The Michigan Daily - BOYCOTT THIS Icers lose first 20 games, still hit Frozen Four with new coach Sgroi destroys your mom Football and journalism giants Jeff Phillips and Dave Horn have concocted many a fine headline ... Editor in chief, tyrant Jon Schwartz, has a small mind and never let these see the light of day Mike Cammillary Daily Sports Player After leading the Wolverines as one of the most success- ful coaches in college hockey history Gordon "Red" Berenson was about to enbark on his new challenge. For the second time in his life, Baerenson had his bags packed and was ready to head for Montreal. It had been the dream job for Berenson, who played for Montreal in his first season in the NHL, to coach for the historic franchise ever since he had been fired from the Buffalo Sabers. But the vacancy that became available in Montreal was not for the Canadiens' head coaching position but rather a spot at the Montreal Canadian Shady Acre Home for the Retired. "He's had a great run here and physically he's in excel- lent shape," associate head coach Mel Pearson said. "But mentally, we've noticed he's been slipping lately. We really feel that this is the right direction to go in for the program and the best decision for Red." Berenson's struggles had been escalating over the past few seasons, culminating with a tirade in which he contin- ually shouted at sophomore forward Milan Gagic, "Hey Morrison, wake up and play like you did in '98 when you won the Hobey Baker because if you did we might actually have a chance of making it past the Frozen Four." While the comments would not be questioned if Beren- son had just been referring to Gajic's less than stellar play, Bearenson had been referring to Michigan's only Hobey Baker winner and his protege, Berndan Morrison. The only thing that Morrison and Gajic have in common is that they wear the No. 9 in the maize and blue. Berenson's outbursts reached their nadir in 1002 when he confused then Michigan senior goalkeeper Josh Black- burn with Michigan State phenom Ryan Miller. "You're supposed to be the best god damn college goal- keeper in America," Berenson shouted. If you're acclaimed as a No. 1 draft pick, then act like it for God's sake." It was at that point that Pearson knew that Berenson was ready to go. That and all the times that he confused Jewish Michigan Daily writers for Indian columnists or mellow Irishmen for fierce Italians. As soon as Pearson told him, Berenson pulled out that bag he packed in 1962 when he originally left for Montreal and the fishing pole. Berenson then walked into the lock- erroom and told all the players that he would see them al there soon. Speechless, Jonny "Boy" Shouneyia could only offer these kind words for his coach. "I just need to try and bury it more," Shouynia said while pulling out of the Yost Ice Arena parking lot in the nicest Michigan athletic vehicle not driven by a football player - a Porsche Boxter - on the way to his hairstyal- ist. "If I can bury it I will score more and that will help me and everyone that I am playing with." As Berenson pulled into Shady Acres, the inmates erupted in euphoria for their newest guest. Confused by the applause over his arrival, Berenson entered discreetly into his office to start working on a new offense for the Canadians. When the head surgeon finally arrived and told Beren- son that his coaching days were through, the long time coach was speechless and didn't know how to respond. After a few telling moments, the veteran coach accepted his fate and gave his final good-bye. SPORTSMONDAY x - SPORTSMONDAY Scoebordbitch dimsd :ro y~If oimen capture Big Ten uhampiolislup Yxsrzt zzSPOTIS .. PA I a.:r Paul's Bouique. E2 % 44 .ie Lnse n ( great ut is good enogh C-, CCXC . '. ' ...,. - . ..,....[CCC}C., After being shot down on with "License to Ill.," Horn and Field hmey -Phillips, came back with "Paul's Boutique." Another great Beast- ies album that makes for an equally poignant headline. SPO7IRSMONA Longtime Michigan coach Red Berenson has finally decided to move on from collegiate coaching. Pankratz kraps pants: Field hockey has best looking players By David Roth Daily Sports Has-been/Never-was Having a tough time getting a date for this weekend? Check out a Michi- gan sporting event. The Wolverines' field hockey team has beeen making headlines since head coach Marcia Pankratz took control in 1998. In addition to bringing home Big Ten Championhips and a national crown Ryals in 2001, the Michigan field hockey team has been ranked No. 1 in the polls of best looking women. Led by seniors Jessica Rose and Kate Dillon, this outgoing class has raised the bar for female athletes at the university. For the first time in Michi- gan athletics, the Wolverines have led the nation in both field hockey champi- onships and best looking female ath- letes. This combination has prompted Dillon Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner to begin a speciality issue entitled, "Girls of Field Hockey." The issue continues in Playboy's new tradition of photographing women that are popular in universities worldwide. When given the good news, Pankratz was elated. "Finally, wearing spandex in every game has paid off," Pankratz said. "I mean, winnning a national title is nice Rose and all, but being recognized in the most popular men's magazine in the world really says something about the program." The field hockey was a little more uneasy about the prospect of the magazine. "I'm fine with posing with the guys from Jimmy's Sgt. Pepper's for a photo, but I don't know if I can deal with being bathroom material," an unnamed source told the Daily. But the field hockey team isn't the only squad that has gained national prominence for both excellence on the court and in the stu- dio. The women's soccer team, basket- ball team and gymnastics team have all have all contributed to Michigan's excellence. "Damn, that's all I can really say," University junior David Rubin said. "It is one thing to be good-looking. It is another to be good-looking and more Crumpton athletic than I can possibly compre- hend. I'm not a comedian, but I will be their pommelhorse any time." Rubin is speaking about the nationally-ranked gymnas- tics team that pleases both coaches and fans alike. Not to be outdone is women's soccer, which reached the quarterfinals of the NCAA Tournament. Led by seniors Abby Crumpton and Andrea Kayal, the Wolverines' faithful swooned with every shake and groove on the dance floor and in the penalty box. Women's soccer superfan Dave Pear- son could barely contain himself this season. Smith "If I could get a girl like Crumpton, I would be one lucky soul," Pearson said. "Plus, (Michigan football coach) Lloyd (Carr) said we need some help in the ol'kicking game." It has yet to be determine how the women's basketball team will end up, but with the talent on the floor, M-Hoopla is downright giddy. "Everyone knows what a monster Smitty is on the boards, but nobody knows what a monster she is on the headboards," M-Hoopla member John Sarducci projected. . .:CXX., C Fidel hacker. 'UMCC 'b XACCC 'CC. CC C. C .. C : . ..~ '..ts.: . CCs~ .t. CC',>....< CCC.CC' ..Cx . ,,~,......., i .... x... I-. ,. .. n.....: . .X. .. .c x. (v,. .., vx r: , x J. BRAIDS AND THE SPORTS STAFF ARE LOOKING FOR MORE FEMALE WRITERS. IF INTERESTED, CONTACT TTLEIX@UMICH.EDU. JOIN DAILY SPORTS! m II