12B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, September 20, 2001 -
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The Wlfhigan Daily - Weekendtc. Magazine - T
FROM FAT SLOB TO GOLDEN GOD: ONE MAN'S JOURNEY
FOR A BITCHIN' PARTY, JUST ADD A LITTLI
Itused to bother me when people would stare.
I would become aware of a steady gaze (usually
coming from a female) and think "Well, far be it
from me to pass judgment on others, but that's
more than rude." Eventually, it became apparent
that it wasn't some deformity or temporary abnor-
mality in appearance (i.e., an "unzipped fly" or
"playing cards stuck to forehead") that warranted
such smoldering looks in my direction, but my
tremendously well sculpted, almost god-like
physique. Truly, I have the body of some modern-
day mortal incarnatibn of Zeus (the mythological
Greek deity, not the ex-WWF wrestler who
appeared as Deebo in the movie "Friday"). You
may not be able to tell from the picture, but below
the neck I'm quite breathtaking. Or so I've been
told. Lots of times.
Many of my friends, and many of those hoping
to be my friends (again, usually female), have
.asked me what my secret is. I usually tell them
that there is no secret; that such aesthetic abun-
dance is surely a gift from a Higher Power, unable
to be delivered or conducted from person to per-
son. After the hearty laughter subsides (that line
always kills), I tell them the truth. The secret is
this:
I run.
I usually don't like to talk about my past (way
too many skeletons), but I will share this with
you. I was a very heavy child. There were pho-
tographs that could prove this, but I had them all
destroyed, years and years ago. At the age of 16,
after my second angioplasty, I decided to really
try and keep the weight off, for good this time. A
- friend of mine (one of the very few I had in those
days) suggested running as a way to "get fit."
Grudgingly, I strapped on and velcroed snug my
dusty old irregular-width gym shoes and left the
house, seeing if I could jog down the street with-
out throwing up or passing
out. I didn't succeed on
either count, but I didn't see
this as a failure. No sir. I saw
it as a challenge.
Well I totally feel like I'm
rambling so I'll skip the
middle of this story, which
admittedly, isn't very inter-
m.>esting. Suffice it to say that I
never stopped running. For
>=A some reason, morning jogs
Ben around the neighborhood
three or four times a week
Goldstein were something I could stick
S ICW with. As my stamina grew, so
did my confidence, and as
the pounds poured off of my
frame, my true body began to emerge, an awe-
inspiring form that centuries ago might have been
commemorated in several epic poems. Gone was
the sad, portly little boy who the other boys called
"barrel-ass" and who the girls never called at all.
(As you could have probably guessed, all this
I've written is simply a long-winded introduction
for one of those "list" columns. You know, the ones
where Daily columnists, in lieu of constructing a
compelling and multi-faceted argument involving
a pertinent issue affecting students or some kind of
social critique, take the easy way out, instead
introducing a set-up and spending the rest of the
column listing possible punch lines. I'm sure you
know what I'm talking about. It's columnist
autopilot. Anyway, that's what I plan on doing until
I run out of space.)
I pass by a lot of other runners during my morn-
ing constitutionals, and believe me, there are some
real characters out there. I'm not of the kind who
greets his fellow runners with a friendly nod or
"hey." I'm more the kind who purposely avoids eye
contact. But aside from this, morning runners usu-
ally fall into the following categories:
The Old Man: This runner doesn't so much run
as kind of shamble down the street in a bathrobe.
He's trying to keep fit in his old age (forty or
older), perhaps for the sake of some mistress that
he hides from his long-suffering wife and ungrate-
ful children, but it's obvious that he's got one foot
in the grave and the other on a patch of ice.
The Sorority Girl: This runner can never be
found without her water bottle or vomit on her
shirt. She gives these sickeningly-obvious "come
hither" looks to every male runner she passes,
which is dreadfully embarrassing for everyone
involved.
The Fat Guy: There is no funnier sight than to
watch this disgusting tub of shit wheeze and gurgle
his way from his front yard to what is most likely
Wendy's. It gives my heart great joy. Many of you
might say "But Ben, weren't you once like him?"
