reached. If sauce is too thin, try adding more cheese. If the sauce is too thick, try adding more cream. Add eight ounces of cooked fettuccine and toss in sauce. Transfer noodles and sauce to desired plate and top with sliced grilled chicken breast and chopped scallions. BRENDAN O'DONNELL/Daily Arbor Brewing Company's Grilled Chicken Alfredo. 'U,-offers resources for suffering students - www.universitysecrets.com HEALTH Continued from Page 3B Unfortunately for overworked col- lege students, stress triggers depres- sion. Midterms, relationship woes and financial worries can cause one stress and destitute feelings, but a screening needs to be assessed to diagnose clin- ical depression. The depression diagnosis ,is not merely a check for distress, but rather a combination of several symptoms. "One of two major symptoms needs to be present: depressed moods and loss of interest in activities," Newlin explained. Next, "There are five more symptoms to look for, such as prob- lems with sleep and concentration." Many young adults entering college. are coming to school already diag- nosed for depression, yet temptations cause further problems. "A lot of depressed college students want to stop taking their medications so they can drink alcohol, but they do not realize that alcohol makes their depression worse," Newlin said. Left untreated, depression episodes return as a chronic illness that lasts for longer time periods with greater intensity. Depression can ultimately lead to severe consequences, even sui- cide. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry found that suicide is the third-leading cause of death for 15 to 24 year olds. "It's normal to want a reason for why we are here," Sandelands said. "But I was suicidal because of my severe depression. The only reason why I wanted to die was to get rid of the suicidal feelings." THE TREATMENT MENTAL1TY Fortunately, there are effective methods of treatment for mental ill- ness. For anxiety disorders, Himle suggests that a . psychological inter- vention of cognitive-behavioral thera- py is most successful. "Each disorder has specific compo- nents catered to their characteristics, but the one commonality is that patients are often asked to deliberate- ly encounter what they fear," Himle said. "If an Obsessive-Compulsive patient has a fear of germs, they are encouraged to gradually expose them- selves to dirt. Cognitive therapy works well too. A patient with Social Phobia would be asked to analyze the true consequences for avoiding social situations." The University Depression Center provides screenings and recommends a combination of psychotherapy and medication, such as Paxil and Prozac, which are usually very effective in treatment of these disorders. Sandelands believes that treatment can also come directly from within the patient, rather than only as a result of a pill. "I exercise to feel better, and that's huge. Doctors will always prescribe psychotherapy and medications, but that doesn't allow a sense of control for the patient. Alternatives to med- ication such as journaling and attend- ing support groups can be just as helpful." Student groups have also risen to the challenge to treat mental illness. Mentality is a student organization open to anyone who desires to share experiences with mental health and illness. The members strive for the creation of expressive works of music, writing, drama, workshops and dis- cussions to make people's experiences positive. "With mental illness, you're labeled with a disorder," said Sandelands. "But at Mentality, if we can listen to someone's experience and relieve them, even for just five minutes, that's relief from that label." Other goals of Mentality are the education of the public to be aware of the effects of mental illness and the final transformation the challenge the silence and stigma that surround men- tal illness. To stay strong and healthy, Sandelands makes sure to stay posi- tive and appreciate how far she has come along in her treatment. She also notes the need to be realistic. "People with anxiety are very much in touch with reality. We know it's unreasonable to have these feelings. You just have to hope you'll pull through everything. I continually have to tell myself to trust in myself." cl;erenAt"o2t MA\KING HAIR BE.\UII , _ a 4 Con A U T I F U L LIVE AND LEARN JAPANESE.! Waseda Oregon Programs take North American and international students to the prestigious Waseda University, Tokyo, Japan for Japanese language and comparative US-Japan Societies study: - Waseda Oregon Transnational Program January 15 - June 27, 2003 - Waseda Oregon Summer Japanese Program July 9 - August 19, 2003 Scholarships of up to $1000 are available for the Transnational Program. For more information, contact: Waseda Oregon Office Portland State University (800) 823-7938 www.wasedaoregon.org email: info@wasedaoregon.or Steve Nichols will be applying his artistic knowledge in shaping and color artistry at Serendipity Salon. Trained with Tony and .x Guy, Pivot Point International, Paul Mitchell, Sebastian, and Goldwell in Europe, Steve will be bringing over 25 years of hair and color expertise to Ann Arbor. Winner of the North American Artist of the Year Specializing in color correction Steve and Renay welcome you to call for an appointment or a free consultation at 734-213-5945 303 " SOUTH DIVISION * SUITE 2