4 - The Michigan Daily - Best of Ann Arbor - Thursday, April 14, 1994
Last chance to get it right, last chance to get it wrong: no matter
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The Michigan Daily - Be
"So, who are you going to thank in
your last column?" my friend, a
former Arts editor, asks me.
"Thank?" I say.
"Yeah, thank. It's the traditional
.l-nt fnr n- -i:nic . toA :nthei fi
nal column - to thank people that
have helped them out at the Daily,"
she informs me.
I'd like to thank my mother, my fa-
ther, the members of the Academy.
"I thought in your last column,
you're supposed to humbly acknowl-
edge that although no one's read your
column all year, you've really enjoyed
writing it," I reply.
"That too," she says. Hmmm.
I'd like to thank Melissa Rose and
Megan and Allison and Chris Slovey.
I'd like to say that although no one's
read my column all year, I've really
enjoyed writing it.
Aaah, appropriate humility. So rare.
So refreshing. Smile, smile. Bow.
Curtsey. No, you're doing it wrong!
One more chance to get it right. One
more chance to get it right. Last
chance, baby. Last chance to get it
right.
I go read old last columns in search
of a clue: Michelle Weger offers mu-
sical selection suggestions. Michael
John Wilson and Aaron Hamburger
write about movies. Scott Sterling
reflects on his agenda. Geoff Earle
talks about the Daily.
Go buy some 10,000 Maniacs. "Re-
ality Bites" is a really good film.
Agenda? Agenda? Huh, huh. Huh,
huh. Fire! Fire! The Daily is the most
wonderful place on campus. And it is
the most terrible place. And then -
jaded ambivalence.
If only I had spent the last year writ-
ing about music. Or movies. Or Is-
sues. Or campus. Then all that would
be right, and I could go back to sleep.
One more chance to get it right. One
more chance to get it right. Last
chance, baby. Last chance to get it
right.
I call my father and ask him to find
the last column I wrote for my high
school newspaper. He does, and reads
it to me over the phone.
"There are some who will tell you
high school is the best years of your
life," I wrote at 17, "There are also
those who say that Dan Quayle would
make a great president, that the Pis-
tons won't repeat, that the seniors will
never win the Faculty challenges."
Aaah, witty sarcasm. Such wisdom!
Such school spirit! If only I were still
17, then that would be right, and I
could make it to my history lecture.
One more chance to get it right. One
more chance to get it right. Last
chance, baby. Last chance to get it
right.
I think of everything I considered
writing about over the last eight
months: Crossing the street. Snow
removal. The Better Business Bureau.
How the discovery of the scandal be-
hind the Lochness Monster photos has
contributed to the cynicism of our
generation.
Crossing the street is dangerous.
Snow removal is expensive. The Bet-
ter Business Bureau has a 1-900 num-
ber. The discovery of the scandal be-
hind the Lochness Monster photos has
contributed to the cynicism of our
generation.
Aaah, such insightful ideas. So cre-
ative! So original! But had they
worked in the first place, I would have
used them long ago. Next!
One more chance to get it right. One
more chance to get it right. Last
chance, baby. Last chance to get it
right.
I pull out my old columns: Televi-
sion inanity. Parking lot prayer. The
post office. Buns of Steel. Dirty
dishes. "Reality Bites." Subletting.
Television is inane. Parking lot
prayer is symbolic of the decay of the
work ethic in America. The post of-
fice approaches its monetary prob-
lems from the wrong angle. Buns of
Steel aren't comfortable to sit on.
Dirty dishes smell.
Aaah, the products of eight months
of bi-weekly travail. Wipe the sweat
from my keyboard. Warn the future
columnists! But I cannot rewrite any
of these. I am still not quite there.
One more chance to get it right. One
more chance to get it right. Last
chance, baby. Last chance to get it
right.
It is too late to go back to sleep. I
have missed my lecture. Room left on
the page is sparse. Hurry, now, hurry.
I know what I'd like. I'd like to be
nostalgic, to revel in the fleeting fi-
nality of a last column. To talk about
endings and beginnings and the un-
timely passing of four years. And here
I am out of time. Out of room. Out of
chances.
But only in the most temporary of
interpretations.
I'd like to thank my family, my
housemates and the members of the
Academy.
Best Play:
Brian Wiseman, Kent State game
Brian Wiseman's goal against Kent
State in the first round of the CCHA
playoffs was too unbelievable for
words. The five-foot-six captain dove
head first with his stick out. As he lay
on the ice, fully-extended, stick and
all, Wiseman somehow managed to
knock the puck into past goalie Scott
Shaw with the tip of his stick blade.
Worst Excuse for an Announcer:
Greg Kelser
No one makes a better case of kick-
ing former athletes out of broadcast-
ing than Greg Kelser. The former
Michigan State basketball star makes
no qualms in hiding his disposition
for the Wolverines. If he cheered any
more for the Spartans when Michi-
gan won at the Breslin Center, you
would have thought he was wearing
a set of pom-poms. Additionally,
Kelser mispronounced Makhatar
Ndiaye's name the whole game and
made such astute comments as,
"Juwan Howard's pretty good."
ing the raucous crowd at Carver-
Hawkeye Arena.
Biggest Press Confernce: (tie)
Tyrone Wheatley and Willie Mitchell
Instead of heading to the NFL for a
chance to make millions, Tyrone
Wheatley announced he would return
to Michigan for his senior season.
Willie Mitchell ended months of sus-
pense, declaring that he would come
play basketball for the Wolverines,
giving Michigan one of the nation's
top recruiting classes.
Best Sports Book: "Fab Five"
by Mitch Albom (see page 13).
Best Perseverance:
Men's Gymnastics
Having been given the death penalty
by the athletic department, the men's
gymnastics team spent most of the
season in the nation's top 10. The
team has been given a second chance
and will compete again next year as
a varsity sport.
Best Quick-Change Artist:
Juwan Howard
After getting blood on his shorts in
the Arkansas game, Juwan Howard
swapped them with one of his team-
mates, starting an amusing chain re-
action on the bench.
Best U of M Alum on a Pro Tez
Chris Webber
Proving he had what it took to n
the transition from the NCAA tc
NBA, Webber is currently a sti
contender for the Associati<
Rookie of the Year award. After p
ing a year for the Golden State N
riors, Webber has made himse
household name for sports fans in
out of Ann Arbor.
Worst Place for a Tournam
Game: Wichita, Kansas
Said basketball writer Rac
Bachman, "You know you're in
sticks when a bird shits on your n
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Best Streak: Men's and Women's
Swimming and Diving
The men's and women's swimming
and diving teams won their ninth and
eighth Big Ten titles, respectively.
Congratulations to the other confer-
ence teams for finishing second,
again. To demonstrate Michigan's
power at the men's meet, Minnesota
coach Dennis Dale said that the
Golden Gophers' chances to win were
"virtually nonexistent."
Best End to a Streak:
Women's Basketball
We're still waiting for the women's
basketball team to win a Big Ten
game. Maybe next year.
Best Comeback: Men's Basketball
Down as much as 19 to Iowa in their
Big Ten road opener, the Wolverines
roared back to defeat the Hawkeyes
71-70 oiJi"mT'.King's*three-pointer
with seconds left in the game, silenc-
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