Yes, I was, and did I get anything but ridicule back
then? No. But you expect ine to have more com-
passion when the irregular-width Velcro-action
gym shoe is on the other foot? I'm afraid not, my
friends and neighbors.
The Hippie: This runner usually runs- from the
cops, most frequently as the result of drug posses-
sion, but what he is really running from is the
opportunity to be a contributing member of soci-
ety, with "morals," and "employment." An over-
powering stench and visible cloud of filth usually
trails him when he runs, much like Pigpen, Charlie
Brown's impoverished orphan friend from the old
"Peanuts" comic strips.
Tourette's Syndrome Girl: Who hasn't been
unjustly brought out of sleep by this runner's yelp-
ing dog-like stream of high-pitched profanity?
Why the young lady thinks it wise to take her exer-
cise before sunrise, when most people are still
rightfully enjoying the downy comforts of their
beds, especially when she suffers from a condition
that compels her to continuously shout obsceni-
ties, is certainly beyond me.
Effeminate Boy: This runner's trademark minc-
ing gait and wild, flailing limp wrists are unmis-
takable, and produce a kind of melancholia in
those who look upon him. Oh Effeminate Boy, will
you ever arrive at your desired destination?
Well I think that covers all of them. Running is
so much fun, and it's so good for your body, mind
and soul, that I would recommend it to anyone
reading this column right now. Tomorrow morn-
ing, I want you all to put on some running shoes
and jog around the block. It'll get your heart rate
up, get the blood circulating, and you'll find that
you have more energy during the day and can
stay awake during classes tomorrow (if you're
one of those Freshmen who have Friday classes;
and if so, my condolences). And don't be sur-
prised if you come across a runner on your trip
whose body seems to be crafted out of solid mar-
ble, whose very appearance causes you to
become weak with awe, jealousy, desire, or a
combination of two or more of the aforemen-
tioned.
See you at the finish line!
- Ben "bjgoldst@umich.edu" Goldstein can
run a mile in six minutes. How about you?
Kissing summer goodbye is one of the hardest obstacles
that Michigan students have to face. Not only does the onset of
fall promise colder, harsher days, but it also brings the spree of
beachy parties and nights of inebriated bliss to a homework-
laden halt.
Well, the beachy parties definitely end. And Welcome Week
is just about the final chance to be dazed and confused.
Following this comes the onslaught of
anal professors, the daily routine of
waking up before noon and coursepacks
with incredibly small print.
Grasping that fall is not summer is a
disappointment I face annually. While
there are apples and mad Halloween
costume parties to look forward to,
October is decidedly less exciting than
June. For example, the sun comes out in
June. There is an ice cream truck in
June. And June has cool-ass parties.
October in Ann Arbor does not offer
these things.
I sympathize with the naive reader
who, until this point, has been unable to
recapture those balmy days now past.
This reader has not yet realized his or
her full summery party potential. So, for
those of you in need of a makeover for
those nippy Friday nights, here is a list
time party favors that you can use to
October get-together to an all-out bash.
hope that a dream date will be waiting, half-naked, at the
swingin' destination. Another way to minimize clothing is to
call the party a luau or have a toga party. Taking a cue from the
classic film Animal House, this classic is an opportunity to
have fun and meet people in a suitably scandalous costume.
The sheet is already provided, so immediately you are halfway
there. Any of these above courses of action will considerably
diminish the amount of barrier clothing.
Somehow water is always involved in the warmer months.
You've got the Pacific Ocean. You've got Lake Michigan.
You've got the Huron River. People will get wet. In the winter,
if people are wet, it is because they had to wade through a foot
of slush to get to their destination of choice. In the summer
everyone is always drenched by choice. Unfortunately, there
are only a few water-related schemes that I can recall which
still work in the fall. One involves a hose. Another involves
squirt guns filled with water alternatives. Some people might
say, "Hey! Get a hot tub for your party." Do not listen to these
people. They are wrong. Remember everything your mother
ever said about the unsanitary nature of college. Multiply that
by 10, add some obscure bodily fluids, and you have a hot tub
party. We do not know what or, more importantly, who, has
been (Well, what are you technically supposed to do?) "sitting"
in a hot tub. There is always the IM building, I guess. Or a
shower. Hmmm.
