+ 0 0 18B -- The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, April 12, 2001 10 fallacies all girls need to know The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. M And the winners are r With my very own column, I figure I should do a good deed for all of human- ity and uncover all of the terrible falsities girls believe during their first year at the University. So all you freshmen girls, and you upperclassmen too, take a moment to soak up some advice from an older, wiser soul. 10. Only the smartest kids in the universe go to U of M. Ok, well if you didn't learn the fallacy in this on your first day of class when the person next to you was counting the ceiling tiles in the tile-less lecture hall, I don't know if I'll be able to clear things up for you. 9. There is no escaping the "Freshman 15." This lie has been passed down from generation to genera- tion, and basically what it boils down to is this: The "Freshman 15" is a line your mom gives all your nosy great-aunts when they comment on how "volup- tuous" you looked at Thanksgiving din- ner. The truth is, you've been drinking too many beers, and if you gave that up, you'd lose 15 pounds in the first week- end of your anti-beer diet. Although your mom and your great-aunts know this is true, girls still come into college thinking freshman year equals baby got (lots of) back. 8. Starting your papers ahead of time is a good idea. This is definitely not a good idea. All it does is make your classmates that "work better under pres- sure" feel like shit about themselves. If you have a paper due on Thursday, here's what you need to do: Wednesday night around 8:30, go get yourself a 2-liter of Mountain Dew. On second thought, get yourself two 2-liters. Then, sit down at your computer and start typing away. You will end up with a coherent, Hopwood-award winning masterpiece. 7. Fraternity boys are the hottest boys on campus. I've been to a lot of frat parties. I've checked out quite a lot of the boys in the houses. They all look the same: They're all dressed in North Face jackets and those over-the-shoulder backpacks. I need some type of variety, or I get really, really bored. Girls, you'll get bored too. Really, really bored. 6. Capri pants are cool. The first time around, when they were called ped- dle-pushers, they were really cool. The second time around, when they were introduced as "Capri pants" last spring, they were sort of cool. The third time around, as in this spring, they are just not cool. Please, I'm beg- ging you all, can we let them go already??? 5. Diet Coke is a great place to turn for pulling all-nighters. You can't be a wimp when it comes to all-nighters. You can't worry about things like ... you know, calo- Robyn Melamed All faie for an evening ... tomorrow go back to being friends" idea. Ok, confession time is over. The truth of the matter is, he's overplayed and over-loved. College stu- dents are over-obsessed, and it's about that time to stop the insanity. 2. Your R.A. will look like "Felicity's"Noel Crane. On move-in day Freshman year, I wore my tightest jeans and a cleavage shirt. I had to be prepared because hot male residential advisors are always in charge of all-girl floors at Bursley. To make a long, sad story short, my R.A. ended up being a), a girl, and b) a very religious one that would rather see me in a plaid skirt and white knee-highs than my hoochie ensemble any day of the week. 1. When washing clothes, you can't mix lights and darks. Before I started college, my mom made up a long list for me on the do's and dont's of laundry. She instructed me to wash all of my bras and underwear on a del- icate cycle. She also instructed me to never mix lights and darks. Girls, take my mom's advice on the first thing. She's a genius when it comes to bras. But, seriously, who has the time or money to wash lights and darks sepa- rately? Half the time, you're only doing laundry to get your booty pants ready for Friday night, and you don't have two full loads ready to be washed. So go right ahead and throw your booty pants in with your white socks. What's the worst that can happen? You can end up with socks that are slightly gray, but your booty pants will be per- fectly black. Plus, you saved yourself the time of going back and forth to that gross dorm laundry room, where, con- trary to popular belief, there won't be a helpless boy waiting for you to show him how to do laundry. -Robyn can be reached at rme- lamed@umich.edu. Best Restaurants: Best Coffee: Cava Java Best Ice Cream/Yogurt: Stucchi's Best Bagels: Einstein Bagels Best Burgers: Blimpy Burgers Best Hot Dogs: Red Hot Lovers Best Wings: Mr. Spots Best Salads: Pizza House Best Chipatis: Pizza House Best Pizza: Cottage Inn Best Subs: Jimmy John's Best Deli: Amer's Best Take Out: Pizza House Best Late Night Munchies:Pizza House Best Cheap Beer: Rick's Best Microbrew: Arbor Brewing Co. Best Bar Drinks: Good Time Charley's Best Happy Hour: Good Time Charley's Best Sports Bar: Scorekeepers Best Overall Bar: Rick's Best Italian Food: Palio's Best Indian Food: