d7be 1Mirbioan IaitI~ MICHIGAN'S ONLY GOOD AT LAME ... If you're looking for a sports website that works, don't use ours. Try mikegotfredsonsucksballs.com; mamaLeSueuer-yoursonsucks.com; or takeawaynavarresscholarship.com. SPORTS DON'T YOU WISH YOU WENT TO DUKE? 34008 Poll Martin says: "Fuck it . e. Wel rehire Fisher" By Tom Wywrot Daily Playa' hatin' fool To Who's next to get basketball team? kicked off the Michigan Jim Weber and next year's 9ditors: Lick these- j sou rballs! c..- "+ 6 Avery Queen Dom-Bomb B-Rob Jr. B-Rob Ill 103% 53% 45% 51% Daniel HortonI 12% Eight down, six to go. Of the Michigan basketball program's last 14 scholar- ships handed out, six players still remain. "Wow! Who would'have ever thought six players would still be around from three years ago," Michigan basketball coach Tommy Amaker said. "I mean, I figured Gavin Groninger would still be here, 'cause where's he gonna go? And LaVell's overrated - even NBA scouts realize that, so I guess that's two. Oh, and Chuck Bailey seems like a good kid, so that makes three. I guessed I would have guessed that there would still be three players here of the 14 schol- arships handed out three years ago." The total far exceeds the preseason expectations for the program. Las Vegas oddsmakersovers established the over-under at 3.5 before the start of the season. "The key will be Bernard Robinson," oddsmaker Chris Duprey said. "It's a lock that he'll be gone by next season, but will he make it through one more season. Under a disciplinarian, probably not. Under Amaker, it'll come down to the wire. "Remember, the season's still not over." Most oddsmakers thought that freshman Dommanic Ingerson would have been kicked off the team for off-the-court problems and sophomore point guard Avery Queen would have been in jail by now, which would also mean that he would not play. Ingerson came to Michigan after being suspended on multiple occasions by his high. school coach Jeff Lavender. Queen, before his arrival at Michigan, was charged with assault for beating a 14-year old with a belt. The last lingering member from the three recruiting classes who was count- ed on to no longer be at Michigan was Bernard Robinson, a sophomore guard, or as former coach Brian Ellerbe called him, "Brenawd." The continuous problems led to Athletic Director Bill Martin to say, "Fuck it, if we're going to run these shenanigans, we might as well win." With that, he rehired former coach Steve Fisher, the coach who led the Wolverines to their only national title, in 1989, and led them to the NCAA Finals in 1992 and 1993. "Geepers, I didn't expect this," Fisher said. "To be honest, I almost didn't leave>San Diego State. I mean, we're going to the NIT this year, and that's a lot more than Michigan can say. "But then I'd rather fight for the No. 10 seed in the NCAA Tournament out of the Big Ten than the Mountain West." With that, he took out his cell phone and made a call. "Hello, Ed? This is Steve. We're puttin' the band back together ..." v 7 L Tommy Amaker 2 25% A.D. Martin, have we ot an idea for you aThe Media 090 series on why John Navarre sucks. t 1\ ' "'i~k /," " .. . ...... .. ... Athletic Director Martin, if you truly t want to restrore the the Michigan bas- ketball program, fire Tom Wywrot. We'd get into details, but there's not enough room. Instead, we'll just say that Duke (that is the program you're trying to replicate, right? Otherwise, why hire Tommy?) would never hire thim. (In- tra-net, Tom! In-tra-net!) While you're at it, see if you can somehow get John Navarre out of here. We don't care how - those guys who got rid of Hoffa would know. We thought 8-4 left with Gary Moeller., 07'7 Olson turns pro, plans to wrestle Triple H By Superfly Snuka Ballz in yo mouf In a move that surprised just about everyone who watches Monday Night Raw, Michigan All-American Otto Olson declared yesterday that he is leaving school to enter the WWF. Olson went on to say that he plans to faceWWF superstarTriple H on "Smackdown!" next week. "It's always been my dream to wrestle on Smackdown!," the standout 174-pounder said. "Actually, it's always been my dream to get with that fine piece of ass Trish Stra- tus, but first I have to kick the crap out of Triple H." Olson's announcement left Michigan coach Joe McFarland visibly shaken. McFar- land has worked long and hard to get the Wolverines among the nation's elite, so los- ing his best wrestler is a huge blow. "Fucking ass," McFarland said. "You've got to be kidding me. Triple