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18B -- The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, April 12, 2001
10 fallacies all girls need to know
The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. M
And
the
winners
are
r
With my very own column, I figure I
should do a good deed for all of human-
ity and uncover all of the terrible falsities
girls believe during their first year at the
University. So all you freshmen girls,
and you upperclassmen too, take a
moment to soak up some advice from an
older, wiser soul.
10. Only the smartest kids in the
universe go to U of M. Ok, well if you
didn't learn the fallacy in this on your
first day of class when the person next to
you was counting the ceiling tiles in the
tile-less lecture hall, I don't know if I'll
be able to clear things up for you.
9. There is no escaping the
"Freshman 15." This lie has been
passed down from generation to genera-
tion, and basically what it boils down to
is this: The "Freshman 15" is a line your
mom gives all your nosy great-aunts
when they comment on how "volup-
tuous" you looked at Thanksgiving din-
ner. The truth is, you've been drinking
too many beers, and if you gave that up,
you'd lose 15 pounds in the first week-
end of your anti-beer diet. Although your
mom and your great-aunts know this is
true, girls still come into college thinking
freshman year equals baby got (lots of)
back.
8. Starting your papers ahead of
time is a good idea. This is definitely
not a good idea. All it does is make your
classmates that "work better under pres-
sure" feel like shit about themselves. If
you have a paper due on Thursday, here's
what you need to do: Wednesday night
around 8:30, go get yourself a 2-liter of
Mountain Dew. On second thought, get
yourself two 2-liters. Then, sit down at
your computer and start typing away.
You will end up with a coherent,
Hopwood-award winning masterpiece.
7. Fraternity boys are the hottest
boys on campus. I've been to a lot of
frat parties. I've checked out quite a lot
of the boys in the houses. They all look
the same: They're all dressed in North
Face jackets and those over-the-shoulder
backpacks. I need some type of variety,
or I get really, really bored. Girls, you'll
get bored too. Really, really bored.
6. Capri pants are cool. The first
time around, when they were called ped-
dle-pushers, they were really cool. The
second time around, when they were
introduced as "Capri pants" last spring,
they were sort of
cool. The third
time around, as in
this spring, they
are just not cool.
Please, I'm beg-
ging you all, can
we let them go
already???
5. Diet Coke is
a great place to
turn for pulling
all-nighters. You
can't be a wimp
when it comes to
all-nighters. You
can't worry about
things like ...
you know, calo-
Robyn
Melamed
All faie
for an evening ... tomorrow go back to
being friends" idea. Ok, confession time
is over. The truth of the matter is, he's
overplayed and over-loved. College stu-
dents are over-obsessed, and it's about
that time to stop the insanity.
2. Your R.A. will look like
"Felicity's"Noel Crane. On move-in
day Freshman year, I wore my tightest
jeans and a cleavage shirt. I had to be
prepared because hot male residential
advisors are always in charge of all-girl
floors at Bursley. To make a long, sad
story short, my R.A. ended up being a),
a girl, and b) a very religious one that
would rather see me in a plaid skirt and
white knee-highs than my hoochie
ensemble any day of the week.
1. When washing clothes, you
can't mix lights and darks. Before I
started college, my mom made up a
long list for me on the do's and dont's
of laundry. She instructed me to wash
all of my bras and underwear on a del-
icate cycle. She also instructed me to
never mix lights and darks. Girls, take
my mom's advice on the first thing.
She's a genius when it comes to bras.
But, seriously, who has the time or
money to wash lights and darks sepa-
rately? Half the time, you're only
doing laundry to get your booty pants
ready for Friday night, and you don't
have two full loads ready to be washed.
So go right ahead and throw your
booty pants in with your white socks.
What's the worst that can happen? You
can end up with socks that are slightly
gray, but your booty pants will be per-
fectly black. Plus, you saved yourself
the time of going back and forth to that
gross dorm laundry room, where, con-
trary to popular belief, there won't be a
helpless boy waiting for you to show
him how to do laundry.
