10B - The 'higan Daily - Weekeretc. MagaZine -- Thursday, bruary 15, 2001 0 The Michigan Daily - eekend) etc. M . WHYM "Pick me up some fruit juice." Isems like it should be such a sim- ple thing to do, such a simple request to fulfill. Any good grocer, drugstore or corner liquor, beer and junk food peddler regularly carries a wide variety of bottled or canned fruit juice products. Logical deduction indicates that you need mere- ly proceed by choosing one of these, any one of these. Goodness me, there seem to be so many choices these days, though, and everbody from Raskolnikov to Edgar Allen Poe knows that decisions come iss LONELY with not-always-pleasantly irrevocable implications. "Juicy Juice." Now this sounds good. The label on the bottle even states that it's "100% juice." Furthermore, it's not just juice, it's juicy juice, like there's some extra element making this particular juice more juice than the next juice. Which leads one to wonder skeptically about these other less juicy juices on the shelf that aren't even completely juice. Perhaps this is a good point at which to break for a brief reassessment of ONLY USED TO GET JUICED IN SAKS, LIES AND TWO-SIDED T objectives: Pick up fruit juice. Really, how descriptive can a four-syllable sug- gestion get? (Go fuck a cow. Get bent now, please. Find hell cold, starve. Just rot; now, slOw.) Even from this perspec- tive it's difficult to interpret much about the nature of the fruit juice desired, which makes it all the more complicated when you read the label of the next prod- uct on the shelf ... Hawaiian Punch, the drink you drank beside your neighbor's backyard pool, the canned red beverage that was so easy to steal from the lunch- room in middle school. "Two percent or less of each of the fol- lowing: Concentrated Juices (Pineapple, Orange, Passionfruit, and Apple), Purees (Apricot, Papaya and Guava)." Even to those whose mathematical skills hardly progressed past them first days of kleptomaniac-in', it's apparent that Hawaiian Punch has no more than 14% juice in it. And while the line delin- eating between enough-juice-to-be-juice and not-enough-juice-to-be-juice may be thin, it's certain that 14 percent ain't no juicy juice. Yet given that you're after just a juice and not necessarily a juice that's also juicy, it's safe to assume that you don't require a 100 per- cent juice like Juicy Juice. To get any more specific, you're going to have toget an ideaofhow much juicier a juicy juice is than a just juice, which will undoubtedly involve a great deal of time spent estimating and John Uhl wagering about how much "juicy" is, a Uhf Get truly dumb and . wasteful thing to NOthmg ponder for more and Like it than a moment. It's better just to move on and forget about brand name associa- tions such as these. "V8 Splash." OK, so it's really hard to get past the brand name associations, but isn't V8 B orenoked.iodlc some kinda tomato drink? Although it turns out that V8 is different from "V8 Splash Fruit Medley" (which sure sounds like the name of a fruit juice), the medley's main ingredient is carrot juice, which, last time I checked, came from a vegetable. Before passing by this V8 stuff, how- 'ever, remember that a tomato's a fruit. Surely, y'all learned that from trivia-type tidbits Mr. Rogers or some other after- noon educational cable programming fed to your knee-high impressionable head. Tomato, which was the big prob- lem with V8 to begin with, suddenly seems like less of a concern. And as V8 Splash contains several and various other fruit juices (apples, pineapples, etc.), V8 and V8 Splash both seem to be accept- able forms of quasi-fruit juice, at least as acceptable as a mere 14 percent juice like Hawaiian Punch. In fact, it's worthwhile to pause here to admire the inherent power of fruit that is rather evident in a product like V8 Splash. The fact that various portions of pear and cherry juice can collectively alter the nature and taste of a primarily carrot drink dramatically enough to war- rant a title like "Fruit Medley" is utterly astounding and at least a little unnerving. Like when hot means cool and bad means good, a vegetable juice that See JUICE, Page 138 mer protege Joan standing in front of an oh-so chic make-up counter in Saks Fifth Avenue asking, begi g for a brand new look. Ready to shed my au-natural 2 i r I - n e x t - d o o r norm for more cutting I \d4cos- meti cs. l weas It happened back in July while I was working as a nanny, when, in a fairly typical moment where bore- dom and tempo- rary insanity col- lided, I found myself with my 14-year old sum- Meredith Keller Instinlcts time she was finished with me, I needed dental records to verify my identity. Looking more "Rocky Horror Picture Show" than runway fashion show, I was less than impressed with my trendy alter-ego. Two washcloths and gobs of facial cleanser later, I made up my mind that that was the last time I would try to be trendy. But that doesn't mean I stopped looking. As a self-proclaimed fashion mag- azine fiend, many a month have I shelled out the S3.50 that is neces- sary to gaze at the glossy pages of 'Glamour" or live vicariously through the vision of "Vogue.' Content with my own classic style. tV ice a year in February and September. I anxiously await the fall and spring shows for a glimpse of what might emerge as the newest definitive phase of fashion. In contrast to the more revolution- arv trends of yesteryear, however, which brouht about such iconic items as the Chanel suit, the Hermes Birkin ba . and the von Furstenberg wrap dress. it would seem that.where today s trends are concerned, there is a fine line separating vhat is stylish from what is just plain sillv. A good example of this stylish ver- sus silly dichotomy can be seen in the so-called '80s revival xw hich beg=an sometime in fall and is sup- posedlv hotter than ever for spring. Calling for hiked-up hemlines, off the shoulder shirts and rhinestone studding. wxhile fashion mauazines may encourage us to break out our Pogo Balls, I still have a pair of yel- low Benetton bicycle shorts that would suggest the '80s revival is a very, very bad idea. Remember, these very same fash- ion magazines once told us that we could really wear red and green eye shadow without looking like an over- glittered Christmas card. These very same fashion magazines encouraged us to bob our hair, and three months later denounced the look in favor of Lady Godiva-length locks. And these same fashion magazines will end- lessly preach that true beauty is in the exe of the beholder, when in fact. their true beauty is in the eve of the air brusheIrs. So. knowing this, can we - assume as these magazines that going from Runway to R a smooth transition? Unless 1 twist of fate, you are exc known by your first name. I Malibu dream house and boyfriend named Ken, I wvy weary of such promises. Contrary to what my sudd icism towards style may su will stop short of propos notion that we are currently a a "Couture Conspiracy T hand-crafted by the fashion i in an attempt to make the re look bad. Assuming inste recent proclamations of st more likely the result of a I I r -n - -- s - - - - - , b.1I I t Io ' ITALIAN RESTAURANT I open to the possibility of experi- menting with some of the season's more colorful looks. So, hopping up in the makeover chair, I closed my e-es and placed my face and my faith in the trend-trained hands of Cindy the make-up artist. Twxenty suspense-filled minutes later. my' fully-mascaraed lashes opined. And. as I lifted up the hand- held mirror to my new reflection. I suddenly understood why Joan had been laughing so hard. With dark- ened eyebrow\ s. orangey eye shadow. and pale shellacked lips, while Cindxs make-up maneuvers had suc- cessfullr incorporated the looks of the summer onto my face, by the ' t l : I I I I I .1 $24 Dinner For Two pasta entree, appetizer, coffee and dessert includes Come celebrate with us: 24 years of Italian dining! 300 Detroit St. 665-0444 at Catherine across from the Farmer's Market 1 1 I 1 Account 6u~d' lobJ ExetIveY Of 1 WM Sponsored by Duality 16 I With this coupon only. 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