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SURVIVING CUPID: ADVICE FOR SINGLE PEOPLE
Ruminations from a "nice guy" on the fc
Maria Sprow
Daly Arts riter
February. With the chocolate kisses
and red roses, Cupid and Hallmark
cards, lovey-dovey, sweet feeling in the
air, some of the student population might
be convinced that the entire point of
February is to make the lives of single
people miserable.
And they'd be right. But don't despair,
because there is hope out there;
Valentine's Day doesn't have to be the
da to stay in bed and wash out all the let
downs with ice cream. Ben and Jerry
aren't the only solutions to survive this
meaninglessly red holiday.
Besides low-fat fudge, the tricks to
surviving Feb. 14 in one piece are most-
ly mental.
Think about it. Who really wants a so-
called "significant" other? The time, the
commitment, the arguing, the ambiguity.
First of all, anybody who is an
involved student at the University
shouldn't have the time for a boyfriend
or girlfriend. After classes, homework,
extracurriculars ... why use up all the
spare time on one person? It's such a
waste, especially for a person who will
probably dump you, or mess around on
you, or try to. Spend any spare time on
Valentine's Day with friends. Many
friends. Single friends.
Ok. The commitment. Who needs it?
Single people can have fun wherever,
whenever and with whoever they want.
Taken people are stuck with one person,
day in, day out. If the other half isn't
around, then the person is out of luck.
And how many healthy relationships
are there? Not many. Part of having a rela-
tionship is the drama involved, the fights,
the make-ups. It's a rollercoaster. And
you're not at a theme park.
The ambiguity. This is for all the truly
single people out there. The ones who
will really be at home with their ice-
cream or out with friends. The ones who
don't have a date. Why no date? Too
much work involved. There's the asking,
the nervousness, the chickening out, the
building up confidence - and all of that
is before the actual date. Meanwhile,
there are more important things going on
in life than whether or not the guy from
psych class has a girlfriend or not, and if
not, what he would think about hanging
out on Valentine's Day.
Of course, shove all that aside, and
everybody who is single still wants the
candy, the flowers and the love. The way
to get through it? Exchange presents with
a single friend, watch a sappy movie, dis-
cuss why the real world isn't like the
movies and trash the opposite sex.I
The movie. Almost the most impor-
tant decision of the night. Should it be
funny, sappy, corny, scary? Best advice?
Go for funny. There is no possible way
for a person to feel sony for themselves
if while watching Adam Sandier beat up
Bob Barker, or seeing Cameron Diaz
with sperm in her hair. Corny movies,
first of all, are corny. Who really wants
to be watching a couple of picture-per-
feet people get lucky enough to find
each other and fall in love'? That never
happens. Watching a romantic movie is
like reading a fashion magazine. It will
only make a person depressed. Scary
movies are just as bad - the most
important thing during a scary movie is
the guy sitting next to you. If there's no
guy, stay away from them.
Don't feel like staying around the
house? It's reasonable to want to go out
for Valentine's Day. The most important
tip here is not to make it seem like a date.
Don't go out to dinner with friends; It's
too "I wish I had someone but since I
don't, I'll make do with this." Instead, go
out of the way to get creative and forget
about all the things Hallmark says. Like
playing video games? Have a tourna-
ment. Want to party'? Throw one.
So go out. Have more fun than previ-
ously thought possible. If it's just to
McDonald's, flirt with the order taker.
Make a bet with a friend to see how
many numbers each of you can score.
Sure. it's wrong, immoral and the poor
people who gave up their phone numbers
are going to be waiting for the call come
Thursday. That's not the point. The point
is Wednesday, and anyone is flattered
when someone asks for their phone
number. So nobody is really hurt.
There are people out there who really
want a date on Valentine's Day, and if
they haven't been convinced by now that
it's not worth it, there's only one piece of
advice left. Go out and get one.
Shyness, when Valentine's Day comes
around, is not an issue. There are many
ways to anonymously ask a person out
on a date. The best example is the
Dropped Note system. This is when
you're studying and Dream Boy is study-
ing a couple tables away. What to do'?
