128 - T1 ihtigan Daiy 1~Wee d~., Etc.: Magaziht: -ursdfFeruary $',2001 * 4 e SURVIVING CUPID: ADVICE FOR SINGLE PEOPLE Ruminations from a "nice guy" on the fc Maria Sprow Daly Arts riter February. With the chocolate kisses and red roses, Cupid and Hallmark cards, lovey-dovey, sweet feeling in the air, some of the student population might be convinced that the entire point of February is to make the lives of single people miserable. And they'd be right. But don't despair, because there is hope out there; Valentine's Day doesn't have to be the da to stay in bed and wash out all the let downs with ice cream. Ben and Jerry aren't the only solutions to survive this meaninglessly red holiday. Besides low-fat fudge, the tricks to surviving Feb. 14 in one piece are most- ly mental. Think about it. Who really wants a so- called "significant" other? The time, the commitment, the arguing, the ambiguity. First of all, anybody who is an involved student at the University shouldn't have the time for a boyfriend or girlfriend. After classes, homework, extracurriculars ... why use up all the spare time on one person? It's such a waste, especially for a person who will probably dump you, or mess around on you, or try to. Spend any spare time on Valentine's Day with friends. Many friends. Single friends. Ok. The commitment. Who needs it? Single people can have fun wherever, whenever and with whoever they want. Taken people are stuck with one person, day in, day out. If the other half isn't around, then the person is out of luck. And how many healthy relationships are there? Not many. Part of having a rela- tionship is the drama involved, the fights, the make-ups. It's a rollercoaster. And you're not at a theme park. The ambiguity. This is for all the truly single people out there. The ones who will really be at home with their ice- cream or out with friends. The ones who don't have a date. Why no date? Too much work involved. There's the asking, the nervousness, the chickening out, the building up confidence - and all of that is before the actual date. Meanwhile, there are more important things going on in life than whether or not the guy from psych class has a girlfriend or not, and if not, what he would think about hanging out on Valentine's Day. Of course, shove all that aside, and everybody who is single still wants the candy, the flowers and the love. The way to get through it? Exchange presents with a single friend, watch a sappy movie, dis- cuss why the real world isn't like the movies and trash the opposite sex.I The movie. Almost the most impor- tant decision of the night. Should it be funny, sappy, corny, scary? Best advice? Go for funny. There is no possible way for a person to feel sony for themselves if while watching Adam Sandier beat up Bob Barker, or seeing Cameron Diaz with sperm in her hair. Corny movies, first of all, are corny. Who really wants to be watching a couple of picture-per- feet people get lucky enough to find each other and fall in love'? That never happens. Watching a romantic movie is like reading a fashion magazine. It will only make a person depressed. Scary movies are just as bad - the most important thing during a scary movie is the guy sitting next to you. If there's no guy, stay away from them. Don't feel like staying around the house? It's reasonable to want to go out for Valentine's Day. The most important tip here is not to make it seem like a date. Don't go out to dinner with friends; It's too "I wish I had someone but since I don't, I'll make do with this." Instead, go out of the way to get creative and forget about all the things Hallmark says. Like playing video games? Have a tourna- ment. Want to party'? Throw one. So go out. Have more fun than previ- ously thought possible. If it's just to McDonald's, flirt with the order taker. Make a bet with a friend to see how many numbers each of you can score. Sure. it's wrong, immoral and the poor people who gave up their phone numbers are going to be waiting for the call come Thursday. That's not the point. The point is Wednesday, and anyone is flattered when someone asks for their phone number. So nobody is really hurt. There are people out there who really want a date on Valentine's Day, and if they haven't been convinced by now that it's not worth it, there's only one piece of advice left. Go out and get one. Shyness, when Valentine's Day comes around, is not an issue. There are many ways to anonymously ask a person out on a date. The best example is the Dropped Note system. This is when you're studying and Dream Boy is study- ing a couple tables away. What to do'? Write a quick note, first name only, num- ber and tell Dream Boy to call sometime. It sounds like it's not going to work, but play the odds. There's a 50 percent