12B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, September 20, 2001 - ! I 1w The Wlfhigan Daily - Weekendtc. Magazine - T FROM FAT SLOB TO GOLDEN GOD: ONE MAN'S JOURNEY FOR A BITCHIN' PARTY, JUST ADD A LITTLI Itused to bother me when people would stare. I would become aware of a steady gaze (usually coming from a female) and think "Well, far be it from me to pass judgment on others, but that's more than rude." Eventually, it became apparent that it wasn't some deformity or temporary abnor- mality in appearance (i.e., an "unzipped fly" or "playing cards stuck to forehead") that warranted such smoldering looks in my direction, but my tremendously well sculpted, almost god-like physique. Truly, I have the body of some modern- day mortal incarnatibn of Zeus (the mythological Greek deity, not the ex-WWF wrestler who appeared as Deebo in the movie "Friday"). You may not be able to tell from the picture, but below the neck I'm quite breathtaking. Or so I've been told. Lots of times. Many of my friends, and many of those hoping to be my friends (again, usually female), have .asked me what my secret is. I usually tell them that there is no secret; that such aesthetic abun- dance is surely a gift from a Higher Power, unable to be delivered or conducted from person to per- son. After the hearty laughter subsides (that line always kills), I tell them the truth. The secret is this: I run. I usually don't like to talk about my past (way too many skeletons), but I will share this with you. I was a very heavy child. There were pho- tographs that could prove this, but I had them all destroyed, years and years ago. At the age of 16, after my second angioplasty, I decided to really try and keep the weight off, for good this time. A - friend of mine (one of the very few I had in those days) suggested running as a way to "get fit." Grudgingly, I strapped on and velcroed snug my dusty old irregular-width gym shoes and left the house, seeing if I could jog down the street with- out throwing up or passing out. I didn't succeed on either count, but I didn't see this as a failure. No sir. I saw it as a challenge. Well I totally feel like I'm rambling so I'll skip the middle of this story, which admittedly, isn't very inter- m.>esting. Suffice it to say that I never stopped running. For >=A some reason, morning jogs Ben around the neighborhood three or four times a week Goldstein were something I could stick S ICW with. As my stamina grew, so did my confidence, and as the pounds poured off of my frame, my true body began to emerge, an awe- inspiring form that centuries ago might have been commemorated in several epic poems. Gone was the sad, portly little boy who the other boys called "barrel-ass" and who the girls never called at all. (As you could have probably guessed, all this I've written is simply a long-winded introduction for one of those "list" columns. You know, the ones where Daily columnists, in lieu of constructing a compelling and multi-faceted argument involving a pertinent issue affecting students or some kind of social critique, take the easy way out, instead introducing a set-up and spending the rest of the column listing possible punch lines. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It's columnist autopilot. Anyway, that's what I plan on doing until I run out of space.) I pass by a lot of other runners during my morn- ing constitutionals, and believe me, there are some real characters out there. I'm not of the kind who greets his fellow runners with a friendly nod or "hey." I'm more the kind who purposely avoids eye contact. But aside from this, morning runners usu- ally fall into the following categories: The Old Man: This runner doesn't so much run as kind of shamble down the street in a bathrobe. He's trying to keep fit in his old age (forty or older), perhaps for the sake of some mistress that he hides from his long-suffering wife and ungrate- ful children, but it's obvious that he's got one foot in the grave and the other on a patch of ice. The Sorority Girl: This runner can never be found without her water bottle or vomit on her shirt. She gives these sickeningly-obvious "come hither" looks to every male runner she passes, which is dreadfully embarrassing for everyone involved. The Fat Guy: There is no funnier sight than to watch this disgusting tub of shit wheeze and gurgle his way from his front yard to what is most likely Wendy's. It gives my heart great joy. Many of you might say "But Ben, weren't you once like him?" Yes, I was, and did I get anything but ridicule back then? No. But you expect ine to have more com- passion when the irregular-width Velcro-action gym shoe is on the other foot? I'm afraid not, my friends and neighbors. The Hippie: This runner usually runs- from the cops, most frequently as the result of drug posses- sion, but what he is really running from is the opportunity to be a contributing member of soci- ety, with "morals," and "employment." An over- powering stench and visible cloud of filth usually trails him when he runs, much like Pigpen, Charlie Brown's impoverished orphan friend from the old "Peanuts" comic strips. Tourette's Syndrome Girl: Who hasn't been unjustly brought out of sleep by this runner's yelp- ing dog-like stream of high-pitched profanity? Why the young lady thinks it wise to take her exer- cise before sunrise, when most people are still rightfully enjoying the downy comforts of their beds, especially when she suffers from a condition that compels her to continuously shout obsceni- ties, is certainly beyond me. Effeminate Boy: This runner's trademark minc- ing gait and wild, flailing limp wrists are unmis- takable, and produce a kind of melancholia in those who look upon him. Oh Effeminate Boy, will you ever arrive at your desired destination? Well I think that covers all of them. Running is so much fun, and it's so good for your body, mind and soul, that I would recommend it to anyone reading this column right now. Tomorrow morn- ing, I want you all to put on some running shoes and jog around the block. It'll get your heart rate up, get the blood circulating, and you'll find that you have more energy during the day and can stay awake during classes tomorrow (if you're one of those Freshmen who have Friday classes; and if so, my condolences). And don't be sur- prised if you come across a runner on your trip whose body seems to be crafted out of solid mar- ble, whose very appearance causes you to become weak with awe, jealousy, desire, or a combination of two or more of the aforemen- tioned. See you at the finish line! - Ben "bjgoldst@umich.edu" Goldstein can run a mile in six