Fergie fights back
U Sarah Ferguson and Monica Lewinsky take it to the mat. Fergie
and America's favorite intern will go head to head on the scale
with their new live stage show, "Cellulite Deathmatch."
40
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Monday in Daily Porn:
Check out film reviews of "Pulp Friction," "Saving Ryan's
Privates," "One Flew Over the Coochie's Nest" and "Titanic."
8
Friday
January 28, 2000
Hollywood secedes from
United States
Spberg cr
Frorn wire and staff reports
HOLLYWOOD - - The heads of the five
major studios, along with leading agents and
talent, announced today that long-running
rumors about Hollywood breaking off from
the city of Los Angeles, the state of
California, and the United States are indeed
true.
Naming magnate Steven Spielberg as their
new supreme ruler, Julia Roberts and
Leonardo Di Caprio made the announcement
yesterday morning at the Academy of Motion
Picture Arts & Sciences.
The new nation, which will not undergo a
name change, has already acceded to NAFTA
and other treaties with the United States,
according to newly appointed Attorney
General Ben Stein,
The nation's leaders are currently in talks
with the United Nations as well and have sent
a team of agents and managers to Cuba to
negotiate the rights to the life story of Elian
Gonzalez,
"This is certainly a surprise to me, but per-
haps some good can come of it," President
Clinton said at an afternoon press conference.
He made no mention of his post-presidency
plans and did not respond to questions about
rumors that he would immigrate to
Hollywood.
When asked about alleged "soft-money"
donations from the now-foreign country,
Clinton had no comment,
Hollywood acting Vice President Michael
Ovitz will oversee the creation of the
Hollywood Tribunal, the new long arm of the
law.
Led by Elia Kazan, Joseph Breen Jr. and
Jack Valenti, the Iribunal will set up five
rehab houses for Hollywood's drug war casu-
altics under its "Robert Downey Jr. Prison to
Public" program.
Also under its jurisdiction will be import
and export of goods, including all studio
products.
"We wanted men with experience, so we got
men with experience." Ovitz said. He added
that he was also working on an outreach pro-
gram that would create a "talent farm" from
which casting agents could pluck young
actors who were "ripe for exploitation."
Rumors that the biotech firm ActiGen
would be working with Hollywood brass to
clone big naives like Matt Damon and
Catherine Zeta-Jones wvcre "patently false,"
Ovitz said.
Ovitz also announced that Hollywood
would soon be surrounded by an electric
fence, thanks to new technology acquired
from the tinv island nation of La Delphin
Azul in a deal quietly signed last week.
This technology creates an "SE,- or sen-
tient electricity, that can discern the pretty
people from the rest of the population. letting
only those with gleaming teeth, blonde hair,
owned leader, Supreme Ru/er, Grand Poobali
big breasts or beefy torsos into the country.
"H1a rvcy, go home!" Ovitz pointedly said,
going on to say that former Miramax Chief
Harvey Weinstein (see related story) will con-
tinue to be exiled to the right coast until he
"stops snacking on 'Scream' bit players and
gets himself a trainer."
Actress Camrvn Manhein has already filed
a grievance with the tribunal and she will be
represented by Dylan McDermott. Initial
hearings for Fat Girls v. Hollywood will begin
next month.
Spielberg presented a short film entitled
"Raiders of the Off-Shore Bank Account" that
ran down his plans for his reign of tyranny.
These include renaming several boroughs
of Hollywood to Cayman North and
Hackville.
"I see in our great nation thousands of chil-
dren who have never really grown up."
Spielberg said. "I'm going to make a movie
about all of them. It will star my lovely and
talented wife, Kate Capshaw, who if it wasn't
for me would have no career.,
Reports indicate that late last night, Harry
Knowles of the much maligned Aint It Cool
News attempted to gain access to hollyvood,
but was stopped at all entry points by a newly
assembled army. Led by Mel Gibson in blue
war paint, the soldiers brayed in Scottish
accents and mooned the Texan before charg-
ing him.
Knowles retreated to his isolation tank and
would not respond to requests for an inter-
x'iew.