chance the guy will call, and a 50 percent chance the guy won't. If he doesn't, no harm done, and try again. This is a boy who has never been seen before, and most likely won't be seen again. It's dar- ing. It's fun. It's harmless. The best survival advice is to have a good time and forget about Hallmark. Exchange a flower with a friend. Use the night to do whatever you want to do, and feel sorry for all the taken people who can't. The bonus? Getting all the perks of the holiday (the candy) but none of the pain of having to go all out on big, mean- ingfully sappy gifts. Still feeling sorry for yourself? .lust think - 24 hours, and then it's all over. Until next year. Summer in Israel! Exciting opportunity for Chicagoanstvolunteer as counselors at English Sspeaking day camp in Israel from mid June-July. Free room and board with local families. Subsidized flights. Call Terri at Chicago Jewish Federation, 312-357-4663, or email talbert@juf.org By Lyle K. Henretty Daily Film Editor There is something about me, God knows what, that has seen me on the giving end of a great deal of relationship advice. I don't offer it freely, yet mem- bers of the female sex continue to seek it from me, even after I assure them that I know about as much about relationships as the present President Bush knows about Ambassador Olhaye Oudine Roble of Djibouti. Yet they say, "Oh, you're so nice," and "You listen so well" and a lot of other annoying things that mean jack squat when you're sitting on the couch. by yourself, turning up "Saturday Night Live" so you can't hear your roommate and his girlfriend pro- creating like jackrabbits on the other side of the wall. So it's time I came clean: I no longer want any female friends. All this time I've been acting like a nice guy and listened to your boo- hoo tales of incomprehensible boyfriends that "can be so great, but..." I haven't given a rat's ass about it. I've been attempting to lure you into a phys- ical relationship. There, I said it. I've had enough of being the "nice friend" and am now shedding my skin to release the inner asshole that has guided my every testosterone-influenced move. To distance myself from my old ways, I will now divulge some of the inanest things my female "friends" have asked me since I somehow inherited the title of "nice guy." Well, I'm not finishing last any more, so ladies, take out your pen- cils and I'll tell you why you have so much trouble getting along with your man. Here's a favorite. Some dejected princess comes to me and says she's been seeing a guy and reached "that stage, yoooou know, where I really like him but I'm not sure if he likes me" That what? That stage? How many "stages" do you imagine exist in the mind of a man'? Ilmmm? Two, and one of them is "not having sex." If that is the stage you are in, and you want to keep the guy, than get the hell out of that stage. Here's a real shocker, a real head- line for you: College Guys Enjoy Orgasms. The more they have, the hap- pier they are. In fact, a surefire sign that a guy really doesn't like you, is if your relationship is purely physical and he still only calls once every other week. This, quite honestly, is a hint that you're being used. Not "he's probably busy," not "maybe he has problems commit- ting" and certainly not "maybe he wants something less physical." I've given these lines out, with, a completely straight face, on several occasions. HA! Oh, and this one's a real hoot. When some chick, talking about her boyfriend, tells me that "he'd rather spend time with his friends than he would with me." Here's the truth, you'd better sit down. OF COURSE HIE LIKES HIS FRIENDS MORE THAN HE LIKES You only have one life, so choose your career wisely. When you become a Doctor of Chiropractic, you get lifestyle rewards plus the satisfaction from helping others to good health. You do it the natural way, with your own hands, not drugs or surgery. And, when it life. career. choice. comes to your chiropractic education, one name stands out. Palmer. palmer chiropractic. On the Palmer Chiropractic Web site you'll find out what it's like to be a chiropractor and how Palmer Chiropractic is leading "the good health revolution" in a surprising number of ways. Check it out today. www.palmer.edu YOU! Good God, friends d friends aren't constantly aski Trust me, sitting around, dr watching football and "Goldeneye" is much better ing to you bitch about hov getting. And while I'm on don't ask me if you're getti going to lie. Your boyfriend lie. So don't ask. Oh, and the Crown Annoying Things is when y your good friend that you d( sleep with, that you wish ' spend more time with your i just want to co-opt him into taking away any outlet he ha side world. 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