d7be 1Mirbioan IaitI~
MICHIGAN'S ONLY
GOOD
AT LAME ...
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SPORTS
DON'T YOU WISH YOU
WENT TO DUKE?
34008
Poll
Martin says: "Fuck it
. e. Wel rehire Fisher"
By Tom Wywrot
Daily Playa' hatin' fool
To
Who's next to get
basketball team?
kicked off the Michigan
Jim Weber and next year's 9ditors:
Lick these- j
sou rballs!
c..-
"+ 6
Avery Queen
Dom-Bomb
B-Rob Jr.
B-Rob Ill
103%
53%
45%
51%
Daniel HortonI
12%
Eight down, six to go. Of the Michigan basketball program's last 14 scholar-
ships handed out, six players still remain.
"Wow! Who would'have ever thought six players would still be around from
three years ago," Michigan basketball coach Tommy Amaker said. "I mean, I
figured Gavin Groninger would still be here, 'cause where's he gonna go? And
LaVell's overrated - even NBA scouts realize that, so I guess that's two. Oh,
and Chuck Bailey seems like a good kid, so that makes three. I guessed I
would have guessed that there would still be three players here of the 14 schol-
arships handed out three years ago."
The total far exceeds the preseason expectations for the program. Las Vegas
oddsmakersovers established the over-under at 3.5 before the start of the season.
"The key will be Bernard Robinson," oddsmaker Chris Duprey said. "It's a
lock that he'll be gone by next season, but will he make it through one more
season. Under a disciplinarian, probably not. Under Amaker, it'll come down
to the wire.
"Remember, the season's still not over."
Most oddsmakers thought that freshman Dommanic Ingerson would have
been kicked off the team for off-the-court problems and sophomore point
guard Avery Queen would have been in jail by now, which would also mean
that he would not play.
Ingerson came to Michigan after being suspended on multiple occasions by
his high. school coach Jeff Lavender. Queen, before his arrival at Michigan,
was charged with assault for beating a 14-year old with a belt.
The last lingering member from the three recruiting classes who was count-
ed on to no longer be at Michigan was Bernard Robinson, a sophomore guard,
or as former coach Brian Ellerbe called him, "Brenawd."
The continuous problems led to Athletic Director Bill Martin to say, "Fuck
it, if we're going to run these shenanigans, we might as well win."
With that, he rehired former coach Steve Fisher, the coach who led the
Wolverines to their only national title, in 1989, and led them to the NCAA
Finals in 1992 and 1993.
"Geepers, I didn't expect this," Fisher said. "To be honest, I almost didn't
leave>San Diego State. I mean, we're going to the NIT this year, and that's a lot
more than Michigan can say.
"But then I'd rather fight for the No. 10 seed in the NCAA Tournament out
of the Big Ten than the Mountain West."
With that, he took out his cell phone and made a call.
"Hello, Ed? This is Steve. We're puttin' the band back together ..."
v
7 L
Tommy
Amaker
2
25%
A.D. Martin, have we
ot an idea for you
aThe Media
090
series on why John
Navarre sucks.
t
1\
' "'i~k
/," "
.. . ...... .. ...
Athletic Director Martin, if you truly t
want to restrore the the Michigan bas-
ketball program, fire Tom Wywrot.
We'd get into details, but there's not
enough room. Instead, we'll just say that
Duke (that is the program you're trying
to replicate, right? Otherwise, why hire
Tommy?) would never hire thim. (In-
tra-net, Tom! In-tra-net!)
While you're at it, see if you can
somehow get John Navarre out of here.
We don't care how - those guys who
got rid of Hoffa would know.
We thought 8-4 left with Gary Moeller.,
07'7
Olson turns pro, plans to wrestle Triple H
By Superfly Snuka
Ballz in yo mouf
In a move that surprised just about everyone who watches Monday Night Raw,
Michigan All-American Otto Olson declared yesterday that he is leaving school to
enter the WWF. Olson went on to say that he plans to faceWWF superstarTriple H
on "Smackdown!" next week.
"It's always been my dream to wrestle on Smackdown!," the standout 174-pounder
said. "Actually, it's always been my dream to get with that fine piece of ass Trish Stra-
tus, but first I have to kick the crap out of Triple H."
Olson's announcement left Michigan coach Joe McFarland visibly shaken. McFar-
land has worked long and hard to get the Wolverines among the nation's elite, so los-
ing his best wrestler is a huge blow.
"Fucking ass," McFarland said. "You've got to be kidding me. Triple H has to go at
least 270, 280, right? Where does Otto get off thinking he can take down The Game?