People are tan in the summer. You should be tan, too. We all
know that in order to get any play at all, you must have that "I
spend at least 2 hours a day in the sun" glow. This effect can be
achieved through: a) lots and lots of bronze; b) a package to the
salon Tanfastic, which is conveniently located right off of
Packard or c) Coppertone Sunless Tanning Cream, which is
available at the Meijer conglomerate that we all know and love.
Your chances for summer-esque action will greatly increase if
you look appropriately sporty. Just think of "Baywatch." Not
only are all of the actors and actresses tan, but they also all
have mad amounts of hook-ups and parties. And "Baywatch"
was the most popular TV show in the planet for over a decade.
Being that the media is such an influence on society, everyone
who has ever seen "Baywatch" will be inclined to follow suit.
Then again, the mass public appeal might just have been David
Hasselhoff.
People have no real resp
have jobs. We travel. We g
responsibilities" attitude
atmosphere of a party. Win
one who returns knows th
"Don Quixote" and then d
within the next day. Thus,
and boring at the party. E
alchoholic beverages, the t
ing around the corner wi
friendliness of all party att
the intolerable thought of!n
... ever. This way, there are
of the grade you will reci
turned in.
People need less alcoho
active and therefore, more
the water out of your brain
in the summer. Swim. Run
so low that even Prince co
who throw the party spend
hol, so there is less recox
fewer brain cells lost. Han
can avoid winter toleranc
before the party. Maybe c
marathon. Disguise the ac
thing cool, like Frisbee. D
the party. This will set you
state as that of even the h
these activities don't quite
buy an extra keg in the col
running out of alcohol wot
Remember, kids, when y
don't drink unless you are a
thing that says that you are
mean. And if your winter pa
absolutely rock your worlc
University of Hawaii.
- Ifyou have an in
responses to this coli
Sarah
Rubin
Pieces of
Flair
of essential summer-
convert your boring
Summer is warm. Your party needs to be warm. Hot environ-
ments are conducive to fewer clothes. Now, you may be asking
yourself, "What can I do to achieve that humid, muggy feel in
my house, apartment or dorm room?" Luckily, you've come to
the right column. You can: use space heaters effectively; turn
on all stoves, toaster ovens and clothes dryers; close windows
and course, close all doors. Presto! It is now a sauna in your
very own living quarters. People will be stripping in no time at
all. Less clothing is equivalent to more sex. And we all know
that somewhere in the heart of every party-hopping co-ed is the
I
Attention
CHORAL SINGERS
You are invited to join the
University Musical Society
CHORAL UNION
Thomas Sheets, conductor
2001-2002 Season
Handel: Messiah Ann Arbor SO
Ives: Symphony No. 4 San Francisco SO
Brahms: German Requiem Ann Arbor SO
Beethoven: Missa Solemnis Detroit SO
The UMS Choral Union does it all!
Under the leadership of Thomas Sheets,
the 135-voice Choral Union appears
regularly in Ann Arbor with major
orchestras and conductors in critically
acclaimed performances of choral
masterworks. The 72-voice Concert Choir
performs music of other genres; and our
24-voice Chamber Chorale will appear
this season in a joint concert with the
internationally famed Tallis Scholars.
Contact us now for information about
our singer-friendly auditions. Rehearsals
are held in the U-M Modern Language
Building, Auditorium #4, on Monday
evenings from 7:00 - 9:30 p.m.
Come sing with us!
Office: 734.763.8997
E-mail: choralunion@umich.edu
Website:www.ums.org/choralunion.html
Don't miss the 6th annual.
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conservation effo
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U-M Solar Car . Th!nkB
*bring your own AFV (you bike) to
Live Music! " Prize
Sponsored by...
the Utilities and Plai
and the Oenter for Su
at the University of y