8B - The Michigan Daily - FOOTBALL SATURDAY - Wednesday, November 21, 2001 Gibke 3ciwxTh 420 MAYNARD STREET ANN ARBOR, MI 48109 daily. letters@umich.edu Waging war on wars waged AUBREY HENRETTYm, :nOPlCA The Michigan Daily - FooTBALL SATURDAY - ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE Special teams cover offnesmistakes in EDITED AND MANAGED BY STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SINCE 1890 GEOFFREY GAGNON Editor in Chief MICHAEL GRASS NICHOLAS WOOMER Editorial Page Editors Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the najority of the Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily. It has come to our attention that Daily colum- niist/village idiot Aubrey lHenretty has yet to com- nent publicly on the Sept. 11 ter- 2 irorist attacks. We apologize for her insensitivity. Out of respect for the dead, this week' scolumn -titled "Cheese in a can: It's all about technique" -- will not be seen at this time. Instead, here's something a bit more socially relevant cour- tesy of a prominent cable news channel. So just sit back, relax and let your l.Q. rise ... A NNOUNCER: You're watching DNN's special coverage of the downfall of humanity. The Doom News Network: All terror, all the time. Rely on DNN. ANCHOR: Welcome back to DNN's extended coverage of the War on Dirty Foreigners Who Wish to Kill and Eat Our Children. I'm Rod Grimly. Making headlines today, bio-terrorism: Could the nation's supply of animal crackers be next? Also, on the economic front, Dow Jones spokesman and investor Rich Whitey has confirmed to DNN that the stock market has, quote, "officially gone to shit." To make ends meet, Whitey said he may be forced to shut down three of his Mexican sweatshops, leaving hundreds of malnourished Spanish- speaking children out of work. But more on that in a moment. First, let's go to Frank Stern in studio 13 for a DNN exclusive interview. Frank? FRANK: Thanks, Rod. I'm here with creation's foremost authority on doom, the almighty God himself. Thank you so much for talking with us today, Your Holiness. I know you must have a lot on your mind right now. GOD: Don't mention it. And please, call me God; I can't stand euphemisms. FRANK: No, of course not. No beating around the bush. We'll cut right to the chase. Is there any truth to the rumors that the Sept. 11 attacks were apocalyptic in nature? Is this, you know, it? Should the human race be preparing for the end of the world? GOD: You want me to tell you when the apocalypse is going to happen? Ha. ha. What would be the fun in that? I will tell you, though, that leveling buildings isn't really my style. I'm more of a floods and fires kind of guy, myself. Brimstone, too. I'm a fan of brim- stone. FRANK: What is brimstone, exactly? GOD: Didn't you ever take chemistry? FRANK: No, I was a communi- cations major. GOD: Sulfur. It's just another word for sulfur. Anyway, like I was saying, I had nothing to do with that mess. Sure. Americans are material- istic, selfish and empirically unintel- ligent, but they pay for that in other ways. FRANK: What do you mean, "other ways?" GOD: Oh, you know ... Starbucks, "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire." the Olsen twinse the fashion industry, Carrot Top, World Championship Wrestling, .Jerry Falwell ... FRANK: Have you spoken to .Jerry Falwell? GOD: No. FRANK: You said you take no responsibility for the dastardly Sept. I1 attacks. Don't you feel at least partly responsible? The terrorists did seem to think you were on their side. GOD: Oh, you're one to talk about assigning me a side! Everywhere I go in this country, it's "one nation under God this" this and "God bless America" that. Is that a request or a command? Huh? What makes you little peons think I'm rooting for you? FRANK: Ah, well, I - GOD: Is that all I am to you? Fodder for your tragedy graphics? I mean, not that I'm opposed to the idea of blessing America per se, but you make it sound like I have to choose between blessing it and crushing it with my benevolent fist, the way you supercilious snots have been doing with Afghanistan. Look, I'm not Santa Claus; I don't cata- logue countries in terms of "naughty" and "nice." I don't mess around; everybody gets blessed. I don't play favorites. Period. And another thing- FRANK: I'm sorry, God, but that's all the time we have for today GOD: - a whole bunch of peo- ple are about to starve to