The Michigan Daily - BOYCOTT THIS
Icers lose first 20 games, still hit
Frozen Four with new coach
Sgroi destroys your mom
Football and journalism giants Jeff Phillips and Dave
Horn have concocted many a fine headline ...
Editor in chief, tyrant Jon Schwartz, has a small mind
and never let these see the light of day
Daily Sports Player
After leading the Wolverines as one of the most success-
ful coaches in college hockey history Gordon "Red"
Berenson was about to enbark on his new challenge. For
the second time in his life, Baerenson had his bags packed
and was ready to head for Montreal.
It had been the dream job for Berenson, who played for
Montreal in his first season in the NHL, to coach for the
historic franchise ever since he had been fired from the
But the vacancy that became available in Montreal was
not for the Canadiens' head coaching position but rather a
spot at the Montreal Canadian Shady Acre Home for the
"He's had a great run here and physically he's in excel-
lent shape," associate head coach Mel Pearson said. "But
mentally, we've noticed he's been slipping lately. We really
feel that this is the right direction to go in for the program
and the best decision for Red."
Berenson's struggles had been escalating over the past
few seasons, culminating with a tirade in which he contin-
ually shouted at sophomore forward Milan Gagic, "Hey
Morrison, wake up and play like you did in '98 when you
won the Hobey Baker because if you did we might actually
have a chance of making it past the Frozen Four."
While the comments would not be questioned if Beren-
son had just been referring to Gajic's less than stellar play,
Bearenson had been referring to Michigan's only Hobey
Baker winner and his protege, Berndan Morrison. The
only thing that Morrison and Gajic have in common is that
they wear the No. 9 in the maize and blue.
Berenson's outbursts reached their nadir in 1002 when
he confused then Michigan senior goalkeeper Josh Black-
burn with Michigan State phenom Ryan Miller.
"You're supposed to be the best god damn college goal-
keeper in America," Berenson shouted. If you're acclaimed
as a No. 1 draft pick, then act like it for God's sake."
It was at that point that Pearson knew that Berenson was
ready to go. That and all the times that he confused Jewish
Michigan Daily writers for Indian columnists or mellow
Irishmen for fierce Italians.
As soon as Pearson told him, Berenson pulled out that
bag he packed in 1962 when he originally left for Montreal
and the fishing pole. Berenson then walked into the lock-
erroom and told all the players that he would see them al
Speechless, Jonny "Boy" Shouneyia could only offer
these kind words for his coach.
"I just need to try and bury it more," Shouynia said
while pulling out of the Yost Ice Arena parking lot in the
nicest Michigan athletic vehicle not driven by a football
player - a Porsche Boxter - on the way to his hairstyal-
ist. "If I can bury it I will score more and that will help me
and everyone that I am playing with."
As Berenson pulled into Shady Acres, the inmates
erupted in euphoria for their newest guest. Confused by
the applause over his arrival, Berenson entered discreetly
into his office to start working on a new offense for the
When the head surgeon finally arrived and told Beren-
son that his coaching days were through, the long time
coach was speechless and didn't know how to respond.
After a few telling moments, the veteran coach accepted
his fate and gave his final good-bye.
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After being shot down on
with "License to Ill.," Horn and
Field hmey -Phillips, came back with "Paul's
Boutique." Another great Beast-
ies album that makes for an
equally poignant headline.
Longtime Michigan coach Red Berenson has finally decided
to move on from collegiate coaching.
Pankratz kraps pants: Field
hockey has best looking players
By David Roth
Daily Sports Has-been/Never-was
Having a tough time getting a date
for this weekend? Check out a Michi-
gan sporting event.
The Wolverines' field hockey team
has beeen making headlines since head
coach Marcia Pankratz took control in
In addition to bringing home Big Ten
Championhips and a national crown Ryals
in 2001, the Michigan field hockey
team has been ranked No. 1 in the polls
of best looking women.
Led by seniors Jessica Rose and
Kate Dillon, this outgoing class has
raised the bar for female athletes at the
university. For the first time in Michi-
gan athletics, the Wolverines have led
the nation in both field hockey champi-
onships and best looking female ath-
letes. This combination has prompted Dillon
Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner to begin
a speciality issue entitled, "Girls of
The issue continues in Playboy's new
tradition of photographing women that
are popular in universities worldwide.
When given the good news, Pankratz
"Finally, wearing spandex in every
game has paid off," Pankratz said. "I
mean, winnning a national title is nice Rose
and all, but being recognized in the
most popular men's magazine in the world really says
something about the program."
The field hockey was a little more uneasy about the
prospect of the magazine.
"I'm fine with posing with the guys from Jimmy's Sgt.
Pepper's for a photo, but I don't know if I can deal with
being bathroom material," an unnamed source told the
But the field hockey team isn't the only squad that has
gained national prominence for both
excellence on the court and in the stu-
dio. The women's soccer team, basket-
ball team and gymnastics team have all
have all contributed to Michigan's
"Damn, that's all I can really say,"
University junior David Rubin said. "It
is one thing to be good-looking. It is
another to be good-looking and more Crumpton
athletic than I can possibly compre-
hend. I'm not a comedian, but I will be their pommelhorse
Rubin is speaking about the nationally-ranked gymnas-
tics team that pleases both coaches and fans alike.
Not to be outdone is women's soccer,
which reached the quarterfinals of the
NCAA Tournament. Led by seniors
Abby Crumpton and Andrea Kayal, the
Wolverines' faithful swooned with
every shake and groove on the dance
floor and in the penalty box.
Women's soccer superfan Dave Pear-
son could barely contain himself this
"If I could get a girl like Crumpton, I would be one lucky
soul," Pearson said. "Plus, (Michigan football coach) Lloyd
(Carr) said we need some help in the ol'kicking game."
It has yet to be determine how the women's basketball
team will end up, but with the talent on the floor, M-Hoopla
is downright giddy.
"Everyone knows what a monster Smitty is on the
boards, but nobody knows what a monster she is on the
headboards," M-Hoopla member John Sarducci projected.
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