-Robyn can be reached at rme-
lamed@umich.edu.
Best Restaurants:
Best Coffee: Cava Java
Best Ice Cream/Yogurt: Stucchi's
Best Bagels: Einstein Bagels
Best Burgers: Blimpy Burgers
Best Hot Dogs: Red Hot Lovers
Best Wings: Mr. Spots
Best Salads: Pizza House
Best Chipatis: Pizza House
Best Pizza: Cottage Inn
Best Subs: Jimmy John's
Best Deli: Amer's
Best Take Out: Pizza House
Best Late Night Munchies:Pizza
House
Best Cheap Beer: Rick's
Best Microbrew: Arbor Brewing Co.
Best Bar Drinks: Good Time Charley's
Best Happy Hour: Good Time Charley's
Best Sports Bar: Scorekeepers
Best Overall Bar: Rick's
Best Italian Food: Palio's
Best Indian Food: Raja Rani
Best Mid-Eastern Food: Jerusalem
Garden
Best Chinese Food: China Gate
Best Korean Food: Steve's Lunch
Best Mexican Food: Tio's
Best BBQ: Mongolian BBQ
Best Greek Food: Mr. Greek's Coney
Island
Best Vegetarian Food: Seva
Best Outdoor Eatery: Dominick's
Best Greasy Spoon: Fleetwood
Best Place for Folks to Treat: Gandy
Dancer
Best Restaurant Service: Gratzi
Best Breakfast: Angelo's
Best Lunch: Amer's
Best Dinner: Mongolian BBQ
Best Overall Restaurant: Pizza House
Best Businesses:
Best Compact Discs: Borders
Best Used CDs: Tie - Wazoo Records,
Encore
Best Shoe Store: Footprints
Best Haircut: Noggins
Best Tanning Salon: Tanfastic
Best Books: Borders
Best Art Supplies: Ulrich's.
Best Textbooks: Ulrich's
Best Test Prep: Kaplan
Best Liquor: Campus Corner
Best Florists: Normandie Flowers
Best Travel Agency: STA Travel
Best Men's Clothing: Bivouac
Best Women's Clothing: Urban Outfitters
Best 'U' Fan Apparel: Steve and Barry's
Best Thrift Clothing: Value Village
Best Outdoor Apparel: Bivouac
Best Sporting Goods: Bivouac
Local favorites named in 2001 Best of Ann A
Courtesy of Sony Picture Classics
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's" Ziyi Zhang will not go out on a date with you.
Get wooed, won on
"the best datesm town
ries. Go for the hard core stuff: Mountain
Dew. Do the Dew. All night long.
4. You'll be at the perfect level of
drunkenness after one more beer. Uh-
huh. Sure you will. I have to say, every
time I've tried to reach my "perfect level
of drunkenness," I've ended up either a)
on the floor of a random party passed
out, b) hovering over a toilet, or c) with a
boy that was a "2" at 10:00 p.m. and a
"10" at 2:00 a.m. Ouch.
3. Dave Matthews is cool. I too went
through a "Dave Matthews is cool"
phase. I'll confess that I listened to the
Crash CD on repeat on more than one
occasion. I'll confess that I got caught up
in the whole scandalous "stay with me
Best Bicycle Sales: Great Lakes Cyclery
Best Cab Service: Yellow Cab (Ann Arbor
Paratransit)
Best New Local Business: Pita Pit
Best Entertainment:
Best Movie Theater: Michigan Theater
Best Video Store: Liberty Street Video
Best Dance Spot: Nectarine
Best Concert in the Past Year: Guster
Best Local Band: Donkey Punch
Best Local Festival: Ann Arbor Art Fair
Best Radio Station: 88.3 WCBN
Best Live Music Club: Blind Pig
Best of the Uniuersity:
Best Campus Tradition: Naked Mile
Best Campus Event: Football Saturdays
Best Speaker (past year): Jesse Jackson
Best Course: Psych 111
Best Blow-Off course: Psych 111
Best Professor: Ralph Williams
Best Lecture Hall: 1800 Chem Bldg.
