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addiction, this is accomplished by pledging to
never repeat the hurtful action or behavior and
making the changes necessary to keep the com-
mitment and become a positive force in the world.
“We have to start living differently,” Rabbi
Greenwald said, “and we have to look forward,
not back.”
HOW TO FORGIVE
The Twelve Step program involves making
amends to people the individual has harmed.
Often, after recognizing their own role in a con-
flict, the recovering person ends up apologizing to
someone on their “resentment list,” which leads to
mutual forgiveness and ends lingering grudges.
“It takes courage to forgive,” Rabbi Greenwald
said, “to give up control and let go of anger and
resentment.”
One year after the crash that took the lives of
Weinstein’s wife, Judy, and sons, Sam and Alex,
Weinstein visited the driver, Tom Wellinger, in a
local prison where he was serving a 19- to 30-year
sentence for three counts of second-degree mur-
der.
The first thing he did was ask about his kids.
When Wellinger apologized and asked for forgive-
ness, Weinstein asked him whether he could for-
give himself. For Weinstein, forgiveness was nec-
essary to move on with his life. When Wellinger
was eligible for parole, Weinstein recommended
his release.
“The weight of holding onto resentment is far
heavier than the benefits of releasing yourself and
forgiving,” Weinstein said. “I’m freed up.”
Weinstein said it was easy to forgive Wellinger
because he had alcoholism, a medically recog-
nized disease.
“It’s hard to hold resentment toward someone
who is sick,” he said.
He admitted it might be more challenging with
someone who caused harm intentionally, but he
believes he would ultimately find a way to forgive
in that situation as well.
“I’m basically a lover, not a fighter,” he said,
“and forgiveness is the grace you’re giving your-
self.”
Rabbi Tamara Kolton, Ph.D., offers a broader
perspective on forgiveness, believing it is essential
to our survival as a species.
“We live in a world where peo-
ple are increasingly angry and have
increasing access to weaponry,” she
said, “and forgiveness, while it feels
incredibly personal, is also global
and it is the biggest challenge that we
face today. But for life to persist there
must be forgiveness.”
She lauded the compassion expressed by
Jonathan Polin and Rachel Goldberg-Polin, whose
son, Hersh, was taken hostage on Oct. 7 and sub-
sequently executed by Hamas-led terrorists.
“I do not know how a family whose child has
been murdered can forgive, but I saw that kind of
stellar human being in Hersh’s parents when they
spoke before the Democratic convention and in
our own Gary Weinstein,” she said.
She also wants people to understand that for-
giveness does not always come quickly or easily.
“There is this idea that all of a sudden, we have
to forgive, but I don’t think forgiveness works
that way. I think forgiveness is a long process that
takes time, certainly if there’s been a significant
wound,” she added.
Children forgive more quickly than adults
because they would rather be happy than right,
according to the late Rabbi Menachem Mendel of
Lubavitch.
“Forgiveness does not take away responsibility
and accountability when a person hurts someone
else,” Kolton said. “What it does do, however, is
take away the pain and suffering that you are feel-
ing over being hurt.”
The same concept can apply to making an apol-
ogy, even when you believe you are right. Shapiro
used the example of a family member who was
hurt by the way she portrayed him in one of her
books. Instead of arguing about whether she was
entitled to decide what she writes, she chose to
listen as he explained how blindsided and hurt he
felt. She then apologized and promised to show
him anything she wrote about him in the future
before it was published.
FORGIVENESS WITH BOUNDARIES
Some people balk at forgiving a person who con-
tinues to be hurtful, but Rabbi Greenwald said it
is possible to forgive without becoming a victim
or remaining in a toxic relationship.
The Twelve Step program suggests treating
individuals who are abusive or detrimental the
same way one would treat someone who is phys-
ically ill, with compassion rather than criticism.
This is also a powerful way to let go of resent-
ments, which harm the angry person more than
the recipient.
However, forgiving does not mean putting one-
self in harm’s way. Sometimes it is necessary to set
boundaries, create distance or even cut off contact
with certain people without anger or resentment.
FORGIVING OURSELVES
Rabbi Greenwald believes it is important to
include ourselves in the process of granting and
seeking forgiveness, to realize the things we (or
others) do are not always a reflection of our true
essence.
“When we come to a point where we can look
back and realize our bad experiences made us
better, we experience joy,” he said.
Kolton agrees it is essential to treat ourselves
with the same compassion we afford others by
practicing self-forgiveness.
“We are so hard on ourselves. I believe we are
all doing the very best we can do on any given
day,” she said. “We’re not doing the best; we’re
doing our best. And one of the greatest gifts you
can give yourself for the New Year is compassion
and understanding.”
Rabbi
Tamara
Kolton
Gary Weinstein,
Laura Berman
and author
Susan Shapiro