Bruce Springsteen is a homo. Seriously, words cannot encompass his gayness www.persiankitty.com eatmaedick@michigandaily.com Get IR'A s 7 Royal Shakespeare Company cast aside for erotic alternative By Chest Rockwell * Daily Porn Aficionado and owner of nice package (that's a big dick, girls!) The English Department at the University made a sur- prising, announcement yesterday, revealing The Royal Shakespeare Company, which has traditionally visited Ann Arbor in years past, has been de-invited (sic) this year. Although the RSC had been scheduled to perform "Merry Wives of Windsor," "Corialanus" and Salman Rushdie's "Midnight's Children" in March, the engage- ments have been cancelled in favor of another theater troupe, the Erotic Shake-N-Spear (sic, again) Company. The group, which has actually been performing erotic versions of Shakespeare's greatest works since 1978, has been invited instead. Professor George "Footlong" Wildwood of the English Department explained the University's decision. "We just got tired of seeing the same, tired plays over and over again, and we thought that this would be a good way to change things, make them up, like the wind." Wildwood added, "Additionally, with all the kids watching the MTV and screwing like rabbits, we thought that including something a little more racy might be a good way to give the kids some culture." Here is a list of the plays that the company will be performing while in Ann Arbor: MacBreast: The classic story of murder and guilt with a twist: Lady MacBeth gets down with Banquo, MacDuff, the King and pretty much everyone else. No one is "unsexing" anyone in this version. Much Ado About Nutting: Bene-Dick and Beat- rice act out their fiery fantasies during the S&Masked ball, and Beatrice succumbs to Claudio with Long Dong Pedro cheering them on. Julius Beaver: In this version, when Calpurnia begs Julius to stay home, he obliges her, and Acts III-V are them having sex. A Midsummer's Wet Dream: In a departure from the original, Lysander, Hermia and Hippolyta have what the French call a "menage a three." Also, Theseus has his way with the fairies while Oberon watches and jerks off. The Reaming of the Shrew: Also ends in a menage i three. Hey you can never have too many three- somes. Ass You Like It: Two words - group sex. The Merchant of Penis: After Shylock rejects Portia's attempts to buy out Antonio's debt despite her willingness to pay three times the debt, she offers him something he can't refuse, with sexy results. King Rear: This one is pretty self-explanatory. Two Gentlemen (and one flexible woman) of Verona: Ditto. Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's roommate: The famous balcony scene ends with Romeo scaling the wall and going down on Juliet. Just then, Juliet's roommate gets out of the shower ... Hamlet Does Denmark: Hamlet, deep in existen- tial angst, roams the countryside, seducing farmers' daughters. Also, Rosencrantz and Guilderstern's rela- tionship is slightly more, um, explicit. By Warren Shit A very sad, sad man DEAR NDUJOO, I hope you're sitting down for this ... I've got some bad news. Yesterday the recently converted "Dear Nd to Judaism Bruce Springstein, Bono, hope you Chris Burke, Buck- wheat and others (Sic) dow i m m e d i a t e ly announced plans for a new album to ben- fit the victims'ofAIDS'families. Titled "Riding the Short Bus: Living with DS," the eclectic supergroup is committed to topping the previous record for capitalizing on tragedy, held IU u' in jointly by the artists of "The Concert for New York City." When approached for comment on the terrorist activity, Chris "Whereis- BEKHA? "Burke informed the crowd of four that "eating is good! eating is seri- ous / if you don't VOO I eat enough, you might disappear- re sittng eance / if you eat ,y too much, you ... might get deliri- ous. - Warren Shit He then thanked East Grand Rapids for "worshipping one of my kind." By his kind, he meant, re-tahds. Bill Murray was in the movie "Stripes." Ndujoo, I thought you would be interested in the filmography of an actor/semi-pro-golfer He has many funy films. When not masturbating to images of himself being anally impaled by Ireland, Bono was still unavailable-for comment. Justin plowed through a rendition of "Dirrty,"in memory of the needles that pricked so many AIDS victims. As legendary Jersey-icon and fudgepacker Bruce Springstein took the stage, my heart fluttered remembering your dead foster mother and how much she hated this egregious fuck. This time I've included a little some- thing extra. It is a gift. 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