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THE MICHIGAN DAILY
Friday, April 1, 1977
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EN THURSDAY AND FRIDAY EVENINGS
UNTIL 9:00
DAILY SPORTS QUIZ
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Coaches dispell
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Michigan's athletic depart-
ment is blessed with the
services of such fine coaches
as Dan Farrell (hockey), Bo
Schembechler (football) and
Johnny Orr (basketball). Al-
though these men have led
their respective teams to out-
standing seasons this year,
not one has captured that
elusive national champion-
ship. This morning Daily
staffers talked with these
coaches over the breakfast
table.
DAILY: Gentlemen, wel-
come. As most people know,
all three of you have been ac-
cused of not beingable tobwin
the big ones. Before we begin
our discussion, could you pass
the toast, coach?
BO: Would it be okay if I ran
it over to you?
DAILY: Mmm. Yes. Do any
of you have any comment about
these accusations?I
BO: Yes, they are totally
false. Why just yesterday I
found out that I am a two
dollar winner in Bank Book
Bingo.
ORR: Bo is right. I may not
have produced a national
champ this year, but last year
I sold more tickets than any-
one to the basketball bust. I
won a 17 pound butterball tur-
key for that.
FARRELL: I guess I'm the
only non-producer out of this
distinguished group, but I did
help my daughter win a trip
to Cedar Point by selling mag-
azine subscriptions. I really did
help . . . ask Bo.
BO: Yep, I bought a sub-
scription to Poy's Life.
DAILY: Well, gentlemen,
we're more interested in
your accomplishments in
your respective sports.
ORR: Nobody respects me.
FARRELL: Yeah, me nei-
ther.
BO: Well, I hate to be mod-
est, but just about everybody
likes me. Just the other day
someone was telling me that
they respect me for not try-
ing to complete passes.
ORR: I think it was your
wife.
BO: If we're going to get nas-
ty, gentlemen, let's remember
who has the best won-loss re-
cord.
FARRELL: I'd rather not
talk, about women's swim-
ming.
BO: I'm not talking about
swimming. I'm talking about
me - good old numBO 1.
ORR: Of course he's talking
about himself. When has he
ever talked about anyone else?
FARRELL: He talked about
Steve Grote once.
ORR: That's another thing.
Keep your hands off of my
r'tag
players. I never asked Rick
Leach to play basketball for
me.
FARRELL: I wish you would
have.
BO: I don't have to take any-
more of this. I'm going to tell
Canham and he's going to fire
both of you.
ORR: That's OK. I'll just
have Frieder run the team.
BO: He already does from
what I read in Sports Illustrat-
ed.
DAILY: We've run out of
time, gentlemen. I just want to
remind our readers that next
week we'll be interviewing De-
troit coach Dick Vitale on the
psychology of coaching. I hope
you'll all join us.
BO: I'll pass.
DAILY: I'll bet.
,,,
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Farrell offered top
executive sports job
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FROM OUR MR, JSHOP
JOINS IVY LEAGUE
Buegrabs tradietion
By GEOFFREY LARCOM The news that the Ivy League
In a startling move, Michigan "eight" will soon become nine
Athletic Director Don Canham was welcomed in most quarters.
today announced the Univer- "THEY'LL FIT right in," said
sity's intention of joining the newly appointed Yale Ad Frank
Ivy League in the academic Ryan. "I'm confident that Mich-
year of 1980. igan will be competitive with
Canham disclosed t h a t the first division Ivy League teams
controversial d e c i s i o n was within a very short time."
reached during a series of meet- To no one's surprise, the
ings between the Board of Re- Michigan coaches were enthusi-
gents and the Michigan coach- astic about nthe move.
ing staff.! "All it's been around here is
MEMBERS P R E S E N T felt win, win, win," said a disgusted
that not enough emphasis was Bo Schembechler. "It will be
being placed upon academics, wonderful to simply play theI
and were concerned with pro- game for the fun of it.",
viding a better learning atmos- "NO MORE recruiting. Won't
phere for the undergraduate. that be great?" said Johnny
"Basically, we felt that Mich- Orr. "Now the kids will have to
igan needed a change in philoso- come to us. No more exhausting
phy," explained Canhamf "Ath- trips."
letics have become too dominant "It will be fun beating the
on campus while the old idea of pants off of Harvard," added
a liberal education has all but hockey coach Dan Farrell.
faded away."
By LORRE NAMFIHS
In the wake of his team's
runner-up position in the NCAA
championship, Michigan hockey
coach Dan Farrell has been of-
fered the position of athletic di-
rector.
Farrell said his first move will
be to dome the stadium. "We
definitely need a bigger place
to play," said Farrell. "The
stadium will also give us t h e
seating capacity we sorely
need."