death! Actual people with kids and headaches and laundry and- FRANK: Again, we'd like to thank God for being with us today- GOD: Wait! Wait! I wasn't FRANK: -- and may he bless America. GOD: Aaaarrrrggggghhhh! FRANK: Rod? ANCHOR: Thank you, Frank. And thank you, God. What a fasci- nating perspective. Coming up this hour: Anthrax: Coming soon to a closed ventilation system near you! Also, a look at Osama bin Laden's heavily guarded dental records and a bleak report on the state of airport security. But first, this cinematic sequence involving billowing flags, presidential mugs and patriotic sound bites. And then a word from our sponsor. Stay tuned. Aubrey Henretty can be reached via e-mail at ahenrett@umich.edu. MADISON - In a season of close calls and bizarre endings, Michigan (6-1 Big Ten, 8-2 overall) squeaked by Wisconsin (3-4, 5-6), 20-17 to remain tied with Illinois atop the Big Ten. With the score tied at 17, Michigan lined up to punt on fourth- and-10 after taking a delay of game penalty and letting the clock wind down to 24 seconds. On the Hayden Epstein punt, Wisconsin put everyone on the line rather than put a returner back to receive the punt. But downfield on the Wisconsin 15-yard line, the ball bounced off the Badgers' Brett Bell, who was defending Brandon Williams. Quickly aware of the situ- ation, Williams picked up the ball and ran into the endzone. Bell claimed he did not know that the Badgers were not planning on returning the punt. "I wasn't informed. They just said 'punt return' and I went out there," Bell said. Unbeknownst to Williams, the ball cannot be advanced on such a play in college football. "I knew that if the ball hit the jam- BCS hopes dashed 1by-2 COLUMBUS (AP) - Kurt Kittner led No. 12 Illinois to a comeback victo- ry for the fourth game in a row as the Illini beat No. 25 Ohio State 34-22 to remain in the hunt for their first Big Ten title since 1990. Illinois (6-1 Big Ten, 9-1 overall), which won its sixth in a row since losing to Michigan, can clinch at least a share of the conference title with a victory at home next week against Northwestern. Ohio State (4-3, 6-4), which needed to win its last two games to do no worse than tie for the title, lost in its first game in almost three seasons without Steve Bellisari at quarterback. Bellisari was suspended indefinitely Friday after his arrest on two counts of drunken driving. Kittner completed 18 of 28 passes for 274 yards and two touchdowns with one interception. He had led the Illini back from early deficits in victories over Wisconsin, Purdue and Penn State in their last three games. Kittner was 4-of-6 for 51 yards in an 80-yard drive that ended with Carey Davis' one-yard touchdown run early in the fourth quarter that gave Illinois the lead for good at 27-22. By Jeff Phillips Daily Sports Editor mer you could pick it up - I thought I could score," Williams said. The play set up a game-winning field goal by Epstein that narrowly flew inside the left goal post. "It was a little too close for com- fort, but the ref's arms went up and gave us three," Epstein said. Wisconsin had a chance to go up by three just a minute earlier, but kicker Mark Neuser just missed a 36-yard field goal wide right to give the ball back to Michigan. Neuser is 7-of-10 in field goals on the season. The Badgers' defense dominated the Wolverines the entire game, but especially in the second half, in which Michigan managed just 54 yards of total offense. It was statisti- cally Michigan's worst offensive game of the season after averaging 373 yards per game in the previous nine games. The Wolverines' Marquise Walker was held to just four catches for 14 yards while quarterback John Navarre was just 11-for-24, good for only 58. He also threw a touchdown and an interception. "When they make it impossible for you to run it, you have be able to throw it and our biggest problem today is that we just couldn't throw it," Michigan coach Lloyd Carr said. Miscues on special teams plagued the Badgers for the entire game and allowed the Wolverines to put points on the board on a subpar offensive day. Ten of Michigan's 17 points were the result of blocked punts. "Special teams contributed a great deal. We put a lot of time and effort into all aspects," Epstein said. "The punt blocking has just been incredi- ble this year." With the score tied at seven, fresh- man cornerback Marlin Jackson ran in untouched