The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 28, 2000 - 3
entering at 'U'
)PS reports confirmed a break-in at
e Washtenaw Ave. power plant. An
unidentified man, dressed as Santa
Claus, slid down one of the plant's 15-
story smokestacks. The 300-degree
exhaust streaming through the pipes
caused the perpetrator's untimely
death. Eight reindeer were recovered at
the scene. No charges will be filled,
according to DPS reports.
i murder spree
An unnamed University student
phoned DPS last night to report a crime
against snowmen on 555 Arbor St. The
snowman was found decapitated.
Investigators are finding it difficult to
recover the head because of current
ugly boy asks hot
'i out on date
Confirmed ugly male, Dave Enders,
crossed the line of decency when he
asked class hottie, Caitlin Nish, for a
date. Nish reported the matter to the
GSI at the scene, who scolded Enders
and told him to "stick to Doom."
snow on campus
40A band of unruly students were
spotted with buckets of hot water,
melting snow all throughout cam-
pus. DPS officials determined no
charges could be filed, but showed
the students how the snow felt, Ten
of the students were dunked in cold
DPS received a phone call yesterday
regarding questionable activity in the
admissions office. A first-year student
was under speculation for being admit-
ted to the University because his father
is an alum. Further investigation will be
Cube rounded out
in sporadic anti-
Groupies who follow the band "They
Might be Giants" mounted their auto-
mobile onto the cube last night and
drove over it, back-and-forth until noth-
ing remained of the University's sacred
treasure but a circle.
DPS does not have any suspects in
C4 "circular" case, but University
sident Lee Bollinger has said he
will "stand out there with a hammer
and chisel until the appropriate corners
are 'back in action"
Consequently, "They Might be
Giants" has cancelled its concert at Hill
Auditorium next month.
'Motherly' love at
After exploiting young, first-year
*les for 20 years, East Coast mom
Janice Hooks, better known as "Mother
lo e these," was busted yesterday after
an anonymous male student com-
plained to an officer that he "just can't
suck any more toes."
Officers caught Hooks after she
was visiting the residence hall last
week in her mid-semester recruit-
Hooks was scheduled to go to trial
-sterday, but she escaped from her
home after being let out on bail. Police
ae now searching residence halls for
Hook and her accomplices.
Sorority girl eats
retains slim figure
Upset over the lack of croutons and
,ese in the house salad bar, a sorori-
'sister started a bloody massacre
when she killed and ate three of her fel-
Sources report that the girl then
regurgitated them back up feeling as
though she had eaten too many calories
for one day.
She allegedly accompanied her
boyfriend to a party where she asked
multiple witnesses "Do I look fat? Do I
A k chunky?"
- Compiled by Daily Staff Reporters
Adam Brian Cohen and Aaron Rich.
YIPPEE takes world by
storm, destroys Sub Club
By Katie Plona
The chick rock sensation YIPPEE, -
named for the last names of its three Daily
members Jenni Yachnin, Katie Plona and
Niki Easley - captured the world's heart
and horrified their parents with debut
album, "Take the Photo, Bitch."
In a special interview with The
Michigan Daily yesterday, YIPPEE
members described their breakthrough
sound as a mix of country, hip-hop,
trance and a little bit of Kosseff.
Easley found the group's name fit-
ting in remembrance of her brawl with
photog Sara Schenck, in which Easley
walked away not only with top acco-
lades for her kung fu style but also with
a mediocre feature photo.
"That girl had attitude - too much
attitude," Easley said: "We don't take
The group's competition these days -
if there is any? Their biggest girl-group
rival is without a doubt the Sub Club,
that cackling of scrawny, whiny girls
famous for such hits as "Three Idiots in
Boxers;' "Screwing in an Elevator," and
"Love to Feed that Meter."
"My dogs sing better than those
chicks," Plona quipped.
In response to YIPPEE complaints
that the Sub Club is nothing but
Bananarama wannabees, Sub Club
member Nike Stiletto said, "Who's
Still, no one can dispute that YIPPEE
kicks ass. These hoochie mamas
attribute their sassy style to several
influences, including famous red spahn
tomatoes, the green of Grassy-ass and
the white of Den Herder.
Nick Bulky produced the record,
because, damn, that boy is always right!
After beepin' J.J. Winkler got done
banging her boyfriend, she also laied
some tracks, while police officers
escorted Jewel Gopwani off the sound
stage because she simply would not
stop singing her favorite Bon Jovi song
"I never thought a buttload of this
would come true, not in my wildest
dreams," Yachnin remarked.
North Campus secedes from
'U' to avoid literacy tests
YIPPEE takes a break in the basement of the Student Publications Building
'things you'I never see in our paper
because we hate t em:TeMcia
Children, old eople The Michigan
IcandnotheorolReview. Oh walt,
cannot controlwe don't hate
their owelsthem, we pity
By Jeannie Baumann
North Campus Correspondent
NORTH CAMPUS - In protest of the Provost's office's
increased writing requirements for non-LSA students, North
Campus students declared a secession from the rest of the
Secession leaders -- who represent all schools and col-
leges on North Campus as well as student residence halls -
symbolized their secession by posting maize and blue 'NC'
across Nofth Campus and chanting, "Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Writing requirements have got,to go!"
