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January 28, 2000 - Image 2

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The Michigan Daily, 2000-01-28

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2 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 28, 2000

NATION/WORLD

PENIS
Continued from Page 1
these sperm had to compete with one
another.
"This is a good example of biological
reductionism," she said.
Travis said there are countless exam-
pies of primates and other animal
species in which male and female ten-
dencies differ from the societal norm.
In situations like this, Travis explained,
females engage in sex frequently with
numerous partners, while males remain
nonogamous, nurturing and faithful.
Travis urged her audience that sci-
ence should "bring us closer together
LAWSUIT
Continued from Page 1.
and the trial date would be set for some-
time next Januarv.
University spokesperson Julie
Peterson said that since the Office of
the University General Counsel has not
had a chance to review the motion, the
UJniversity has no official comment for

we should not be the same, we
should not be identical, but we should
be close enough," she said.
Many students who attended the dis-
cussion said they were highly enter-
tained by Travis' lecture and agreed
with her visions for sexual equality.
"She is really a charming speaker,"
LSA senior Diane Tider said. "She has
a lot of interesting things to say. I agree
with a lot of it. I read some of her books
too. I respect her enormously."
April Zeoli, a Public Health graduate
student said Travis "was provocative
and interesting. She points out the fal-
lacies we take for granted as being true.
I love her style," Zeoli said.
the time being.
A date to hear the motion has not been
set as of now, Massie said, but she said
she is confident the motion to extend the
discovery phase will be granted.
"I'm confident (an appeal) won't be
necessary," she said, adding "the time
we are asking for is absolutely neces-
sary. I don't think Judge (Bernard)
Friedman will force us to appeal"

Am eric-.Adan m en d pie f
sex, Steffi says

ACROSS THE NATION

I

By Chris Grandstaff
and Jacob Wheeler
Daily Culture Critics
AIX EN PROVENCE, France --
Breasts. Breasts everywhere. Drive
down an American expressway, look at
the billboards on the median, and all
you'll see are breasts - American
style.
Think of it. Don't you love breasts?
Say the word to yourself ... Breasts.
See, isn't that nice?
According to German supermodel
Steffi Heimenbroken, American males
are sexually deprived, and that's why
they crave big breasts instead of long,
smooth legs or tight buttocks that
appeal to more European men.
"It's nice to come to America,"
Heimenbroken said. "They don't just
look at my ass. They love my tits too.
Butt they never notice my best feature,
my ass.
Heimenbroken contrasts her experi-
ences in a European disco in Stuttgart
with her adventures in a meat-market
bar in the United States, as she lies on
the beach along the Mediterranean Sea.
"Back home the men use their legs
and hips to dance close to me and rub
up against my athletic body. Beautiful
women are nothing new to them, so
they are more selective on who they
pick up."
-Americans, Heimenbroken said, have
to-sneak peeks at porno magazines or
they have to stare at an illegally-pur-
chased Cinemax channel until they can
make out a woman's body through all

"They never
notice my best
feature, my
ass. f'
- Model Steffi
Heimenbroken, on Ameicans.
the static.
"Consequently" Heimenbroken said,
"American men love breasts, because
they are the easiest things to grab ahold
of, and groping doesn't take any danc-
ing talent."
Doctor Groper of University of
California at Berkeley agrees with
Steffi.
"As a professional I have to admit
that I too love grabbing breasts"
Giropper said. "They're soft, they're fun
and damn it I love them ... The
American breast is much bigger than
any other breast on the planet.
Historians have argued for years that
breasts were in fact the reason for the
great immigration to America. Breasts
are great because they serve milk. but
they're also a metaphor for sex. Don't
you love an erect nipple? I do!"
It's no secret that Americans are the
fattest people in the world, per capita.
And much of a woman's body fat goes
straight to her breasts.
So it's natural that American men
would flock to large-breasted women.
is wil(deardy
ear

Wifey smuggles drugs,
hubby fails to notice
NEW YORK - The wife of the
former commander of the U.S.
Army's anti-drug operation in
Colombia pleaded guilty yesterday
to drug charges and said her hus-
band (who has to be a complete and
total num-nut) knew nothing of a
plan to smuggle S700,000 worth of
heroin.
"I never told him what I was doing."
(well, no kidding lady) Laurie Anne
Hiett told reporters said after pleading
guilty in federal court. Still free on
bond, she faces up to nine years in
prison at sentencing on April 28
(oops!)
Hiett - whose husband, Col.
James Hictt, was head of U.S. anti-
drug operations in Bogota - talked
openly with reporters about her past
drug addiction and said she was
sorry her case made headlines while
the United States is waging a costly
(i.e. ineffective) war on drugs.

