page_ sight THE MICHIGAN DAILY Friday, April 1, 1977 Pae gh H MCIADIY rdyArl_,17 OPf '1 "*V a' ireA 1 EN THURSDAY AND FRIDAY EVENINGS UNTIL 9:00 DAILY SPORTS QUIZ 1 X. Coaches dispell '1OS( 3 2 f . f i = i f t .3 " '*1 N "C ? 'y) Michigan's athletic depart- ment is blessed with the services of such fine coaches as Dan Farrell (hockey), Bo Schembechler (football) and Johnny Orr (basketball). Al- though these men have led their respective teams to out- standing seasons this year, not one has captured that elusive national champion- ship. This morning Daily staffers talked with these coaches over the breakfast table. DAILY: Gentlemen, wel- come. As most people know, all three of you have been ac- cused of not beingable tobwin the big ones. Before we begin our discussion, could you pass the toast, coach? BO: Would it be okay if I ran it over to you? DAILY: Mmm. Yes. Do any of you have any comment about these accusations?I BO: Yes, they are totally false. Why just yesterday I found out that I am a two dollar winner in Bank Book Bingo. ORR: Bo is right. I may not have produced a national champ this year, but last year I sold more tickets than any- one to the basketball bust. I won a 17 pound butterball tur- key for that. FARRELL: I guess I'm the only non-producer out of this distinguished group, but I did help my daughter win a trip to Cedar Point by selling mag- azine subscriptions. I really did help . . . ask Bo. BO: Yep, I bought a sub- scription to Poy's Life. DAILY: Well, gentlemen, we're more interested in your accomplishments in your respective sports. ORR: Nobody respects me. FARRELL: Yeah, me nei- ther. BO: Well, I hate to be mod- est, but just about everybody likes me. Just the other day someone was telling me that they respect me for not try- ing to complete passes. ORR: I think it was your wife. BO: If we're going to get nas- ty, gentlemen, let's remember who has the best won-loss re- cord. FARRELL: I'd rather not talk, about women's swim- ming. BO: I'm not talking about swimming. I'm talking about me - good old numBO 1. ORR: Of course he's talking about himself. When has he ever talked about anyone else? FARRELL: He talked about Steve Grote once. ORR: That's another thing. Keep your hands off of my r'tag players. I never asked Rick Leach to play basketball for me. FARRELL: I wish you would have. BO: I don't have to take any- more of this. I'm going to tell Canham and he's going to fire both of you. ORR: That's OK. I'll just have Frieder run the team. BO: He already does from what I read in Sports Illustrat- ed. DAILY: We've run out of time, gentlemen. I just want to remind our readers that next week we'll be interviewing De- troit coach Dick Vitale on the psychology of coaching. I hope you'll all join us. BO: I'll pass. DAILY: I'll bet. ,,, LE Farrell offered top executive sports job N ' x. LEVI'S placket-front shirt. - - a sports-minded top of durable textured cotton knit wearing the LEVI'S emblem. . .the perfect partner for his plaid or solid color pants, in light blue, "K a 4R" E« i ' . navy, white or yellow S-M-Lsizes. 16.50 FROM OUR MR, JSHOP JOINS IVY LEAGUE Buegrabs tradietion By GEOFFREY LARCOM The news that the Ivy League In a startling move, Michigan "eight" will soon become nine Athletic Director Don Canham was welcomed in most quarters. today announced the Univer- "THEY'LL FIT right in," said sity's intention of joining the newly appointed Yale Ad Frank Ivy League in the academic Ryan. "I'm confident that Mich- year of 1980. igan will be competitive with Canham disclosed t h a t the first division Ivy League teams controversial d e c i s i o n was within a very short time." reached during a series of meet- To no one's surprise, the ings between the Board of Re- Michigan coaches were enthusi- gents and the Michigan coach- astic about nthe move. ing staff.! "All it's been around here is MEMBERS P R E S E N T felt win, win, win," said a disgusted that not enough emphasis was Bo Schembechler. "It will be being placed upon academics, wonderful to simply play theI and were