Write a quick note, first name only, num-
ber and tell Dream Boy to call sometime.
It sounds like it's not going to work, but
play the odds. There's a 50 percent
chance the guy will call, and a 50 percent
chance the guy won't. If he doesn't, no
harm done, and try again. This is a boy
who has never been seen before, and
most likely won't be seen again. It's dar-
ing. It's fun. It's harmless.
The best survival advice is to have a
good time and forget about Hallmark.
Exchange a flower with a friend. Use the
night to do whatever you want to do, and
feel sorry for all the taken people who
can't. The bonus? Getting all the perks of
the holiday (the candy) but none of the
pain of having to go all out on big, mean-
ingfully sappy gifts.
Still feeling sorry for yourself? .lust
think - 24 hours, and then it's all over.
Until next year.
Summer in Israel!
Exciting opportunity for
Chicagoanstvolunteer
as counselors at English
Sspeaking day camp in
Israel from mid June-July.
Free room and board
with local families.
Subsidized flights.
Call Terri at Chicago
Jewish Federation,
312-357-4663,
or email talbert@juf.org
By Lyle K. Henretty
Daily Film Editor
There is something about me, God
knows what, that has seen me on the
giving end of a great deal of relationship
advice. I don't offer it freely, yet mem-
bers of the female sex continue to seek it
from me, even after I assure them that I
know about as much about relationships
as the present President Bush knows
about Ambassador Olhaye Oudine
Roble of Djibouti. Yet they say, "Oh,
you're so nice," and "You listen so well"
and a lot of other annoying things that
mean jack squat when you're sitting on
the couch. by yourself, turning up
"Saturday Night Live" so you can't hear
your roommate and his girlfriend pro-
creating like jackrabbits on the other
side of the wall. So it's time I came
clean: I no longer want any female
friends. All this time I've been acting
like a nice guy and listened to your boo-
hoo tales of incomprehensible
boyfriends that "can be so great, but..."
I haven't given a rat's ass about it. I've
been attempting to lure you into a phys-
ical relationship. There, I said it.
I've had enough of being the "nice
friend" and am now shedding my skin to
release the inner asshole that has guided
my every testosterone-influenced move.
To distance myself from my old ways, I
will now divulge some of the inanest
things my female "friends" have asked
me since I somehow inherited the title of
"nice guy." Well, I'm not finishing last
any more, so ladies, take out your pen-
cils and I'll tell you why you have so
much trouble getting along with your
man.
Here's a favorite. Some dejected
princess comes to me and says she's
been seeing a guy and reached "that
stage, yoooou know, where I really like
him but I'm not sure if he likes me"
That what? That stage? How many
"stages" do you imagine exist in the
mind of a man'? Ilmmm? Two, and one
of them is "not having sex." If that is the
stage you are in, and you want to keep
the guy, than get the hell out of that
stage. Here's a real shocker, a real head-
line for you: College Guys Enjoy
Orgasms. The more they have, the hap-
pier they are. In fact, a surefire sign that
a guy really doesn't like you, is if your
relationship is purely physical and he
still only calls once every other week.
This, quite honestly, is a hint that you're
being used. Not "he's probably busy,"
not "maybe he has problems commit-
ting" and certainly not "maybe he wants
something less physical." I've given
these lines out, with, a completely
straight face, on several occasions. HA!
Oh, and this one's a real hoot. When
some chick, talking about her boyfriend,
tells me that "he'd rather spend time
with his friends than he would with me."
Here's the truth, you'd better sit down.
OF COURSE HIE LIKES HIS
FRIENDS MORE THAN HE LIKES
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YOU! Good God, friends d
friends aren't constantly aski
Trust me, sitting around, dr
watching football and
"Goldeneye" is much better
ing to you bitch about hov
getting. And while I'm on
don't ask me if you're getti
going to lie. Your boyfriend
lie. So don't ask.
Oh, and the Crown
Annoying Things is when y
your good friend that you d(
sleep with, that you wish '
spend more time with your i
just want to co-opt him into
taking away any outlet he ha
side world. The only intere
possibly have in your frien
chance, he could hook them
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