Fergie fights back U Sarah Ferguson and Monica Lewinsky take it to the mat. Fergie and America's favorite intern will go head to head on the scale with their new live stage show, "Cellulite Deathmatch." 40 1ie£icftigu uiag Monday in Daily Porn: Check out film reviews of "Pulp Friction," "Saving Ryan's Privates," "One Flew Over the Coochie's Nest" and "Titanic." 8 Friday January 28, 2000 Hollywood secedes from United States Spberg cr Frorn wire and staff reports HOLLYWOOD - - The heads of the five major studios, along with leading agents and talent, announced today that long-running rumors about Hollywood breaking off from the city of Los Angeles, the state of California, and the United States are indeed true. Naming magnate Steven Spielberg as their new supreme ruler, Julia Roberts and Leonardo Di Caprio made the announcement yesterday morning at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. The new nation, which will not undergo a name change, has already acceded to NAFTA and other treaties with the United States, according to newly appointed Attorney General Ben Stein, The nation's leaders are currently in talks with the United Nations as well and have sent a team of agents and managers to Cuba to negotiate the rights to the life story of Elian Gonzalez, "This is certainly a surprise to me, but per- haps some good can come of it," President Clinton said at an afternoon press conference. He made no mention of his post-presidency plans and did not respond to questions about rumors that he would immigrate to Hollywood. When asked about alleged "soft-money" donations from the now-foreign country, Clinton had no comment, Hollywood acting Vice President Michael Ovitz will oversee the creation of the Hollywood Tribunal, the new long arm of the law. Led by Elia Kazan, Joseph Breen Jr. and Jack Valenti, the Iribunal will set up five rehab houses for Hollywood's drug war casu- altics under its "Robert Downey Jr. Prison to Public" program. Also under its jurisdiction will be import and export of goods, including all studio products. "We wanted men with experience, so we got men with experience." Ovitz said. He added that he was also working on an outreach pro- gram that would create a "talent farm" from which casting agents could pluck young actors who were "ripe for exploitation." Rumors that the biotech firm ActiGen would be working with Hollywood brass to clone big naives like Matt Damon and Catherine Zeta-Jones wvcre "patently false," Ovitz said. Ovitz also announced that Hollywood would soon be surrounded by an electric fence, thanks to new technology acquired from the tinv island nation of La Delphin Azul in a deal quietly signed last week. This technology creates an "SE,- or sen- tient electricity, that can discern the pretty people from the rest of the population. letting only those with gleaming teeth, blonde hair, owned leader, Supreme Ru/er, Grand Poobali big breasts or beefy torsos into the country. "H1a rvcy, go home!" Ovitz pointedly said, going on to say that former Miramax Chief Harvey Weinstein (see related story) will con- tinue to be exiled to the right coast until he "stops snacking on 'Scream' bit players and gets himself a trainer." Actress Camrvn Manhein has already filed a grievance with the tribunal and she will be represented by Dylan McDermott. Initial hearings for Fat Girls v. Hollywood will begin next month. Spielberg presented a short film entitled "Raiders of the Off-Shore Bank Account" that ran down his plans for his reign of tyranny. These include renaming several boroughs of Hollywood to Cayman North and Hackville. "I see in our great nation thousands of chil- dren who have never really grown up." Spielberg said. "I'm going to make a movie about all of them. It will star my lovely and talented wife, Kate Capshaw, who if it wasn't for me would have no career., Reports indicate that late last night, Harry Knowles of the much maligned Aint It Cool News attempted to gain access to hollyvood, but was stopped at all entry points by a newly assembled army. Led by Mel Gibson in blue war paint, the soldiers brayed in Scottish accents and mooned the Texan before charg- ing him. Knowles retreated to his isolation tank and would not respond to requests for an inter- x'iew. New Line Cinema President Robert Shave sent out a press release late last evening detailing his plans for an "independent Hollywood." Stating that this was "the next logical step in a lucrative creative staircase," he said that the current popularity of independent cinema led to Hollywood's secession. Next year's Sundance film festival will be cancelled. and replaced with Hollywood's first State of the Nation address, given jointly by Shave and Spielberg.- Other bigwigs named to cabinet positions include Heidi Fleiss as secretarv of the interi- or (a.k.a. The Party People), Arnold Schwarzenegger as secretary of defense and Regis Philbin as secretarv of education. Coming out of hiding, Jimmy Hoffa will be taking over as secretary of transportation. When asked to comment on his new posi- tion in the nexv government, Schwarzenegger brightened up.w "I am so very happy. I think this new Camelot will be even greater that of my in- laws. Americans will feel our force at the box office for years to come," Schwarzenegger said. So far, the United States has not officially acknowledged Hollywood as a full nation- state. / courtesyof the Christian Coalition Hollywood fluffers and new Ministers of Exposure Control Bruce Jenner, Gwyneth Paltrow and Oprah Winfrey prepare for a long day of policy making and second-unit filming. einsteintresikns as Mirmax c/afr From wire and staf reports NEW YORK - In a surprise move, Harvey Weinstein quit his job as Miramax chair yesterday afternoon. He made the announcement from beneath a banner that said "O WEST YOUNG MAN!" and said that he would be iminigrating to Hollywood "as soon as the paperwork goes through." "I've done all I can do here." Weinstein explained. "There are only so many things you can buy before you get tired of it: trashy writers, gorgeous babes, an armful of Oscars - I want more out of life. I want Hollywood." Brother Bob Weinstein expressed shock at his sibling's announcement. "I really didn't see it coming. He seemed so happy. Just the other night we were discussing our plans for a Miramax theme park, and now this'? It just doesn't make sense," Bob Weinstcin said. Filmmaker Kevin Smith was dismayed to hear the news of Weinstein's departure to "big-time moviemaking." "lie always seemed content with what he had. lie always took my shit with a smile.' Smith said. Harvey was sighted in the evening consoling a teary Gwvneth Paltrow. Later. Paltrow held a press conference in which she said she was "deeply grateful to Uncle Harvey" for the opportunities he had given her. "We've been through a lot together. I never could have won my Academy Award without him. He's like a daddy to me," Paltrow said. Michael Ovitz scoffed at this notion, snorting "sugar daddy, "I'Ve done all I can do here ... want more out of life - I want Hollywood. - Harvey Weinstein Out-of-work millionaire maybe" when he viewed the Hollywood feed of the Paltrow junket from his new state mansion off Mulholland Drive. "If Harvey Weinstein thinks he's getting Hollywood citizenship, he'd better think again," Ovitz said. "Do you see a sign on my lawn that says 'dead executive storage'? No? You know why? Because storing dead executives ain't my fucking business!" "I firmly hope that Uncle Harvey will be granted admission to I lollvwood. It just wouldn't be the same without him," Paltrow_ said. "I firmly believe that Mr. Ovitz will allow mc into Hollywood. le just needs a little green convincing," Weinstein responded: Answering allegations that his entire career was the result of one pay-off after another, Weinstein said, "That's a load of crap. You want to know how I got where I am?" He paused. "It's a mystery, really. Somehow it just all works out." - U / MS N #.D dances to music from around the world Choreography by guest artists Donald McKayle and Augusto Soledade, and Sandra Torijano DeYoung, Evelyn Velez-Aguayo, and Robin Wilson February 3 - 5 at 8 PM.* February 6 at 2 PM * Power Center Tickets $18 and $14 * Students $7 with ID League Ticket Office * Charge it! 734-764-0450 *M School of Musi University Dancc Co I &~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~ .......... ~U -'.4.~Fh~m~r m ~ ![Ais c.:'s^.+a TL tno flanat*f'rrttsrt '