Raja Rani Best Mid-Eastern Food: Jerusalem Garden Best Chinese Food: China Gate Best Korean Food: Steve's Lunch Best Mexican Food: Tio's Best BBQ: Mongolian BBQ Best Greek Food: Mr. Greek's Coney Island Best Vegetarian Food: Seva Best Outdoor Eatery: Dominick's Best Greasy Spoon: Fleetwood Best Place for Folks to Treat: Gandy Dancer Best Restaurant Service: Gratzi Best Breakfast: Angelo's Best Lunch: Amer's Best Dinner: Mongolian BBQ Best Overall Restaurant: Pizza House Best Businesses: Best Compact Discs: Borders Best Used CDs: Tie - Wazoo Records, Encore Best Shoe Store: Footprints Best Haircut: Noggins Best Tanning Salon: Tanfastic Best Books: Borders Best Art Supplies: Ulrich's. Best Textbooks: Ulrich's Best Test Prep: Kaplan Best Liquor: Campus Corner Best Florists: Normandie Flowers Best Travel Agency: STA Travel Best Men's Clothing: Bivouac Best Women's Clothing: Urban Outfitters Best 'U' Fan Apparel: Steve and Barry's Best Thrift Clothing: Value Village Best Outdoor Apparel: Bivouac Best Sporting Goods: Bivouac Local favorites named in 2001 Best of Ann A Courtesy of Sony Picture Classics "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's" Ziyi Zhang will not go out on a date with you. Get wooed, won on "the best datesm town ries. Go for the hard core stuff: Mountain Dew. Do the Dew. All night long. 4. You'll be at the perfect level of drunkenness after one more beer. Uh- huh. Sure you will. I have to say, every time I've tried to reach my "perfect level of drunkenness," I've ended up either a) on the floor of a random party passed out, b) hovering over a toilet, or c) with a boy that was a "2" at 10:00 p.m. and a "10" at 2:00 a.m. Ouch. 3. Dave Matthews is cool. I too went through a "Dave Matthews is cool" phase. I'll confess that I listened to the Crash CD on repeat on more than one occasion. I'll confess that I got caught up in the whole scandalous "stay with me Best Bicycle Sales: Great Lakes Cyclery Best Cab Service: Yellow Cab (Ann Arbor Paratransit) Best New Local Business: Pita Pit Best Entertainment: Best Movie Theater: Michigan Theater Best Video Store: Liberty Street Video Best Dance Spot: Nectarine Best Concert in the Past Year: Guster Best Local Band: Donkey Punch Best Local Festival: Ann Arbor Art Fair Best Radio Station: 88.3 WCBN Best Live Music Club: Blind Pig Best of the Uniuersity: Best Campus Tradition: Naked Mile Best Campus Event: Football Saturdays Best Speaker (past year): Jesse Jackson Best Course: Psych 111 Best Blow-Off course: Psych 111 Best Professor: Ralph Williams Best Lecture Hall: 1800 Chem Bldg. Best Bathroom: Angell Hall Best Residence Hall: South Quad Best Res. Hall Cafeteria: Bursely Best Co-op: Michigan House Best Student Group: Blue Party Best Frat to Party With: Beta Theta Pi Best Sorority to Party With: Delta Gamma Best Place to Study: Law Library Best Library: Graduate Library Best Computing Center: Angell Hall Fishbowl Best Place to Work Out: CCRB Best Student Job: Library Assistant Sports: Best Athlete (male): Drew Henson Best Athlete (female): Elise Ray Best Sports Team: Football Best Sports Tradition: Hockey chants at Yost Arena Best Thing About Football Saturday: tie - tailgating, winning Best of Dating: Best Date Movie: Crouching Tiger. Hidden Dragon Best Unusual Date Idea: Sledding Best Place to Meet a New Mate: In classes -Best Pickup Line: (most common response) "Hi." (most creatiw response) "Your parents must be retarded because you're pretty special." Best Place for a First Date: The Arb Best Place for a Rendezvous: The Arb Best Public Place for Sex: tie - Graduate Library stacks, The Arb Best Rejection Line: (most common response) "No." Best of Dating: If it can't be with Elton, Marvin or Al, then it's gonna have to be these to woo her. Best Date Movie: Crouching Tiger,, Hidden Dragon- Baby, this movie will give me the opportunity to whis- per the subtitles warmly into your ear, when you leave your glasses on the desk at home, inadvertently of course. Best Unusual Date Idea: Sledding- When we snuggle close on that toboggan, all snug in the latest in North Face arctic wear, it will be that much warmer afterwards by the fire. Best Place to Meet a New Mate: In classes- I will spend more time studying the nape of your neck, than those Calc 116 equations on the board. After all, I can't understand our GSI anyways, and your skin speaks plain English to me. Best Pickup Line: (most common response) "Hi."- All you need to say to me girl is "hi" and I'm carrying you off to paradise by my lava lamp. (most creative response) "Your parents must be retarded because you're pretty special."- Somewhere on this campus is someone with a profound expression of affection for Chris Burke, this is that individual's line. Best Place for a First Date: The Arb- In the beauty of nature, you, my kumquat, shine like the sun. through the cascade of tree branches over head. Best Place for a Rendezvous: The Arb- It's not the club at the end of the street, but my little rose blossom, we can hide our love away deep in the forest. Best Public Place for Sex: (tie) The Grad Library Stacks, The Arb - Deep in the heated grad stacks, I will take a piece of oversized legal pad paper, (college ruled, of course) and tape it over the window. Cupping my hand over your mouth, so we can be shhhh silent baby. Out here in the sun, where it's warm and the Spring touch- es our libidos, I'm waiting in the lean-to I built you while you were taking your Chemistry exam. Best Rejection Line: (most com- mon response) "No."