"If I wanted to be a writer, I would have been an English
major," said Joe Drapery, a Music sophomore who was
named president of North Campus University by the
Coalition to Revoke Writing Requirements By Any Means
Necessary. "I ain't taking no writing classes."
University Provost Nancy Cantor announced the addition-
al writing requirements last week, citing an increasing need
to improve student's writing skills.
"Exceptional writing skills are an essential quality no mat-
ter what path a student decides to take" she said.
But NCU leaders said that the additional writing require-
ment is a conspiracy by University administration to enroll
North Campus students for at least an additional semester.
"They know that we pay a higher tuition than anybody
else, and it's hard enough as it is to graduate in four years,"
an Engineering junior said. "This requirement will make it
impossible for any North Campus student to graduate on
time, and they know that. It's just an example of the man
getting us down."
University President Lee Bollinger declared the recent turn
of events a "travesty".
"If they had just waited, they would have realized that they
were part of the master plan too"he said. "We really care
about our North Campus students. After all, they're most
likely to be the alumni who can donate large sums of money
to the University in the next 20 years."
Michigan Student Assembly Vice President Andy
Coulouris said this is not what he meant by civic engage-
"The Voice Your Vote Task Force wants students to get
involved in political issues they feel are important, but this is
a bit extreme," he said.
Cantor said despite the succession, the University will keep
the writing requirements. She also said students who wish to
continue at the University are welcome to take classes on
"We want all students who normally take classes on North
Campus to know that we welcome them back to the Diag,"
But Drapery said it was "about time" North Campus suc-
ceeded from the Central Campus.
"People south of Fuller will never understand. We just need
to be able to express who we truly are, under our own NCU
flag," he said.r
-All senior Daily Staff Reporters contributed to this report.
If we see another
we'll piss on it.
Birds. We hate the
sQ uawking, the
birds. The birds.
7 Seals. We hate
seals. They smell
and they make
Libel. We hate
libel. It means we
get sued and then
we get paid less
9 Monkeys. No wait,
we like monkeys,
in fact we work
with one. (He's
O Greek people.
Save the world.
Everyone is an
equal. Wah wah.
Hey, let's take
Despite being on the slow side,
Dole manages to keep the juice
Dole stops in Lansing
as part of the "Women
for Bush" tour.
By Jeremy Wassup Peters
Daily Staff Reporter
LANSING- Elizabeth Dole was
late - almost 45 minutes late in
fact, but her delayed arrival did not
diminish the enthusiasm of the
crowd gathered at the State Capitol
to greet her.
About 100 cheering supporters
packed a small room on the fourth
floor of the Capitol yesterday after-
noon to hear the former U.S.
Transportation Secretary and presi-
dent of the American Red Cross
voice her support for Texas Gov.
George W. Bush in the upcoming
"Our purpose is to preach it loud
and clear wherever we go that Gov.
George W. Bush will be the next
President of the United States," Dole
Dole's stop in Lansing was part of
a three city "Women for Bush" tour
that made its way across the state
yesterday with additional stops in
Grand Rapids and Novi.
Joining Dole were Michigan First
Lady Michelle Engler and Michigan
Secretary of State Candice Miller.
"How many president George W.
Bush Republicans do we have in this
room?" Miller asked the predomi-
nantly Republican crowd, which
responded with thunderous
Dole's decision to support the
Texas governor comes only a few
months after her own withdrawal
from the presidential race.
"I'm very much at peace with my
decision to withdraw," she said
adding that there is no animosity
between her and Bush.
Dole's campaigning has led many
to wonder whether or not she could
become the Republican vice presi-
dential candidate should Bush
secure the party's nomination.
B a- m-
5 ' f
.ZCd9. b"F3 ?Q _?Y j,
a £ x '.
LOOK MOM - I DID THIS!!! HEATHER KAMINS/Daily
Here is a drawing I did all by myself. It's Liddy Dole. She's juicy. Like the
I E'IV!SI~iU-"I 5=1
She quickly brushed off any such
"It's not something I'm focused
on at all. It's premature to even spec-
ulate," Dole said.
Rally participants were enthusias-
tic about the possibility of a Bush-
Penny Filonczuk, a Dansville resi-
dent who came to see Dole with her
two young daughters, said although
she is undecided at this point for
whom she will vote, she would sup-
port Bush if Dole were his running
"I'm all for it," Filonczuk said. "I
think she has proven herself in her
ability to run the Red Cross and
would make a fine vice president."
Michigan State University student
Kimberly Brosky also said she
would support Dole for the nation's
"I'd like to see her as a possible
vice president. She is an incredible
leader and I would throw even more
of my ,support behind George W;
Bush if she were his running mate,"
Dole was not the only woman in
the room who could have a new
address next January.
If the Republicans capture the
White House in the November elec-
tion, it is rumored in high political,
circles that the governor could be
offered a position in the new
Michelle Engler said this is not
something with which she and her
family are concerned.
"We don't think we'll be moving
any time soon," she said. "We'll be
staying in Michigan for at least the
next three years while John finishes
THE AD LINES
in Health Administration for
Undergraduate Minority Students
at The University of Michigan
School of Public Health,
*GRE course by
Dr. Richard Lichtenstein or
Carmen M. Harrison
SUMMER ENRICHMENT PROGRAM
Department of Health
Management & Policy M3226
The University of Michigan
Ann Arbor, MI 48109-2029
"Y L, ,
:, ~ca £ u :>