10B - The 'higan Daily - Weekeretc. MagaZine -- Thursday, bruary 15, 2001
0
The Michigan Daily - eekend) etc. M
.
WHYM
"Pick me up some fruit juice."
Isems like it should be such a sim-
ple thing to do, such a simple request to
fulfill. Any good grocer, drugstore or
corner liquor, beer and junk food peddler
regularly carries a wide variety of bottled
or canned fruit juice products. Logical
deduction indicates that you need mere-
ly proceed by choosing one of these, any
one of these.
Goodness me, there seem to be so
many choices these days, though, and
everbody from Raskolnikov to Edgar
Allen Poe knows that decisions come
iss LONELY
with not-always-pleasantly irrevocable
implications.
"Juicy Juice."
Now this sounds good. The label on
the bottle even states that it's "100%
juice." Furthermore, it's not just juice,
it's juicy juice, like there's some extra
element making this particular juice
more juice than the next juice. Which
leads one to wonder skeptically about
these other less juicy juices on the shelf
that aren't even completely juice.
Perhaps this is a good point at which
to break for a brief reassessment of
ONLY USED TO GET JUICED IN
SAKS, LIES AND TWO-SIDED T
objectives: Pick up fruit juice. Really,
how descriptive can a four-syllable sug-
gestion get? (Go fuck a cow. Get bent
now, please. Find hell cold, starve. Just
rot; now, slOw.) Even from this perspec-
tive it's difficult to interpret much about
the nature of the fruit juice desired,
which makes it all the more complicated
when you read the label of the next prod-
uct on the shelf ... Hawaiian Punch, the
drink you drank beside your neighbor's
backyard pool, the canned red beverage
that was so easy to steal from the lunch-
room in middle school.
"Two percent or less of each of the fol-
lowing: Concentrated Juices (Pineapple,
Orange, Passionfruit, and Apple), Purees
(Apricot, Papaya and Guava)."
Even to those whose mathematical
skills hardly progressed past them first
days of kleptomaniac-in', it's apparent
that Hawaiian Punch has no more than
14% juice in it. And while the line delin-
eating between enough-juice-to-be-juice
and not-enough-juice-to-be-juice may be
thin, it's certain that 14 percent ain't no
juicy juice.
Yet given that you're after just a juice
and not necessarily a juice that's also
juicy, it's safe to assume that you don't
require a 100 per-
cent juice like Juicy
Juice. To get any
more specific,
you're going to have
toget an ideaofhow
much juicier a juicy
juice is than a just
juice, which will
undoubtedly involve
a great deal of time
spent estimating and
John Uhl wagering about how
much "juicy" is, a
Uhf Get truly dumb and
. wasteful thing to
NOthmg ponder for more
and Like it than a moment. It's
better just to move
on and forget about brand name associa-
tions such as these.
"V8 Splash."
OK, so it's really hard to get past the
brand name associations, but isn't V8
B orenoked.iodlc
some kinda tomato drink? Although it
turns out that V8 is different from "V8
Splash Fruit Medley" (which sure
sounds like the name of a fruit juice), the
medley's main ingredient is carrot juice,
which, last time I checked, came from a
vegetable.
Before passing by this V8 stuff, how-
'ever, remember that a tomato's a fruit.
Surely, y'all learned that from trivia-type
tidbits Mr. Rogers or some other after-
noon educational cable programming
fed to your knee-high impressionable
head. Tomato, which was the big prob-
lem with V8 to begin with, suddenly
seems like less of a concern. And as V8
Splash contains several and various other
fruit juices (apples, pineapples, etc.), V8
and V8 Splash both seem to be accept-
able forms of quasi-fruit juice, at least as
acceptable as a mere 14 percent juice
like Hawaiian Punch.
