8B - The Michigan Daily - FOOTBALL SATURDAY - Wednesday, November 21, 2001
Gibke 3ciwxTh
420 MAYNARD STREET
ANN ARBOR, MI 48109
daily. letters@umich.edu
Waging war on wars waged
AUBREY HENRETTYm, :nOPlCA
The Michigan Daily - FooTBALL SATURDAY -
ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE
Special teams cover offnesmistakes in
EDITED AND MANAGED BY
STUDENTS AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
SINCE 1890
GEOFFREY GAGNON
Editor in Chief
MICHAEL GRASS
NICHOLAS WOOMER
Editorial Page Editors
Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the najority of the
Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not
necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily.
It has come to
our attention that
Daily colum-
niist/village idiot
Aubrey lHenretty
has yet to com-
nent publicly on
the Sept. 11 ter-
2 irorist attacks. We
apologize for her
insensitivity. Out of respect for the
dead, this week' scolumn -titled
"Cheese in a can: It's all about
technique" -- will not be seen at
this time. Instead, here's something
a bit more socially relevant cour-
tesy of a prominent cable news
channel. So just sit back, relax and
let your l.Q. rise ...
A NNOUNCER: You're
watching DNN's special
coverage of the downfall of
humanity. The Doom News
Network: All terror, all the time.
Rely on DNN.
ANCHOR: Welcome back to
DNN's extended coverage of the
War on Dirty Foreigners Who Wish
to Kill and Eat Our Children. I'm
Rod Grimly. Making headlines
today, bio-terrorism: Could the
nation's supply of animal crackers
be next? Also, on the economic
front, Dow Jones spokesman and
investor Rich Whitey has confirmed
to DNN that the stock market has,
quote, "officially gone to shit." To
make ends meet, Whitey said he
may be forced to shut down three of
his Mexican sweatshops, leaving
hundreds of malnourished Spanish-
speaking children out of work. But
more on that in a moment. First,
let's go to Frank Stern in studio 13
for a DNN exclusive interview.
Frank?
FRANK: Thanks, Rod. I'm here
with creation's foremost authority on
doom, the almighty God himself.
Thank you so much for talking with
us today, Your Holiness. I know you
must have a lot on your mind right
now.
GOD: Don't mention it. And
please, call me God; I can't stand
euphemisms.
FRANK: No, of course not. No
beating around the bush. We'll cut
right to the chase. Is there any truth
to the rumors that the Sept. 11
attacks were apocalyptic in nature?
Is this, you know, it? Should the
human race be preparing for the end
of the world?
GOD: You want me to tell you
when the apocalypse is going to
happen? Ha. ha. What would be the
fun in that? I will tell you, though,
that leveling buildings isn't really
my style. I'm more of a floods and
fires kind of guy, myself.
Brimstone, too. I'm a fan of brim-
stone.
FRANK: What is brimstone,
exactly?
GOD: Didn't you ever take
chemistry?
FRANK: No, I was a communi-
cations major.
GOD: Sulfur. It's just another
word for sulfur. Anyway, like I was
saying, I had nothing to do with that
mess. Sure. Americans are material-
istic, selfish and empirically unintel-
ligent, but they pay for that in other
ways.
FRANK: What do you mean,
"other ways?"
GOD: Oh, you know ...
Starbucks, "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire." the Olsen twinse
the fashion industry, Carrot Top,
World Championship Wrestling,
.Jerry Falwell ...
FRANK: Have you spoken to
.Jerry Falwell?
GOD: No.
FRANK: You said you take no
responsibility for the dastardly Sept.
I1 attacks. Don't you feel at least
partly responsible? The terrorists did
seem to think you were on their side.
GOD: Oh, you're one to talk
about assigning me a side!
Everywhere I go in this country, it's
"one nation under God this" this and
"God bless America" that. Is that a
request or a command? Huh? What
makes you little peons think I'm
rooting for you?
FRANK: Ah, well, I -
GOD: Is that all I am to you?
Fodder for your tragedy graphics? I
mean, not that I'm opposed to the
idea of blessing America per se, but
you make it sound like I have to
choose between blessing it and
crushing it with my benevolent fist,
the way you supercilious snots have
been doing with Afghanistan. Look,
I'm not Santa Claus; I don't cata-
logue countries in terms of
"naughty" and "nice." I don't mess
around; everybody gets blessed. I
don't play favorites. Period. And
another thing-
FRANK: I'm sorry, God, but
that's all the time we have for today
GOD: - a whole bunch of peo-
ple are about to starve to death!