"There are people dying every
day to fight this, and then I did what
I did," she said. "I'm not proud of it
I just truly apologize."
Man gets into backs
of big car for free
EVERETT, Wash.- - No more
limousine larks for Robert Whcclpri
Jr.
Limo drivers in the Seattle-Everett
area now know who he is and are
wise to his tricks, said Mike
Paulson, operator of A Fine Ride
Limousine in Mill Creek.
Snohomish County prosecuto
said Wheeler ran up a SI12,851 bill itt
October after claiming to be from an
investment company and asking the
limo company to pick him up ata
restaurant. -
Wheeler said that if there was any
problem with payment, his invest-
nent company would foot the bill
because he was "a valued cus-
tomer."

Eating disorder plagued, fat people upset
BURLINGTON, Vt. -- Hear the screams for ice cream ripple across this low-
fat, calorie-conscious land full of maple syrup farmers :
"Multi-flavors NOT multinationals!" "Save the cow!" "Don't sell out!"
Upset that Ben & Jerry's Homemade Holdings Inc. is considering unsolicited
burout offers, fans of the superpremium brand (read: high-fat, high-calorie) rallie
this week at several franchises across the nation to urge the company to resist th
lure of the megamerger and remain independent. (Mmm. Ice cream. Yummmmv.)
No one gathered in Vermont (there's not really much there except cows), where Be
& Jerry's Scoop Shops are all company-owned. But it is here, where nonnatives are.
derisively called "fatlanders" and residents were the first to buy Ben & Jerrv's stock
(and get real fat off of ice cream), that the prospect of the tie-dyed (oh! look! hippies!)
duo selling out to an international conglomerate generates the greatest anxiety.
No for-profit firm is so heralded - and so scrutinized for its commitment toy;
socially responsible business, from environment-friendly packaging to the 7.5 per-.'
cent in pretax profits donated to charity. Nor does any enterprise so indelibly con-
jure a nostalgic image of Vermont, where black-and-white spotted cows forever
graze amid rolling green hills.
"As we market Vermont, we market Ben & Jerrv's," said Gov. Howard Dean (1
who is attempting to ward off a sale. "And as they market Ben & Jerry's, they mar-
ket Vermont." (Do you feel the need to eat and purge now?)

EARN $1 O.00O$20.00/hr
Do you have a car?
c~g/Te Drju'ers
.-Jimmy John's
fe wont tAe best ona weeo3 tee 3tr
Apply at 600 Packard St.
Call 741-9200 Ask for Todd or Brad!
Or 929 E. Ann St. Call 913-9200
Ask for Dan or Mike!

Ya the fo r
mi you n

AROUND THEWR

.:
--ix.';

\ "1
w ' ;
, t y
l "
rN/

F
S
S

FOR A GOOD TIME
CALL 817-4346. O gerente
________ do edficlo
IRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH
120 South State Street 662-4536 PUBLICACIlOES do ESTUDANTE
1_NAY: Worship at 9:30 and 11:00 am PBIAIOSd SUAT
Green Wood Location que CONSTROEM - o gerente David
1001 Green Road 665-8558 Friedo do edificio de SPB ganh quase
ATUDAY~ Upbeat Worship at 5:00 pm s56.000 um o ano, e nos nao temos
nenhuma iddia porque talvez e por
causa de suas iddias grandes. Sugeiu
uma vez que n6s substituimos todas as
hist6rias atrasadas com os cartoons.
Que iddia grande! Seria como os
" comics de domingo. Somente sem cor.
)D E conm os cartoons realmente ofen-
sivos! Uma de suas mais melhores
potencialidades, entretanto, e sua abili-
dade de escrever os memorandos, a
maioria de que sao absolutamente sem
t sentido. Ao menos distribui aproxi-
madamente 100 c6pias aos varios
membros da cquipe de funcionarios
durante todo o edificio. Esta todo em
vao; nao dao um shit o que diz. No Iado
brilhante, controla o fluxo das chaves
aos banheiros do mistdrio.

Grimace attempts to
eat edit staff in coup
SI NIOR STA FFOFFl& (U-WIRE)
-Dailv Grimace attempted to cat the
majority of the edit staff on Tuesday, fol-
lowing a failed coup (please pronounced
the "p' it makes us feel more at home) to
take over the paper and publish nothing
but ads.
Members of the award winning news-
paper staff chanted. "There's news in
newspapers!~ and "Oh my god! He's hav-
ing a Big Mac attack! Run, ru.n, run for
vour lives!"Grimacc was forced buck into
his office with large pointy sticks and fire.
Intelligent, strikingly attractive edit
staffers also tried placing a trail of burgers
to Grimace's door but to no avail.
Grimace drooled and made grunting
noises. Frightened sports writers stood in
their corner of the newsroom, grunting
and scratching, occasionally cheering on
the edit staff as they fought Grimace. The
sports staff chanted, "Yea!," "Whoo!" and
"Go fat guy go!"
Monkey released a statement, written