concerned with pro- game for the fun of it.", viding a better learning atmos- "NO MORE recruiting. Won't phere for the undergraduate. that be great?" said Johnny "Basically, we felt that Mich- Orr. "Now the kids will have to igan needed a change in philoso- come to us. No more exhausting phy," explained Canhamf "Ath- trips." letics have become too dominant "It will be fun beating the on campus while the old idea of pants off of Harvard," added a liberal education has all but hockey coach Dan Farrell. faded away." By LORRE NAMFIHS In the wake of his team's runner-up position in the NCAA championship, Michigan hockey coach Dan Farrell has been of- fered the position of athletic di- rector. Farrell said his first move will be to dome the stadium. "We definitely need a bigger place to play," said Farrell. "The stadium will also give us t h e seating capacity we sorely need." Because of the increased ca- pacity, students will receive' season hockey coupons atre- gistration instead of football coupons. Since it would be too expen- sive to run the ice stadium sev- en days a week, Farrell propos- es to use Crisler Arena as the practice facility for the icers. The football team will play its games on Ferry Field while the cagers will play in the IM build- ing. Farrell has also announced that if he is director no schol- arships will be given to any sport but hockey. In another move to upgrade the team, Farrell plans a Euro- pean pre-season tour. "We'll get in shape playing the Russians and the Czechs," said Farrell. Farrell doesn't foresee a n y changes from the days of foot- ball's domination of the school. "The 250 member Michigan Marching Band will come out on skates before all games. There will also be cheerleaders on skates like all the other big hockey schools have," posed Farrell. Who would succeed Farrell as hockey coach? Farrell hint- ed that all-time great Gordie Howe is under consideration. "Mr. Howe has shown that he has a fine knowledge of the game and he's -a winner," said Farrell. Also under consideration for the post are Ned Harkness, cur- rent coach of Union College, and Daily hockey writer Bob Miller. "There's no trading in college hockey so Ned can't trade all the stars," said Farrell, "other than that, can he coach!" "And Bob has done soumuch to college hockey he would be a real asset to our program," added Farrell. The stories on this page are fictitious. They are not intended to offend. April Foals!!! x .;" .};" :s r.s """""{yt.- s1 full court PR ES01 A bit of init... ...concerning spit EDITOR'S NOTE: A while back we received a letter from a certain Pat More of Ann Arbor. The gist of the matter was Johnny Orr's habit of spitting, which to tell you the truth, we really hadn't noticed. The letter read in part: "It is a gross action - to think he probably does It in Crisler Arena is sickening enough but to see him do it on national TV Thursday night was disgusting. Perhaps in your next laudatory column you could suggest he change his crude habit." Johnny Orr would probably argue that he's still waiting for our FIRST laudatory column, not to mention the fact that he never pays much attention to us anyway. We don't know how much good It will do but here by popular demand is young Cub Schwartz with his very first' basketball column. (And If Orr thought the old crew was bad, wait 'til he has to deal with Cub on a Daily basis). - K.H. By CUB SCHWART: Jesus; John, how could you do this to us? Have you lost all couth? No, I'm not talking about the loss to UNCC - even Joe Falls didn't expect you to win that one. It's the little show you put on for the nation- John Wooden included. Merriam-Webster calls it "to eject saliva or othertsub- stances from the mouth." You call it spitting. I call it GROSS. Not that the act itself is so bad, John, but it's the chain reaction you set off. Alan Hardy misses an easy lay-up - you spit. Your ejection lands on Bill Frieder. Everyone knows that Bill Frieder doesn't take any spit from Johnny Orr but he restrains himself. He spits and then replaces