The Michigan Daily - Weekend etc. - Thursday, March 3, 1994 - 5
'Eye-gas, instructions and genitals
Over "Spring" Break, 1 got an eye infection,
known sometimes as a sty. This presented a prob-
lem because I was returning to school in only a few
days and I knew that if I trusted my care to health
services I would probably be blind within a week.
So I called
A Up TI RA ER up amy old
in the hopes
w o u I d
prescription without my having to come in for an
I described my problem to him over the phone
and, miraculously, he agreed to call in a prescription
without seeing me.
You see, my pediatrician always took a very
skeptical attitude about children's complaints. I
guess so many times kids would come in
complaining of aches and pains and grand mal
seizures and paralysis and blood spurting out of
their mouth and it would turn out to be nothing. So
when I complained about something, he would
smile at me and say, "Oh yeah, you're the worrier,"
and give me a wink. "It's probably just gas," he
would say, smiling, as he forced me out of his
office into the parking lot. "Let me know about
your gas," he would call after me.
I would love to hear what my pediatrician had
to say after taking his medical board exams. "What
did you guys put for number eight? I put GAS.
What? Hypertension? No, man, that sounded like
gas. He had all the symptoms ... Well, some
people get headaches from gas."
Actually, at first he did try the gas thing on me
again and I had to remind him that my discomfort
was in the eye. He still persisted with the gas
theory. "Sounds like eye-gas." Finally he said he'd
call in the prescription. I thought I was home free.
Shortly, however, I received a call back from
him with instructions as to how to use the
medication. "The drops should go in every three
hours. And you're going to want to put a hot
compress on your eye for 15 or 20 minutes every
This was not the first implausible instruction
I'd had or heard about. Doctors think you've got
nothing better to do than follow their instructions
all day. "Apply this to your genitals four times a
day," they'll tell you. While most people -thanks
to the Civil Rights movement - nowadays do
have constant free access to their genitals in their
place of work, I think there are still at least some
occupations where frequent genital access can be
As far as doctors are concerned, you don't even
exist outside of their office. You just sit in the
waiting room attending elaborately to your ailments
until suddenly you have a new medical problem
and then go into their office. Then (if you aren't
sent out with a case of "eye-gas") you come out
with lots of "samples" and instructions to "let
unguent dry by remaining naked for nine hours"
and to "put oatmeal on your head" and to "avoid
breathing" and to "eat wood."
But let's go back to genitals for a moment. Up
until the age of 16. genitals are a medical liability
and I'll tell you why. If any other body part
malfunctions, gets injured or blackens and falls
off, you can simply go to your mom and say.
"Mom I need you to drive me to the doctor." But
what if the problem happens to be, as they say in
the physical education world, in the groin area?
Then, when your mom says, "What's the matter.
dear?" youjust have to back down and live with it.
For this reason, fatalities from jock itch are the
highest in the 16 and under age group. Can you
imagine if John Wayne Bobbit had been unable to
drive himself to the hospital, but had to call his
mom? "What's the matter, dear?" Uh, never mind.
(I realize this genital discussion has been gender-
biased in its assumption that all penises are male
genitals. From now on I will say, "his or her
To digress further, I think our language breaks
down around genitals. There is simply no word
which is neither too clinical nor too vulgar nor too
infantile for comfortable usage. For this reason, I
suggest we return to the tradition of ancient epic
poetry and revive the more majestic word "loins."
As in "a generation of mighty warriors sprung
forth from his loins" or "the fever of his loins" -
that is, "his or her loins." Then we could say, "I
think I have loin itch" and "apply this to your
Unfortunately, I don't have the slightest idea
what we were talking about before "loins."
Anyway, don't rush yourself. Then when you feel
ready, just slip "loins" into a casual conversation.
and before you know it, it will be second nature.
Adam Sandler, known for SNL roles, will soon appear on the silver screen.
Sandler 'doing alright'
Strong characters keep 'Waterdance' afloat
Continued from page I
Sandler still keeps in touch with
many of his high school and college
friends, calling them after each SNL
episode to get their opinions. He
laughs triumphantly when asked how
* dating has changed since his pre-SNL
days, and reveals that he does indeed
have a girlfriend.
Although he has no formal musical
training, Sandler may owe some of
his comedic-musical genius to the
rock band he played guitar and sang
in during high school. "We had
different stupid names," he said,
somewhat embarrassed, "Spectrum,
and Stormin' and what everyone else
named their bands." Despite the bright
future he was sure his band had,
Sandler said he always knew that
comedy was his true calling.
"I didn't think about getting
famous but I thought about getting to
do my comedy somewhere. I knew I
wanted to get on SNL," he said. His
older brother talked him into going
for it when he was 17.
Before "Saturday Night Live,"
Sandler appeared as Stickpin and
Studboyon MTV's "Remote Control"
and also got himself invited to Theo's
prom on an episode of "The Cosby
Show." Sandler will show up on the
big screen in June in the comedy
"Airheads," co-starring Brendan
Fraser and Steve Buscemi.