New Line Cinema President Robert Shave
sent out a press release late last evening
detailing his plans for an "independent
Hollywood."
Stating that this was "the next logical step
in a lucrative creative staircase," he said that
the current popularity of independent cinema
led to Hollywood's secession. Next year's
Sundance film festival will be cancelled. and
replaced with Hollywood's first State of the
Nation address, given jointly by Shave and
Spielberg.-
Other bigwigs named to cabinet positions
include Heidi Fleiss as secretarv of the interi-
or (a.k.a. The Party People), Arnold
Schwarzenegger as secretary of defense and
Regis Philbin as secretarv of education.
Coming out of hiding, Jimmy Hoffa will be
taking over as secretary of transportation.
When asked to comment on his new posi-
tion in the nexv government, Schwarzenegger
brightened up.w
"I am so very happy. I think this new
Camelot will be even greater that of my in-
laws. Americans will feel our force at the box
office for years to come," Schwarzenegger
said.
So far, the United States has not officially
acknowledged Hollywood as a full nation-
state.
/
courtesyof the Christian Coalition
Hollywood fluffers and new Ministers of Exposure Control Bruce Jenner, Gwyneth Paltrow and Oprah Winfrey prepare for a long day of policy making
and second-unit filming.
einsteintresikns as Mirmax c/afr
From wire and staf reports
NEW YORK - In a surprise move, Harvey Weinstein quit his
job as Miramax chair yesterday afternoon. He made the
announcement from beneath a banner that said "O WEST
YOUNG MAN!" and said that he would be iminigrating to
Hollywood "as soon as the paperwork goes through."
"I've done all I can do here." Weinstein explained. "There are
only so many things you can buy before you get tired of it: trashy
writers, gorgeous babes, an armful of Oscars - I want more out
of life. I want Hollywood."
Brother Bob Weinstein expressed shock at his sibling's
announcement. "I really didn't see it coming. He seemed so
happy. Just the other night we were discussing our plans for a
Miramax theme park, and now this'? It just doesn't make sense,"
Bob Weinstcin said.
Filmmaker Kevin Smith was dismayed to hear the news of
Weinstein's departure to "big-time moviemaking."
"lie always seemed content with what he had. lie always took
my shit with a smile.' Smith said.
Harvey was sighted in the evening consoling a teary Gwvneth
Paltrow. Later. Paltrow held a press conference in which she said
she was "deeply grateful to Uncle Harvey" for the opportunities
he had given her.
"We've been through a lot together. I never could have won my
Academy Award without him. He's like a daddy to me," Paltrow said.
Michael Ovitz scoffed at this notion, snorting "sugar daddy,
"I'Ve done all I can do here ...
want more out of life - I want
Hollywood.
- Harvey Weinstein
Out-of-work millionaire
maybe" when he viewed the Hollywood feed of the Paltrow junket
from his new state mansion off Mulholland Drive.
"If Harvey Weinstein thinks he's getting Hollywood citizenship,
he'd better think again," Ovitz said. "Do you see a sign on my
lawn that says 'dead executive storage'? No? You know why?
Because storing dead executives ain't my fucking business!"
"I firmly hope that Uncle Harvey will be granted admission to
I lollvwood. It just wouldn't be the same without him," Paltrow_
said.
"I firmly believe that Mr. Ovitz will allow mc into Hollywood.
le just needs a little green convincing," Weinstein responded:
Answering allegations that his entire career was the result of one
pay-off after another, Weinstein said, "That's a load of crap. You
want to know how I got where I am?"
He paused. "It's a mystery, really. Somehow it just all works
out."
- U
/
MS
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dances to music from around the world
Choreography by guest artists Donald McKayle and Augusto Soledade,
and Sandra Torijano DeYoung, Evelyn Velez-Aguayo, and Robin Wilson
February 3 - 5 at 8 PM.* February 6 at 2 PM * Power Center
Tickets $18 and $14 * Students $7 with ID
League Ticket Office * Charge it! 734-764-0450
*M School of Musi
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