Actual people with kids and
headaches and laundry and-
FRANK: Again, we'd like to
thank God for being with us today-
GOD: Wait! Wait! I wasn't
FRANK: -- and may he bless
America.
GOD: Aaaarrrrggggghhhh!
FRANK: Rod?
ANCHOR: Thank you, Frank.
And thank you, God. What a fasci-
nating perspective. Coming up this
hour: Anthrax: Coming soon to a
closed ventilation system near you!
Also, a look at Osama bin Laden's
heavily guarded dental records and a
bleak report on the state of airport
security. But first, this cinematic
sequence involving billowing flags,
presidential mugs and patriotic
sound bites. And then a word from
our sponsor. Stay tuned.
Aubrey Henretty can be reached via
e-mail at ahenrett@umich.edu.
MADISON - In a season of close
calls and bizarre endings, Michigan
(6-1 Big Ten, 8-2 overall) squeaked
by Wisconsin (3-4, 5-6), 20-17 to
remain tied with Illinois atop the Big
Ten.
With the score tied at 17,
Michigan lined up to punt on fourth-
and-10 after taking a delay of game
penalty and letting the clock wind
down to 24 seconds.
On the Hayden Epstein punt,
Wisconsin put everyone on the line
rather than put a returner back to
receive the punt. But downfield on
the Wisconsin 15-yard line, the ball
bounced off the Badgers' Brett Bell,
who was defending Brandon
Williams. Quickly aware of the situ-
ation, Williams picked up the ball
and ran into the endzone.
Bell claimed he did not know that
the Badgers were not planning on
returning the punt.
"I wasn't informed. They just said
'punt return' and I went out there,"
Bell said.
Unbeknownst to Williams, the ball
cannot be advanced on such a play in
college football.
"I knew that if the ball hit the jam-
BCS hopes
dashed 1by-2
COLUMBUS (AP) - Kurt Kittner
led No. 12 Illinois to a comeback victo-
ry for the fourth game in a row as the
Illini beat No. 25 Ohio State
34-22 to remain in the hunt for their
first Big Ten title since 1990.
Illinois (6-1 Big Ten, 9-1 overall),
which won its sixth in a row since losing
to Michigan, can clinch at least a share
of the conference title with a victory at
home next week against Northwestern.
Ohio State (4-3, 6-4), which needed
to win its last two games to do no worse
than tie for the title, lost in its first game
in almost three seasons without Steve
Bellisari at quarterback. Bellisari was
suspended indefinitely Friday after his
arrest on two counts of drunken driving.
Kittner completed 18 of 28 passes for
274 yards and two touchdowns with one
interception. He had led the Illini back
from early deficits in victories over
Wisconsin, Purdue and Penn State in
their last three games.
Kittner was 4-of-6 for 51 yards in an
80-yard drive that ended with Carey
Davis' one-yard touchdown run early in
the fourth quarter that gave Illinois the
lead for good at 27-22.
By Jeff Phillips
Daily Sports Editor
mer you could pick it up - I
thought I could score," Williams
said.
The play set up a game-winning
field goal by Epstein that narrowly
flew inside the left goal post.
"It was a little too close for com-
fort, but the ref's arms went up and
gave us three," Epstein said.
Wisconsin had a chance to go up
by three just a minute earlier, but
kicker Mark Neuser just missed a
36-yard field goal wide right to give
the ball back to Michigan. Neuser is
7-of-10 in field goals on the season.
The Badgers' defense dominated
the Wolverines the entire game, but
especially in the second half, in
which Michigan managed just 54
yards of total offense. It was statisti-
cally Michigan's worst offensive
game of the season after averaging
373 yards per game in the previous
nine games.
The Wolverines' Marquise Walker
was held to just four catches for 14
yards while quarterback John
Navarre was just 11-for-24, good for
only 58. He also threw a touchdown
and an interception.
"When they make it impossible
for you to run it, you have be able to
throw it and our biggest problem
today is that we just couldn't throw
it," Michigan coach Lloyd Carr said.
Miscues on special teams plagued
the Badgers for the entire game and
allowed the Wolverines to put points
on the board on a subpar offensive
day. Ten of Michigan's 17 points
were the result of blocked punts.
"Special teams contributed a great
deal. We put a lot of time and effort
into all aspects," Epstein said. "The
punt blocking has just been incredi-
ble this year."
