34 | OCTOBER 3 • 2024 J
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T
o err is human, to forgive Divine …”
Alexander Pope, “An Essay on Criticism,”
1711.
Pope, a Catholic poet and satirist who was
banned from attending public schools by preju-
dicial English laws, had more in common with
Judaism than one might expect, especially regard-
ing the concept of forgiveness.
The 10 Days of Repentance, which fall between
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, are tradition-
ally a time to engage in self-reflection and seek
forgiveness from the people we have hurt during
the past year. The Hebrew word for repentance
is teshuvah, literally translated as “return.” This
means we are expected to turn away from past
mistakes and return to the spiritual person living
inside. This is accomplished by repenting for our
wrongs and forgiving the people who have caused
us harm.
Putting this seemingly simple concept into
practice is more challenging than it appears. In
addition to swallowing our pride and admitting
we were wrong, we must also let go of old resent-
ments and forgive those who have hurt us. This
can seem like a daunting task, but Jewish law
obliges us to make things right between ourselves
and the people in our lives, and to do so in a
meaningful way that goes beyond superficial apol-
ogies or insincere expressions of forgiveness.
This was the timely subject of a pre-holiday
presentation featuring Susan Shapiro, native
Detroiter and bestselling author of the insight-
ful memoir, The Forgiveness Tour:
How to Find the Perfect Apology
(Skyhorse Publishing, 2023, see story
on page XX) and Gary Weinstein, the
Farmington Hills man who publicly
forgave the drunk driver who killed
his wife and two young sons in 2005.
The program, which took place at
Temple Israel in West Bloomfield, was
moderated by longtime Detroit News
columnist Laura Berman.
Motivated by her inability to forgive
a betrayal by a central person in her
life, Shapiro set out to learn about for-
giveness from spiritual leaders, men-
tal health professionals and everyday
people across the country who had grappled with
forgiving those who had wronged them, often in
irreparable, life-altering ways.
According to Shapiro, there are four essential
components of a meaningful apology, a con-
cept she discovered in the book On Apology by
Dr. Aaron Lazare, who attributes the idea to
Maimonides, the 12th century Jewish scholar:
• Acknowledge and take responsibility for your
mistake
• Explain why it happened
• Confirm that it won’t happen again
• Offer reparations for healing
The concept is akin to the apologies Jews are
expected to proffer on Yom Kippur, and it also
bears a strong resemblance to the amends proce-
dure outlined in the Twelve Step program used by
Alcoholics Anonymous and other fellowships.
Recovering addicts and alcoholics conduct a
“searching and fearless moral inventory” that
includes fears, resentments and harm they have
caused to others. The ultimate goal is to identify
the character defects that caused the negative
behavior and work toward self-improvement,
much like the self-examination we perform in the
days leading up to Yom Kippur.
LIVING AMENDS
Reparations is an equally important part of the
amends process outlined in the Twelve Steps.
The most basic examples involve money or
material items, such as returning stolen funds or
goods, or establishing a payment plan for an over-
due debt. However, most reparations are not that
tangible, and many wrongs can never be righted.
Weinstein’s family cannot be brought back to
life, no matter how sincerely the driver apolo-
gized. The damage caused by an abusive parent
or spouse cannot be undone, and the hurt a child
suffers at the hands of a bully can last a lifetime.
However, it is possible to repent
for harms that cannot be undone by
making a “living amends.”
According to Rabbi Benny
Greenwald, recovery rabbi at the
Daniel B. Sobel Friendship House
in West Bloomfield, which provides
support for people recovering from
Forgive
and
Let Go
It’s what we’re asked to do for Yom Kippur.
RONELLE GRIER CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Rabbi
Benny
Greenwald
Gary
Weinstein
Susan
Shapiro
YOM KIPPUR