Because of the increased ca-
pacity, students will receive'
season hockey coupons atre-
gistration instead of football
coupons.
Since it would be too expen-
sive to run the ice stadium sev-
en days a week, Farrell propos-
es to use Crisler Arena as the
practice facility for the icers.
The football team will play its
games on Ferry Field while the
cagers will play in the IM build-
ing.
Farrell has also announced
that if he is director no schol-
arships will be given to any
sport but hockey.
In another move to upgrade
the team, Farrell plans a Euro-
pean pre-season tour. "We'll get
in shape playing the Russians
and the Czechs," said Farrell.
Farrell doesn't foresee a n y
changes from the days of foot-
ball's domination of the school.
"The 250 member Michigan
Marching Band will come out on
skates before all games. There
will also be cheerleaders on
skates like all the other big
hockey schools have," posed
Farrell.
Who would succeed Farrell
as hockey coach? Farrell hint-
ed that all-time great Gordie
Howe is under consideration.
"Mr. Howe has shown that he
has a fine knowledge of the
game and he's -a winner," said
Farrell.
Also under consideration for
the post are Ned Harkness, cur-
rent coach of Union College, and
Daily hockey writer Bob Miller.
"There's no trading in college
hockey so Ned can't trade all
the stars," said Farrell, "other
than that, can he coach!"
"And Bob has done soumuch
to college hockey he would be
a real asset to our program,"
added Farrell.
The stories on this page are
fictitious. They are not intended
to offend. April Foals!!!
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full court
PR ES01
A bit of init...
...concerning spit
EDITOR'S NOTE: A while back we received a letter from a certain
Pat More of Ann Arbor. The gist of the matter was Johnny Orr's habit
of spitting, which to tell you the truth, we really hadn't noticed. The
letter read in part:
"It is a gross action - to think he probably does It in Crisler Arena
is sickening enough but to see him do it on national TV Thursday
night was disgusting. Perhaps in your next laudatory column you could
suggest he change his crude habit."
Johnny Orr would probably argue that he's still waiting for our
FIRST laudatory column, not to mention the fact that he never pays
much attention to us anyway. We don't know how much good It will
do but here by popular demand is young Cub Schwartz with his very
first' basketball column. (And If Orr thought the old crew was bad,
wait 'til he has to deal with Cub on a Daily basis).
- K.H.
By CUB SCHWART:
Jesus; John, how could you do this to us? Have you lost
all couth?
No, I'm not talking about the loss to UNCC - even Joe
Falls didn't expect you to win that one. It's the little show
you put on for the nation- John Wooden included.
Merriam-Webster calls it "to eject saliva or othertsub-
stances from the mouth."
You call it spitting.
I call it GROSS.
Not that the act itself is so bad, John, but it's the chain
reaction you set off. Alan Hardy misses an easy lay-up -
you spit. Your ejection lands on Bill Frieder.
Everyone knows that Bill Frieder doesn't take any spit
from Johnny Orr but he restrains himself. He spits and then
replaces Hardy with Tom Bergen.
Hardy is mad because he has been pulled - he spits.
Kathy Henneghan is mad because Alan Hardy is pulled
- she spits.
Jeff Mortimer spits because Kathy Henneghan did. Where
will it end?
Certainly not in Ann Arbor.
During the Marquette game earlier this year Michigan is
down. Just as Al McGuire looks over at Orr to give the tradi-
tional "We've gottcha" look, Johnny spits, the team gets fired
up, Marquette loses.
Picture it at the Omni. The Warriors, with number one
fan (a device which circulates air) Jimmy Carter in attend-
ance, find themselves down by five with less than two minutes
to go. McGuire calls time out. He spits. The Warriors win.
Carter is amazed.
Next Optober in Vladivostok Carter and Brezhnev are in-
volved in a heated discussion over whether the Soviets' Back-
fire Bomber should be classified as a strategic or tactieal
weapon.
Brezhnev insists upon tactical classification - he is ada-
mant.
Carter spits. But in the crisis situation he fails to aim to-
wards a neutral nation as Salt I demands.
Result: World War III.
There are other considerations too, John.
Every time you spit Tom Bergen will think he gets to play.
Every time you spit on him, Frieder writes it down. Re-
member, John, he has another inteview with Sports Ilus-'
trated coming up.
Couldn't you just drool like Curt Gowdy does?
Thing of what the other "great" coahes do. Bobby Knight
punches. Jerry Tarkanian cheats.
And Joe Falls respects them.
Next year, John, when Earvin Johnson hangs onto the rim,
nullifying the game-winning goal - don't spit.
We'll still respect you in the morning.
We promise.
THE POLITICS
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with REV. BILL KELLERMAN of the
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Battle Creek, Mich.
APRIL 3 at 7 P.M.
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