in crayon, condemning the staffs actions.
"Aw, well. (sniff) fuick it. 'Ae don't have
any money left anyway' Monkey Bov
said. "Please don't try to eat my statr-
again.
Mayor McCheese immediately
released a memo asking all stafieis to
remain out of Grimace's an range. lest
lie should try to eat them.
Japanese like child
sex trade in Tokyo
TOKYO - Naked girls still beck.
from the magazines read with nonch
lant aplomb by salarymen headed
home from the office on the crowded6
subways.
But Japan is hoping a new law on
pornography and child prostitution will
help it shed its image as one of the most
licentious capitals in Asia.
But then again who doesn't want to
look at child pornography on the wau
home?
- Compiledfivnm Daily wire repoi"*

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NEWS Jennifer Yachnin, Managing Editor
EDITORS: Nikita Easley. Katie Plona. Mike Spann. Jaimie Winkler.
STAFF: Lindsey Alprt. Jeannie Baumann. Risa Berrin. Mar-ta Brill. Nick Bunkley, Charles Chen. Anna Clark. Adam Brian Cohen. Shaonam
Daneshvar. Sana Danish. Dave Enders. Jen Fish. Josie Gingrich, Anand Gindharadas. Roert Gold. Jewel Gopwani. Michael Grass. Kista
Gulo, David Jenkins. Elizabeth Kassab. Jodie Kaufman. Jody Simone Kay. Yael Kohen. Lsa Koivu. Karolyn Kokko. Dan Krauth. Hanra LoPatin,
Tiffany Maggard, Kevin Magnuson. Caithin Nish. Kelly O'Connor. Jeremy W. Peters. Nika Schulte. Jennifer Sterling, Shoman Terreonge-Stone.
Jon Zemke.
CALENDAR: Adam Zuwerink.
EDITORIAL Jeffrey Kosseff, David Wallace, Editors
ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Emily Achenbaum. Ryan DePietro. Nick Woomer.
STAFF: Ryan Blay. Chip Cullen, Peter Cunnffe. Seth Fisher. Lea Frost. Jenna Greditor. Scott Hunter, Kyle Goodridge, Molly Kennedy,
Cortney Konner. Thomas Kuijurgis. Mike Lopez. Brandon Sanz. Kily Scheer, Jack SchillaCi. Jim Secreto. Jrb Singer. Jennifer Strausz. Katie ,
Tibaidi. Josh Wickerham. Paul Wong.
SPORTS Rick Freeman, Managing Editor
EDITORS: T J. Berka, Chris Duprey. Josh Kleinbaum, Andy Latack.
STAFF: Matthew Baibas. Rohit Ehave. David Den Herder. Sam Duwe. Dan Dingerson. Sarah Ensor. Mark Francescutti, Geoff Gagnon
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Mosse. Stephanie Offen. Jeff Phillps, David Roth, Jon Schwartz. Benjamin Singer. Joe Smith. Uma Subramanian. Jacoo Wheeler. Dan
W ilims.
ARTS Christopher Cousino, Managing Editor
EDITORS: Gabe Fajun. Chris Kula
WEEKEND. ETC. EDITORS: Toyin Akinmusuru. Jeff Druchniak.
SUB-EDITORS: John Ull (Music). Jenni Glenn (FinejPerforming Artsil Caitlin Hail (TV/New Medial. Ben Goldstein Books. Matthew Barrett (Film)
STAFF: Gautam Baks. Nick Broughten. Jason Birchmeier. Aisa Claeys. Cor tney Dueweke. Nick Faizone. Laura Flyer. Jewel Gopwani.
Anika Kohon. Joshua Pederson, Erin Podosky. David Reamer. Aaron Rich. Adhn Rosh. Neshe Sarkozy. Ted Watts. Curtis Zimmermann.
PHOTO Louis Brown, Dana Linnane, Editori
ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Sam Hollenshead. Jessica Johnson. David Rochkind
STAFF: Kristen Goble. Sam Hollenshead. Danny KaiCk. David Katz. Emily Linn, Marjorie Marshall. Jeremy Menchik. Joanna Paine. Sara Schenk.
Alexr Walk Kin tuYogaehi
ONLINE Satadru Pramanik, Managing Editor
EDITORS Toymn Akinmusuru, Rachel Berger, Paul Wong
STAFF: Amy Ament, Angela Cummings. Dana Goldberg. James Schiff. Peter Zhou.
DESIGNER: Seth Benson

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