"It's about a rock band that
couldn't get their song on the air so
they kidnap a bunch of people in a
radio station and hold them hostage
until they get their demo played," he
He is currently working on two
other movies as well: a Nora Ephron
Christmas movie with Steve Martin,
and another movie for this summer,
where he gets "to be the guy in it."
"Yeah, I'm doin' alright!" Sandler
exclaimed. Not bad at all for a former
dishwasher and busboy.
"Alright" is, in fact, an
understatement. "They're all gonna
laugh at you!" has so far sold more
than 220,000 copies (a respectable
number for a comedy album), and
three starring movie roles in the works
are sure to catapult him into what
some may call cinematic
Sandler, who was recommended
to SNL by Dennis Miller, does not
share that comedian's trademark
smugness. He never comes off as
overconfident. Actually, he does not
seem to have any idea at all how
exceptionally funny he is. "You tell
me how funny I am," he r.equested, "I
Ah, but Sandler must return to
rehearsal. There are not enough words
to describe how funny he is. Nor
ADAM SANDLER will perform
Saturday night at Hill Auditorium
at 8p.m. Tickets are $12, $10 for
By SARAH STEWART
There is nothing worse than a film
that confronts a sensitive topic and
chooses to sentimentalize it. On the,
flip side, there is nothing more
satisfying than watching a movie like
"The Waterdance," that seeks to do
more than stimulate the audience's
Thanks to an array of characters,
"The Waterdance" reveals the
surprising intricacies of a paraplegic
rehabilitation ward. Joel Garcia (Eric
Stoltz), injured in a hiking accident, is
the Iain focus of the film and a
narrator of sorts, but he by no means
dominates the screen. The, audience
learns of Joel's trials more through
his verbalized introspection than
through any outward behavior, while
the other characters' public actions
clearly display their unspoken
Two other patients in the ward are
a constant reminder to both Joel and
the audience that he is not alone in his
pain. Raymond Hill (Wesley Snipes)
is a big talker as devastated by the loss
of his wife and daughter as he is by the
loss of his legs, and Bloss (William
Forsythe) is a tough-guy biker whose
blatant prejudices gradually diminish
thanks to Raymond's influence. By
the end, they all have forged a bond
not unlike that of war survivors who
consider themselves part of a unique
Character development is clearly
the strong point of "The Waterdance."
Joel's character is realistically
unpredictable, especially in the
company of his girlfriend Anna (Helen
Hunt). At the same time, Hunt is
wonderfully believable in her
portrayal of a woman who wants to do
all she can to comfort her boyfriend
Both Snipes and
Forsythe are excellent
in their respective
roles and are
when in each other's
while still maintaining a sense of
normalcy in their relationship.
Both Snipes and Forsythe are
excellent in their respective roles and
are especially effective when in each
other's company. In the scene that
eventually draws them together, they
end up side by side on the ground,
chuckling and unconcerned with their
demonstrates both the
incredible abilities of
the patients and the
of their disabilities.
previously irreconcilable differences.
At this point, there is little doubt that
the two actors invested much more in
the portrayal of their characters than
learning to control their wheelchairs.
Beginning with the opening scene
of the film, directors Neal Jiminez
and Michael Steinberg introduce the
use of unorthodox camera angles and
stylistic ploys that ensure the audience
will not escape being part of Joel's
experience. While Joel wears the
"halo," a cumbersome metal device
that keep his head from moving, he is
always shown from the same close-
up, straight-on angle, giving his eyes
an almost unfeeling appearance. Even
more effective, the audience is
frequently put in Joel's angelic
position, as the camera looks up at the
people and surroundings from his
restricted view. Similarly successful
examples appear throughout the film.
With appropriate subtlety, "The
Waterdance" demonstrates both the
incredible abilities of the patients and
the inescapable difficulties of their
disabilities. When Joel, Bloss and a
young Korean patient venture to a
strip joint, it is refreshing to learn that
they are capable of such adventure
but simultaneously frustrating to
witness the immense effort required
to complete it. In this scene and
throughout "The Waterdance,"
Jiminez and Steinberg remind us of
all we take for granted without
pointing a preachy finger.
Department of Recreational
TABLE TENNIS TOURNAMENT
(Singles and Doubles)
Entry Deadline: Thursday 3/10
IMSB Main Office
Tourney Date: Saturday 3/12
For Additional Information Contact IMSB 763-3562
A UmgE OPPORU ITtY TO INVESTIGATE MEDICAL SCHOOS...
What are the admissions requirements?
Who are the successful applicants?
Where should you apply?
I NF OR MAT I ON F A IR
Saturday, March 5, 1994
10:0AM- 1:00 PM
Michigan Union .
Summer internships in Health
undergraduate minority students
atthe University of Michigan
School of Public Health
Dr Richard Lichteinstein or
Summer Enrichment Program
Department of Health Services
Management & Policy
T T-n *rS~-c'r o-f A Pbianri