Best Bathroom: Angell Hall
Best Residence Hall: South Quad
Best Res. Hall Cafeteria: Bursely
Best Co-op: Michigan House
Best Student Group: Blue Party
Best Frat to Party With: Beta Theta Pi
Best Sorority to Party With: Delta
Gamma
Best Place to Study: Law Library
Best Library: Graduate Library
Best Computing Center: Angell Hall
Fishbowl
Best Place to Work Out: CCRB
Best Student Job: Library Assistant
Sports:
Best Athlete (male): Drew Henson
Best Athlete (female): Elise Ray
Best Sports Team: Football
Best Sports Tradition: Hockey chants
at Yost Arena
Best Thing About Football Saturday:
tie - tailgating, winning
Best of Dating:
Best Date Movie: Crouching Tiger.
Hidden Dragon
Best Unusual Date Idea: Sledding
Best Place to Meet a New Mate: In classes
-Best Pickup Line:
(most common response) "Hi."
(most creatiw response) "Your parents must
be retarded because you're pretty special."
Best Place for a First Date: The Arb
Best Place for a Rendezvous: The Arb
Best Public Place for Sex: tie -
Graduate Library stacks, The Arb
Best Rejection Line:
(most common response) "No."
Best of Dating: If it can't be with
Elton, Marvin or Al, then it's gonna
have to be these to woo her.
Best Date Movie: Crouching Tiger,,
Hidden Dragon- Baby, this movie
will give me the opportunity to whis-
per the subtitles warmly into your ear,
when you leave your glasses on the
desk at home, inadvertently of course.
Best Unusual Date Idea:
Sledding- When we snuggle close
on that toboggan, all snug in the latest
in North Face arctic wear, it will be
that much warmer afterwards by the
fire.
Best Place to Meet a New Mate:
In classes- I will spend more time
studying the nape of your neck, than
those Calc 116 equations on the
board. After all, I can't understand
our GSI anyways, and your skin
speaks plain English to me.
Best Pickup Line: (most common
response) "Hi."- All you need to say
to me girl is "hi" and I'm carrying
you off to paradise by my lava lamp.
(most creative response) "Your
parents must be retarded because
you're pretty special."- Somewhere
on this campus is someone with a
profound expression of affection for
Chris Burke, this is that individual's
line.
Best Place for a First Date: The
Arb- In the beauty of nature, you,
my kumquat, shine like the sun.
through the cascade of tree branches
over head.
Best Place for a Rendezvous: The
Arb- It's not the club at the end of
the street, but my little rose blossom,
we can hide our love away deep in the
forest.
Best Public Place for Sex: (tie)
The Grad Library Stacks, The Arb -
Deep in the heated grad stacks, I will
take a piece of oversized legal pad
paper, (college ruled, of course) and
tape it over the window. Cupping my
hand over your mouth, so we can be
shhhh silent baby. Out here in the sun,
where it's warm and the Spring touch-
es our libidos, I'm waiting in the
lean-to I built you while you were
taking your Chemistry exam.
Best Rejection Line: (most com-
mon response) "No."- Girl, when
you say "no" I will be a respectful
gentlemen and back away. Stand up,
turn on the charm and Marvin in the
same smooth motion, and ask again,
kinder and warmer.
(most creative response) "Sorry,
I'm having an affair with your mom."
-If that is the case sugar, I will
respect ,your life decisions, and ask
you sweetly for your little sister's
phone number.
Best Place to Break Up: Diag-
There is no better place to have the
center of my world collapse than in
the center of the student body. Girl, I
loved you. Don't go. Please.
The joys of living in Ann Arbor
Best Thing About Ann Arbor: The
Michigan Every Three Weekly- Sure,
they make fun of The Michigan Daily all
the time, but their dead-on sarcasm and
wicked sense of humor is better than 85
percent of anything in the Gargoyle.
And, unlike the "Michigan Review," the
E3W is actually funny.
