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January 31, 2003 - Image 7

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Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 2003-01-31

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Bruce Springsteen
is a homo.
Seriously, words cannot
encompass his gayness
www.persiankitty.com
eatmaedick@michigandaily.com

Get
IR'A s

7

Royal Shakespeare Company
cast aside for erotic alternative

By Chest Rockwell
* Daily Porn Aficionado and owner of nice package (that's a big dick, girls!)
The English Department at the University made a sur-
prising, announcement yesterday, revealing The Royal
Shakespeare Company, which has traditionally visited
Ann Arbor in years past, has been de-invited (sic) this
year.
Although the RSC had been scheduled to perform
"Merry Wives of Windsor," "Corialanus" and Salman
Rushdie's "Midnight's Children" in March, the engage-
ments have been cancelled in favor of another theater
troupe, the Erotic Shake-N-Spear (sic, again) Company.
The group, which has actually been performing erotic
versions of Shakespeare's greatest works since 1978, has
been invited instead.
Professor George "Footlong" Wildwood of the English
Department explained the University's decision. "We
just got tired of seeing the same, tired plays over and
over again, and we thought that this would be a good
way to change things, make them up, like the wind."
Wildwood added, "Additionally, with all the kids
watching the MTV and screwing like rabbits, we thought
that including something a little more racy might be a
good way to give the kids some culture."
Here is a list of the plays that the company will be
performing while in Ann Arbor:
MacBreast: The classic story of murder and guilt
with a twist: Lady MacBeth gets down with Banquo,
MacDuff, the King and pretty much everyone else. No
one is "unsexing" anyone in this version.
Much Ado About Nutting: Bene-Dick and Beat-
rice act out their fiery fantasies during the S&Masked
ball, and Beatrice succumbs to Claudio with Long Dong
Pedro cheering them on.
Julius Beaver: In this version, when Calpurnia
begs Julius to stay home, he obliges her, and Acts III-V
are them having sex.
A Midsummer's Wet Dream: In a departure from
the original, Lysander, Hermia and Hippolyta have what
the French call a "menage a three." Also, Theseus has his
way with the fairies while Oberon watches and jerks off.
The Reaming of the Shrew: Also ends in a
menage i three. Hey you can never have too many three-
somes.
Ass You Like It: Two words - group sex.

The Merchant of Penis: After Shylock rejects
Portia's attempts to buy out Antonio's debt despite her
willingness to pay three times the debt, she offers him
something he can't refuse, with sexy results.
King Rear: This one is pretty self-explanatory.
Two Gentlemen (and one flexible woman) of
Verona: Ditto.
Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's roommate: The
famous balcony scene ends with Romeo scaling the wall
and going down on Juliet. Just then, Juliet's roommate
gets out of the shower ...
Hamlet Does Denmark: Hamlet, deep in existen-
tial angst, roams the countryside, seducing farmers'
daughters. Also, Rosencrantz and Guilderstern's rela-
tionship is slightly more, um, explicit.

By Warren Shit
A very sad, sad man
DEAR NDUJOO,
I hope you're sitting down for this ...
I've got some bad news.
Yesterday the
recently converted "Dear Nd
to Judaism Bruce
Springstein, Bono, hope you
Chris Burke, Buck-
wheat and others (Sic) dow
i m m e d i a t e ly
announced plans for
a new album to ben-
fit the victims'ofAIDS'families.
Titled "Riding the Short Bus: Living
with DS," the eclectic supergroup is
committed to topping the previous
record for capitalizing on tragedy, held

IU
u'
in

jointly by the artists of "The Concert for
New York City."
When approached for comment on the
terrorist activity, Chris "Whereis-
BEKHA? "Burke informed the crowd of
four that "eating is good! eating is seri-
ous / if you don't
VOO I eat enough, you
might disappear-
re sittng eance / if you eat
,y too much, you
... might get deliri-
ous.
- Warren Shit He then thanked
East Grand Rapids
for "worshipping one of my kind." By his
kind, he meant, re-tahds.
Bill Murray was in the movie
"Stripes." Ndujoo, I thought you would
be interested in the filmography of an

actor/semi-pro-golfer He has many funy
films.
When not masturbating to images of
himself being anally impaled by Ireland,
Bono was still unavailable-for comment.
Justin plowed through a rendition of
"Dirrty,"in memory of the needles that
pricked so many AIDS victims.
As legendary Jersey-icon and
fudgepacker Bruce Springstein took the
stage, my heart fluttered remembering
your dead foster mother and how much
she hated this egregious fuck.
This time I've included a little some-
thing extra. It is a gift. Let us use it
against him.

courtesy of my 19.inch demon cook
It's my big dick; I decide when we write classics of literature.

the michigan daily

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on,
173

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