H has to go at least 270, 280, right? Where does Otto get off thinking he can take down The Game? Crappy CCHA team M'; icers spit out idio He doesn't even have a cool finishing move that can't possibly hurt as much as they make it look, like the Rock Bottom or the Stone Cold Stunner." Triple H, a.k.a. Hunter Hearst Helmsley, was in some hick town in Alabama get= ting ready for an "arena event", like they always try and get people to buy tickets for on 'Raw is War'. But, that didn't stop him from firing the first of many choreo- graphed, completely-fake insults at Olson. - First, The Game dumped a bottle of water on his ratty blonde locks. Then, he start- ed inhaling and exhaling forcefully, while glaring at the camera. Finally, he spit water at the camera and growled, "The Game hears that some punk-ass college kid wants to leave school and step up to the big leagues. As if that's not bad enough, he's got the audacity to come out and challenge The Game. Does he know what he's getting in to? The Game says, "Bring it! !" Longtime WWF announcer Jim Ross was stunned by the developments. "Good god, that's Otto Olson's music!," Ross screamed. "What in the hell? Busi- ness has just picked up in here!! The Game just got screwed again!" Interested in a ticket out of town this summer? Why not earn academic credit while checking out a new part of theworld? Applications for OIP Spring & Summer 2002 Study Abroad Programs are due in February. Stop by the OIP and learn about its offerings on 4 different continents, or go on-line for more information. By Jason Binge Man, I was so trashed last night ... SOME DUMPY LITTLE TOWN IN THE U.P. - Despite the pres- ence of several former Wolverines who have failed professionally, the Michigan hockey team couldn't overcome cellar-dwellar Lake Supe- rior last night, falling by a narrow 9- 2 margin. Michigan coach Red Berenson was unwavered by his team's per- formance, saying "I like the way our team played." Granted, there really hasn't been a weekend where Red didn't like how the team played, but that still must've been nice for those clowns to hear. The Wolverines got an unexpected lift when a couple of former Wolverines showed up to play. Lacking any job prospects, any hob- bies, or any worthwhile skills what- soever, Josh Langfeld and Mark Kosick took advantage of a little- known NCAA rule that allows play- ers who got progressively crappier over their four years in college to play a fifth year. Amazingly enough, Langfeld and Kosick actually managed to get even worse over the past year. Hell, they could barely skate, which might explain why they got cut by some bottom-feeder minor league team in Central Texas. That didn't stop Berenson from praising them, though. "Those boys had some glorious scoring chances," Berenson said. "In Taffy Abel Arena, but nobody lis- tened. Michigan's only offense came courtesy of the stylin'-and-profilin' John Shouneyia, who played - for the 17th straight year - on the same line with Mark Mink. Shouneyia scored a pair of goals, but after the game, all he wanted to talk about was his date with a Tri Delt last weekend. "I just couldn't bury my chances," Shouneyia said while admiring his shiny purple suit. "I deked to the backhand and tried to slide it in five-hole, but it just didn't go in. I kept getting stonewalled, so I tried to stick it in from behind. Just couldn't bury it ... bury it, bury it, bury it ..." bitchslaps tic quotes The Wolverines now find them- selves four points behind league- leading Michigan State as the season starts to wind down. But, to a man, Michigan's players claim that they aren't at all worried about once again losing out to Sparty. "Oh, you know, there's nothing we can do aboot that right now," said senior Craig Murray, who was only too proud of his thick Canadian accent. "We just gotta bury our chances, you know?" Berenson had pretty much the same take as his boys. "The way I look at it ... well, hell, we host the damn West Regional, don't we? So why worry? Alright, who wants to go to Banfield's? Any- body? Drinks are on me, boys." SPRINTING . LOWEST PRICES! HIGHEST QUALITY! FASTEST SER VICE! U * 1002 PONTIAC TR. U 994-1367 g *4 . . :p . * oPJ For more information, please contact the Office of International Programs (OIP) G513 Michigan Union 764-4431 www.umich.edu/-iinetloip ANCIEJNT STEPS, ?orward& 1anlces REDEFINING DANCE THROUGH 'THE WONDER OF INNOVATION Featuring music by Bach, Henry 100 kPurcell and live accompaniment by the UM Gamelan Ensemble.