to block a Wisconsin punt and return it 43 yards for the touchdown. The Wolverines also kicked a field goal after a one-hand- ed punt block by Walker gave them the ball on the Badgers' five-yard line. On the possession, a B.J. Askew touchdown was called back after a holding penalty. Michigan's first touchdown came in the first quarter on a 50-yard drive that resulted in a play-action pass to tight end Deitan Dubuc from one yard out. By contrast, the two Wisconsin touchdowns came at the end of dri- ves of 80 and 71 yards. The Badgers were led by running back Anthony Davis, who rushed for 103 yards and a touchdown. Wisconsin's Scott Starks helped in s game last Saturday. Wisconsin also suffered from inability to pass the ball. It gair 133 yards in the air and its leadi receiver, Lee Evans, had just thr catches for 31 yards. With the loss, Wisconsin cani go to a bowl game for the first ti: since 1995. For Michigan, the Big Ten ti V LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Faithful Daily reader reflects on Thanksgiving TO THE DAILY: Another Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and there's much for me to be thankful for, even though the fall has been terrible and sad in many ways. I'll take a break from thinking about that until at least Saturday. Michigan Daily, thank you for giving me someone to write to every weekday in my rather dreary office, for printing two of my let- ters, for running "The Boondocks" and for the coupons. Also, it's nice to know what movies are playing. Richard Linklater, thank you for making "Waking Life." I really enjoyed it. Thank you Buzz Alexander for giving me a job that I care about. Thank you. National Endowment for the Arts for funding said job. To the writers and editors of The Onion, thank you for being you. Thank you to Pinball Pete's for keeping pinball available to the masses here in Ann Arbor. I had no idea how scarce pinball had become everywhere else. Thank you to Built to Spill for playing "Free Bird" in its entirety at their Detroit show. An unexpected treat. Thank you to everyone who held a door open for me, and to all those who thankel me in a -clear voice when I held the door for them, rather than muttering something unintelligible while avoiding eye contact. Thanks to all those who bought me beers. Enablers are beautiful. Thank you to the people of Armenia, Uzbekistan, Kyrgy zstan and Turkey, who made me feel very much at home, several taxi drivers and all Aeroflot employees except- ed. Thanks to anyone who gave me a lift anywhere. Once I buy a decent car, I'll start returning the favor more. Thanks to everyone who dis- agrees with me, but listened until I'd finished what I was saying. Thanks to Jerry Falwell, for stat- ing clearly the ugly opinions that most of his comrades know enough to keep to themselves. Thanks to all honestly striving to make things better for people. Enjoy your turkey. JESSE JANNETTA Alumnus It wasn't all Kittner, however. The Illini picked up important points on defense and special teams. They opened the scoring just one minute into the game when Dwayne Smith blocked Andy Groom's punt and Jamaal Clark picked it up for a two-yard touchdown return. Ohio State, with Scott McMullen and Craig Krenzel combining to go 15-qf-36 passing for 206 yards and two touch- downs with two interceptions, still trailed 27-22 after taking over on a downed punt at its own two-yard line with 5:23 left. On first down, however, Krenzel had his view blocked by leaping defensive tackle Jeff Ruffin. Krenzel's pass into the right flat for Michael Jenkins was picked off by linebacker Ty Myers, who returned it five yards and dived into the end zone for the insurance touchdown. Bellisari was arrested early Friday morning on two counts of drunken dri- ving and two minor traffic violations. As the Buckeyes' starting quarterback the last 31 games, Ohio State was 19-12. He had completed 70 percent of his passes the past two weeks as the Buckeyes won both games to draw with- in a game of first place Illinois and Michigan in the Big Ten. Ohio State athletics director Andy Geiger said Friday that Bellisari would not attend the game. Prior to the kickoff, the team's seniors were introduced to the Ohio Stadium-record crowd of 104,407. Bellisari, a two-year captain, did not have his name announced. AP PHOTO Ohio State's Jonathan Wells had a tremendous game in the Buckeyes 34-22 loss.