minutes. How about you? Kissing summer goodbye is one of the hardest obstacles that Michigan students have to face. Not only does the onset of fall promise colder, harsher days, but it also brings the spree of beachy parties and nights of inebriated bliss to a homework- laden halt. Well, the beachy parties definitely end. And Welcome Week is just about the final chance to be dazed and confused. Following this comes the onslaught of anal professors, the daily routine of waking up before noon and coursepacks with incredibly small print. Grasping that fall is not summer is a disappointment I face annually. While there are apples and mad Halloween costume parties to look forward to, October is decidedly less exciting than June. For example, the sun comes out in June. There is an ice cream truck in June. And June has cool-ass parties. October in Ann Arbor does not offer these things. I sympathize with the naive reader who, until this point, has been unable to recapture those balmy days now past. This reader has not yet realized his or her full summery party potential. So, for those of you in need of a makeover for those nippy Friday nights, here is a list time party favors that you can use to October get-together to an all-out bash. hope that a dream date will be waiting, half-naked, at the swingin' destination. Another way to minimize clothing is to call the party a luau or have a toga party. Taking a cue from the classic film Animal House, this classic is an opportunity to have fun and meet people in a suitably scandalous costume. The sheet is already provided, so immediately you are halfway there. Any of these above courses of action will considerably diminish the amount of barrier clothing. Somehow water is always involved in the warmer months. You've got the Pacific Ocean. You've got Lake Michigan. You've got the Huron River. People will get wet. In the winter, if people are wet, it is because they had to wade through a foot of slush to get to their destination of choice. In the summer everyone is always drenched by choice. Unfortunately, there are only a few water-related schemes that I can recall which still work in the fall. One involves a hose. Another involves squirt guns filled with water alternatives. Some people might say, "Hey! Get a hot tub for your party." Do not listen to these people. They are wrong. Remember everything your mother ever said about the unsanitary nature of college. Multiply that by 10, add some obscure bodily fluids, and you have a hot tub party. We do not know what or, more importantly, who, has been (Well, what are you technically supposed to do?) "sitting" in a hot tub. There is always the IM building, I guess. Or a shower. Hmmm. People are tan in the summer. You should be tan, too. We all know that in order to get any play at all, you must have that "I spend at least 2 hours a day in the sun" glow. This effect can be achieved through: a) lots and lots of bronze; b) a package to the salon Tanfastic, which is conveniently located right off of Packard or c) Coppertone Sunless Tanning Cream, which is available at the Meijer conglomerate that we all know and love. Your chances for summer-esque action will greatly increase if you look appropriately sporty. Just think of "Baywatch." Not only are all of the actors and actresses tan, but they also all have mad amounts of hook-ups and parties. And "Baywatch" was the most popular TV show in the planet for over a decade. Being that the media is such an influence on society, everyone who has ever seen "Baywatch" will be inclined to follow suit. Then again, the mass public appeal might just have been David Hasselhoff. People have no real resp have jobs. We travel. We g responsibilities" attitude atmosphere of a party. Win one who returns knows th "Don Quixote" and then d within the next day. Thus, and boring at the party. E alchoholic beverages, the t ing around the corner wi friendliness of all party att the intolerable thought of!n ... ever. This way, there are of the grade you will reci turned in. People need less alcoho active and therefore, more the water out of your brain in the summer. Swim. Run so low that even Prince co who throw the party spend hol, so there is less recox fewer brain cells lost. Han can avoid winter toleranc before the party. Maybe c marathon. Disguise the ac thing cool, like Frisbee. D the party. This will set you state as that of even the h these activities don't quite buy an extra keg in the col running out of alcohol wot Remember, kids, when y don't drink unless you are a thing that says that you are mean. And if your winter pa absolutely rock your worlc University of Hawaii. - Ifyou have an in responses to this coli Sarah Rubin Pieces of Flair of essential summer- convert your boring Summer is warm. Your party needs to be warm. Hot environ- ments are conducive to fewer clothes. Now, you may be asking yourself, "What can I do to achieve that humid, muggy feel in my house, apartment or dorm room?" Luckily, you've come to the right column. You can: use space heaters effectively; turn on all stoves, toaster ovens and clothes dryers; close windows and course, close all doors. Presto! It is now a sauna in your very own living quarters. People will be stripping in no time at all. Less clothing is equivalent to more sex. And we all know that somewhere in the heart of every party-hopping co-ed is the I Attention CHORAL SINGERS You are invited to join the University Musical Society CHORAL UNION Thomas Sheets, conductor 2001-2002 Season Handel: Messiah Ann Arbor SO Ives: Symphony No. 4 San Francisco SO Brahms: German Requiem Ann Arbor SO Beethoven: Missa Solemnis Detroit SO The UMS Choral Union does it all! Under the leadership of Thomas Sheets, the 135-voice Choral Union appears regularly in Ann Arbor with major orchestras and conductors in critically acclaimed performances of choral masterworks. The 72-voice Concert Choir performs music of other genres; and our 24-voice Chamber Chorale will appear this season in a joint concert with the internationally famed Tallis Scholars. Contact us now for information about our singer-friendly auditions. Rehearsals are held in the U-M Modern Language Building, Auditorium #4, on Monday evenings from 7:00 - 9:30 p.m. Come sing with us! Office: 734.763.8997 E-mail: choralunion@umich.edu Website:www.ums.org/choralunion.html Don't miss the 6th annual. 0 En mm 1ki a renewable energy biomass fuel cells conservation effo lighting a energy mana alternative fuel ve U-M Solar Car . Th!nkB *bring your own AFV (you bike) to Live Music! " Prize Sponsored by... the Utilities and Plai and the Oenter for Su at the University of y