Crappy CCHA team
M'; icers spit out idio
He doesn't even have a cool finishing move that can't possibly hurt as much as they
make it look, like the Rock Bottom or the Stone Cold Stunner."
Triple H, a.k.a. Hunter Hearst Helmsley, was in some hick town in Alabama get=
ting ready for an "arena event", like they always try and get people to buy tickets for
on 'Raw is War'. But, that didn't stop him from firing the first of many choreo-
graphed, completely-fake insults at Olson. -
First, The Game dumped a bottle of water on his ratty blonde locks. Then, he start-
ed inhaling and exhaling forcefully, while glaring at the camera. Finally, he spit water
at the camera and growled, "The Game hears that some punk-ass college kid wants to
leave school and step up to the big leagues. As if that's not bad enough, he's got the
audacity to come out and challenge The Game. Does he know what he's getting in
to? The Game says, "Bring it! !"
Longtime WWF announcer Jim Ross was stunned by the developments.
"Good god, that's Otto Olson's music!," Ross screamed. "What in the hell? Busi-
ness has just picked up in here!! The Game just got screwed again!"
Interested in a ticket out of town
this summer? Why not earn
academic credit while checking
out a new part of theworld?
Applications for OIP Spring & Summer
2002 Study Abroad Programs are due in
February. Stop by the OIP and learn about
its offerings on 4 different continents, or go
on-line for more information.
By Jason Binge
Man, I was so trashed last night ...
SOME DUMPY LITTLE TOWN
IN THE U.P. - Despite the pres-
ence of several former Wolverines
who have failed professionally, the
Michigan hockey team couldn't
overcome cellar-dwellar Lake Supe-
rior last night, falling by a narrow 9-
2 margin.
Michigan coach Red Berenson
was unwavered by his team's per-
formance, saying "I like the way our
team played." Granted, there really
hasn't been a weekend where Red
didn't like how the team played, but
that still must've been nice for those
clowns to hear.
The Wolverines got an unexpected
lift when a couple of former
Wolverines showed up to play.
Lacking any job prospects, any hob-
bies, or any worthwhile skills what-
soever, Josh Langfeld and Mark
Kosick took advantage of a little-
known NCAA rule that allows play-
ers who got progressively crappier
over their four years in college to
play a fifth year.
Amazingly enough, Langfeld and
Kosick actually managed to get even
worse over the past year. Hell, they
could barely skate, which might
explain why they got cut by some
bottom-feeder minor league team in
Central Texas. That didn't stop
Berenson from praising them,
though.
"Those boys had some glorious
scoring chances," Berenson said. "In
Taffy Abel Arena, but nobody lis-
tened.
Michigan's only offense came
courtesy of the stylin'-and-profilin'
John Shouneyia, who played - for
the 17th straight year - on the
same line with Mark Mink.
Shouneyia scored a pair of goals,
but after the game, all he wanted to
talk about was his date with a Tri
Delt last weekend.
"I just couldn't bury my chances,"
Shouneyia said while admiring his
shiny purple suit. "I deked to the
backhand and tried to slide it in
five-hole, but it just didn't go in. I
kept getting stonewalled, so I tried
to stick it in from behind. Just
couldn't bury it ... bury it, bury it,
bury it ..."
bitchslaps
tic quotes
The Wolverines now find them-
selves four points behind league-
leading Michigan State as the
season starts to wind down. But, to
a man, Michigan's players claim that
they aren't at all worried about once
again losing out to Sparty.
"Oh, you know, there's nothing we
can do aboot that right now," said
senior Craig Murray, who was only
too proud of his thick Canadian
accent. "We just gotta bury our
chances, you know?"
Berenson had pretty much the
same take as his boys.
"The way I look at it ... well, hell,
we host the damn West Regional,
don't we? So why worry? Alright,
who wants to go to Banfield's? Any-
body? Drinks are on me, boys."
SPRINTING .
LOWEST PRICES!
HIGHEST QUALITY!
FASTEST SER VICE! U
* 1002 PONTIAC TR. U
994-1367 g
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For more information, please contact the
Office of International Programs (OIP)
G513 Michigan Union
764-4431
www.umich.edu/-iinetloip
ANCIEJNT STEPS,
?orward& 1anlces
REDEFINING DANCE THROUGH
'THE WONDER OF INNOVATION
Featuring music by Bach, Henry
100 kPurcell and live accompaniment
by the UM Gamelan Ensemble.