In fact, it's worthwhile to pause here to
admire the inherent power of fruit that is
rather evident in a product like V8
Splash. The fact that various portions of
pear and cherry juice can collectively
alter the nature and taste of a primarily
carrot drink dramatically enough to war-
rant a title like "Fruit Medley" is utterly
astounding and at least a little unnerving.
Like when hot means cool and bad
means good, a vegetable juice that
See JUICE, Page 138
mer protege Joan
standing in front
of an oh-so chic
make-up counter
in Saks Fifth
Avenue asking,
begi g for a
brand new look.
Ready to shed
my au-natural
2 i r I - n e x t - d o o r
norm for more
cutting I \d4cos-
meti cs. l weas
It happened back in July while I
was working as a nanny, when, in a
fairly typical moment where bore-
dom and tempo-
rary insanity col-
lided, I found
myself with my
14-year old sum-
Meredith
Keller
Instinlcts
time she was finished with me, I
needed dental records to verify my
identity.
Looking more "Rocky Horror
Picture Show" than runway fashion
show, I was less than impressed with
my trendy alter-ego. Two washcloths
and gobs of facial cleanser later, I
made up my mind that that was the
last time I would try to be trendy. But
that doesn't mean I stopped looking.
As a self-proclaimed fashion mag-
azine fiend, many a month have I
shelled out the S3.50 that is neces-
sary to gaze at the glossy pages of
'Glamour" or live vicariously
through the vision of "Vogue.'
Content with my own classic style.
tV ice a year in February and
September. I anxiously await the fall
and spring shows for a glimpse of
what might emerge as the newest
definitive phase of fashion.
In contrast to the more revolution-
arv trends of yesteryear, however,
which brouht about such iconic
items as the Chanel suit, the Hermes
Birkin ba . and the von Furstenberg
wrap dress. it would seem that.where
today s trends are concerned, there is
a fine line separating vhat is stylish
from what is just plain sillv.
A good example of this stylish ver-
sus silly dichotomy can be seen in
the so-called '80s revival xw hich
beg=an sometime in fall and is sup-
posedlv hotter than ever for spring.
Calling for hiked-up hemlines, off
the shoulder shirts and rhinestone
studding. wxhile fashion mauazines
may encourage us to break out our
Pogo Balls, I still have a pair of yel-
low Benetton bicycle shorts that
would suggest the '80s revival is a
very, very bad idea.
Remember, these very same fash-
ion magazines once told us that we
could really wear red and green eye
shadow without looking like an over-
glittered Christmas card. These very
same fashion magazines encouraged
us to bob our hair, and three months
later denounced the look in favor of
Lady Godiva-length locks. And these
same fashion magazines will end-
lessly preach that true beauty is in
the exe of the beholder, when in fact.
their true beauty is in the eve of the
air brusheIrs.
So. knowing this, can we -
assume as these magazines
that going from Runway to R
a smooth transition? Unless 1
twist of fate, you are exc
known by your first name. I
Malibu dream house and
boyfriend named Ken, I wvy
weary of such promises.
Contrary to what my sudd
icism towards style may su
will stop short of propos
notion that we are currently a
a "Couture Conspiracy T
hand-crafted by the fashion i
in an attempt to make the re
look bad. Assuming inste
recent proclamations of st
more likely the result of a
I
I r -n - -- s
- - - - - ,
b.1I
I
t Io
' ITALIAN RESTAURANT I
open to the possibility of experi-
menting with some of the season's
more colorful looks. So, hopping up
in the makeover chair, I closed my
e-es and placed my face and my faith
in the trend-trained hands of Cindy
the make-up artist.
Twxenty suspense-filled minutes
later. my' fully-mascaraed lashes
opined. And. as I lifted up the hand-
held mirror to my new reflection. I
suddenly understood why Joan had
been laughing so hard. With dark-
ened eyebrow\ s. orangey eye shadow.
and pale shellacked lips, while
Cindxs make-up maneuvers had suc-
cessfullr incorporated the looks of
the summer onto my face, by the
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