- Girl, when you say "no" I will be a respectful gentlemen and back away. Stand up, turn on the charm and Marvin in the same smooth motion, and ask again, kinder and warmer. (most creative response) "Sorry, I'm having an affair with your mom." -If that is the case sugar, I will respect ,your life decisions, and ask you sweetly for your little sister's phone number. Best Place to Break Up: Diag- There is no better place to have the center of my world collapse than in the center of the student body. Girl, I loved you. Don't go. Please. The joys of living in Ann Arbor Best Thing About Ann Arbor: The Michigan Every Three Weekly- Sure, they make fun of The Michigan Daily all the time, but their dead-on sarcasm and wicked sense of humor is better than 85 percent of anything in the Gargoyle. And, unlike the "Michigan Review," the E3W is actually funny. Best Place to People Watch: The Diag- Imagine that, the best place to see people is in the center of campus. The people that voted for this one are the same ones that elected "The oven" as the best place to bake things. Best Place to get Parking Ticket: Everywhere!- Notice that no where in any "Come to the University" literature do they mention that you can't stop your car at a red light without our men/women in blue decorating your windshield with a little pink love. Best Street to Live On: State Street- Where else can you watch peo- ple march to football games, wobble back from parties and watch our men/women in blue decorating wind- shields with a little pink love. Best Excuse for Cutting Class: (most common response) Sleeping- Yeah, we've all slept through those 8 a.m.'s before. Oh, who am I kidding, most of us have been lying in a pool of our own vomit trying to remember where are noon classes are. On Monday. (most creative response) 'I just haven 't full recovered from that nasty case of mono I had 6 months ago"- This is an especially effective excuse if you originally caught mono from your professor. Best Excuse for a Late Paper: (most common response) Sickness-Yeah sick, sick of writing papers! Oh, man, burned! Seriously, most profs wouldn't come to your funeral, so why would they care if you're sick? (most creative response) "Hideki was talking to me "-Yeah, but then you run the risk of getting asked "What was he talking about?" Best Fad: Allyour base are belong to us- By the time this gets printed, this internet dealy-job will have gone the way of leg warmers and razor scooters. Best Slang: Sketchy- You know, it's kind of like when this gnarly dude, who was so radical last week, says something so totally over like "Da bomb." That's pretty sketchy, yo. Best Place to go in an "Altered" State: The Arb- Yeah, good idea, go to the most desolate place on campus so out of your gourd that you get lost in five square miles of trees. Now that's a good excuse for being late for class. Best Place to Take A Nap: In Class- Yeah, it would be perfect if it weren't for that scary guy with the long arms who keeps shaking my hand every five minutes. Best Daily Columnist/Writer: Chris Kula- Yeah, it would figure that this prima donna pretty boy would get the most votes. You should see him on one of his frequent drunken tirades through the Daily office. Once, he took an awed Freshman home with him and we never saw her again. Best News Headline (past year): Ellerbe Fired!-Yeah, it's lots of fun to wallow in the misery of others, especial- ly a man with a family. University alum Dan Lovell dances at best dance spot. (most creative response) "Sorry, having an affair with your mrnom." Best Place to Break Up: Diag Best of the Web: Best Website: ESPN con Best Search Engine: googIe.coin Best University Website: mgob/tie.c Best News Site: cnncomn Best Online Notes: versity com Best Apartment Locator Site: Rent Best of the Rest: Best Thing About Ann Arbor: Michigan Every Three Weekly Best Place to People Watch: The Di Best Place to get Parking Tici Everywhere BRENDAN O'DONNELL/Daily of Stucchi's famous ice cream. LSA freshman Meghan McGivern orders some iekend Magazine Weekend, Etc. Editors: Jenni Glenn, Elizabeth Pens Writers: Autumn Brown, Kiran J. Divvela, Jenni Glenn, Joanna Goddard, Ben Golds Lane, Elizabeth Pensler, Robyn Melamed, Maria Sprow, eidi Wickstrom, Dan Willi Photo Editors: Louis Brown, Jessica Johnson Weekend Photo Editor: Abby Rosenbaum Photographers: Rachel Feierman, Sam Hollenshead, Jeff Hurvitz, Jessica Johnson, David Rosenbaum, Brandon Sedloff, Ellie White Cover: Abby Rosenbaum Arts Editors: Ben Goldstein, Managing Editor. Jennifer Fogel and Robyn Melamed, Associate Edi Editor in Chief: Geoffrey Gagnon