Hardy with Tom Bergen. Hardy is mad because he has been pulled - he spits. Kathy Henneghan is mad because Alan Hardy is pulled - she spits. Jeff Mortimer spits because Kathy Henneghan did. Where will it end? Certainly not in Ann Arbor. During the Marquette game earlier this year Michigan is down. Just as Al McGuire looks over at Orr to give the tradi- tional "We've gottcha" look, Johnny spits, the team gets fired up, Marquette loses. Picture it at the Omni. The Warriors, with number one fan (a device which circulates air) Jimmy Carter in attend- ance, find themselves down by five with less than two minutes to go. McGuire calls time out. He spits. The Warriors win. Carter is amazed. Next Optober in Vladivostok Carter and Brezhnev are in- volved in a heated discussion over whether the Soviets' Back- fire Bomber should be classified as a strategic or tactieal weapon. Brezhnev insists upon tactical classification - he is ada- mant. Carter spits. But in the crisis situation he fails to aim to- wards a neutral nation as Salt I demands. Result: World War III. There are other considerations too, John. Every time you spit Tom Bergen will think he gets to play. Every time you spit on him, Frieder writes it down. Re- member, John, he has another inteview with Sports Ilus-' trated coming up. Couldn't you just drool like Curt Gowdy does? Thing of what the other "great" coahes do. Bobby Knight punches. Jerry Tarkanian cheats. And Joe Falls respects them. Next year, John, when Earvin Johnson hangs onto the rim, nullifying the game-winning goal - don't spit. We'll still respect you in the morning. We promise. THE POLITICS OF HOLY WEEK. with REV. BILL KELLERMAN of the Greenwood Non-Violent Community, Battle Creek, Mich. APRIL 3 at 7 P.M. WESLEY FOUNDATION STATE & H1URON ST REETS Greenwood is an alternative lifestyle community embracing radial Chinstian faithfulness in social relations. O 312 South State FREE PARKING IN THE ADJACENT RAMP WE WILL VALIDATE YOUR TICKET DooLeY's TONIGHT At SECOND CHANCE "Once Upon A Time" 994-5350 AR OYCHARTERS AIR ONLY FROM DETROIT I I I I WIZ# 310 MAYNARD : HAPPY " F Amsterdam Frankfurt Honolulu Italy London Munich Warsaw Zurich from $289 from $309 from $299 from $399 from $329 from $309 from $381 from $359 q q Cl4 ,- WEST SIDE BOOK SHOP Used & Rare Books Bought & Sold " LIBRARIES PURCHASED " FREE SEARCH SERVICE 113 West Liberty " 995-1891 Open Mon-Sat 11 to 6pm Thurs & Fri Evenings 'til 9pm HOURS d _ wool ar r Tuesday -1/2 price 7_11 P.M. on beer / price on all Wednesday drinks.7., P..____ ADVANCE BOOKING NECESSARY WEEKEND SPECIALS Montreal from $99 N.Y. City from $158 Toronto from $51 Las Vegas from $175 All Prices Based on Double Occupancy E EA 4I... The Friendly Tour Store On The Corner Y1IDNU A GBOUP TSAVIL - - "61 229 AIRE-VA-LA 601 E. William (Corner of Maynard) Ann Arbor, Mich. 48108 Pao Political Advertisment Fida-15c hot dogs 2-5 P.M. NO COVER 310 MAYNARD ot1u I U -* r . N HIGH p4 Proudly Introduces alto-dena FROZEN YOGURT I M I ULRICH'S BOOKSTORE'S 6TH ANNUAL $ 3'QQQQ00 $300,*000 INVENTORY SALE involving every article in our store except textbooks, and special orders. Sale starts Saturday, April 2nd thru Saturday, April 9th 8:30 to 5:30 Bu geti1 y 1 regular serving, FREE (with this ad) ,j j: L APRIL GRADS! Commencement will be held on April 30, 1977. ALL CAP & GOWN orders MUST be planed by APRIL 1 1 1 I L __ .117 W. Washington Good Sun,-Thurs. only--Expires 4/8 ;., r FRI .-SAT. The ORIGINAL SLOTH BAND $3.00S LATE ORDERS are to availability and fee. , subject $2 late Total $8.25 14.25 I BACHELOR MASTER DOCTOR Rental $6.25 7.00 Rental Deposit $2.00 5.25 2.00 with KEN WHITELY, CHRIS WHITELY and TOM EVANS playing novelty songs of the 20's and 30's, blues, stringband, jugband, and just plain fun m u s i c on guitar, clarinet, fiddle, trumpet, and mandolin. The Original Sloth Band has appeared in the Mariposa Folk Fes- tival and clubs and concerts throughout Canada nd the U.S. Next Weekend, April $ and 9 MUM DARCDTC--AJ TFikIY UA flAmnif 7.50 5.50 2.00 15.00 I i i I I