Best Place to People Watch: The
Diag- Imagine that, the best place to
see people is in the center of campus.
The people that voted for this one are the
same ones that elected "The oven" as the
best place to bake things.
Best Place to get Parking Ticket:
Everywhere!- Notice that no where in
any "Come to the University" literature
do they mention that you can't stop your
car at a red light without our
men/women in blue decorating your
windshield with a little pink love.
Best Street to Live On: State
Street- Where else can you watch peo-
ple march to football games, wobble
back from parties and watch our
men/women in blue decorating wind-
shields with a little pink love.
Best Excuse for Cutting Class:
(most common response) Sleeping-
Yeah, we've all slept through those 8
a.m.'s before. Oh, who am I kidding,
most of us have been lying in a pool of
our own vomit trying to remember
where are noon classes are. On Monday.
(most creative response) 'I just
haven 't full recovered from that nasty
case of mono I had 6 months ago"-
This is an especially effective excuse if
you originally caught mono from your
professor.
Best Excuse for a Late Paper: (most
common response) Sickness-Yeah sick,
sick of writing papers! Oh, man, burned!
Seriously, most profs wouldn't come to
your funeral, so why would they care if
you're sick?
(most creative response) "Hideki was
talking to me "-Yeah, but then you run
the risk of getting asked "What was he
talking about?"
Best Fad: Allyour base are belong to
us- By the time this gets printed, this
internet dealy-job will have gone the way
of leg warmers and razor scooters.
Best Slang: Sketchy- You know, it's
kind of like when this gnarly dude, who
was so radical last week, says something
so totally over like "Da bomb." That's
pretty sketchy, yo.
Best Place to go in an "Altered"
State: The Arb- Yeah, good idea, go to
the most desolate place on campus so
out of your gourd that you get lost in five
square miles of trees. Now that's a good
excuse for being late for class.
Best Place to Take A Nap: In
Class- Yeah, it would be perfect if it
weren't for that scary guy with the long
arms who keeps shaking my hand every
five minutes.
Best Daily Columnist/Writer: Chris
Kula- Yeah, it would figure that this
prima donna pretty boy would get the
most votes. You should see him on one
of his frequent drunken tirades through
the Daily office. Once, he took an awed
Freshman home with him and we never
saw her again.
Best News Headline (past year):
Ellerbe Fired!-Yeah, it's lots of fun to
wallow in the misery of others, especial-
ly a man with a family.
University alum Dan Lovell dances at
best dance spot.
(most creative response) "Sorry,
having an affair with your mrnom."
Best Place to Break Up: Diag
Best of the Web:
Best Website: ESPN con
Best Search Engine: googIe.coin
Best University Website: mgob/tie.c
Best News Site: cnncomn
Best Online Notes: versity com
Best Apartment Locator Site: Rent
Best of the Rest:
Best Thing About Ann Arbor:
Michigan Every Three Weekly
Best Place to People Watch: The Di
Best Place to get Parking Tici
Everywhere
BRENDAN O'DONNELL/Daily
of Stucchi's famous ice cream.
LSA freshman Meghan McGivern orders some
iekend
Magazine
Weekend, Etc. Editors: Jenni Glenn, Elizabeth Pens
Writers: Autumn Brown, Kiran J. Divvela, Jenni Glenn, Joanna Goddard, Ben Golds
Lane, Elizabeth Pensler, Robyn Melamed, Maria Sprow, eidi Wickstrom, Dan Willi
Photo Editors: Louis Brown, Jessica Johnson
Weekend Photo Editor: Abby Rosenbaum
Photographers: Rachel Feierman, Sam Hollenshead, Jeff Hurvitz, Jessica Johnson, David
Rosenbaum, Brandon Sedloff, Ellie White
Cover: Abby Rosenbaum
Arts Editors: Ben Goldstein, Managing Editor. Jennifer Fogel and Robyn Melamed, Associate Edi
Editor in Chief: Geoffrey Gagnon