With the score tied at seven, fresh-
man cornerback Marlin Jackson ran
in untouched to block a Wisconsin
punt and return it 43 yards for the
touchdown. The Wolverines also
kicked a field goal after a one-hand-
ed punt block by Walker gave them
the ball on the Badgers' five-yard
line. On the possession, a B.J.
Askew touchdown was called back
after a holding penalty.
Michigan's first touchdown came
in the first quarter on a 50-yard
drive that resulted in a play-action
pass to tight end Deitan Dubuc from
one yard out.
By contrast, the two Wisconsin
touchdowns came at the end of dri-
ves of 80 and 71 yards. The Badgers
were led by running back Anthony
Davis, who rushed for 103 yards and
a touchdown.
Wisconsin's Scott Starks helped in s
game last Saturday.
Wisconsin also suffered from
inability to pass the ball. It gair
133 yards in the air and its leadi
receiver, Lee Evans, had just thr
catches for 31 yards.
With the loss, Wisconsin cani
go to a bowl game for the first ti:
since 1995.
For Michigan, the Big Ten ti
V LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Faithful Daily
reader reflects
on Thanksgiving
TO THE DAILY:
Another Thanksgiving is almost
upon us, and there's much for me to
be thankful for, even though the fall
has been terrible and sad in many
ways.
I'll take a break from thinking
about that until at least Saturday.
Michigan Daily, thank you for
giving me someone to write to
every weekday in my rather dreary
office, for printing two of my let-
ters, for running "The Boondocks"
and for the coupons. Also, it's nice
to know what movies are playing.
Richard Linklater, thank you for
making "Waking Life." I really
enjoyed it.
Thank you Buzz Alexander for
giving me a job that I care about.
Thank you. National Endowment for
the Arts for funding said job.
To the writers and editors of The
Onion, thank you for being you.
Thank you to Pinball Pete's for
keeping pinball available to the
masses here in Ann Arbor. I had no
idea how scarce pinball had become
everywhere else.
Thank you to Built to Spill for
playing "Free Bird" in its entirety at
their Detroit show. An unexpected
treat.
Thank you to everyone who held
a door open for me, and to all those
who thankel me in a -clear voice
when I held the door for them,
rather than muttering something
unintelligible while avoiding eye
contact.
Thanks to all those who bought
me beers. Enablers are beautiful.
Thank you to the people of
Armenia, Uzbekistan, Kyrgy zstan
and Turkey, who made me feel very
much at home, several taxi drivers
and all Aeroflot employees except-
ed.
Thanks to anyone who gave me
a lift anywhere. Once I buy a decent
car, I'll start returning the favor
more.
Thanks to everyone who dis-
agrees with me, but listened until
I'd finished what I was saying.
Thanks to Jerry Falwell, for stat-
ing clearly the ugly opinions that
most of his comrades know enough
to keep to themselves.
Thanks to all honestly striving
to make things better for people.
Enjoy your turkey.
JESSE JANNETTA
Alumnus
It wasn't all Kittner, however. The
Illini picked up important points on
defense and special teams.
They opened the scoring just one
minute into the game when Dwayne
Smith blocked Andy Groom's punt and
Jamaal Clark picked it up for a two-yard
touchdown return.
Ohio State, with Scott McMullen and
Craig Krenzel combining to go 15-qf-36
passing for 206 yards and two touch-
downs with two interceptions, still trailed
27-22 after taking over on a downed punt
at its own two-yard line with 5:23 left.
On first down, however, Krenzel had
his view blocked by leaping defensive
tackle Jeff Ruffin. Krenzel's pass into
the right flat for Michael Jenkins was
picked off by linebacker Ty Myers, who
returned it five yards and dived into the
end zone for the insurance touchdown.
Bellisari was arrested early Friday
morning on two counts of drunken dri-
ving and two minor traffic violations.
As the Buckeyes' starting quarterback
the last 31 games, Ohio State was 19-12.
He had completed 70 percent of his
passes the past two weeks as the
Buckeyes won both games to draw with-
in a game of first place Illinois and
Michigan in the Big Ten.
Ohio State athletics director Andy
Geiger said Friday that Bellisari would
not attend the game. Prior to the kickoff,
the team's seniors were introduced to the
Ohio Stadium-record crowd of 104,407.
Bellisari, a two-year captain, did not
have his name announced.
AP PHOTO
Ohio State's Jonathan Wells had a tremendous game in the Buckeyes 34-22 loss.